Break-up Making Me Question Primary Relationship

S

SensibleHeart

New member
I very recently broke up with a girlfriend. She had been involved with both me and my wife, but the last couple of months it was really just she and I and we had (have) a very intense connection). I'm pretty devastated over it. The fact is that she wasn't really willing to be in a poly relationship - she wanted me all to herself - and so she started treating me poorly and pushing me away. So it I know it had to end. But now I find myself in a very surprising and uncomfortable position: I feel resentful of my wife for being the reason I lost my girlfriend. And that resentment is causing me to question the relationship between my wife and me.

Is this common? Any advice on how to deal with these feelings?
 
I just want to make sure I understand correctly; your shared girlfriend was trying to "cowgirl" you away from your wife, and you are resenting your WIFE?
 
No, she wasn't trying to do that at all. She wanted me to herself, but knew that wasn't an option and that's why she began pushing me away. That's on her, for sure. But to be clear, I know it's not my wife's fault that my girlfriend ultimately didn't want to share me. I'm just feeling a great loss while my wife is happy to see that relationship end so I can't help but feel a bit resentful. I'm not saying it's fair. I'm trying to not feel it because I know it's not.
 
Hi SensibleHeart,

It seems to me that you are going through a grieving process, and that you will have to endure some irrational thoughts until the process is over. Your wife is not sharing your grief and this is perhaps putting you on the defensive. As strange as it sounds, you'll have to be patient with her, more than the other way around. You have to decide that you still want to be with your wife, in spite of the way she is leaving you to grieve alone. Or you have to decide that you don't want to be with her. But don't rush that decision. You want to be able to face the future without regrets.

Sorry you are going through this breakup; that has to be painful.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin. It definitely sucks. What makes it worse is that I can't really talk to my wife about it or even show any signs that I'm sad about it because she feels hurt by it when I do - largely because she's still so hurt by how her relationship with the girlfriend ended. And my friends are all, "well, you guys knew what you were getting into..." so they're no help.

I'm trying to give my wife the time and space she needs. It's just hard because right now I feel like she's rejecting me because I'm hurt over the girlfriend at a point where I really need her to be there for me. But I also understand she really can't be.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

The fact is that (GF) wasn't really willing to be in a poly relationship - she wanted me all to herself.
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So GF was no longer willing to participate in a poly thing.

so she started treating me poorly and pushing me away.
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That's not necessary. It's also disrespectful. It ok to try something and find out it isn't you cup of tea. But one could say something like...

"I tried this out. I thought I could. Turns out I cannot. So I need to bow out. If you are every available again for 1:1 relating, let me know. I just cannot be doing a poly thing."​

.... instead of treating you bad. You do not deserve to be treated poorly.

So it I know it had to end. But now I find myself in a very surprising and uncomfortable position: I feel resentful of my wife for being the reason I lost my girlfriend.
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Your wife existing is not a reason why your GF doesn't want to poly any more. GF just doesn't want to poly any more.

You may have to decide at some point if you prefer to stay with wife, or end it with wife and see if GF is up for a 1:1 thing.
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But I suggest you DO NOT make rash decisions while still reeling from being treated badly and from the recent break up. Mourn and make peace with all that first, THEN decide what to do next.

If you are used to having your wife around to comfort you when things in Life go wrong, I get that you feel a bit lost right now when that comfort isn't "automatically" happening.

Wife is not at full strength right now. She already broke up with GF earlier. That's her ex too and she's still in a mourning process too. So check your expectations of her and of yourself.

What makes it worse is that I can't really talk to my wife about it or even show any signs that I'm sad about it because she feels hurt by it when I do - largely because she's still so hurt by how her relationship with the girlfriend ended.
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You can tell her you feel sad. What's stopping you?

Just don't TMI the details. Something like "Hey, I feel sad today. I could use a hug. Could you be willing to give me one? "

It's just hard because right now I feel like she's rejecting me because I'm hurt over the girlfriend at a point where I really need her to be there for me. But I also understand she really can't be.
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Have you asked her straight up?

"I feel X. I need Y. Could you be willing to do that? Or something similar? I know you are hurting also. Is there anything I could be doing for you? I think we need to be extra kind to each other right now."

You can see your wife is not in her best shape after a break up. So if you have to spell it out... spell it out. ASK for what you need from her. Remind her to do same -- that you are also around for her. Neither of you can be mind readers.

Don't become "hurting hermits" that turn away from each other in favor of cuddling with the hurt.

It's ok not to want to express to much of it to each other because you dated the same GF. (Maybe in future you decide NOT to "share" GFs because it leads to this weird place for you guys should things go wrong. )

But DO find ways to express the hurt so you feel better. Maybe talk more here, talk to a real life friend, seek a counselor, a poly meetup support group, etc.

I'm sorry it is so fresh right now. I hope in time you start to feel better.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Sensible,

Sounds like your friends are playing the "I told you so" game. Not cool. Even if it is a reflection of how monogonormative our society is. It's unkind. It's good that you have this poly forum to turn to, but still.

I hadn't thought about the fact that your wife broke up with the girlfriend too. That complicates things. Did she feel that you weren't "there" for her when they first broke up?

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You're emotional because you're feeling loss and feelings aren't logical or rational. They just are. They're ok to feel. And feelings are valid. What you have control over is your actions. You can say "I am feeling this, and I need some time to process, the appropriate actions until then are..."

I agree not to do something rash and try to process and understand why you're feeling resentful to your wife. Is it because she's around? Sometimes we take out our emotions and stress on those who love us because there is a deeper feeling of safety that they will still be there for us. Just be careful because she doesn't deserve to be treated poorly just because you were.

I do hope you feel better soon!
 
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Things are getting a little better and easier every day. I'm definitely not leaving my wife. I know we're going to come out stronger as a result of this even if it takes time and is difficult. The fact is that we love each other very much and we're both just very hurt by this break up, but in different ways and that makes it hard for us to be there for each other. Getting support from you all here has made a big difference for me.

A long talk on Tuesday night revealed that my wife is still feeling a lot more pain about the break up between her and GF than I knew about. She'd been acting like she was over it, but it's still really eating at her - the feeling of rejection by someone that was in love with me (and who I was in love with). Lost in my own pain, I couldn't see it. We've agreed to allow each other to grieve in our own ways and to listen to each other without getting caught up in a vicious cycle of "my pain is worse than yours." That seems to be helping us reconnect.

This experience has tested us, but we'll be ok. At least we learned some valuable lessons. We should've accepted much earlier that GF was not accepting of a poly life. We should've been more cautious about the sacrifices we were willing to make in order to try and convince GF that a poly life with us would be everything she could want. Some of those sacrifices ended up causing resentment later and are part of the struggle we're having now. And we definitely learned that no matter how much we want it, we can't force a relationship into a mold. We wanted this to be a certain thing so bad that we let go of too many agreements and ignored too many warning signs.

I intend to spend more time in here reading and posting. It's nice to have some support from the community. Luckily, my wife and I have also found a local poly-friendly therapist and she's helping too. I'm definitely still crushed over the loss of GF, but I'm confident that my wife and I will be much better soon.
 
Glad to hear that things are improving for you guys. I'm sure you still have a long road ahead, but at least things are looking up.
 
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