BF wants to take new GF on vacation

Cas78

New member
Hi all,
Maybe you saw my other post “Open Relationship Trouble”. The BF and I have worked out some of our issues and things are good again. However, he now has a new GF that he would like to take on vacation to Iceland. I’ve been opposed to this in the past because I feel it’s an opportunity for their relationship to grow and perhaps overshadow ours. As his primary, I’m very protective of us and am fearful of another woman taking my place (this has happened in the past with my ex-husband and our mutual GF...ended in divorce and my husband and ex GF are now together and monogamous). So, PTSD is a big issue for me and my BF doesn’t really seem to get it and keeps pushing to spend more time with his new lady. I’m also having a terrible time trying to meet someone else to spend time with while he’s with her. I’ve been on numerous dates with duds and am exhausted from the effort. So this certainly adds to my frustration with our current situation. Any advice is welcome! I just need to figure out a constructive way to manage my jealously and stop viewing this other woman as such a major threat. My BF assures me I will remain his primary, but I’m just so scared about the past repeating itself.
 
So because of what your ex husband and ex GF did... Your BF today can't take a vacation with his other partner?

Do you find it a reasonable and rational thing that BF can take vacations with his other partner just as he would take them with you?
  • I think you may just have to risk it and see that nothing doom happens. Because your BF is NOT your ex. So you can relax.
  • Or risk it, find out your current BF *is* like your exes, so you can get rid of him faster. And then you can relax.
Either way seems better than both of you arguing about it and you living in fear unable to relax or lay it to rest.

If he's wanting to do a week or two in Iceland and that's too big a leap for you, negotiate that they take a smaller vacation before the big one just to ramp up. Maybe a long weekend first? I get that you also feel frustrated that you don't have another partner right now, but the skill of being ok on your own is a good one to cultivate. In poly world in won't always line up perfectly so you and BF have other partners at the same time.

Any advice is welcome! I just need to figure out a constructive way to manage my jealously and stop viewing this other woman as such a major threat.

Rather than focussing on the other woman as some threat or whatever ancticipated doom -- could focus on your coping skills.

  • If nothing doom happens, you will start trusting them both on their own merit and out from under the shadow of your exes.
  • If shenanigans happen, you will dump this BF much faster than you got rid of the other exes.
So either way, YOU are good, right? You can put the fear about the past repeating itself in better perspective. Hopefully it doesn't repeat. But so WHAT if it repeats? You can cope with whatever life brings about!

Because you DID cope with the ex husband and ex GF. Maybe not without some dings, but your survived and managed. So... if some new shenanigans happen, you can handle it better than last time, right?

Use your thoughts to ADD rather than TAKE AWAY from your confidence in your ability to handle your Life. Exercise your skills. Fuel your coping-ness rather than the fearfulness.

Galagirl
 
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Wait, this is Mr. "this relationship has an expiration date"? I mean usually I'd agree with Gala that you work on coping skills as this is not that unreasonable of a request... but if someone sat there and told me I was supposed to be their primary partner but ONLY until they decided to go back to someone else or until they found someone better... I think I'd have trust issues too!!!
 
If it is true that it is the same Mr Wishy Washy? Maybe there's option 3 -- simply ending it with him and not dealing in this whole "coping with vacations" issue.

Galagirl
 
Yeah, this is Mr Wishy Washy. He’s done a good job convincing me this new woman is just a FWB and there’s no threat of her taking my place. I believe him as we are open and honest with eachother. He did recently take her on a weekend getaway and it wasn’t as painful as I imagined it would be. But, he does want to spend more time with her and this is tough for me. I don’t want to end things because we have so much fun together, but outside of this I feel like I have to tightly control the relationship, which I know only makes matters worse. I am also actively looking for someone else to date, which is much harder than I expected!!!
 
I think if everything is hard? You are going to have to PICK your hard.

Either deal with having to tightly control this relationship, deal with the vacation thing, end it with him before you have a new person lined up, or stick with him for now knowing that he eventually wants to go back to his wife.

Galagirl
 
He’s done a good job convincing me this new woman is just a FWB and there’s no threat of her taking my place. I believe him as we are open and honest with eachother.

Whether or not he believes it (and has convinced you) has nothing to do with whether or not it'll actually happen.

It's a romantic getaway to Iceland lol - there will be lots of romance, no complication, great food, little shared adventures, and they will either decide they aren't right for each other or they'll decide they really are. What on earth makes him (or you) think that he can just decide whether or not he catches feelings for her? It's not like he's a robot who goes through a logic test prior to experiencing his every emotion.

So, PTSD is a big issue for me and my BF doesn’t really seem to get it and keeps pushing to spend more time with his new lady

Just to clarify, you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from a previous relationship not working out?
 
Re (from Cas78):
"I just need to figure out a constructive way to manage my jealously and stop viewing this other woman as such a major threat."

Perhaps a few of these links will help:
Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
When people show you who they really are believe them.

Why are you even with this man who has basically said that you are a place holder and will be replaced?
 
I’m very protective of us and am fearful of another woman taking my place
I encourage you to respect this fear, listen to yourself. Trying to get him to get it only distracts from what is going on with yourself. Not to be snarky, but just to be pointed: Why are you entering into polyamorous relationships? Is polyamory a core value for you or are you falling into patterns with partners and going along for the ride? Healing comes from looking into the relationship patterns that we co-create, not from trying to get our partners to smarten up.
 
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