I think the root of this is that I'm worried she might decide to have that conversation without considering all of us.
So if she does that? You all deal with it.
Or you speak up (for your own self, not like group spokesman) before that happens and tell you you prefer she not have conversations with new people that are going to out YOU without your knowledge before hand. You don't like hearing AFTER "BTW, I told so and so I'm open/poly and since you my BF, I outted you too."
That's not kind or considerate of her partners she knows are in the closet.
First - what kayla wants. She's expressed a bit of a desire to get out and play some - she was monogamous through all of her 20's and most of her 30s, and she's expressed that she wishes she'd been able to play - but that wasn't what we had all agreed to.
Then she can ask to renegotiate agreements.
Or you can bow out of the poly network because Kayla says one thing (closed group) and does another (impulsiveness, acting like its an open group, outting people who don't want to be outted, doing risky behavior in pandemic, etc. ) Plus the time management concern -- spreading herself too thin across too many partners.
This was poly/polyfidelity, not open, so there's a touch of concern there - but was she serious, or had she just had a couple of drinks?
You can ask her if she's serious or not. I do not think having some drinks releases people from their agreements. They could just not agree in the first place and then they don't have to worry about keeping agreements. They can also watch their drinking so they don't get drunk and do off putting behaviors drunk.
and the outing is ... another problem. One that I don't think Samantha and Joe are even aware of. Which is, in some ways, a landmine sitting right in their neighborhood (they live around where she works, and it's a small neighborhood).
So who is responsible for making Samantha and Joe aware that Kayla outted herself to new people and in doing so may have outted other partners? Kayla, right?
You could tell Kayla "I don't like being outted like that. I think you could ask all your polycule partners where they stand on that." Then let her deal with her responsibilities to her other partners.
You don't have to be the "group manager" for all the things.
This all seems to be an underlying pattern in some ways - she jumps first without asking the others involved. The new group of friends, outing people... all of that is a "woo!" not a "lets think this through." Which is a bit scary.
Well, is this her personality or typical way of going?
If so? If you don't like it? Maybe now that you have been dating her longer you rethink how compatible you are with Kayla. You can request that she modify her behavior. She decides if she will or won't. Based on her answer? You decide if you stay with her or not.
It's part of the dating "get to know you" process. You haven't been with her all that long as a dating partner.
Some people don't make it to a first date. Some first dates? Don't make it to
initially compatible enough to merit dating some more. Some that are initially compatible? More time might reveal they are not
deeply compatible. If she just moves too fast, too impulsive, and not all that considerate of other people? Well, maybe her way of doing poly is not for you.
You could figure out what YOU want in a dating partner and then figure out if Kayla meets your personal standard or if she doesn't make the cut.
You're right - It's not my job to be the diplomat at all, it just feels like I'm the one that everyone talks to at least.
It's ok to talk to your polycule people to a reasonable degree. After all, there's calendar and things to coordinate. You seem to be friends.
But you could also tell people when you are full and don't have the spoons to be listening to their ______. And you could tell people to talk to
each other directly when that needs to happen because you are not the "group messenger" for all. Maintain good personal boundaries.
Everyone could communicate their own stuff to the right persons rather than indirectly and hoping the message "eventually gets there."
Maybe it's time we had a "family" meeting... this was supposed to be kitchen table poly. Somehow, over the last 2 months, it's become two couples, but that wasn't the goal, and we may need to reset a little bit.
Well, maybe the original agreements sounded good "in theory" but the reality after 6 months "in practice" it shows different. If this is not KTP like you imagined but naturally wants to be more like 2 connected couples? Ok, fair enough.
Still have to talk about how people want to be outted or not.
And whether this is a Closed group and not more people in the polycule. Or some persons are Closed to dating more and some are Open to dating more partners. Or all are Open to dating more. Plus what is realistic and reasonable in pandemic.
Then talk about how much "group date stuff" is realistic. Might reduce the "group dates" to once a month or once a quarter or semester rather than weekly. Because after some trial and error, you find that people want to spend their time differently in the couplings, or have free time to themselves to be on their own, with friends, or dating new potentials. Not doing so much group stuff.
This is new for all of you, so there's going to be some trial and error while things shake out.
But if something just flat out goes against the grain for you or puts you at too much risk? You can always bow out of the polycule.
You are the one who decides what you are and are not willing to put up with.
One of the articles I read about this was "a meeting with everyone shouldn't take more than 2 hours, but every person we add increases it by an hour - we're at 6 hours now, which might be too much"
6 hours meetings? Even at work I don't run meetings longer than the once a month 60-90 min thing with agenda. My spouse does quick 10-15 weekly ones since they meet more often at his work.
Why are your polycule meetings so long they take up 6 hours?
Galagirl
