BF won't let me go!

T

Topazia

New member
Hello all,

I will try make this short.

I am 23. At Christmas, I had a house, a fiance, and thought my life was on track. Then in January he just up and left me and everything crumbled.

I started talking to an old crush and he told me he had a gf. After flirting and joking, he said she didn't mind if we did anything. I was lonely. My self-esteem was shattered. So we became "friends with benefits."

I started learning I was into BDSM, after much battling with things I thought made me weird. I learnt his gf was his sub and they had a D/s relationship.

Due to financial hardships, he said he would move in with me, but when he did, we would stop sleeping together.

5 months in, we are in a relationship. I have fallen in love with him, after trying hard not to. He is so into me, that when I have tried to end it, he has started shaking and crying.

But I cannot stay in a poly relationship. His gf doesn't like me. I feel much competition goes on. I put this partly to her younger age.

I cannot act how I would in a relationship. This is his first D/s AND poly relationship. I feel like he will implode.

I keep telling him, but he won't break up with me. I can't do it, because when it is just me and him, it is like she doesn't exist.

I have always been cheated on. I am starting to feel not good enough.

I feel so trapped. He is such a good influence on me. I have lost weight from eating healthier. I've started hobbies again. I'm learning to be myself in the bedroom.

I want him, but not poly. I feel so helpless. I know I shouldn't feel so sad and guilty every day.

He said with him moving in next week, if we ended it, I'd be an ex to him, and he would feel weird. I keep hoping I will win him over to me, but I know this is a terrible way of thinking.

I'm told poly is beneficial. I feel I'm getting half a relationship, and he is getting everything, and more.

Please help me.
 
If you don't want to be involved with him, stop. Seriously, stop seeing him and certainly don't let him move in.

Trying to force him to choose between his other partner and you, when you knew in advance that he was poly is selfish. So stop.

The only thing you can control is your involvement and your behavior. If you have issues with polyamory, then don't get involved with a polyamorous partner. Trying to manipulate a poly partner into a monogamous relationship is rude and horribly dysfunctional.
 
I didn't say I was making him choose. I know full well. As I said, I haven't told him to. It's what I keep saying to him, that I would never let him choose.

But when I try to end it, he keeps calling and won't let be me. He's fighting so hard for me, it makes me start wondering if I should try.

I feel guilty for letting myself fall in love with him.

I think I'd be okay if I felt his gf was good for him, but she is bratty and clingy. Whenever I do something, it seems she tries to do me one better.

Financially, I need him to move in. Without going into it, I have a medical condition and need some help. As my friend, he helped me before.

Please don't think I am being harsh to him. All I'm doing is compromising.

I don't ring or text him. She does it 24/7. I don't want to hound the boy. I make sure he has time alone, whereas she doesn't. See my issues?
 
Is there no one else in the entire world that could move in with you? You are going down a dangerous and unhealthy path, I'm afraid. You're making excuses about why only he can help you.

I hate to say this, but you need to look at reality.

Imagine you and he have just moved in together. You've just woken up all snuggly, and are enjoying coffee in bed, chatting about your day's activities. You want to go for a walk with him. But he tells you he is getting together with his girlfriend in the afternoon, and spending the night with her.

Now picture them having sex, sweaty and passionate, him moaning into her ear the same way he moans into yours.

You've said you can't do polyamory. That means you are going to make yourself and your poly partner very unhealthy. Get out while you can.
 
Sigh... I know. That's why I tried to start going back to friends. It's just that nobody has ever fought for me, and he is fighting so hard.

I do actually quite like the idea of him having someone, but this girl just seems too demanding and not good for him.

He has said she wont sleep over here. He has started saying how he has started thinking of a future with me, and asking about places we could live after I get my degree.

His other gf sleeps around with people, but he doesn't want anyone but me and her. He asked me not to be with anyone else. He said, for fairness, I could, but he'd prefer me not to.

He is so right for me in everything, just not her, which is why I'm finding it hard to walk away.

The housing thing-- I'm in a city where I know no one. A random stranger couldn't look after me. I wouldn't feel comfortable having someone try to help me with my medical needs.

I just wonder if I can try bring my mind round. I keep wondering if she were as compromising as me, if I'd be fine, because I like that he isn't round mine every day. I like my own time.
 
Topazia said:
I keep wondering if she were as compromising as me, if I'd be fine, because I like that he isn't round mine every day. I like my own time.
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This is something to focus on in a positive sense. One of the benefits of polyamory can be a greater level of independence. The thing is, you should be independent in other areas of your life first, so you don't destroy who you are to be with him.

His girlfriend sleeping around is serious business. Your sexual health could be at risk if she isn't practicing safer sex. That is a big concern.

What if he broke up with her and found a new love? If he is poly, that will likely happen. Do you think this is more about her as an individual than the dynamics of polyamory?
 
That is what I'm trying to figure out. She is 19, very OTT. Very active in the gay community. She describes herself as lesbian. This D/s dynamic, he said she makes him feel an adult, as he has responsibility for her, while I make him feel normal and keep him grounded. I don't see his love for her.

I have been tested and keep safe. It's one of my biggest issues, so that is okay.

When she got with him, she suggested polyamory. I keep asking him if she hadn't, would he be doing this. He THINKS so. But I just feel he likes being a Dom to her, and likes me being his 'normal' gf.

I lost all my friends and hobbies with my last bf, but I was so in love I didn't care. I have been living alone 4 months. I like having my independence back, such as tonight. Yes, I would like to see him, but I have plenty to do. I don't mind being alone. I actually enjoy it.

That is why I am confused. He didn't like hearing I don't like her. I've tried talking to her, but she just speaks down to me, and I never feel equal. I always feel like just an addition. At least, that is how SHE makes me feel. He is trying. I just think he has taken on too much.

I asked if she was okay with him moving in with me. He said he would never consider moving in with her, as she would be under his feet 24/7.

This all confuses me so much! I feel so torn!

She also makes a deal about being in the poly "scene," like it's the "in thing," which I hate.
 
I experienced similar things when I was your age and what I did was seek therapy. My therapist really helped me sort things out and I continued to see her off and on for many years. It's truly a valuable gift you can give yourself that will last a lifetime. Good luck!! There are also a lot of thoughtful people here who are willing to listen and share with you!!
 
Topazia said:
I lost all my friends and hobbies with my last bf but i was so in love i didn't care.
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This statement is again very concerning. If you lose this much over a person and don't care then that indicates you are just about willing to do anything for some one to "love" you.

My original advise still stands. Find another room mate. Seriously.
 
I was very ill with my disease though and became depressed and afraid to leave the house. My bf at the time didn't make any friends here and worked shifts so it was a cycle.

With this relationship i want to use what i learnt and make sure i don't get wrapped up...why i have been encouraging him to take time to himself and nights with his friends...she doesnt..if she knows he isnt with me she expects to be with him

x

i am apprciating the input btw x
 
Topazia said:
if she knows he isnt with me she expects to be with him

x

i am apprciating the input btw x
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His girlfriend sounds like an odd mixture of poly sex networker and clingy monogamous girlfriend. If he moves in she sounds like the type to lose her mind with jealousy. It sounds like you are moving him in regardless and it also sounds like he is unwilling to see the possible harm in staying with this woman. You're in a bad situation. Good luck.
 
He has been my friend for 4 years so i care about his welfare, i tried to tell him yesterdsay he needs looking after and i don't think she is doing it.

She is very clingy and everyone i meet says how jealous of me she is...she has radically changed the way she dresses (baggy jeans t shirts) to pencil skirts and corsets (me)...he has said he'd never move in with her...i feel as ihs friend i have to help him but he would have to realise she isn't good for him.

I wonder if she is poly because its what all the LGBT people do so to speak.

My friends tell me to stay with him and she will push him away..i just don't know if i should.

thanks, i blame myself falling for him. but hes been a crush for 4 years lol couldn't believe my luck so to speak! x
 
I'm not sure what you are doing here to be honest. You sound convinced that he should move in, you should stay with him, he will leave his girlfriend, you won't have sex again with him, and that you will have a lovely mono future with him taking care of you. No one here can make him be the man of your dreams. So what do you want from this conversation? What are your doubts? There must be some or you wouldn't be here I would think.

Personally I think you are being naïve to think that moving him in is a good idea. The man has some shit going on and I would personally ask that he deal with it before moving any closer to you and especially to a position of looking after you! If he is a dom, it harks of control and imbalance of power that he is bugging you and whining about it. Where is the respect for your space and independence? To me it sounds like he is moving in to be rescued and then to take over your life. Maybe I'm wrong, but something seems really off here. Its making my back tingle.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
This statement is again very concerning. If you lose this much over a person and don't care then that indicates you are just about willing to do anything for some one to "love" you.

My original advise still stands. Find another room mate. Seriously.
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She's 23 which likely means that her last bf was one that she had in her teens. A lot of us made bad decisions in our teens with the people we chose to date and lost friends because of it. Hopefully the OP has learned from that last relationship and it won't happen again.

On another note though, I have to agree with what the majority of people are telling you here. It's not a good time to have your bf move in with you. There is too much instability at the moment which is just going to be amplified if you're living under the same roof.

I get that you don't like his gf, you might not even understand what he gets out of the relationship. The thing is that his relationship with her really has nothing to do with you. If you can't just leave it alone and not let it effect you you're not going to be able to be fully satisfied in your relationship with him.
 
Derbylicious said:
The thing is that his relationship with her really has nothing to do with you. If you can't just leave it alone and not let it effect you you're not going to be able to be fully satisfied in your relationship with him.
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This!

If you insist on him moving in, fine. Just don't expect to dictate who he is or is not in a realtionship with. You can certainly request that she not come into your home and I don't see why you have to have anything to do with her anyway. Tell the bf not to even discuss her with you. His issues with her are his, NOT yours. Your issues with her are yours, not his.
 
Derby and Tonberry have some good advice, I would also add that after this chicky is gone, there will be others... are you ready for that? If you are mono, maybe finding a mono boyfriend would be best. It sounds like dude is not all that stable at the moment.
 
Topazia said:
this other gf shes sleeps around with people but he doesnt want anyone but me and her and he asked me not to be with anyone else. he said for fairness i could but he'd prefer me not to...he is so right for me in everything just not her which is why im finding it hard to walk away.
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Just to remind you - he does not want anybody but you and her - NOW. If he is poly oriented, whether they break up or not, at some point, he will probably want somebody else. He is consumed with the new relationship with you, and busy with two relationships, so isn't thinking about anybody else today. I just don't want you to fool yourself into thinking that if they break up, that means it would be just you and him forever.

(edit: I knew I should've read through to the end, of course RP already said it ;)
 
Thank you all for your honest answers..most i already know in my head i guess.

He will be moving in and i am considering asking him to be my best friend and an awesome housemate...its not what i want but i guess i need to stop things sooner than later..i ahve been his friend for 4 years so hoping we can live together maturely and i don't feel any ill feelings towards him.

will keep you all posted xxx
 
Erm? how is moving him in = "stop things sooner or later"?

What does it mean "consider asking someone to be one's best friend and awesome housemate"?

I find these two linguistic constructions don't make a whole lot of sense vis a vis the conversation in the rest of the thread.

Did you forget to use the word "not" a couple of times up in there, perhaps?
 
Are you absolutely sure you can't seek any other resources for a house mate? Every time someone on the forum has suggested that this is NOT a good idea you have become very defensive... I sense a very unhealthy co-dependency here and I think things would get really bad for both of you if you moved in together.

You're SOOOO young. You are in a part of your life where you should be discovering new things about yourself and falling in love... with YOU!!!!!!

Ask yourself what you would tell a friend in this situation (someone you really cared about)... take it from there...

You can get lots of good advice on this forum. The key is taking it.... just sayin'...
 
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