Hey, this is my first post, a bit of a tale it is
perhaps i can sum it up nicely
so; I've been seeing someone for almost two years. We were explicitly poly from about a week in
Five months in they asked to move into my room for winter, I agreed, having never co-habited before
We lived together there for about a year, and had our challenges with metamours.. mostly that they had a few coming by at different times, and it always made me a bit uncomfortable in the space..
one time a meta "missed their train" and slept on a lounge.. I went to sleep with my lover, awoke and rolled over to an empty bed.. it was a bit of a jolt, but they had gone to sleep with the meta during the night..
anyway, we ultimately realised the tension around metamours wasn't great and moved out, into separate houses. They had a bad run with housing, leaving the first place, finding a sublet for a month, and then finally asking to move in with me again for a month or so while they found somewhere else..
my gut instinct was to say no, but I care about them and wanted to help them, so I said yes instead, reasoning it was only for a little while.
A night or two before they moved in, I ended up getting cuddly with my housemate pretty much by accident. It was loving and warm, but we agreed not to take it any further, partly for community cohesion and partly to protect my lover, who was about to move in.
I told my lover and they were at first a bit overwhelmed, and then soon afterwards very intentionally set out to find a new lover.. they played "35 questions" and were soon coming back with stories of hot sex and general bounds of NRE.
By now we'd hardly had sex all year. We're often cuddling at night, but are both unfulfilled sexually. So in a way it was nice to know they were getting what they wanted..
things started to get a little challenging when they bought their lover over to our house..
they had said the new lover would be hanging out 'for a bit'. 24 broken (by various comings and goings) hours later I return to the house and they were still rolling around in the communal lounge room.. It didn't feel great to say the least, and I communicated my feelings to them, they thanked me gracefully.
The next time, they checked in really well.. asked if it was ok, asked about time limits etc. It felt really nice and I felt respected etc. they ultimately settled on the new lover leaving after breakfast.. so they did, come midday.. late breakfast I suppose.
So, we'd checked in well, I'd compromised and been ok with them sleeping together in an outside room on the property.
We were about to go away and they spent the next night and day with the new lover somewhere else, and then, the evening before we were to leave, when I just wanted to pack and rest, they send a message announcing they were coming back with their new lover in an hour (in my car, 5 hours after Id expected them to be back so I could start packing etc.)
at this point I simply said "no thanks". I realised I hadnt been saying no enough in life, and sticking by my boundaries. so I did. They were upset, and the meta went home. I offered to drive my lover to the metas house after we were done packing. Ultimately I just let them take my car and do it themselves.. I cuddled my housemate instead..
So fast forward. We're back, lover is leaving on adventures tomorrow. They want to hang out with their new lover. They ask, and say "but you probably wouldn't be into it".
I disagree and say it's fine, just that last time I didn't feel well checked in with. I say I'm cool with them hanging out in one of the spare rooms..
pause.. they ask if they can hang out in the lounge
for context, its winter. the lounge is the only warm place in the house. I dont feel that comfortable hanging around the intense NRE that I no longer feel/ experience at this time. It makes me fairly sad. I also don't want to exile myself to my freezing room
so I'm reluctant. They are sad. crying a little.. we start talking it through, they say they feel strangled and that they can't do what they want to, hint at not wanting to hang out as lovers after they move out. I explain (perhaps shittily) how I feel like because we're not living together long-term I don't necessarily want to co-exist with their Metas..
before we get anywhere, our housemates come in and ask if they are ok.. they say "no", that they want to "break stuff", and head out the door letting out a piercing shriek.
I send a message.. they are out now with meta.. leaving tomorrow.
but I am confused... am I being inconsiderate for setting limits on my lovers interactions with meta's in the house we share for a short while? Or justified in setting boundaries, and being open to them shifting through time?
TLDR;
My lover asked to share my room for a month, and is now shitty that I don't want them hanging out with their metamours in our lounge room, cause I just wanna be able to make a cup of tea without feeling weird/awkward.
I'm fine with them doing whatever they want in an outside room in the house, or anywhere else, infact.
I just set a boundary, and they reacted very badly.
Should I cave in to their upset or stick with my boundary?
Noting that sticking with my boundary may well lead to them not wanting to hang out anymore
**EDIT**
Also noting that the reason they can't hang out at new lover's house is because new lover's partner isn't into it.. so I feel even more confused.. I'm allowing more compromise then the other partner involved
perhaps i can sum it up nicely
so; I've been seeing someone for almost two years. We were explicitly poly from about a week in
Five months in they asked to move into my room for winter, I agreed, having never co-habited before
We lived together there for about a year, and had our challenges with metamours.. mostly that they had a few coming by at different times, and it always made me a bit uncomfortable in the space..
one time a meta "missed their train" and slept on a lounge.. I went to sleep with my lover, awoke and rolled over to an empty bed.. it was a bit of a jolt, but they had gone to sleep with the meta during the night..
anyway, we ultimately realised the tension around metamours wasn't great and moved out, into separate houses. They had a bad run with housing, leaving the first place, finding a sublet for a month, and then finally asking to move in with me again for a month or so while they found somewhere else..
my gut instinct was to say no, but I care about them and wanted to help them, so I said yes instead, reasoning it was only for a little while.
A night or two before they moved in, I ended up getting cuddly with my housemate pretty much by accident. It was loving and warm, but we agreed not to take it any further, partly for community cohesion and partly to protect my lover, who was about to move in.
I told my lover and they were at first a bit overwhelmed, and then soon afterwards very intentionally set out to find a new lover.. they played "35 questions" and were soon coming back with stories of hot sex and general bounds of NRE.
By now we'd hardly had sex all year. We're often cuddling at night, but are both unfulfilled sexually. So in a way it was nice to know they were getting what they wanted..
things started to get a little challenging when they bought their lover over to our house..
they had said the new lover would be hanging out 'for a bit'. 24 broken (by various comings and goings) hours later I return to the house and they were still rolling around in the communal lounge room.. It didn't feel great to say the least, and I communicated my feelings to them, they thanked me gracefully.
The next time, they checked in really well.. asked if it was ok, asked about time limits etc. It felt really nice and I felt respected etc. they ultimately settled on the new lover leaving after breakfast.. so they did, come midday.. late breakfast I suppose.
So, we'd checked in well, I'd compromised and been ok with them sleeping together in an outside room on the property.
We were about to go away and they spent the next night and day with the new lover somewhere else, and then, the evening before we were to leave, when I just wanted to pack and rest, they send a message announcing they were coming back with their new lover in an hour (in my car, 5 hours after Id expected them to be back so I could start packing etc.)
at this point I simply said "no thanks". I realised I hadnt been saying no enough in life, and sticking by my boundaries. so I did. They were upset, and the meta went home. I offered to drive my lover to the metas house after we were done packing. Ultimately I just let them take my car and do it themselves.. I cuddled my housemate instead..
So fast forward. We're back, lover is leaving on adventures tomorrow. They want to hang out with their new lover. They ask, and say "but you probably wouldn't be into it".
I disagree and say it's fine, just that last time I didn't feel well checked in with. I say I'm cool with them hanging out in one of the spare rooms..
pause.. they ask if they can hang out in the lounge
for context, its winter. the lounge is the only warm place in the house. I dont feel that comfortable hanging around the intense NRE that I no longer feel/ experience at this time. It makes me fairly sad. I also don't want to exile myself to my freezing room
so I'm reluctant. They are sad. crying a little.. we start talking it through, they say they feel strangled and that they can't do what they want to, hint at not wanting to hang out as lovers after they move out. I explain (perhaps shittily) how I feel like because we're not living together long-term I don't necessarily want to co-exist with their Metas..
before we get anywhere, our housemates come in and ask if they are ok.. they say "no", that they want to "break stuff", and head out the door letting out a piercing shriek.
I send a message.. they are out now with meta.. leaving tomorrow.
but I am confused... am I being inconsiderate for setting limits on my lovers interactions with meta's in the house we share for a short while? Or justified in setting boundaries, and being open to them shifting through time?
TLDR;
My lover asked to share my room for a month, and is now shitty that I don't want them hanging out with their metamours in our lounge room, cause I just wanna be able to make a cup of tea without feeling weird/awkward.
I'm fine with them doing whatever they want in an outside room in the house, or anywhere else, infact.
I just set a boundary, and they reacted very badly.
Should I cave in to their upset or stick with my boundary?
Noting that sticking with my boundary may well lead to them not wanting to hang out anymore
**EDIT**
Also noting that the reason they can't hang out at new lover's house is because new lover's partner isn't into it.. so I feel even more confused.. I'm allowing more compromise then the other partner involved
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