Bee's Story and Ramblings

That does sound really similar. Acorn struggles with anxiety, she has some pelvic floor issues from giving birth, and some kind of not-yet-diagnosed problem that means that she's often exhausted, has nausea, or has period cramps (she thinks this is a problem with her diet, I am not convinced). I can tell that she struggles to get into the right headspace and get aroused. When she's involved with Cicada and me, it works really well for her — she can watch us and start getting excited, join in, dip out if she's not feeling it, all very low pressure. But that wasn't working as well for me, partly because of the aforementioned Cicada/Acorn tension, and partly because I had a hard time with being that flexible, not knowing how involved she wanted to be, or changing the plan or tone of the scene partway through. It's so tough when people's needs are at odds with each other!

I definitely wouldn't be happy with this amount of sex if Acorn was my only partner, though I have a very "responsive" libido, so I can match my partner's libido up or down pretty comfortably, within reason. I think I'd be completely happy having sex all the time with Cicada and however often Acorn wants to. The only tricky thing is that I think that Acorn wants me to initiate sex with her more often, whereas I would prefer that she signal to me when she's feeling well enough/interested in it. I do understand wanting to feel desired, and I do enjoy having sex with her, but since my "needs" are met so well by Cicada, I'm not usually spontaneously horny enough to start things with her, and if she doesn't seem to be feeling well, that doesn't really get me going either, I just want to cuddle her. So that's something I'm trying to figure out.
 
Cicada offered to come over during my work day yesterday because I was feeling so down about the election results. I warned him that I had like five different things to do and he insisted that he would be completely fine with that and would just be there to support me in whatever way he could. So I said yes and I'm so glad I did. <3 He showed up and was like "we can do literally whatever you need, I am here for anything." He held me and talked about nothing so I would be distracted, he made me breakfast, he sat with me while I worked, he gave me a massage, he gave me space for my therapy appointment, he went for a walk with me, we had sex, he left me with some cash so I could get takeout Chinese food with my best friend for dinner. I felt so taken care of and supported and spoiled. I am really, really not used to this kind of love — I am usually a very independent person who dates people who are also pretty independent. It feels almost unreasonably luxurious to me, and I would have a hard time accepting it if not for how completely overjoyed Cicada acts when I let him treat me this way. I just bask in his care and attention and then he's grateful to ME for some reason, I just don't even understand. It feels too good to be true.
 
Tomorrow Cicada and I are going to a formal dinner together that's connected with his work and I'm pretty nervous about it. He invited me a couple months ago and I was pretty surprised — he is not "out" to these people, and it seemed to me like the kind of event it would be weird to take someone who is not your wife to. I was like, "Um, what does Acorn think?" and he explained that she hates attending things like this and almost never goes, so she suggested that he ask me instead. I was conflicted about it, but I could tell it would really mean a lot to him, so I agreed. Now I kiiiiind of regret it, because it feels risky to me and I wonder if I'm going to end up feeling bad attending this event as his "date" but not his partner. But he's still so happy and grateful and excited about me going that I can't fully regret it!

Anyway, I told him yesterday that I was feeling a bit anxious about it and he was immediately like "let's talk through the whole thing" and we plan to have a phone call later today. So hopefully that'll make me feel better about the actual logistics of it. But I'm not sure it's going to make me feel better about a larger issue that I feel like this situation kind of represents. That larger issue is something like...am I "standing in" for Acorn in a way that she is encouraging without realizing the implications? It is clear to me that Acorn has no concerns whatsoever about me attending this event — from her perspective, she doesn't want to go, and so me going in her place is an excellent solution to that problem. But seeing how happy Cicada is that someone's going with him...I wonder if Acorn doesn't really understand what this means to him. Sometimes I worry that she thinks that she can outsource anything she doesn't want to do to me to keep Cicada happy (attending his events, having sex, doing hobbies she doesn't like, etc.) and that will keep their marriage going. I'm not sure she realizes how much all of those things are bonding me and Cicada together, maybe because she doesn't experience them as bonding. And not that I think that any of our bonding comes inherently at the expense of their bonding, but that lately, it seems that he and I are doing a lot of bonding and him and her are kind of coasting at best. Maybe this is an overly "monogamous" perspective, I'm not sure, but what will it mean if Cicada is getting most of or all of his "relationship" needs met by me and not her? I would be less worried if this seemed to be a explicit agreement they were making, for their relationship to be more about being coparents and for them to be getting their romantic/sexual needs met elsewhere, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I have this concern in the other direction too, but less drastically because Acorn is pretty dependent on Cicada. With her, I feel like our relationship supplements their relationship — like, she gets different things from each of us and that feels good to her. It doesn't feel like that with Cicada. It feels like he gets what he needs from me so he can give to her. That sounds like it would feel bad for me, and it really doesn't, but only because it is incredibly effortless for me to "give" to Cicada in this way, and he gives back so happily and abundantly. I don't usually feel any kind of lack at all or jealousy about their relationship or what he does for her, because my needs are so very met. But I guess I'm feeling some kind of way about attending this event "in place of" Acorn, but without the public acknowledgment of our relationship, which wasn't even something I thought mattered to me.
 
This most recent post of yours sounds very concerning. Honestly, this forum, "Life stories and blogs," is more for personal rambles and documenting your feelings. It's not made for a lot of feedback. I think you'd get more help if you took this last post, copied and pasted it into the "Relationships" section, and titled it appropriately along the lines of "Am I a Band-Aid on another relationship?" Because it is sounding that way, to be honest.
 
You're right Magdlyn — I was maybe a little bit avoiding advice by posting it here, because I am worried about what the advice might be, but I think I need it.
 
People will have great ideas, and everyone must be kind, according to our Guidelines. You can just take what works and leave the rest. Take your time to think things over, etc.
 
A few updates:

As I mentioned on the other thread I made, Cicada's work party went very well, all things considered. I was worried about it being awkward or hurtful to have him treat me as a platonic friend and it really wasn't — he was warm and comfortable with me, not stiff or distancing at all, just no PDA. I was also worried about feeling "outside" of his life, but instead I was surprised to find that his friends and colleagues knew about me already and referenced conversations that we had had related to his work that he had shared with them. That was very nice.

In a later conversation, I mentioned to Cicada that despite the above positives, I still felt like attending this event in this way made me feel like an "affair with his wife's permission," to borrow a phrase that Icesong used on my other post. This really hit at something that I had been not fully processing, an offhand comment that Acorn made a few weeks ago that made me worry that she sees me this way, i.e. that I am an outlet for Cicada's sexual needs and bonus, she likes me too. This is NOT the way that Cicada treats me or talks about me in the slightest, but I do think that this is another case where just organically letting our relationships develop and not always talking about the developments particularly explicitly has led to assumptions. Cicada said this observation made him feel uncomfortable, but in a way that he needed to feel uncomfortable and thanked me for bringing it up to him. He said that he is deeply in love with me and wants to make future plans, though the logistics are complicated and we decided to shelve the conversation for now, as we were both feeling a little emotionally shaky/overwhelmed. The conversation ended on a really lovely and positive note.

In the same conversation, actually what started the conversation, was that Cicada told me that he had formally broken things off sexually with an on again off again FWB of his and Acorn's. This is a long distance friend of theirs for at least several years, who they met to do kink play and later she and Cicada (and sometimes Acorn?) began having sex as well. Since I met them, Cicada and Acorn hosted her at their house once, not too long after we all met, and presumably they played and had sex together then. I guess since then, Cicada and her have texted on and off but that recently she asked him directly if he was still interested in her sexually and he said no. This was half surprising to me and half not at all — Cicada and my sexual relationship has been developing in a very intense way and he has said before during sex that he wants to be only mine. But you know, sometimes dirty talk is just dirty talk, so I didn't put too much stock in it. In this conversation, he reaffirmed that he felt that way, and that he felt better having had this conversation with his former FWB. I simultaneously love this and am worried. I made sure that he knew that I never want to put that obligation on him and he said that it was entirely his choice. I also lightly brought up the question of Acorn and what that meant for their relationship, but he seemed a bit uncomfortable/unsure about it and I didn't want to pry. My guess is that currently sex is off the table for them on both sides.

Finally, Acorn started a new job in her field after being only intermittently employed in work that stressed her out a lot since I met her and it is SO GOOD. You can not imagine the effects of this on my happiness! She is so, so much happier and it is both a joy and relief to me. It's made her wonder if more of her health problems could actually be attributed to depression/mental health stuff than something physical. She definitely is still fatigued too easily and says that she still has the nausea/headaches she's been struggling with, but she has much more energy overall. This is excellent because she has been using it on house/kid stuff, which has meant that she and Cicada are getting along noticeably better, and because she's been using it on me/us and we've been having fun and sweet time together. I've held firmly on explicitly setting aside a few blocks of alone time for the two of us when I've been over at their house and I think that's been working great. The only snag is sleeping arrangements — part of me wants to schedule one night per weekend for me and Acorn to sleep in the same bed (there are two queen beds plus Puffin's bed in the house and sleeping arrangements are always in flux), but Puff is in a phase where she really really wants to sleep with Acorn in Acorn's bed and that throws things off because then Acorn and Puff go to bed too early for me. Also, I admittedly prefer actually sleeping with Cicada because he likes to hold me all night, which I adore, and Acorn only likes cuddling before bed and none while actually sleeping. But, I LOVE talking with Acorn in bed before we go to sleep, it tends to be our best, most intimate time together. So that's a logistical challenge I'm still working on.
 
I've been at my parents' for Thanksgiving, so nothing particularly relationshippy has been happening lately. The only thing that came up was a bit of surprising sadness about attending the holiday and a few other things solo. I say this is surprising because I have NEVER before wished to have a partner with me at these kinds of things — I usually prefer attending events alone and spending my holidays catching up with my cousins and other extended family, whom I am very close to. I did occasionally bring past partners to family things, but I haven't in many years. Anyway, it wasn't overwhelming, but I did notice it.

The only other bit of news is that Acorn texted me on Friday to say that she was feeling very down mental-health-wise and that I shouldn't come over and that Cicada should come to me instead. She must have forgotten that I wasn't planning on coming at all, since I was out of state. I really didn't know what to make of this, especially that she would think that I would let Cicada come to me if she was in such a bad place. And what about Puff? It just seemed like such a strange thing to say and really made me worry. I told her she didn't have to worry about me, that I was still with my parents, and to let me know if I could do anything for her. And then I asked Cicada about it and he said that she didn't want to talk to him yet and was just crying and cleaning the kitchen. :( He told me later that they did talk later that day and she had had some nightmares that really threw her off but I don't know anything more than that. Since then we've been texting like normal, so I guess everything's alright now.
 
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