BPD and metamours

1

1234567

Member
I have found a tendency in my relationships to be more heavily filled with individuals and metamours with BPD than average.

While I'm looking at that tendency, and changing it (I am no longer going to end up being a good partner for someone with BPD, so it's kindness to us both for me to avoid it), there is a current metamour situation where factors at least similar to BPD in a metamour are at play: the intense fear of abandonment, inability to know oneself well enough to be able to pre-negotiate in a way that is effective, a desire for control/prominence/primariness despite an agreement of polyamory that leads to vetoing of ridiculously basic things (or at least the attempt to do so, which sometimes works), the equation of feelings with facts (I'm not feeling important/considered/prioritized, and the fact you are caring for me in a way that indicates the opposite doesn't change that)

Because this relationship is important to my partner, it is important to me. On the other hand, as much as it is unfair for my metamour to have such intense and seemingly unchangeable feelings and fears of abandonment, lack of control, loss of a role, lack of worth as she does. it is also unfair that I should be held hostage to those feelings, which happens.

I know that it's my job to figure out what reasonable boundaries are and ask for them and decide what to do if they are not enforced. I'm researching that and on that.

In the meantime, any experience/success stories/advice anyone wants to share?

I'm going to put right out there- BPD is extremely stigmatized, and portrayed horribly in the worst case scenarios in the media. I'm interested in hearing cautionary experiences, yes, but would also like as much as possible to approach this with compassion.
 
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Hi 1234567,

The only BPD story I have is that I myself may have had BPD ... in the past. Not sure about the present, things are a lot better today. Which I guess is the success element. My two poly companions could have kicked me to the curb but they hung in there. Snowbunny turned every stone looking for ways to help me.

My part in this was to recognize that I had a problem and needed help. Even with that, it was hard for me to resist the temptation to blame others. But eventually I improved. Maybe it was (finally) getting to the right medication for me. Maybe it was a combination of things. But things did work out.

If you have any questions for me, I'll be happy to answer.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
MrS has, we think, BPD II. He was untreated (or treated as straight-up depression) for years. His hypo-manic/manic phases are "happy-times" for him and straight-up scary for those of us that love him and live with him (as are his super-depressed/suicidal phases). Like so many BPD II folks, he spends most of his time depressed to some degree.

For me: I have to remind myself that I am NOT responsible for his swings. I didn't cause them, I can't cure them. He can ask for help/assistance, but I can't "fix" him. I can be sensitive to what he is feeling without assuming responsibility for said feelings.

For Dude: I appreciate his willingness to help keep MrS "safe" but it is NOT possible to monitor another adult 24-7. (We discuss this often, actually.) It helps, in my mind, that he is doing this for his (Dude's) own reasons and NOT for me - he loves MrS, on his own, as his BFF and not just a metamour.

MrS is a wonderful person, he really deserves our love and affection. He recognizes (unless he is floridly manic) that his actions affect us - even when he understands on an intellectual level only. He tries - REALLY HARD - to take that into account.

But, you see, for us, this also depends on the BPD person's willingness to take things in hand for themselves. MrS is willing to take his meds (even if he is "happier" feeling manic), he lets himself be willing to be "talked down" from his bad ideas (even if they would be "fun") - because he cares for us and doesn't want us to worry.

I don't know that I could tolerate being in any sort of relationship with someone that you could NEVER negotiate with or have ANY influence on...

In your situation? Don't really know - but I would probably set a "time-limit" like x hours of reassurance every y days that interrupted my time with the "hinge" person. Which sucks for the hinge, but they are the one that has chosen to be in a relationship with the BPD person.
 
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OP, are you interested in people who have experience with bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? BPD could be either, or both.
 
opalescent said:
OP, are you interested in people who have experience with bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? BPD could be either, or both.
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Doh. Thanks for pointing that out opalescent - I read BPD as "Bipolar Depression" as that is what I have experience with and that was what my response was aimed at. I don't have any direct experience with Borderline Personality Disorder.
 
Based on the specific behaviors you mentioned, I'm going to guess you're talking about Borderline.

Though I don't think Lora (my ex-metamour) was Borderline (I think she's more likely diagnosed Dependent Personality Disorder, and currently has an actual diagnoses of PTSD and extreme anxiety disorder), she exhibited a lot of the behaviors that you mentioned. I write about it in my blog both here, and another blog, which there are links to in my blog here, if you're interested.


1234567 said:
I know that it's my job to figure out what reasonable boundaries are and ask for them and decide what to do if they are not enforced.

In the meantime, any experience/success stories/advice anyone wants to share?
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In my experience, the absolute best thing you can do for you is, whatever you decide what will happen if boundaries are crossed is:

1) Communicate it VERY clearly, preferably in writing, will all parties (meta, your hinge and you) in the email. This is so there can be confusion about what the boundary is, and what you will need to do if it is crossed.

2) If the boundary is crossed, go through with what you said you would do. You may want to tack it on to the original email, or at least reference it.

I don't have a success story with a metamour, sadly (I kinda do with my mom. I'll get to that in a sec). I hope you do. BPD can be really hard to treat, because many times, the person having it is in total denial and even if they claim they want help/will get help, they generally don't. But they WILL say that they do (They will say ANYTHING, as you may already know) if they've upset those around them to a critical enough level that those people may be seriously considering ending the relationship with them.

For them, I think it's all about getting as much control as they want, so they can live in a kind of fantasy world built to their own liking. This fantasy world may overlap with actual reality in some places, but in others...it's pure fantasy.

There is a lot more information (and a great support forum) at http://outofthefog.net

Specifically, within the forums, there is a part for people who have decided to make their relationships work with the PD person. They talk about strategizing a lot. There is also another section on chosen relationships, which have a much different flavor than unchosen (like parental/sibling ones) that may be helpful.

I believe my mom is undiagnosed BPD (two of my therapists who met her over the years came to that conclusion after a session or two with her. I did not tell the second one what the first one thought, before therapist #2 met my mom). I can tell you from dealing with her, that she needs to be treated like a dog learning basic discipline in some ways. I don't say that meanly. I say that because that is the level of consistency and tenacity that you need to use with your boundaries. With my mom, if I'm feeling too tired/sick/unable to deal with that, then I don't talk to her for awhile, because if she senses that she can push, she will push.

She will treat me exactly as I allow her to treat me and no better. If she can walk all over me, she will. That is true nearly 100% of the time.

I do have a lot of compassion for her. I know that she is fearful, angry, lonely, suffering. I'm pretty sure that she got therapy on the sly about 10 years ago (she started using therapy speak when talking to me). Based off of the way she changed after therapy, I think she genuinely doesn't understand WHY she's supposed to act certain ways (like respecting the agency of other people, and allowing them to make their own choices), but she has learned that if she wants to have good relationships with people where they don't stop being her friend/stop talking to her for a time, then she HAS to act certain ways.

Which is why I say that the thing that it of utmost importance is to communicate your boundaries clearly and in writing (so there can be no "Oh, I remember it THIS way" or "you never told me that!" later), and go through with them, whatever they are. Be consistent between words and behaviors. It will be your best ally.

Good luck to you on this! It won't be an easy road.

PS: Reading the book "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans may also give you some good insight and strategies for dealing with parts of BPD.
 
I have some experience with both bipolar and borderline people. Like Lizzie, I'm guessing that you're referring to borderline? At any rate, in both cases, if the person isn't actively working on their issues, I find it easier to distance myself.

My first metamour was borderline. That relationship did not end well. I've learned a lot about what I will/will not accept from that relationship. In the end, I chose to walk away. I didn't make ultimatums, I just told my bf I was no longer up for participating. He followed suit, shortly after. I ended up having to block my meta both during and after her relationship with my bf because she'd call/text obsessively all hours of the day/night.

For my family member who exhibits borderline traits (no official diagnosis yet), I do try to reassure her when she's spinning. But, if no amount of logic or reassurance is working and all she wants to do is play 'endless well', then I just don't participate. I didn't inform her of this boundary, I just simply did it. Usually, I'll say something like "I'm sorry you're dealing with this but I'm confident you'll figure it out", then I walk away or end the conversation. If need be, I shut off my phone. I also do this when she or another family member feels compelled to tell me all the things I'm doing wrong in my life and what I should be doing. I attempt to change the subject. If that doesn't work, I clearly state that I don't wish to discuss this further. If that still doesn't work, I end the conversation. It was harder in the beginning...caused lots of pushback from others and some icky feelings on my end. But, the more I practiced it, the easier it got and the better I feel about my relationships. With the family member who has borderline traits, I do have to be very consistent in doing this and, like Lizzie said, distance myself when I'm not mentally/emotionally doing well (to avoid being run over.) As a result, at first, it made our relationship feel much more distant. The more I did it consistently though, the better our relationship became because I no longer felt sucked dry :)
 
I'm really glad to be reading this thread. I have a metamour who's very draining. I'm not sure if BPD is a possibility (they are diagnosed anxiety/depression) but they also have a tendency to worry endlessly about things and no amount of talking really helps (even though they assure me it does). My partner advised me not to engage and it has helped (although at first they thought I disliked them and was worried things had changed between us; I guess technically they have but I didn't feel like a conversation would be productive).

I try to remember I can be compassionate without being responsible for fixing their issues all the time out being a constant source of reassurance. I feel sad that it's resulted in us talking less in general, but it's much better than being anxious all the time about their worries. I feel like it will mean that if we do have a friendship it will be a healthier one. But right now I still feel they push boundaries in small ways a lot and rush into relationship stuff despite a relatively new relationship. But in the end that is my partner's responsibility, not mine. I trust and love him so I will support where I can and raise concerns where I can't.
 
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