BF and I just started Poly and he’s going away with someone this weekend.

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

I could be wrong in my impression. Basically, it sounds like you want monogamy, but are considering putting up with some kind of DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell) arrangement for him to have casual hook-ups in order to avoid a break-up. Then he can "explore" however he wants, and you don't have to know about it. Is that true?

Or if he's after "actual poly relationships," by asking him agree to 6 weeks exclusive with you, then 2 weeks "exploring" with whoever else, that makes it so he can't actually fully poly-date. It's best if he tells you, "No, I don't agree to that," now, from the start. He might agree to that just to avoid a break-up with you, but still get to explore, like, get a foot in the door. But what happens when he wants to split his time evenly, rather than skewed in your favor? Is that a dealbreaker for you?

I am concerned you two are chasing something that's not sounding great from the beginning, like, bending into pretzels to keep it going, when it isn't sustainable.

I hope your date from the weekend went well, at least. I'm kinda hoping that as you date other people you come to realize that there are better matches out there for you.

GG

Thank you for saying so. And no, I am not poly, but was willing to try this for awhile. We are middle-aged divorcees who were never looking to get married or have a family together, so, I said I would try.

My date wasn’t too great.

I agree we are bending ourselves into pretzels. We are having difficulties we are trying to iron out. I honestly don’t think I can or want to sustain this, but again, I said I would try, and two weeks in and one date is not trying in my book. We discussed at least two cycles of 6/2 agreement. But I am realistic.

 

[GalaGirl]

We discussed at least two cycles of 6/2 agreement. But I am realistic.

Well, at least there's a time frame. Two cycles of 6/2 and then you make the final call on this "experiment."

I'm sorry the weekend date wasn't good. I hope you keep dating others people though, and it gets better.

Galagirl

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Well, at least there's a time frame. Two cycles of 6/2 and then you make the final call on this "experiment."

I'm sorry the weekend date wasn't good. I hope you keep dating others people though, and it gets better.

Thank you so much. Me too!

 

[LoveBunny]

Thank you for saying so. I am not poly... I said I would try.

We are bending ourselves into pretzels and we are having difficulties... two weeks in, one date is not trying... We discussed at least two cycles of 6/2 agreement.

I'm going to argue that you (a mostly-mono person) dating isn't going to make you feel much better about poly. First of all, I'd assume you're only dating people who are non-monogamous. Which means, since you're mono, none of them are a "better match," as a great match would want the same relationship structure as you.

And even if they tick a ton of your boxes, because you're mono, you won't want them. You'll want YOUR person, the one you've been chasing & investing in, to whom you've shown your vulnerable side. Truth is, you'd rather cultivate and deepen that relationship, not compartmentalize and make time/energy to work simultaneously on a secondary one.

You may glean some confidence from knowing someone else attractive wants you, but generally, whatever fun thing you're doing, you'll wish you were doing it with your partner instead. I know when I'm really, really into someone, Michelle Pfeiffer circa '85 could show up for the date and it would feel shallow and like a waste of time.