I’m not sure if I posted here, but I broke up with Apple at the beginning of the month. (Depressed partner)
It has, on a lot of levels, been really good for me.
Focusing on me, and my relationship with me, has brought me more happiness than anything else has in a long time.
Independence from caretaking and space to just listen to myself is good. Space for my rather odd relationship with my ex husband (Esteban) to flourish is good.
And yet, I go between really thriving and a lot of confusion about what in the world happened.
Things broke down— and it is probably good for me they did- but somehow, I keep getting stuck on “what happened? What caused it?”
I suspect that while the ultimate resolution is going to be “things weren't sustainable” - as well as going through grief, I’m trying to get my bearings so I don’t navigate back into these waters again.
This is what I know:
I grew up with codependent tendencies- lots from familu of Origen dynamics. While I test as not codependent on quizzes, I suspect it is because I eventually act in ways of health, but it is a struggle and process to get there, rather than being reflexive.
I have been taking the recovery patterns listed on Codependents Anonymous on as mantras, and life got exponentially better.
In researching this, I came across the idea of caretaking, and dependency. A description of a caretaker really hit me. It was described sort of like codependency without the passiveness.
And this is how I am parsing things:
4 years ago, Apple and I were both in a codependent relationship with Banana.
I’m not sure it was possible not to be in a relationship with Banana at the time and not be asked to be codependent: Banana actively makes sure her needs come first, and at the time, the codependent-making contract of “I need to have my need and wants taken care of before you are allowed to negotiate for your needs in this relationship” was strong and no -negotiable.
I was tolerant of some of that, but it eventually was our demise as a relationship between Banana and I, leading Apple to break up with me too, not seeing how things could work.
The emotional contract of “Banana has to be okay first” was a huge struggle when Apple and I rekindled our relationship, and my not being okay with it led to both changes in their relating and pauses/transitions/breakups in mine with Apple.
I think they might still have some of that, but the carryover to me got lessen- a lot- and in the process, and because of other dynamics, things shifted.
Whereas Apple was the wage earner and Banana somewhat dependent: Apple worked her way to independence- and a breakdown, self-discovery, and more let Apple as the financially dependent one there.
I think a fight in Apple and my relationship has been I have NOT, as you all pointed out, wanted to be a caregiver, taking on the necessary work alone loginstically and emotionally to keep things going. And yet— we have not successfully figured out how not to do so much of the time and relate. My attempts to negotiate this have been awkward, or brutal feeling at times, I’m sure. However, asking for counseling has been refused. So I’m bumbling best I can.
Where we are now— not really talking. Hoping for friendship- but I need to solidify myself first. I’m still confused about the breakup - in my worst, I Fixate on “did she give up on a relationship with me- by refusing counseling, by not responding to my bids for equality, by not picking up slack when I left it because I could not carry it all anymore one sided, by breaking down and avoiding me rather than taking through my awkward,’rough attempts to negotiate for something different—— OR. did I break up with her, by not being patient enough with the depression and related factors?”
I guess in the end, it really doesn’t matter. I want a relationship of equals. If that is absent, I need to see her working towards that in at least small ways. Instead, it seems that she is struggling with wanting to be taken care of. Which I get and sympathize with— it sounds like first, she never got that as a child, and second, there’s a second adolescence going on for her, and she SHOUKD have extra support in an ideal world—. but it seems when I do, it makes things unsustainable. Or I fear it will. I don’t have the skills to do this, and am unmotivated to put more into the relationship with skill depvelopment, feeling it will just foster more inequality.
What I’ve found lacking in my life is a place to just let the whole story out,’and maybe get some support for “it was okay to let this go”. So that is why o posted. I KNOW it was the right thing to do- or I wouldnmt have been feeling such strong improvement. It’s also a huge shake-up— for both of us— and while I don’t really see an alternative, wonder if there was one. Gently phrased insights into what could have been different or better apps wlcomene. (I’m matull shaky and tender and vulnerable from the changes- but want the protection of growth.)
Ultimately, I think I am respecting my need to not have to carry it all, and allowing myself to grow into a person who doesn’t. And I guess the fallout has to be just that/ fallout.
Self-respect sometimes has a price. But also lots of rewards. And I think I am seeing both. I rue I didn’r Have this self-respect earlier— but given how I grew up, think it was inevitable that it would be a process.
It has, on a lot of levels, been really good for me.
Focusing on me, and my relationship with me, has brought me more happiness than anything else has in a long time.
Independence from caretaking and space to just listen to myself is good. Space for my rather odd relationship with my ex husband (Esteban) to flourish is good.
And yet, I go between really thriving and a lot of confusion about what in the world happened.
Things broke down— and it is probably good for me they did- but somehow, I keep getting stuck on “what happened? What caused it?”
I suspect that while the ultimate resolution is going to be “things weren't sustainable” - as well as going through grief, I’m trying to get my bearings so I don’t navigate back into these waters again.
This is what I know:
I grew up with codependent tendencies- lots from familu of Origen dynamics. While I test as not codependent on quizzes, I suspect it is because I eventually act in ways of health, but it is a struggle and process to get there, rather than being reflexive.
I have been taking the recovery patterns listed on Codependents Anonymous on as mantras, and life got exponentially better.
In researching this, I came across the idea of caretaking, and dependency. A description of a caretaker really hit me. It was described sort of like codependency without the passiveness.
And this is how I am parsing things:
4 years ago, Apple and I were both in a codependent relationship with Banana.
I’m not sure it was possible not to be in a relationship with Banana at the time and not be asked to be codependent: Banana actively makes sure her needs come first, and at the time, the codependent-making contract of “I need to have my need and wants taken care of before you are allowed to negotiate for your needs in this relationship” was strong and no -negotiable.
I was tolerant of some of that, but it eventually was our demise as a relationship between Banana and I, leading Apple to break up with me too, not seeing how things could work.
The emotional contract of “Banana has to be okay first” was a huge struggle when Apple and I rekindled our relationship, and my not being okay with it led to both changes in their relating and pauses/transitions/breakups in mine with Apple.
I think they might still have some of that, but the carryover to me got lessen- a lot- and in the process, and because of other dynamics, things shifted.
Whereas Apple was the wage earner and Banana somewhat dependent: Apple worked her way to independence- and a breakdown, self-discovery, and more let Apple as the financially dependent one there.
I think a fight in Apple and my relationship has been I have NOT, as you all pointed out, wanted to be a caregiver, taking on the necessary work alone loginstically and emotionally to keep things going. And yet— we have not successfully figured out how not to do so much of the time and relate. My attempts to negotiate this have been awkward, or brutal feeling at times, I’m sure. However, asking for counseling has been refused. So I’m bumbling best I can.
Where we are now— not really talking. Hoping for friendship- but I need to solidify myself first. I’m still confused about the breakup - in my worst, I Fixate on “did she give up on a relationship with me- by refusing counseling, by not responding to my bids for equality, by not picking up slack when I left it because I could not carry it all anymore one sided, by breaking down and avoiding me rather than taking through my awkward,’rough attempts to negotiate for something different—— OR. did I break up with her, by not being patient enough with the depression and related factors?”
I guess in the end, it really doesn’t matter. I want a relationship of equals. If that is absent, I need to see her working towards that in at least small ways. Instead, it seems that she is struggling with wanting to be taken care of. Which I get and sympathize with— it sounds like first, she never got that as a child, and second, there’s a second adolescence going on for her, and she SHOUKD have extra support in an ideal world—. but it seems when I do, it makes things unsustainable. Or I fear it will. I don’t have the skills to do this, and am unmotivated to put more into the relationship with skill depvelopment, feeling it will just foster more inequality.
What I’ve found lacking in my life is a place to just let the whole story out,’and maybe get some support for “it was okay to let this go”. So that is why o posted. I KNOW it was the right thing to do- or I wouldnmt have been feeling such strong improvement. It’s also a huge shake-up— for both of us— and while I don’t really see an alternative, wonder if there was one. Gently phrased insights into what could have been different or better apps wlcomene. (I’m matull shaky and tender and vulnerable from the changes- but want the protection of growth.)
Ultimately, I think I am respecting my need to not have to carry it all, and allowing myself to grow into a person who doesn’t. And I guess the fallout has to be just that/ fallout.
Self-respect sometimes has a price. But also lots of rewards. And I think I am seeing both. I rue I didn’r Have this self-respect earlier— but given how I grew up, think it was inevitable that it would be a process.
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