BF and I just started Poly and he’s going away with someone this weekend.

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Okay. I'm going to say some things and they might not feel comforting. But honestly, it's because I think reframing this may really be helpful to your relationship going forward.

very quick response to us splitting

So the way you've framed this is like your relationship with him is the thing he should aspire to, the sensible choice, the good and right choice a worthy man would make. So then when you split, he "desperately" went and made poor, impulsive, shallow choices that a unworthy boy would make.

What about if you're right, that it was a very quick response to you splitting, and perhaps even "desperate," but because he has felt quite restricted by your relationship, he went to act on his liberty as soon as he could?

I'm not saying that to speak of you badly, more to point out that he may really have felt his needs weren't being met in your relationship and his actions are more an indication of that, than them being frivolous in the way you said they sounded.

And yes, their decision. Which is why I never discouraged or gave anyone grief about it.

This is what I was saying earlier. From my experience with humans in various settings, they can't hide what they really think. So if you feel some sense of betrayal because he didn't keep to his word about how he would behave after the break up, that will come across in what you say.

I think it goes without saying that people aren't obliged to make or keep such vows. It's unhealthy to expect them to.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Hey Crinkle, It’s a confusing time and well done trying to adapt by letting him be him and getting your own support here. When change happens there is always fear. And given your recent break-up is fresh I totally understand you are starting poly from a wobbly place rather than a secure relationship. But this change is also an opportunity! An opportunity for you both to really embrace communication. Developing deep, non-aggressive, good listening, non-blaming/shaming, kind, feeling-owning, comms skills will enrich you both - whether you ultimately stay together or not. This is the keystone to genuine polyamory as opposed to just effing about. So let him go but have those type of conversations. I’m also interested about your date for the weekend. What have you/will you tell that date? Will you practice open communication and honesty with him? Good luck in embracing this new adventure!

Thank you!

 

[MoPoly]

He constantly needs his feelings and needs validated. And I’m there. But some things I can’t vent to him, at least not yet, because I don’t want to possibly hurt him with what I’m thinking and feeling.

For me, this would be a bit of a red flag. Your feelings and needs should be equally validated.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Okay. I'm going to say some things and they might not feel comforting. But honestly, it's because I think reframing this may really be helpful to your relationship going forward.



So the way you've framed this is like your relationship with him is the thing he should aspire to. The sensible choice. The good and right choice a worthy man would make. So then when you split, he "desperately" went and made poor, impulsive, shallow choices that a unworthy boy would make.

What about if you're right that it was a very quick response to you splitting, and perhaps even "desperate", but because he has felt quite restricted by your relationship and so went to act on his liberty as soon as he could?

I'm not saying that to speak of you badly, more like to point out that he may really have felt his needs weren't being met in your relationship and his actions are more an indication of that than them being frivolous in the way you said they sounded.



This is what I was saying earlier - from my experience with humans in various settings, they can't hide what they really think. So if you feel some sense of betrayal because he didn't keep to his word about how he would behave after the break up, that will come across in what you say.

I think it goes without saying that people aren't obliged to make or keep such vows. It's unhealthy to expect them to.

“I'm not saying that to speak of you badly, more like to point out that he may really have felt his needs weren't being met in your relationship and his actions are more an indication of that than them being frivolous in the way you said they sounded.”

I understand this, yet have a hard time accepting it, which is not to disparage or talk negatively about poly. It’s me trying to figure this out. His needs were beyond met. We spent practically every moment together. If we weren’t together, we were on the phone or texting for hours. I helped him through a very difficult divorce, legally, emotionally, financially. I helped him find a new place to live. He has no family, so my family became his family. My friend became his friends. Holidays. Vacations.

We can talk for HOURS. And I listened. Oh boy, did I listen to EVERYTHING he had to emote and explain.

Our physical connection was beyond anything either of us had ever experienced before. His constant words: "There is no other you. You win. I’m so lucky to have you. You are amazing. How did I get so lucky?"

Okay, fine. People change and grow. They get introspective and find out who they really are.

When we finally discussed taking a break, he said, “I wish I knew how to keep you. Maybe if I had time to myself, we could both do some healing and regroup.” Well, we can never ever stay away from one another, so like I said, the “break” was all of 5 weeks, during which time, we spoke for hours every day, and usually lamented about how much we missed one another.

Now that we've been back on for the last two weeks, we have been inseparable. We are with one another 5 days/nights a week, and for lack of a better term, he is love-bombing the shit out if me. Can’t get enough of me, and telling me so. Making plans to go away soon.

However… tomorrow he goes away with his “friend.” I admit it, I have whiplash and confusion. And as I said, I’m trying to understand and support. It’s going to take me time.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

For me this would be a bit of a red flag. Your feelings and needs should be equally validated.

Agreed.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

His needs were beyond met.

It all sounds a bit too intense for me. That 5 days a week thing will change once he has someone else he connects with, and that will leave you feeling crap.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info. I could be wrong in my impression, but I think this is way too much. It sounds like a one-sided relationship where he gets most of the receiving.

He constantly needs his feelings and needs validated. And I’m there But some things I can’t vent to him, at least not yet, because I don’t want to possibly hurt him with what I’m thinking and feeling.

When do you get a turn? Does it always have to be about him? Whenever you try to talk about you and your things, does he act "wounded" to put the attention spotlight back on himself?

His needs were beyond met. We spent practically every moment together. If we weren’t together we were on the phone or texting for hours. I helped him through a very difficult divorce, legally, emotionally, financially. I helped him find a new place to live. He has no family, so my family became his family. My friends became his friends. Holidays. Vacations. We can talk for HOURS. And I listened. Oh boy, did I listen to EVERYTHING he had to emote and explain. Our physical connection was beyond anything either of us had ever experienced before. His constant words: "There is no other you. You win. I’m so lucky to have you. You are amazing. How did I get so lucky?"

I get being there for a partner and being supportive in healthy and appropriate ways. But this is a LOT, like you're basically "carrying" him and the whole relationship. I'd find it both exhausting and kind of suffocating. It's not healthy sounding. It's not appropriate, either.

When we finally discussed taking a break, he said “I wish I knew how to keep you. Maybe if I had time to myself we could both do some healing and regroup.” Well, we can never ever stay away from one another, so like I said the “break” was all of 5 weeks, during which time, we spoke for hours every day, and usually lamented about how much we missed one another.

That's not actually a break then, it's just more of same.

Now that we are back on last two weeks, we have been inseparable. We are with one another 5 days/nights a week, and for lack of a better term, he is love-bombing the shit out if me. Can’t get enough of me and telling me so. Making plans to go away soon.

You are the one there. IS he love-bombing you, clutching at you like you are his life raft or something, just sucking you dry?

However… tomorrow he goes away with his “friend.” I admit I have whiplash and confusion. And as I said, I’m trying to understand and support.

I can understand you having whiplash and confusion. None of this sounds like a healthy relationship. I think maybe you are distracted with the poly angle to it. You're "trying to understand poly." But this is not healthy poly. It's just weird-sounding, regardless of the relationship model.

Maybe this helps you some:

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

I'm not there, and I could be totally wrong. But it sounds like he's been taking up all the space in this relationship, and is now looking for a new person to suck dry.

If you are going to keep dating him, I think you could start being LESS available and cut it down to scheduled dates and scheduled calls only. No more being "on call" 24/7 for him. No more talking for hours. No more 5 days a week.

What's he trying to do? Climb inside your skin and cuddle up inside there with you?

Why do you spend so much of your time and energy on this? Do you have a hard time telling him "No?" Do you tell him "no," but then he doesn't respect your limits, plays on your soft feelings for him to let him have more time, more calls, etc.?

You sound like you need some SPACE away from him to spend with your other dates, other friends, alone to rest, etc. This sounds way too intense.

Galagirl

 

[JaneQSmythe]

It does seem a little sudden/abrupt for your boyfriend to already be planning a weekend getaway.

The dude was SINGLE and broken up with when those plans were made. How people want to live their single lives is up to them.

I'm with GG here. If you are broken up, you are no longer "together." Dude can date or fuck or whatever, however he sees fit, with whatever consenting partner he can find.

You can use that information to judge for yourself if he is someone you want to date again. But you are NOT "picking up with" your old relationship. You are choosing to start a NEW relationship with a person that you now have new information about. (It's similar to married people who decide to try the poly route. The OLD marriage is done, and you can't close Pandora's box. You have to negotiate the NEW relationship.)

I have always identified as poly. I have been with MrS for 32 years, married for 28, with varying degrees of "actively dating" during that time (including a 9+ year cohabitating relationship with Dude). BUT if we separated for some reason, my dating life as a "solo poly" would look VERY different than it does now, AND I would expect, if we got back together, that our re-negotiated relationship would have to accommodate what we both had learned during our separation-- or we wouldn't get back together.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I said. "Well, what kind of people go on a weekend getaway after a difficult break-up, and knowing that the man you’re going away with, after really only knowing two weeks, is still in love with someone else?"

Someone who wants a fun sexy weekend away with someone they are attracted to? A spontaneous person who is living in the moment and not looking for a long-term romance? A poly person who thinks that being in love with someone else is not a barrier to a meaningful relationship? Lots of people still "love" their exes; that doesn't mean they can't also date, have sex with, fall in love with other people. Don't villainize HER. You don't know her, and don't have to understand her motivations.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

... His needs were beyond met. We spent practically every moment together. If we weren’t together, we were on the phone or texting for hours. I helped him through a very difficult divorce, legally, emotionally, financially. I helped him find a new place to live. He has no family, so my family became his family. My friend became his friends. Holidays. Vacations.

OMG, this sounds hideous-- for both of you. Maybe he learned/was trained by his previous relationships that the only way to make a woman happy is to "need" her 24/7? (How is his relationship with his mother?)

Maybe what he actually "needs" is a woman to give him permission to struggle on his own, to be an adult to learn to be comfortable with himself for company? Is he seeing a therapist about his codependency issues?

Not that I suggest you ask, but perhaps this weekend chick meets a need by setting firm boundaries, i.e., "I am busy and can't coddle you during the week, but we can set up a weekend with no interruptions so we can get to know each other." (I could see that being me. I could never date someone who expected even daily text/phone contact beyond "not dead yet".)

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Someone who wants a fun sexy weekend away with someone they are attracted to? A spontaneous person who is living in the moment and not looking for a long term romance? A poly person who thinks that being in love with someone else is not a barrier to a meaningful relationship? Lots of people still "love" their exes - that doesn't mean they can't also date, have sex with, fall in love with other people. Don't villianize HER - you don't know her, and don't have to understand her motivations.

Interesting. We discussed the weekend afterwards yesterday. He said he is not attracted to her. He doesn’t want a relationship with her, told her I’m the priority and he had no intention of pursuing a relationship with her. She was a little cold at first, but came around. He said he thought of me entire time. So I asked, "Then why do it?" He said, “I want to live in the moment.” That sounds either impulsive or like something to prove to me.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

OMG, this sounds hideous, for both of you. Maybe he learned/was trained by his previous relationships that the only way to make a woman happy is to "need" her 24/7? (How is his relationship with his mother?)

Maybe what he actually "needs" is a woman to give him permission to struggle on his own, to be an adult, to learn to be comfortable with himself for company. Is he seeing a therapist about his codependency issues?

Not that I suggest you ask, but perhaps this weekend chick meets a need by setting firm boundaries, i.e., "I am busy and can't coddle you during the week, but we can set up a weekend with no interruptions so we can get to know each other." (I can see that being me. I could never date someone who expected even daily text/phone contact beyond "not dead yet".)

Thank you for your response. We discussed his weekend at length yesterday. He said he told her I was the priority, that he had no desire to form a relationship with her, and that he wasn’t attracted to her. So I asked, "Why do it then?" He said, "To live in the moment." Sounds impulsive or trying to prove something to me.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

I know what he tells me about her. She’s not sure she’s poly, but has a husband and two boyfriends, and was more than willing to go away with someone who, before he put the key in the ignition, told her he had no intention of being in a relationship with her, and that he won’t lose me and I come first.

Me? I would have jumped out of the car and run back to my husband and two boyfriends. But I’m not villainizing her. To each her own.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

What did she "come around" to?

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

What did she "come around" to?

I guess to the fact that she was not going to be in any type of long-term relationship with him, and this may be a one-off, and that his relationship with me was the priority. She was quiet for a minute, processing apparently, and said ok, that’s fine, let’s go.

To each her own. I mean what can she say, really? She’s pretty busy with her own 3 personal romantic relationships.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

To each her own. I mean, what can she say, really?

She could say no. A lot of people would, if presented with the idea that it would most likely be a one-off, though, not necessarily just by hearing the relationship would stay casual.

It's really easy for the hinge partner in these situations to want to stretch the truth to reassure an anxious partner. I think you should project some sensibility onto the woman involved by looking at her more charitably. Think of her as at least as stable and intelligent as you.

You've already said that you'd run for the hills if you were her, and the situation was presented as he had told you. I think most people would, poly or not. So what makes sense to me is that it wasn't presented to her quite like he said it was. I think it's more likely he told her about his future plans with you as a life partner, and she genuinely didn't see it as an obstacle, because she has her own life partner(s).

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

She could say no. A lot of people would if presented with the idea that it will most likely be a one off. Though, not necessarily just by hearing the relationship will stay casual.

It's really easy for the Hinge partner in these situations to want to stretch the truth to reassure an anxious partner. I think you should project some sensibility onto the woman involved by looking at her more charitably. Think of her as at least as stable and intelligent as you.

You've already said that you'd run for the hills if you were her and the situation was presented as he had told you. I think most people would, poly or not. So what makes sense to me is that it wasn't presented to her quite like he said it was. I think it's more likely he told her about his future plans with you as a life partner, and she genuinely didn't see it as an obstacle because she has her own life partner(s).

Thanks for the insight!

 

[GalaGirl]

So I asked, "Then why do it?" He said, “I want to live in the moment.” That sounds either impulsive or like something to prove to me.

Why are YOU doing this? It doesn't sound great.

If he's going to just "live in the moment" -- are you going to be considered enough, in actual ACTIONS, and not just in words? Do you feel like doing your first poly V-relationship with an impulsive hinge?

I know what he tells me about her. She’s not sure she’s poly, but has a husband and two boyfriends, and was more than willing to go away with someone who, before he put the key in the ignition, told her he had no intention of being in a relationship with her, and that he won’t lose me and I come first.

I'm kind of wondering how honest this hinge even is, both to you and to this woman.

He could not keep away from you for a 5-week break up. (And neither could you). I'm concerned he's telling you whatever, just to keep you around, while he explores whatever kind of "poly" he thinks he's doing. Is he seeking casual sex/ENM arrangements, but using the wrong word because he's a newbie? Is he actually seeking polyamory, or some other kind of non-monogamy?

What are your dealbreakers?

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Why are YOU doing this? It doesn't sound great.

If he's going to just "live in the moment" -- are you going to be considered enough, in actual ACTIONS, and not just in words? Do you feel like doing your first poly V-relationship with an impulsive hinge?



I'm kind of wondering how honest this hinge even is, both to you and to this woman.

He could not keep away from you for a 5-week break up. (And neither could you). I'm concerned he's telling you whatever, just to keep you around, while he explores whatever kind of "poly" he thinks he's doing. Is he seeking casual sex/ENM arrangements, but using the wrong word because he's a newbie? Is he actually seeking polyamory, or some other kind of non-monogamy?

What are your dealbreakers?

Thank you for reply. I thought same… Is this actually poly, as in relationships, or occasional ENM hookups? As I said, it's all new to me, so I am trying to understand the different aspects of it.

Dealbreakers? Not so close to our backyard nor our inner circles. 6 weeks together and exclusive/2 weeks of “exploration.” And one of mine (not his) dealbreakers is that I don’t want to hear about or discuss his experiences. At all.

 

[GalaGirl]

I could be wrong in my impression. It basically sounds like you want monogamy, but are considering putting up with some kind of DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell) arrangement for him to have casual hook-ups in order to avoid a break-up: he can "explore" however he wants, and you don't have to know about it. Is that true?

If he's after "actual poly relationships," by asking him agree to 6 weeks exclusive with you, then 2 weeks "exploring" with whoever else, that makes it so he can't actually fully poly-date. It's best if he tells you, "No, I don't agree to that," now, from the start. He might agree to that just to avoid a break-up with you, but still get to explore, like, get a foot in the door. But what happens when he wants to split his time evenly, rather than skewed in your favor? Would that be a dealbreaker for you?

I am concerned that you two are chasing something that's not sounding great from the beginning, like, bending into pretzels to keep it going, when it isn't sustainable.

I hope your date from the weekend went well, at least. I'm kinda hoping that as you date other people you come to realize that there are better matches out there for you.

GG