Big poly family

bigpolyfamily

New member
So, hi everyone. My name is Jess. I'm a 26-year old woman who is married to another woman. We'll refer to her as Curli. We got married (in November. Then, shortly after we married, we fell in love with another couple. The other couple consists of a woman, Hecate, who recently discovered that she was gay, after being married to her husband Tiberius for 10 years, and having four children. So it's us, a lesbian couple, and a "bi/hetero" couple with four kids.

We met and clicked and it very quickly became romantic. We originally thought it would just be a sexual relationship between me, Curli, and Hecate, but we embraced our relationship with Tiberius.

We love their family. Their amazing children love having Curli and me around. We do dinners, and game nights, and small holidays together. We all sort of fill in what our original partners can not. I am emotional and silly. Curli balances me by being the responsible one who rarely gets emotional. Hecate is the emotional silly one, and Tiberius is the responsible, less emotional one. We are balanced by our original partners, yet we have found similar souls with Hecate and Tiberius.

I really wish I could explain how we fell into this. It just sort of happened. One day we all sort of looked at each other and couldn't imagine our lives apart. We love each other so much. But that isn't to say there aren't issues.

Hecate and I are extremely close and passionate, as we're practically the same person and offer each other a very emotional relationship. Our partners are busy with work and supporting us (separately). We don't share a house or our incomes.

Hecate just had their fourth child. We met during her pregnancy and now have a beautiful infant among us. Things have been stressful, which makes sense. A pregnancy, a baby, nerves, everyone finding their places.

I think Tiberius feels left out because Hecate has recently discovered that she is more attracted to women than to men. I think Curli feels left out because I have found my emotional counterpart and Hecate and I are so close.

I am feeling the strain of being in love with someone who is being pulled in multiple directions. Hecate is the mother of four, a wife, a girlfriend to me and Curli, and she works.

Our relationship is unbalanced because they have children. We've fit ourselves into their lives because we have less holding us down. Our lives now revolve around their family, and less around our younger friends without kids.

I love our family. I love this life. But I crave for there to be a balance, and quite frankly, to have what I want without having to worry about being dictated to by Hecate's children and Tiberius.

Realistically, the longevity of this scenario is... slim. But we want to do what it takes to make it work, to have two families that meld. But I have to admit, it's hard not to be selfish. I often wish I could steal Hecate away and have time alone without having to worry about making Tiberius jealous (which he isn't really, but with the baby here he's been pushed to the side). Or without making Curli jealous. (She isn't really either, but with her work schedule, Iam often left to spend lots of time with Hecate.)

I feel sort of alone here. I know people have poly relationships, but blended poly families?! Crazy. Anyone else in a poly family?
 
Welcome Bigpolyfamily,

Wow, that sounds like a very complex situation, but I hope that it all works out. I think it is possible if you all enjoy each other for what you have to give, and stop thinking of each other in a competitive light. At present there must be a lot of NRE going on, but don't let that make you neglect your other partners. Also, right now some of your language (please don't be offended) is very much in the realm of NRE drunkenness. It is like crack, man. It makes you believe stuff that is probably not true.

Please try to relax and enjoy the relationship for what it is. Keep up the communication between your partners and metamours, and try to wait until the NRE is over before making any big life changes.

GL,
Natja
 
Thanks!

I agree, it's definitely new and exciting, but not so much at the same time. We've been doing this since November, and have settled into a life together-ish.

The communication is the biggest thing, especially with kids being involved. Our life is dictated by the kids, and it's hard to be assertive about our needs without feeling selfish.

You are absolutely right about not neglecting our partners. I will say its difficult. Hecate and I have similar schedules. Tiberius and Curli are all over the place. Hecate and I are best friends. It's hard to keep us separated and focused solely on our established partners because of the NRE. Besides, I think we feel super comfortable and used to our partners, and we often take them for granted.

Any tips on communicating?
 
Schedule it and ask everyone to come to the table with issues they feel need to be discussed.
Actively listen. Don't just hear.
Allow people to say all they want to say. Do not butt in.
Don't accuse.
Don't respond to accusations by being defensive.
Use non-aggressive language.

Most of all, I would say please try to imagine how your other partner and your metamour feel in the midst of all this NRE, and all this NRE language. It might seem a long time ago now, but I am sure you both had such passionate and loving feelings at the beginning of your other relationships too.

One day Hecate will be the kind of partner you can take for granted, as well. That is, if you are lucky and get past this point of temporary insanity. (I wish someone had explained NRE well enough for me to realise I would act like a crazy person and nearly ruin my life by making some truly bad decisions, and stopped me.)

Just keep talking, not about the future, but about the here and now, and how you want everyone in the configuration to benefit from this relationship, rather than feeling they have lost out.

HTH,
Natja
 
Hello Jess,
Welcome to our forum.

Natja's advice is good; follow it and you will be off to a good start. Also you can benefit from reading various other threads on this site, and posting if you have any thoughts or questions. The Life stories and blogs board might be a good place to start, you can learn first hand from other people's experiences (as well as start your own blog if you want).

Poly relationships are often rocky in the beginning. If you can get through the first couple of years, you'll find that it gradually gets easier.

I wish you the best of luck and love in this new venture.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Similar situation

This is our situation: we are 2 couples that live under one roof with all five of our kids. We have 3, the other couple has 2. We are in a relationship with them. It has its issues, but it is so amazing. We are all so happy. We moved in here as a temporary thing, but now they don't want us to find our own place, but a bigger house for all of us next year.

I have been on here for months looking for someone in the same sort of situation, just for advice and such. Haven't found anything until now. Please feel free to private message if you'd like to chat or ask for advice. I'm not a pro at this or anything, but having someone to talk to would be nice.
 
tips for busy lives

I would just offer that it is ok to write things down and have 'on purpose' family meetings. Email or hand writing the letter, can be a huge help when dealing with emotional issues. Marker boards to help remember points as they come up. in my life there is no privacy, we all know everyone's passwords and everything... busy households and children are a great challenge.
 
From here it seems to me you're caught up in NRE (new relationship energy) with Hecate-- love, lust, hormones. Yes, it's been 7 months, but NRE generally lasts 6-24 months, so could very easily still be in play.

You say you wish Hecate wasn't "dictated to" by her kids, Tiberius, and the demands of her job. It's okay to wish things, but when one is poly, respect for the demands of life that someone has with her primary is very important. If you wish you had a less attached gf (maybe single, maybe with another partner, but not married, no kids, for example), you could go get one!

I feel badly for Tiberius. Is he getting any sex at all? Is she a "lesbian," or bi enough to meet his sexual needs? Will there be some searching on his part for a bi or straight partner now? Or is he mono and harboring resentment?

How does this dynamic work? Who sees/sexes/dates whom, and when? With a triad plus several dyads going on here, plus 4 kids, including a newborn, this seems incredibly complicated, and calendar work highly important.
 
Answers

Tiberius doesn't have an entirely super-active sex drive. He understands that Hecate is basically a lesbian. She is open enough to engage in sex with him, but it is rare. I too feel bad for him in this situation, because I believe he should be wanted and appreciated. Curli and I are open to having sex with him, and we have, and have let him know that we are always open to it. However, he rarely initiates. He's been dealing with work stress that keeps him from being in the mood.

I believe if he needed to have his needs met, he would have them met by us. However he hasn't really taken us up on the offer lately. Like I said, work stress, winter blues, new baby = 2 months of this guy not wanting sex.

I'm Hecate's primary sex partner. She also sleeps with Curli, but it's rare because of Curli's work schedule, like, once a week, or week and a half.

I sleep with both Hecate and Curli, primarily. I've kind of accepted that Tiberius isn't into sex right now.

There isn't really time to "date." We spend a lot of time as a family, meals, game nights, drinks and cuddles after the kids go to bed. That part is hard. Being childless at the moment, Curli and I would love to do more adult things, like nice dinners and drinks out every once in a while, but that's hard to arrange.

I'm trying to be more open about my needs. I'm trying to institute a monthly date night for the four of us. It's easy to pair off for dates, so that someone is always home with the kids, but I think it's important for us to connect as adults in a space that isn't their beautiful home. I'm also trying to find a way to set up a date schedule, even if its just an hour alone for a drink or a walk. We spend a lot of time at their home due to the new baby.

As for a calendar, we have a shared family Google calendar where we each put our work and social schedules, so that we know when we are free to be together. This has worked out well, ending lots of confusion and lending a hand to scheduling in advance. I've heard of other couples with really intense schedules for alone time, family time, couple time. That all seems so complicated. I wouldn't even know where to start.

From here, it seems to me you're caught up in NRE (new relationship energy) with Hecate.. Yes, it's been 7 months. NRE generally lasts 6-24 months, so could still be in play.

You say you wish Hecate wasn't "dictated to" by her kids, husband and the demands of her job... Respect for the demands of life that someone has with her primary is very important. If you wish you had a less attached gf (maybe single, maybe with another partner, but not married, no kids, for example), you could go get one!

I feel badly for Tiberius. Is he getting any sex at all? Is Hecate a "lesbian," or bi enough to meet his sexual needs? Will there be some searching on his part for a bi or straight partner now? Or is he mono and harboring resentment?

How does this dynamic work? Who sees/sexes/dates whom and when? With a triad, plus several dyads going on here, plus 4 kids, including a newborn, this seems incredibly complicated, and calendar work highly important.
 
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