Bisexuality and accidental polyamory

1

1234567

Member
Wondering something.

TLDR: Are any of you bi/pan folks poly partly because that is where you find the most acceptance? If so, what gave you peace enough to work through the down sides if poly wasn't something you needed? Alternately, anyone have any advice?

Flesh-Out:

I've completely and utterly stopped dating recently, following a breakup 3-months ago depending on how you look at it with my first poly love (a 4-year on and off relationship, last nicknamed Apple), to give me some space to process what when wrong in the past 4 years. And-- life is way better not dating. Which makes me question a lot.

One of the things that gave me pause recently was a part-answer to the mystery "why do bi women suffer such high levels of domestic violence?" And part of the answer seems to be that the degree of abuse a bi woman receives has high correlation to the degree of biphobia of her partner - even if they hide it.

And that made me think-- Is that why I because poly in the first place? Because poly people tend to be more accepting- even sometimes celebratory- of bisexuality? And I can sense the disrespect and possibility for abusivenes inherent in non-acceptance? (I have had some doozy's of poly relationships, but not nearly as bad as mono ones in terms of respect.)

Is my involvement in the poly community not because I need multiple partners -- I don't -- but because I need my partners not to be biphobic and basically respectful of me as a person, and a higher percentage of poly people meet that goal?

I started dating through OKC, and kept the fact I was bi openly on my profile as a "weeder"- I don't really want someone for who that is a "compromise'. So maybe that's why i was led more to poly people.

This thought path shakes me in a way that makes me think it's the truth. I've sat on this for weeks and keep coming back to it.

If it's true--

it leaves me in a bit of despair.

Following it through to the conclusions I draw, it means that dating in the mono world makes it unlikely for me to find what I need in terms of bi acceptance, and dating in in the poly world has been a bit of a disaster because I really like a lot of the conventional trappings of monogamy, like more time with one person, and being "safe" in the assumption that your closest partner will be there for you reliably when you need support. (I'm independent enough, but burnt out on the degree that I've needed to be in any of my poly relationships where people were already established with someone else.)

I have ethical problems with hierarchy, And that's really what I would need to get what I want from a poly situation. My ethics tend to trump practicality, so hierarchy is out. I can see where clear boundaries are good, but the insistence of your expectations trumping others is not (which is how hierarchy has often played out in my experience).

I'm also burned out on poly dating in general. I've had more than my share of being the one who was the game changer in terms of either fairness or intimacy "allowed" to the other partner (situations I don't see till I'm in them), not always successfully

I assume I could get both a lack of biphobia and enough relational availability to meet my closeness needs by skewing towards dating mono bi people, but bi people keep pretty well hidden in mono culture because, well, that's what we do. If there's a bi culture, it includes invisibility. And I do some hiding too, now, because of work security issues- I can be open about who I am, or have a picture up on dating sites, but probably not both.

I could use some (gentle) shaking up of thought patterns, and some "you might want to try this" type comments. This seems like it must be a false conclusion that "all is so difficult, it's probably better not to date again." I'm sure it's really more like "I looked for the wrong places for love before, or allowed or was attracted to the wrong things, and i should't do that again, but I should try..." what?

I'm not NEARLY ready to date. But this pattern of feeling hopeless is worth addressing for it's own sake.
 
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in retrospect, one of the last people I dated (while I was being poly) was mono, and bi-accepting. Poly accepting, too. So it's not impossible to find. What did us in was basically what always does-- someone not wanting to share, and the resulting strain being too much.

i think that someone in retrospect was both of us. i didn't"t want to always be completely out of contact, possibly for days, when they were together. I could be there 95% of the time- and happily- but a hollday in silence, or crisises in silence were too much. (not that I needed much- a text "happy Thanksgiving" would have been enough- and my partner wanted at least that wit me, and made a conversation work, and there was really only one crisis- caused accidentally by the partner in common, who triggered me badly during sex by not treating a boundary we'd just talked about and I'd tried to establish multiple times with care. I ended up not needing contact, but wanted to know I could get some if I did. In my estimation, saying, "I may not need to, but X is is crisis and I said I would be available briefly if she needs it" on a date is part of the landscape. I've done this for my partners several times, and no one has taken me up on it, and the partners have always been understanding-- including my meta. I think I wanted that extended back-- and would not have taken her up on it. Being in crisis and out of contact because you choose to give space is different from being in crisis and out of contact because your partner has given up the right to talk to you, or doesn't want to provide a lifeline if needed.

My meta didn't"t want even a surreptitious few minute text in the bathroom to go on to say "I fotgot to tell you I was with meta. Glad to hear about your day, and talk later". My meta could be very generous about staying out the way. I could be very generous about sharing time for my meta's needs when together, if the two of them wanted to say goodnight. Trying to resolve it, whatever our partner needed was not happening and she ended up feeling she had to choose. (I suspect she needed to be able to decide on her own how much contact she had with people without any pressure. That would have been acceptable to me. I have a harder time with "My partner has a need, and I will appease her by doing what is good for her even if it is not good for me and bad for you, and expect you to accept that.)

So maybe I'm a shitty partner in poly, too. Or maybe- the answer from the poly side of finding an acceptable situation to me is "let's none of us be ridiculous".

Which is really the same for the other side. Biphobia- is ridiculous. Honestly. Looking down on someone because of their attractions, or being threatened- is ridiculous. Which-- you could say about poly and jealousy too.

But-- perhaps that is human nature.

I guess I want a situation where no one feel threatened by attractions, past or present, or no one is acting badly because of feeling threatened. Which brings up some pretty deep family of origen stuff- my stepmom felt threatened by me, and there was all sorts of ridiculousness ensuing. That situation has just come to a close, and its a relief.

So I guess the self- knowledge I have is that I'm not in a position right now to be patient and put up with ridiculous behavior in response to someone feeling threatened. And, in the past, dating in the poly world has ALWAYS included that. That doesn't mean it always will, but it might mean poly dating will be unsuccessful until I have worked through stuff enough so I can both be attracted to people and situations where it is unlikely there will be ridiculousness, and I have the filters and awareness to pick situations off early and head them off.

It might also mean that there are slim pickings out there-- I'm aware my "ridiculousness" might be someone else's "give them time to adjust". And I'm kind of burned out on that right now. Which may just mean it is wise not to date until I'm recovered from the weight of past dating, and my own overgiving in terms of flexibility and understanding at the expense of not advocating for respectful, fair treatment. Perhaps when I have recovered, it won't seem as big a deal to navigate poly, or navigate biphobia, and perhaps I won't have to, having a self-knowledge of what is good for me that will filter situations and people out better.

That might be the answer.
 
I think giving yourself time to sort out your emotions and what you want out of a relationship(s) is a very good idea. You are displaying a lot of self-awareness, and you have not become "bitter" about other people; you just want to find out what works best for YOU.

I have been mono partnered for a very long time, so I don't have any practical advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that you are being heard, until the others come along!

Good luck!
 
I could be wrong. But to me it sounds like you are sorting our your feelings post break up and re-developing your personal standard for dating. Not actually ready to date, but re-developing your personal standards because previous standard was not enough.

This is your personal boundary:

I want a situation where no one feel threatened by attractions, past or present, or no one is acting badly because of feeling threatened.
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This is the consequence YOU can do if this line is crossed.

I can both be attracted to people and situations where it is unlikely there will be ridiculousness, and I have the filters and awareness to pick situations off early and head them off.
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Basically you seem to say "If a potential is looking incompatible? Then I am not going date them to begin with. If they start out ok but then I realize that no... actually they are incompatible? I will break up with them sooner rather than later."

It might also mean that there are slim pickings out there.
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Isn't that the point of having a personal standard while dating? To sort out the deeply compatible from those who are not?

There's a button a bi/poly friend of mine used to have. Something like "Bi, poly, still won't sleep with you." Just because one is bi and poly doesn't meant one is obligated to date just ANYONE who comes around.

Another bi poly married friend of mine said something like "So what? I'm bi, I'm poly, I'm married. I don't stand on street corners shouting it. Just because someone else is bi or poly doesn't mean I'd have anything in common with them. I don't necessarily have anything in common with other married people."

Which may just mean it is wise not to date until I'm recovered from the weight of past dating, and my own overgiving in terms of flexibility and understanding at the expense of not advocating for respectful, fair treatment.
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Sounds like you know you need a break. And you know your own weak spots -- you sometimes forget to meet yours own needs FIRST, then help others with their reasonable and rational needs. Not like "selfish" but like "self care." You have to remember to put your own oxygen mask on first. Not give and give and give hoping eventually someone else will remember to give you oxygen too.

Perhaps when I have recovered, it won't seem as big a deal to navigate poly, or navigate biphobia, and perhaps I won't have to, having a self-knowledge of what is good for me that will filter situations and people out better.

That might be the answer.
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Yup. It's ok to be selective/picky about the company you keep.

Galagirl
 
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As Powerpuffgrl said, you do sound quite self-aware - however within that awareness, I can sense you are burnt-out, confused and very hurt by your past dating experiences.

I'm not sure I have any definitive answer for you. Biphobia does exist, granted, though I haven't personally experienced any abuse due to my orientation, despite being in a V with both a male and female partner. (My male partner did once comment that he thought "promiscuity" went with the territory for bi people, but that was before I began the relationship with my female partner who he knows and trusts.)

I believe a lot of it comes down to the integrity and maturity level of the people you get involved with, and their generosity of spirit and willingness to be "play fair".

I'm all for independence and giving a partner "space" (to be with another partner, friends, or have time to themselves), but complete radio silence in times of crisis or on holidays and special days would do my head in. Does, I should say, because this IS something I've experienced.

Mono or poly, I think anyone who's feeling burnt out, jaded and "relieved" to retreat from the dating world should listen to their (your) inner voice and simply NOT DATE for a while. Be on your own... take some time to heal... be kind to yourself... figure out what (not necessarily who) you need to feel happy and fulfilled. Then, and only then, will you be ready to enter into another relationship.

For example, when I was much younger, I was in an extremely volatile 3-year relationship that included cheating and some physical abuse. After I ended things, I did not feel ready to date anyone, even casually, for about a year and a half. So I didn't. Conversely, when my decades-long marriage ended fairly recently, it did so amicably and both myself and my ex husband felt ready to move on straight away, and did. There were no unanswered questions or open wounds to heal, though of course it wasn't easy or fun.
 
Hi 1234567,

I get the impression that you want the perks that come from monogamy. You don't like having to share your partner's love and attention. You have tried polyamory in the past, but it hasn't worked for you. So, what you need is a monogamous partner who will respect you and treat you right. Right now you don't want to date, which is perfectly okay, and probably a good idea. When you do feel ready to start dating again, I suggest you date monogamous people, but have a very high standard about how they treat you. Like, if someone even starts to treat you a little bit bad, don't take a chance on that, just stop dating them, immediately. Try dating someone else instead. This way you spend the least possible amount of time on disrespectful (e.g. biphobic) people, and eventually you end up with a monogamous partner who treats you right (e.g. is not biphobic). This may sound like too much work, it is just my initial thoughts on the matter, so only use my advice if you think it would help.

Bad experiences you have had in the past are still experiences; that is, they give you experience. They give you food for thought, so that your odds on the next go-round are better. Be strong and hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi 1234567,

I get the impression that you want the perks that come from monogamy. You don't like having to share your partner's love and attention. You have tried polyamory in the past, but it hasn't worked for you. So, what you need is a monogamous partner who will respect you and treat you right. Right now you don't want to date, which is perfectly okay, and probably a good idea. When you do feel ready to start dating again, I suggest you date monogamous people, but have a very high standard about how they treat you. Like, if someone even starts to treat you a little bit bad, don't take a chance on that, just stop dating them, immediately. Try dating someone else instead. This way you spend the least possible amount of time on disrespectful (e.g. biphobic) people, and eventually you end up with a monogamous partner who treats you right (e.g. is not biphobic). This may sound like too much work, it is just my initial thoughts on the matter, so only use my advice if you think it would help.

Bad experiences you have had in the past are still experiences; that is, they give you experience. They give you food for thought, so that your odds on the next go-round are better. Be strong and hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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This does in fact make a heck of a lot of sense- thank you- all 3 of you- for your encouragement and reflection back. I think the "leave sooner" of Gala Girl's advice and "leave if they even treat you a little bit bad" might be a really good idea. And., LunaBunny, that makes sense about some times being easy to leave and some not- and it making sense that this would not.
 
Sounds like our posts have been helpful, that is good to hear. Good luck as you continue with your travels.
 
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