Being 'Cold' In A Relationship

[Ostrich]

icesong

But seriously for people who live life, hmm, emotions first - of which I'm one and it sounds like DAG is as well

Not to say 'emotionless', but DAG has a 'matter-of-fact' way of delivering his thoughts. As in 'it's not my fault you didn't comprehend what I said' or 'it's not my fault you don't like me sleeping with others', Which is true, it's not his fault. And I'm the one that's cold? But gawd forbid if Bruiser dared to sleep with someone besides DAG or FC. LOL

 

[Evie]

"It's not my fault you..." is something that wouldn't work for me. I'd be requesting my partner read nonviolent communication.

 

[GalaGirl]

For me, at least, it's that I crave *passion*, in all its forms. Calling it craving drama is I think a bit judgemental.

No judgement intended.

I crave passion as well. I want emotional closeness, emotional honesty.

I was trying to ask how THIS situation is for Ostrich. Because "expressing healthy passion" is different than "craving drama" to me. Esp if he was talking about being damaged earlier and now they are doing counseling.

Why yes, yes he does. He loves conflict in a relationship. It's a rush (maybe adrenaline) for him. Which is why he still has a relationship with Polo. That's a relationship from which I stay away.

Thank you for clarifying. I'm sorry he loves conflict for the rush and that makes relating with him challenging.

Maybe he could learn to channel that into other things? Some people who crave adrenalin like that pursue the more challenging jobs like fireman or ER nurse or things like ziplining and surfing. Maybe creative challenges?

My dad used to have a job where he could get the "rush." Now that he's retired and with the Alzheimer? He resorts to picking fights with people to get the "rush." It's not pleasant to deal in.

The shouting matches (mostly from miscommunications) during the B/FC era were epic (The Last Night of Games immediately comes to mind). Which is why I'm in therapy and why we are in marriage therapy. We've discussed about his need to see a therapist. He is for it, but needs to do the financial math to make it happen. Please know there has been NO physical violence between us. I will NEVER let it get that far. I know I wasn't asked about this, but I feel it still needs to be said.

I'm glad there's not been physical violence, but verbal violence can take a toll too.

I hope the counseling can help. Until the counselor can finish gathering background and get to the actual help part, I think it could be ok to keep cool heads. Sounds better to me than escalating into a fight and sustaining new damages.

While I try to go head and heart together, it is true that some people go heart first, or head first. I think this article shares some interesting tips for how one style could talk to the other style more effectively.

Thinking vs Feeling - Personality at Work

Thinking and Feeling, exploring the differences. The other kind of mental process identified by Jung is judgment, a process of organising and evaluating information. Find out more!

personalityatwork.co

I don't know if that helps you any, Ostrich. At least as something to bring up to counselor -- that you have different "styles" that sometimes leads to communication problems and you need help with that.

I second Evie on reading Non-Violent Communication. There's several books but I like that one best.

I could be wrong. But when you talk to each other like...

"You feel that way? Too damn bad!"
"It's not my fault you didn't comprehend what I said"
"It's not my fault you don't like me sleeping with others"

...it sounds like both are doing some verbal put downs.

Is the goal of talking that way to ADD to closeness and connection? Or to TAKE AWAY from closeness and connection?

If what I am doing is helping me move forward and experiencing a more happy and fulfilling life, then I can't help how he feels about it. It's not like I am improving myself to hurt him.

Yes. You aren't improving yourself to hurt him. You are are trying to get better for you.

But maybe he'd like to hear that you see when he hurts? You don't have to get sucked into his problems with other people. Or do his emotional management for him. But you also don't have to come at it like "You feel that way? Too damn bad!"

Maybe just simple acknowledgement. "I'm sorry you hurt right now."

That doesn't mean you have to get all into it with him. He can process with his counselor or other friends. But at least it doesn't come across like a put down.

DAG tells me several times a week that he wants to be around me 24/7

I think maybe you take it too literally.

Maybe he felt really strongly about you in the moment and shares it effusively/metaphorically in an attempt to be close.

He himself says that to be together REALLY 24/7 would not be realistic.

Galagirl

 

[Ostrich]

GG

"You feel that way? Too damn bad!"
"It's not my fault you didn't comprehend what I said"
"It's not my fault you don't like me sleeping with others"

...it sounds like both have big chips on shoulder and are doing some verbal put downs.

I don't mean to be misleading, so please forgive me if it seems I'm fudging on this. When I type these, I'm distilling these down to the basic meaning, especially the first and third. The second point is something DAG has, almost to the word, said to me. I see your point though, even something roughly equating the above, sounds like someone is lugging a heavy chip.

Thank you for the link to the books. I'll load those up to Kindle and have a good read.

Is the goal of talking that way to ADD to closeness and connection? Or to TAKE AWAY from closeness and connection?

The goal is to state what 'is', not to sway it to connection or sway it to non-connection. Softening it up probably help in keeping feathers smooth (or smooth enough)

I think maybe you take it too literally.

Yes, and he's reminded me of that. It's still confusing to me, even with the Lens of the Metaphoric. I think it would help if I also unfocused on that.

But you also don't have to come at it like "You feel that way? Too damn bad!"

Which is why my assholery is legendary. My mom would sometimes tell my dad 'that's not my problem' whenever he brought up an issue to her. Obviously, I need to unlearn my parents bullshit.

You guys give the best homework!!!!