Boyfriend's Primary Leaving Because of Me

Megan

New member
My boyfriend's primary partner has made it clear she will leave if we stay together. They have been poly for a while but this is the first time he has been in love with another person (me). This is a deal-breaker for her. He plans to tell her that he wants to stay with me, which will most likely result in her leaving him. I need advice on how to support him. I did not enter this wanting him to break up with her -- that was not my goal. And I know that their relationship issues are not entirely related to me, but I am definitely the catalyst. Seeking advice on how to support him through a very hard break up while managing my own guilt about being the catalyst along with my own insecurities as he grieves this relationship. No matter what, I will be with him through anything, but I am worried that if I don't play this correctly that he will grow to resent me as the cause for making a major life decision. We have only been dating a short time while they have been partners for a very long time. Thanks for any advice!
 
There isn't anything you can do. Unfortunately my experience is that your relationship with him is unlikely to weather the storm long term because it is such a major upheaval in his life. The other fairly common possibility is that it means the "primary slot" is free for you. However, that doesn't mean that you will beat the odds I've seen and make it long term.

You see, obviously, he opened a relationship that wasn't able to cope with what he wanted. That says something about him. I mean even now he is sitting in a situation where his partner has put an ultimatum on him because he was somehow meant to date people without loving them much. This doesn't mean he is an evil person but it does denote some naivety at this point.

I wouldn't be worried about him growing to resent you. I would be worried about whether he is swapping her for you (bad idea) or whether he has decided that her need to have him only love her isn't something that works for him and thus he acknowledges their incompatibility (good idea). With the former, if he later finds that "swap" wasn't as beneficial as first imagined as she has plus points that you lack, yes he will be resentful of you.

I wouldn't worry about how to support him. I would be wanting to make sure that he is making this decision for himself and not because he has hedged all his bets on me when we haven't been together long at all. You're already saying that you'll be with him "through anything" which sounds equally naive by the way. So if he starts beating you up in anger and to control you, you gonna stick around batting your eyelashes at him?

Be careful that some guy isn't just viewing you as a replacement woman because he realizes his old one isnt flexible enough. Oh this model has the non-monogamy upgrade, let me trade my old appliance for the new one who does everything the old one does and more!

Honestly, give him space to work out a new normal and then date. Don't even think about trying to step into her role for the next year or two at least. Date other people. Keep it casual with him while he finds independent stability.
 
My boyfriend's primary partner has made it clear she will leave if we stay together. They have been poly for a while but this is the first time he has been in love with another person (me). This is a deal-breaker for her. He plans to tell her that he wants to stay with me, which will most likely result in her leaving him.
What was their agreement? Polyamory as long as no amory was involved?
 
What was their agreement? Polyamory as long as no amory was involved?
Right! Amory means love. It sounds like the wife was open for "sex only" with others, at least for him. I often see a double standard with newbies. It's more fun to "be in love" than to watch your long term partner "fall in love" with another.

BTW, if you and he have only been together a short time, your "love" is actually infatuation. You are in the NRE (new relationship energy) phase. This causes extreme emotions, and usually lots of lustful desire. I'm sure the wife is thrown by her h's NRE. She might be thinking, "Why does this new chick get all of his attention, while I, the tried and true, am being pushed aside?"

You could read the article "Poly hell" to get a handle on their relationship. Maybe have your bf read it too. He might be throwing away something tried and true for the new and shiny. Of course, maybe their marriage had run its course, and he was unconsciously read to move on. It could be either of those, or maybe he really is poly and wanted to love both you and his wife.

 
I wouldn't worry about how to support him. I would be wanting to make sure that he is making this decision for himself and not because he has hedged all his bets on me when we haven't been together long at all. You're already saying that you'll be with him "through anything" which sounds equally naive by the way. So if he starts beating you up in anger and to control you, you gonna stick around batting your eyelashes at him?

I agree with the thrust of this, that everyone will be well served to take a step back and take off our beer goggles to assess the situation. It sounds like you're in a hotbed of big changes, which could have any number of cascading effects on his relationships (including his relationship with you).

Relationships always shift around a bit, sometimes those shifts are dramatic and include dissolving them. Take a deep breath and support this person that you care about, while understanding that your relationship with them may also change. Take honest stock in your expectations of your future with him, and try to have a frank discussion with him about them (and he will hopefully share his expectations). It can be very difficult to be sober about this kind of thing because our tendency is to just tell each other what we want to hear, so keep your "this is new, and we are all in a moment of upheaval" lens engaged.

It speaks well of your intentions that you shared this with us in the way that you did. Introspection about our role in the world around us can be very difficult, and you sound like someone who is trying to keep that muscle well trained - so good for you.
 
I think you could just ask him how you can best be of help during this challenging time. Practical stuff like bring a dinner? Do a load of laundry? Give him space? Sounds like you haven't dated very long. So it's not like you know from already having seen him go through poly break ups before.

I am worried that if I don't play this correctly that he will grow to resent me as the cause for making a major life decision.

You don't think the source of conflict is her unrealistic wanting him to do poly WITHOUT sharing love? Or him agreeing to do that model? (If he agreed to such a weird thing.)

"Polyamory" means "many loves." Adults who engage in polyamorous dating... where is surprise about loving more than one person?
  • If BF decides to be honest and up front with his other partner about how he feels?
  • And she decides that she's gonna dump him if he's actually going to do poly and share love with all his partners and not just her?
  • None of that is your doing or your issue. It would have come up anyway with whatever other partner he grew to love. Some other person would have been the catalyst. Don't take things as your responsibility or charge when it just isn't.
If he is resentful at you like somehow YOU have treated him unfairly in all this? Just by simply existing and agreeing to date him when he presented himself at poly-dateable?

You can call him on it and tell him not to blame shift his stuff on to you. You could even end it with him. You are not obligated to "stay with him through anything" if he starts doing poor behavior at you.

You can be kind to him while he heals from a break up without taking other people's stuff on board for yourself.

Galagirl
 
Boy began going through a divorce process a few months after he and I started dating. I had to take a step back for my own mental/emotional well being because people grieving for serious relationships often don't make good partners. It sounds like you and your partner may be more established than we were though.

I agree with GG. Ask him what he needs. Dinners? Space? Venting (maybe recommend a professional or other friend if that is his primary need so that you aren't put MORE in the middle)? Silent cuddles? Distraction? Then give him what he needs.

Also, I would recommend avoiding increasing your time spent together too much. Filling that "primary space" by default may be tempting and seem helpful, but ultimately it would be a rebound move and putting a band-aid over the actual issue without letting/making him grieve first.
 
Everyone gives good advice above but want to talk about the title for a second:

Boyfriend's Primary Leaving Because of Me​

You are the not at fault unless you are purposely doing things to break up the relationship which you claim you are not. BF and BFP are making decisions in their relationship which you are being used as an excuse for but not the core issue. Based on the post's phrasing, you are being used as an excuse or scapegoat for them to end it finally.

More accurate could be any of the following:
BF Primary does not like the relationship type
BF wants to do polyamory while BF P does not
BF P is asking for a closed relationship
BF P thought it was more casual dating but BF loves both of us the same
Stuck in the middle of BF and BFP hierarchical definitions fight

Taking responsibility for their relationship, even if you are partners with 1 of them in a V, is not a burden to take on. (This is easier said then done when you want the people you care about to be okay but it is good to try to practice)
 
Hello Megan,

There are three main things you need to do to support your boyfriend during his primary breakup. First, you need to lend him a listening ear. Second, you need to lend him a shoulder to cry on. Third, you need to back off and give him space if he needs that. Some people need to grieve alone, or at least they need more space than usual. Don't assume that he needs you around more; instead, ask him. "Would you like me to give you some space right now?" and maybe he'll say, "No, please stay." In which case, you know what to do because he asked you directly. So don't assume anything, just go ahead and ask.

Then there are little things you can do for him, such as bring him some tea and a warm blanket. But do the first three things first. Be a support to him, in as many ways as possible. And take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, and exercise. This is not a breakup that you would have wanted, so you are going to be grieving too. Think of the kinds of things he would want you to do for him, and do those things for yourself. Breakups are hard for everyone involved. Things are just going to be hard for a while. I think as long as he knows that you support him, you will be doing what he most needs. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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