For many of the people who can't make it work, they're used to spending all their free time with their mono partner, and once that partner becomes poly and involved with someone else, they now feel lonely, left out, abandoned, and they either don't have other things to do to occupy their time, or they don't feel secure enough …...
This to me, is shades of the anti-mono slant found in poly writing. Problems are too often attributed to the poor bumbling unenlightened mono not being secure enough, not being independent enough, being clingy, not having a life.....
I will add, though, that when I was in a poly relationship, I did get some good advice here when the wife was playing games. I found the Secondary Bill of Rights helpful and the
good advice I got here led me to walk away from the relationship.
I think the problem I have now is that I don’t know if I can ever be truly happy being in a poly relationship.
I am afraid I am gonna agree to have life I don’t want. Actually everything is fine when I am with my boyfriend, at least usually, I am so happy being with him, we go together through difficult emotions. The problem begins when I start talking about our reletionship and polyamory with someone else. I immediately feel like crying, that there is something deeply wrong in what I’m doing, I am in so much pain.
And it’s hard that our relationship is growing, we even started to talk about having a family together, but there is this ’polyamory’ thing that can just ruin everything in a moment
DO NOT AGREE to what you don't want. The fact that he gets excited about another woman does not mean he
needs to whip it out and take action. The fact that he finds another woman desirable does not mean he 'is' poly, because it's quite normal to be attracted to more than one person. Poly is the decision to
act on that attraction and that is a
choice.
He has chosen to move forward in acting on his desires, regardless of the pain it causes you. This is a character trait that I can guarantee you'll see in other areas if you stay with him: choosing his wants over the damage and pain it may cause you.
Look ahead to what this is going to be like if and when you have young children and he wants to be off with his current hottie. You may find yourself spending plenty of time alone with the kids so he can nurture the new relationship.
Be aware that plenty of poly marriages do end when a 'game changer' comes in to the picture--ie, the person the poly spouse decides they're rather be married to.
You are already unhappy with this. I think the two of you need to realize either he changes or you leave, because this is fundamental incompatibility.
Hi everyone, I'm in a similar situation and it's tearing me apart. I am monogamous, and for four months I thought I was in a monogamous relationship until my friends found my boyfriend's Bumble account. That lead to him finally revealing that he doesn't want a monogamous relationship, and that he hid that from me because he didn't want me to leave.
….. He doesn't seem to understand my worries or insecurities, and he's said that jealousy is stupid and childish. I could really use some advice!!
As others have said....that's called cheating. He's yanking your chain and playing the victim claiming he was just soooo scared of losing you because big bad bonnents wouldn't understand his pure and innocent heart overflowing with so much love to give.
Having been married to a cheater, save yourself the trouble--he understands perfectly. He just doesn't care and is pretending that you are somehow not making yourself clear because right now he's got life exactly how he wants it--you're sticking around to be the safety net while he does exactly as he pleases.
Dump the loser.