Bi-Woman needing help

C

Ceciel

New member
So hey!
Where to start.. We're both in a relationship for 4 years now. I am female, he is male. We love each other deeply. I don't mean it in a fancy way, I mean through thick and thin. We over communicate everything. I know what he thinks before I even look at him and vice versa. So here comes the "problem":

I'm bisexual. And we're in a heterosexual relationship. So far so good, but I do miss dating women.

I was in an open relationship (only sexually) before and I know that this is nothing I'm missing out on. (Not negative, not positive, just don't really care about it?)
Neither of us are in for ONS or only sexual relationships in general.
He is also not interested in an open relationship because he just doesn't want to date other women.
We discussed the idea of swinging (which he didn't like) and a threesome (FFM), and that is definitely something he wants to try.

So here comes my dilemma. I want more than a threesome. I want someone we can go on dates with, together as three or just him or me alone with her. Like friends with benefits. Maybe more?
I'm totally open for it, even if there might be a throuple constellation happening someday.

But I have no idea how to address this. How do I tell my monogamous boyfriend that I want to open our relationship for a third person without him thinking he isn't enough? Because that is definitely not the case.
He knows that I miss dating women. This is all nothing new to him because I tell him everything I'm thinking and feeling.
Except my poly side? I dated in a triad constellation before (FFF) and I knew that this is something I'm open about. But when we (him and me) started dating I didn't know that it might be important to me.

As happier I get in our mono relationship the more I feel the urge to share the love I have left to give, does this make sense? Can someone relate to it? Because I feel sick to my stomach that he might interpret it differently.

Help
Any ideas, recommendations, personal stories would be appreciated!
 
Hello Ceciel,

You should tell your boyfriend that as a part of you being bisexual, you want another woman for more than just a one-time threesome. Reassure him that he is definitely enough, and that this desire of yours is completely separate from what he gives. It is a poly desire, it has to do with feelings and commitments and not just sex. Hopefully he will be understanding about that. I can definitely relate, you have a lot of love to give, that makes sense to me. Just be honest with him, and trust that he will understand and be supportive.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I don’t know if these reflection questions will help, but maybe they’re worth thinking about before you talk to him:

  • Right now you miss dating women—but what if later you wanted to date men too? Then what?
  • Does it have to be a triad, or could you date someone separately, and him date (or not) someone separately?
  • If he’s monoamorous, meaning he only wants one romantic partner, and that’s you, is that something you can truly accept long-term?
  • If the relationship opens, it has to be open for both of you. Even if he chooses not to use his option, it still has to exist for him. It can't be one-sided and only open for you. Are you okay with that?
  • What if he’s strictly monogamous and only wants 1:1 relationships? The rest is just fantasy talk... Is him wanting monogamy and you wanting polyamory a fundamental incompatibility?
  • Would a “mixed” setup work—where you pursue polyamory on your side, and he pursues casual sex (or nothing) on his side?
    • Are you okay with his dating experiences not including you? (Ex: he participates in casual-sex threesomes with other people that do not include you.)
There’s probably more to think on and discuss, but you could start with those.

How do I tell my monogamous boyfriend that I want to open our relationship for a third person without him thinking he isn't enough? Because that is definitely not the case.
Click to expand...

As for how to tell him: you kind of just… have to tell him. Gently, honestly, and without trying to control his reaction. Pick a good time—like after work on a Friday—so you both have space to process and then the weekend to rest. Not right before work, during a lunch break, or over text.

You can make it clear that:
  • this isn’t about him not being enough
  • you love what you have
  • but this is something you’re realizing about yourself
You could both read this together and talk it out.

kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

After that, you have to let him feel whatever he feels. He may be open, unsure, or completely against it—and all of those are valid. Just like you can’t turn off this part of yourself, he can’t force himself to want a relationship structure that doesn’t really fit him. This is more about whether your needs and values are actually compatible with each other at this point in time, or not.

Is that why you get a yucky feeling in your stomach-- you're worried this is a dealbreaker for him, and you will have to choose breaking up so you can pursue polyamory, or giving up polyamory and dating only him?

HTH,
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
GalaGirl said:
I don’t know if these reflection questions will help, but maybe they’re worth thinking about before you talk to him:

  • Right now you miss dating women—but what if later you wanted to date men too? Then what?
  • Does it have to be a triad, or could you date someone separately, and him date (or not) someone separately?
  • If he’s monoamorous, meaning he only wants one romantic partner, and that’s you, is that something you can truly accept long-term?
  • If the relationship opens, it has to be open for both of you. Even if he chooses not to use his option, it still has to exist for him. It can't be one-sided and only open for you. Are you okay with that?
  • What if he’s strictly monogamous and only wants 1:1 relationships? The rest is just fantasy talk... Is him wanting monogamy and you wanting polyamory a fundamental incompatibility?
  • Would a “mixed” setup work—where you pursue polyamory on your side, and he pursues casual sex (or nothing) on his side?
    • Are you okay with his dating experiences not including you? (Ex: he participates in casual-sex threesomes with other people that do not include you.)
There’s probably more to think on and discuss, but you could start with those.



As for how to tell him: you kind of just… have to tell him. Gently, honestly, and without trying to control his reaction. Pick a good time—like after work on a Friday—so you both have space to process and then the weekend to rest. Not right before work, during a lunch break, or over text.

You can make it clear that:
  • this isn’t about him not being enough
  • you love what you have
  • but this is something you’re realizing about yourself
You could both read this together and talk it out.

kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

After that, you have to let him feel whatever he feels. He may be open, unsure, or completely against it—and all of those are valid. Just like you can’t turn off this part of yourself, he can’t force himself to want a relationship structure that doesn’t really fit him. This is more about whether your needs and values are actually compatible with each other at this point in time, or not.

Is that why you get a yucky feeling in your stomach-- you're worried this is a dealbreaker for him, and you will have to choose breaking up so you can pursue polyamory, or giving up polyamory and dating only him?

HTH,
Galagirl
Click to expand...
Thank you for the reply!

Yes, I reflected those question before, and I’m definitely open for him to do whatever spends him joy!

I’m ultimately on the side of “I want to spend my life with him, no matter how," and that includes him being his own individual, with wants and needs that might not always fit my wants and needs. Like, if it makes him happy to date others, I would love to enable this for him. I’m not really dealing with jealousy, only if it’s unclear for me what the intentions are. But everything that is clearly discussed is not a problem to me. Nevertheless, I’ll be looking into the link you sent. 😊

I spend hours researching and watched a lot of videos, which at the end lead me here, because I do believe it’s best to be able to talk to people who are living or experiencing open/poly relationships.

Yes, maybe that’s why I get the yucky feeling, because I’m not sure whether I can imagine myself giving up on poly or not. But you’re definitely right that the only way to find this out is to talk to him about it openly.

Thank you again. :D
 
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