Being in the same space as a metamour

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Peacebone

New member
Disclaimer: I don't have a lot of relationship experience, mostly due to baggage with being trans. I had a shortish poly relationship a few years ago which turned out to be abusive and one for four months last year, but the person would not communicate very much and I was left feeling like I didn't know where I stood, who she was seeing ect...

I have been with my current partner for six months and she is awesome and big hearted and we love each other... A few months ago she started dating another guy and he also seems super lovely and cool and they are very happy together.

This guy and I share a lot of the same spaces, but we haven't been in the same space at the same time with her. So far, we have let each other know if we're gonna be in a popular hang out spots for dates, or if we're at an event together (say a queer club night) then if one of us spots somebody we would like to hook up with, the other gives them space to do so, for example just hangs out at a different part of the bar (though if we agree to leave together or that it is a date,we always honour that).

Increasingly, events are coming up where both he and I will be there. I cannot speak for him, but I am not 100% how to approach this situation. I haven't seen my partner kissing another person she adores, though I am really happy she is happy and it no doubt happens a lot anyway!

There is an event on Friday for example, that she is going to with him and she said I shouldn't not go just because they are (it isn't a date, but a social thing). I am going to because I want to and I do need to not avoid things... I'm not really a jealous person that often, but I don't know how I will react to seeing them together for the first time because it will be a new thing to see...

I was wondering if anyone can relate and if it's natural to be thinking about how you will react? Obv for those two, the evening is about them and I hope they have a lovely time, but I kind of want to prepare myself as well so I can take ownership if I do get bad feelings.
 
Have you asked your partner how she would like to have the situation handled? Are there things she could tell you that would help, for example whether it's okay for you to kiss her hello?

At first, when you see her with her other partner, you might feel jealous. And it is okay to feel that way. It's also okay if you tell her you felt that way but that you're working on it.
 
I can relate. Oddly, I felt no jealousy though. It did feel weird to me...until I got a drink in me. We didn't really talk about it beforehand. In fact, when she invited me to the event (a poly bar night) I didn't realize one of her other guys was coming. However, I had met him before so it wasn't that awkward. I also knew from talking to her that her style of poly is very open.

I did come up once and they were making out so I wandered off so as to not intrude. She and I had our little moments as well.

In contrast, another BF of hers has a wife who is dating a mono guy. Mono guy gets very jealous if she kisses her own husband in front of him.
 
KC43 said:
Have you asked your partner how she would like to have the situation handled? Are there things she could tell you that would help, for example whether it's okay for you to kiss her hello?
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Not spoken about it in great depth, but I think I will, as I am branching out in to more dating and am sure it'll happen the other way around too...

So I really should talk about it.

Also, I don't know how he feels about things and how far I should communicate with her/show affection when saying hello, as this is about him as well...

But again, need to discuss it with her (damn, such an obvious thing).
 
I'm a fan of getting things out in the open. No need to pretend you're more comfortable than you are. So, you could ask that all three of you get together prior to the event. Sit down for coffee or a meal or something and just say, "Okay, I've never been in this kind of situation before and I know I don't need to feel nervous about us all hanging together at ______, but I do, a little bit. I have questions about what amount or kinds of PDAs are okay with everybody, or what's not okay, that sort of thing. I don't want things to feel awkward between us at the event, so how about we break the ice now so it won't be so strange and new with everything else that will be going on there." Then be open, and have some laughs together.

Done. Simple and straightforward.
 
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Peacebone said:
Not spoken about it in great depth, but I think I will, as I am branching out in to more dating and am sure it'll happen the other way around too...

So I really should talk about it.

Also, I don't know how he feels about things and how far I should communicate with her/show affection when saying hello, as this is about him as well...

But again, need to discuss it with her (damn, such an obvious thing).
Click to expand...

Exactly. It isn't up to you to worry about *his* comfort level. She is the one who's responsible for making sure things are going smoothly with her partners. Bring up the concern to *her*, and if *his* comfort is an issue, she can talk to him about it to find out what he's okay with.
 
Spoke to my partner and a bit about boundaries for Friday and that is good... Talked honestly and openly about it. She said to let me know if I do feel jealous about seeing them together, as I can be honest about it.

I found out that they are both going on a date (the other thing is more social) to a meet up I was planning on going to the day before...

However, the meet up usually only has a few people (I've been a few times and sometimes I hardly know anyone, or people stick to friendship groups) and it's usually around a small table and not sure if I should avoid it, as it would feel awkward for me, though I don't want them to feel pressure to change date plans... I think I would feel a bit like I was at their date and this is something I'd feel I was intruding on because I might be sat next to, or opposite them...

I'm not sure if feeling like I want to avoid this one and go another time is justified, as I need to work through this because I am quite socially awkward as it is and don't know if I will know anyone there besides them... At the same time, I have been a recluse and hardly been out the past few months due to illness and I need to try and build a social life again.

I brought it up and she said he wants to go on their date night (I mentioned I was going before) and she offered that they might not go because I offered to go next month (for the reasons above) and she doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable/not go, but now I feel selfish as I don't think she should have to change schedule for my own awkward feelings and don't want to impact their night... I'm not really sure how to navigate this?

There aren't many spaces that are trans friendly where I live and I know I would benefit from being in these spaces, but this particular group is quite small and around a single table. I'm absolutely fine with being in the same venue, just maybe not in such a small group... Though I do wonder if this is sustainable as they have been to the group on date eves together before and I also want to go and know I need to get over it because no doubt this will happen again. It's not fair for me to affect where they can and can't go because of my own weirdness.

I am quite new to all of this, so hoping for some honest feedback. I was wondering if anybody can relate to this particular situation and on when your partner and metamour are going on dates in spaces where you might be sat close together and might not know people.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

Don't flip flop. That fuels anxiety. It does not stamp it out. The most efficient way I know to solve it is to be DECISIVE. Don't pussyfoot.

You could tell your hinge you don't want to interrupt their date so you have decided you are staying home this time. Could they please be willing to stay home from the next one so you can check it out on your own? Then the time after that you guys can try all three being somewhere easier where people do not know you -- like a bookstore cafe for 15 min coffee. If you feel anxious, you can take a book time out without anyone knowing you really are doing it to chill and NOT just to grab a magazine. Then the meet up thing after that.

Then it is not many new things stacked up stressing you out. It's more spread out.

  • Seeing them out in town on date
  • New meet up.
  • Being somewhere all 3 where nobody knows you are a poly grouping
  • Being all 3 at this meet up where people might notice you are a poly grouping

To me that is totally reasonable request and I think your hinge would agree. In fact, she offered to let you attend first. Does it MATTER who attends first? No. It seems to matter that you don't have a "pile up thing." You seem to want to spread it out and deal with one new thing at a time only. Not all stacked up.

So put the plan out there. Then it is DONE. You can relax because you have been assertive, made a plan, can know what is going on when, and then the anxiety can chill out.

That is what I would do in those shoes to help me calm my anxiety.

Galagirl
 
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We usually hang out the three of us when we go out. It would feel weird for any of us to go out just the two of us, unless it is a very special occation like aniversery. We might feel differently if/when we all live together and perhaps have kids, but right now I like the poly feel of going out all of us. We are not open to everyone yet, but we just let them wonder.
 
Hi Peacebone,

I am actually thinking you should go to the meet up even though your partner and her date are going. That way no one has to feel like they're changing their plans to avoid all three of you sharing the same space. If they want privacy just the two of them, the meet up wouldn't be the place for that anyway.

Just about everyone experiences jealousy from time to time. You might experience it, then again you might not. I think if you just communicate about it you'll probably be okay.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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