Big decisions-- triad to V?

V

verydogmother

New member
Hi everyone,

I've been a poly(wog?) for 3 months. Quite a roller-coaster! I could use some advice. You might find my story jaw-dropping. I do!

It started when a female friend of two years told me that if she ever had a female lover, it would be me. I already loved her, so I was so happy. I didn't hear the if part. She told me that eventually her husband would want to join us. I thought she meant, like in three months or something. No, she meant like in three hours. But I was okay with that. Thrilled to be with her, okay being with him.

Immediately it turned out that she and I were very sweet together, sexually, but he and I were like fireworks. I love both ways. We have made love, me with her, me with him, and all three of us together, for the three months we've been together. Lucky me!

I live three hours away so I see them every second weekend.

By and by, several things happened; she was jealous of his NRE for me; she travelled far away, twice, and became sexually involved with an old flame (male); she has NRE for me.

Maybe because of jealousy, or maybe just because of me, her feelings for me changed. She's not sure she wants to see me anymore and, since she is ambivalent about me, I feel the same about her. (Our friendship is mostly intact.) He still wants to see me ASPA. I did not to agree to a V formation. I miss her. I don't know how I can see him without hurting her.

So I seek your advice on this. Do I see just him? I want to go back to a trio, but she says she can't. And she has/had three of us at the same time.

Meanwhile, I have a great opportunity to move into the house beside them for two years. He is probably thrilled beyond belief. She feels like I am invading. But it is a great opportunity for me at this point in my life. Do I turn it down just because I slept with them (at their invitation) and it is a bit wobbly right now?

I love them both and must preserve our friendship/previous relationship. (We are involved in important community work together). Thank you!
 
verydogmother said:
She feels like I am invading. But it is a great opportunity for me at this point in my life.
Click to expand...

Reverse the situation. Of course she would feel very uncomfortable with this. Is there no other place to move? This just sounds very convenient from an outside perspective. NRE makes us see things differently and have an often total lack of empathy for the emotions of others.

I feel for your situation and hope everything works out.
 
big decisions

Hmm... Well, the thing is, I had a goodwill adventure with two friends, at their invitation. I did my best to be honourable and respectful. It only lasted for three months, and now because of that, I can't move to a great place/take a great opportunity that is way bigger for my life than this relationship (as big as it was)?? I have the chance to live there for two years.

BTW, I made a typo in my first post. She had NRE for him, the guy far away, not for me. Sorry 'bout the confusion.
 
Jaw dropping is a good way to look at it! It sounds like there were some great experiences. But I'm not clear on what you want from it... since things have changed in your relationship. What is more important, maintaining the friendship or pursuing a continued V?

Can you slow down? Do you have to make this decision now? Sometimes, with a little patience, the best answer will present itself.
 
There is nothing wrong with a V, I think. Often triads turn into Vs. It's not likely everyone's feelings stay the same for one another, or grow evenly in triads, and it's a common occurrence to have the pace between partners vary.

I would not suggest moving closer. It does seem like it's invasive and too close, considering the circumstances. It seems pushy and self-centred, to me. I think this opportunity is not yours, really, if you want to be respectful and stay friends with them.

It sounds like all of you need to discuss where to go from here: boundary setting, some honest, open and respectful communication, and some compassion from everyone could go a long way.

I would also suggest that doing a search on here for *triads* and *vees* could be useful. There are a lot of good threads others have written along the way on just this type of dynamic.
 
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