Being a Mono in a Mono-Poly Relationship: How to Cope?

[FallenAngelina]

I am coming to terms with her being sexual outside of our relationship, but for her to be in an emotional relationship spending lots of time with another man feels threatening. A friends with benefits situation felt more suitable for me, but this is not something she could ever do, as she needs the emotional side in order to be intimate with someone, understandable.

.....I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable in my expectations, if I'm only doing it as I feel insecure or if I have every right to control certain aspects of her relationship with this other man.

Relationships aren't really about what people have a right to reasonably expect from each other. People do not come together and stay together based on rights and negotiated expectations. Those are part of communication, but not the basis of making a life together. Relationships come down to whether you've got a good match. If she is feeling the call of a poly path in life and you're really having a hard time with it, that is good information to have before you commit to marriage. It's akin to one partner wanting kids and the other not wanting kids. It's not about rights and reasonable expectations, a successful relationship depends on matching up with someone who fits.

 

[FallenAngelina]

It's not even been two weeks and already she is talking to him and seeing him pretty much whenever I am not around. In the morning before work, and even after work she chats with him through the night via text in my presence.

Are you SURE that she is ready for marriage??? Is your relationship at a mature point where the two of you are ready? Marriage: really?

 

[ManTheMyth]

Are you SURE that she is ready for marriage??? Is your relationship at a mature point where the two of you are ready? Marriage: really?

Hi HappilyFallenAngel.

I may have exaggerated a bit about how much she talks to him. At first it was often, but I told her I felt like she was talking to him too much and wasn't present in our relationship. She has died it down more recently, but I do feel she messages him more than she ought to. In my opinion, the only communication they really need is to arrange a date/meeting time.

As for marriage, we got engaged quite early in our relationship and actually cancelled our planned wedding until we figure this issue in our relationship out. So, we won't be getting married until we have crossed this bridge, which could be years, but so be it.

Well no wonder you do not want him in the house in body. He is there the rest of the time via devices. That can feel intrusive if she is supposed to be with you but is not present because she is on her phone.

Have you read poly hell and talked about how to deal with those feelings?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Galagirl

Wow I couldn't have explained how I am feeling better than this thread. I will for sure show this to my fiancee so she can understand. Thank you for sharing this.

 

[nycindie]

At first it was often, but I told her I felt like she was talking to him too much and wasn't present in our relationship. She has died it down more recently, but I do feel she messages him more than she ought to. In my opinion, the only communication they really need is to arrange a date/meeting time.

Well, that is ridiculous! The part I bolded, I mean. Don't you see that?

Sure, you have every right to ask that she be present when she is with you during a shared activity, rather than spending time focused on her phone, whether she is texting him or anyone else - after all, to do so is just rude, just like it would be bad manners to be texting at the dinner table, in a movie theater, or on a date with someone, etc. Shouldn't matter who she's texting. But for you to say what her purpose should be in contacting him? Not up to you.

It isn't your call how often she should communicate with him. She's developing a relationship with him and the amount of communication they do isn't your business. Not your call. You should only be concerned with your communications with her, not his. None of your business.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad the article helps.

If she is on an " at home" date with you then it is intrusive to be texting him when she is supposed to be present with you.

But if you are not spending time together, she can do what she wants on her time. Including talk to him. You might not like witnessing it since you live there, but not every moment at home is you guys doing something together like an at home date. You could be reading on your own and she could be knitting on her own for instance. Just that one of her activities on her own is being on the phone.

In my opinion, the only communication they really need is to arrange a date/meeting time.

She can never have a phone date or a skype date? That makes no sense to me. Besides, they get to say what they need. You are not in that layer of relationship. You can have your opinion, but if she is not asking you for it, it is not your place to say anything about how they run their side of it.

I hope you guys can find balance.

Galagirl

 

[ManTheMyth]

Well, that is ridiculous! The part I bolded, I mean. Don't you see that?

Okay, okay yes I see that. I think I'm just finding it hard sharing her, even when we aren't doing things together. It feels like she is choosing to go and do her own thing (texting him) rather than spending time together, which we would typically do. Usually I would have her all to myself, but now I don't, and it's taking some getting used to.

 

[kdt26417]

She is probably experiencing some NRE, which could easily lead to her spending tons of time texting him. If you want her to spend more time and attention on you, you just have to ask her.

 

[GreenAcres]

Okay, okay yes I see that. I think I'm just finding it hard sharing her, even when we aren't doing things together.....Usually I would have her all to myself, but now I don't, and it's taking some getting used to.

That's totally understandable! This is a big change for you both, and it's definitely going to take some readjusting by you both. You are on the right track. There will be more adjusting to do, but you seem willing to take a look inside yourself, as well as taking a step or two back to look at the situation when emotions get too high, and that's really encouraging.

Rather than focus on what she's doing with him, focus on your relationship with her. Are your needs being met? If the answer is no, what needs to happen to change that? Do you need more uninterrupted time with her? Do you need to spend the time you do already have set aside doing more bonding-style activities? Once you figure out what you need, you can let her know, and talk about ways to meet those needs inside of your relationship, without focusing on the "noise" of what is going on outside of it.

Hang in there!

 

[icesong]

Okay, okay yes I see that. I think I'm just finding it hard sharing her, even when we aren't doing things together. It feels like she is choosing to go and do her own thing (texting him) rather than spending time together, which we would typically do. Usually I would have her all to myself, but now I don't, and it's taking some getting used to.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but this is actually an upside to poly, not a downside. Think of it this way - instead of just being the "default", time she spends paying attention to you is an active choice. Now, this may mean you have to go out of your way to DO things together and spend time focused on each other instead of having attention just fall in your lap. You may, in the long run, end up with a little less overall time together, BUT, at least in my experience, you will probably end up with more quality time together.

 

[FallenAngelina]

... My fiancé has a regular sex drive, and I am leaning towards being asexual. I'm not fully asexual, I do have sex, but I don't desire it.

....I am a monogamous male, and while my fiancé is not polyamorous, for the sake of her sexual desires and sexual attraction being fulfilled, we have agreed to enter a mono-poly relationship.

I understand that my fiancé is not really polyamorous but I do understand polyamory can come in all shapes and sizes, so this is our situation.

Sorry, all the space, understanding and negotiating in the world is not going to change the basics here and that is what you have told us in your OP. She desires regular sex, you do not desire sex at all. To my view, this is not a "give her some space" issue nor an NRE issue. This is a huge mismatch in two people who are monogamous at heart. Instead of trying to contort your way into a poly situation that neither of you feel the calling of, why not set each other free to be with partners who offer a more comfortable fit? Neither one of you is really into poly, so why keep trying to use poly as a patch for a very foundational mis-match?

 

[InfinitePossibility]

Sorry, all the space, understanding and negotiating in the world is not going to change the basics here and that is what you have told us in your OP. She desires regular sex, you do not desire sex at all. To my view, this is not a "give her some space" issue nor an NRE issue. This is a huge mismatch in two people who are monogamous at heart. Instead of trying to contort your way into a poly situation that neither of you feel the calling of, why not set each other free to be with partners who offer a more comfortable fit? Neither one of you is really into poly, so why keep trying to use poly as a patch for a very foundational mis-match?

I have to say that I am very much in agreement with HappilyFallenAngel.

Neither of you guys are interested in poly other than as a way to stay together. It seems as though you will feel ongoing discomfort at your girlfriend seeking the love and sexual contact she wants with other men and that she will feel ongoing discomfort from the upset you feel and from your preference that she keeps other relationships mostly sexual.

When I first got together with my partner, things were a bit difficult between us. I was going through a series of deaths of close family members and my partner was dealing with the fallout from his previous experiences of poly which had ended very badly.

What I was going through made me want more sex than usual. What my partner was going through made him want less sex than usual. That caused a lot of clashes between us. Hurt for me at being rejected. Hurt for him at not feeling able to have sex.

He suggested I find other partners to have sex with. I was furious with him - that felt to me like a way for him to avoid dealing with his feelings. I felt as though he was putting the pressure on me to fix a problem that existed between us.

I told him that I have no interest in multiple relationships. I said that I was absolutely okay if he didn't want to be sexual with me and that if that was the case, we should end our romantic relationship and go back to being friends.

He very much didn't want to do that. So we figured out ways to deal with what was going on between us. We shared articles with each other, we talked about it and over time things resolved.

If you and your girlfriend have made a similar effort to resolve what is going on between you and it hasn't been successful, I suspect your energies would be better spent figuring out how to be friends and in finding a romantic relationship that is a better fit than the one you're in right now.

IP

 

[ALottaLove]

ManTheMyth, I have the strongest urge to give you big hug and ask you: what do you want?

 

[ManTheMyth]

Apologies for not responding to this thread for sometime, I just thought everything had been going smoothly in our endeavours and didn't feel the urge to seek advice, but alas I'm back. I suspect this may happen a lot!

ManTheMyth, I have the strongest urge to give you big hug and ask you: what do you want?

Haha thanks ALottaLove, I appreciate the thoughts. Your question is fairly vague so it is difficult to answer. In an ideal world I want to spend the rest of my life with my fiancee in a monogamous, happy relationship without ever worrying about satisfying her needs since we are perfect for each other. Unfortunately life is rarely so simple, many couples have certain issues they deal with on a regular basis, and this is ours.

To those people advising us to set each other free, I appreciate the thoughts and I know where you are coming from, it doesn't surprise me to hear such advice in all honesty. It's very easy to say "you're not suitable for each other, go your separate ways", but in reality it's not so simple. We love each other very much, are perfect for each other in many, many ways, have excellent communication and are very strong. This is a difficult situation for us both, for sure, but I have faith things will work out for the best, and if not, at least we tried.

Now, back too my current situation. My fiancee has been trying to engage in a relationship with a friend, but has been having difficulties due to not having romantic feelings towards him. She has come to the conclusion she can't be intimate with someone without an emotional attachment, which is perfectly understandable. So, she has decided she needs to explore her options more, see what's out there and figure out what works for her. This has, however, given me a lot of uncertainty to deal with. I had come to accept her being with this friend and was actually comfortable with the relationship developing into a sexual one. It felt stable, I didn't feel threatened and I knew what to expect.

With her opening the door to exploring more, I feel a strong sense of instability, not knowing what is coming and how much her emotions might change etc. I think this is the main issue I am facing, that constant feeling of instability and uncertainty as to the future. This is going to be a recurring theme each time she meets a new person, too.

I have read a lot about how to deal with your partner being polyamorous, about jealousy and insecurity, and I felt I was becoming stronger. I know you have to take a leap of faith, trust your partner when she says she will always love you and take that fear of losing your partner and fight it. You cannot hide from it, you must be realistic and approach it head on. I think I had begun making good progress on this with her relationship with her friend, but now it feels it has been turned upside down and I'm back to that strong sense of insecurity.

With that being said, and with my fiancees desire to explore, our set of rules has come under scrutiny and I wanted to get some thoughts about one. We made the rules when we first set out on this adventure, but now some seem counter productive and protectionist. The main rule I wanted when we began was that any metamour must also be in a long-term stable relationship. This was my security that he will not try and break us up since he was already in a happy relationship. Now I understand more about insecurities, this just seems to be a way to feel more secure and less threatened. Is this really a reasonable rule? It seems not so much anymore. I'm trying to understand what rules are necessary for me to be comfortable, and what rules I'm using to avoid my insecurities, which I need to deal with, not hide from. I have to really battle with my mind to figure this out. I think I need to look over our rules again and see the ones that are in place to protect our relationship. If this is to succeed, we both need to trust our relationship is strong, and does not need protection.

My mind is all over the place right now in all honesty. I felt I was getting to a strong stage where I was comfortable with the way things were going, but now I feel the complete opposite and don't know if I can do it.

I consider myself a very unemotional person too, but this is quite the roller coaster.

 

[reflections]

I'm sorry this has been so difficult for you. I definitely understand the roller coaster feeling of emotions from times past in my relationship with Roger. I hope you know that you ARE handling this beautifully, even if it doesn't feel like it, IMHO. Change is not linear, and sometimes you take two steps forward, one step back (or five steps back!). Doesn't mean you're not moving in the "right" direction (and I'd argue, right meaning that you want to try to make things work with your fiancée and that you are turning inwards to better understand your insecurities).

With regards to the rule, and since you asked for feedback, I would say that it's unreasonable to ME and my situation. Some couples use rules as a way to open up, with the intention of removing them after a set time frame. It sounds like now you're willing and able to see how some of your rules have been based on fear. I personally don't like fear playing such a big part in my life (easier said than done of course!), so when I have made rules based on my own insecurities, it feels like I'm simply reinforcing them (this is scary, so I have to do something about it) vs. addressing them. In your case, even if there was a new partner that DID want to break you and your fiancée up, it is a matter of trusting your fiancée that they would not tolerate that. It can be hard to make that leap of faith. I know this from my own situation, when I had loads of fears about Roger dating Taylor (and concerns that she might be a cowgirl - unwarranted fears, I might add). It came down to trust for me. And both Roger and I are dating people who don't explicitly identify as poly (perhaps they'll date others in the future, perhaps not), but are still accepting of Roger and I dating each other. I'll say on my end too, Jack has never, not once, tried to break up Roger and me - in fact, he's been more than supportive when we've (Roger and I) had struggles in the past. I would not date someone who wanted me to end my relationship with Roger.

Hang in there - it gets less rocky over time!

 

[graviton]

I understand that this rule was created for your peace of mind, however your fiancee may find it a rule that she will want to keep more for her peace of mind. If she finds someone but wants limited time with him (mostly sex and some bonding) then the other guy is going to have needs that she may not be able to meet, such as life partner kind of commitments (house, kids). This could cause her lover to leave her and break her heart down the road because he has found somebody more "real" but will not stand for poly. It may be a very pragmatic rule to keep, regardless of its origin stemming from insecurity.

 

[tenK]

I agree with graviton here. I pick my own partners - my live-in partner doesn't have any influence over my choices. Yet I choose to date people who already have a primary-type relationship with others because I'm not in a position to offer anyone that kind of relationship, with that degree of life entanglement. For my own peace of mind, I'd rather date someone whose needs in that area are fulfilled.

 

[reflections]

I understand that this rule was created for your peace of mind, however your fiancee may find it a rule that she will want to keep more for her peace of mind. If she finds someone but wants limited time with him (mostly sex and some bonding) then the other guy is going to have needs that she may not be able to meet, such as life partner kind of commitments (house, kids). This could cause her lover to leave her and break her heart down the road because he has found somebody more "real" but will not stand for poly. It may be a very pragmatic rule to keep, regardless of its origin stemming from insecurity.

Though I think the other side of the coin has risks as well - partner of the partner your fiancée is dating having "veto" power, or that couple deciding to close, etc. Not how I practice polyamory, but there's definitely people out there. I would also add that your fiancée MAY want more "life entanglements" (e.g., house, kids) with another partner. But that's the future and that's hard to predict. I know that my future will have Roger and Jack as both of my life partners, sharing a house and the possibility of kids with either/both of them being open. Just another perspective.

I have heard on this forum lots of recommendations that poly individuals might want to find poly partners when looking for new relationships. This wasn't the case for me, but I see how it might make things easier (and those poly partners may or may not have partners of their own at that time).

I guess it comes down whether or not you feel this should be a RULE or if this is something you can trust your fiancée to figure out on her own.

 

[ManTheMyth]

Thanks everyone, I was leaning towards removing that rule in particular as I know it is based purely on my fear of losing my fiancee. It'll be tough, but I need to leave it to my partner to decide what is best for her (and us as a couple). This is obviously going to challenge my insecurities, but I hope in time it becomes easier. In fact, I was surprised how challenging my fears when she was trying with her friend how quickly I became comfortable and felt security.

I do think though, that she will be far more suited to a person already in a relationship. I cannot see her managing to keep both myself and her other partner happy if he is a single guy. She likes a lot of "me" time and is pretty introverted, so the struggle of balancing two demanding relationships would be too much, IMO.

Also, we do keep considering the fact that we may end up trying to address our issues between ourselves again, but we really have tried various things before coming to opening the relationship and were at a loss as to other methods. It's not so much a lack of sex that is causing this (we have sex on a fairly regular basis), more so that lack of sexual attraction and desire from my side is something she misses and values a lot. I personally think the only fix we could possibly come to internally now would be a change of mindset for her, to not expect everything to be perfect in a relationship. But, I don't want to point fingers and play the blame game. This is something she says she needs and who am I to say otherwise? To me it seems a superficial desire in a loving relationship to need your partner to value that so much, but to her it is important (and I'm sure it is to many), it's just a difference of opinion and I respect that.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from ManTheMyth):

"The main rule I wanted when we began was that any metamour must also be in a long-term stable relationship. This was my security that he will not try and break us up since he was already in a happy relationship. Now I understand more about insecurities, this just seems to be a way to feel more secure and less threatened. Is this really a reasonable rule? It seems not so much anymore."

I wouldn't go so far as to say it's *unreasonable* ... perhaps unrealistic and/or has served its useful purpose? I think it's a good thing if you're ready and willing to try doing without the rule at least for awhile.

Even if it's not a rule, your fiancée can of course still make it a personal policy of hers. Though if I were her, I wouldn't make it anything stronger than a rule of thumb.

 

[nycindie]

You have no control over who your fiancee will find attractive and want to be with, so I think any rules about what kind of person she is "allowed" to start a relationship with are rather useless. And more than a bit dictator-ish. How about you forget rules and try trusting that your fiancee, a grown-up who loves and cares about you, has enough brains to choose well and enough consideration towards you to treat you respectfully and kindly? People in adult relationships don't actually need rules, and making up rules for someone to follow sends them the message that you don't trust their judgment.