Break up

[1234567]

Someone I’ve dated for about 4 months is deepening another relationship, and while we’re still talking, sounds like part of the fallout is dropping me. There’s still love. Nothing changed. Just- they need time. And I think simplicity.

I’m so glad for them that they are deepening. Compersion and open-handed (rather than reatrictive) love is still in place.

But, oh, does it break my heart that part of the price of them deepening is the loss of what we had with me.

 

[opalescent]

I'm sorry. That's just a bummer.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Perhaps your partner is a serial monogamist in disguise? Now that word about polyamory has "gotten out," it seems as though some people use it as a cover to line up their next monogamous relationship without having to go through singlehood.

 

[PolyNatural]

Someone I’ve dated for about 4 months is deepening another relationship, and while we’re still talking, sounds like part of the fallout is dropping me. There’s still love. Nothing changed. Just- they need time. And I think simplicity. I’m so glad for them that they are deepening. Compersion and open-handed (rather than reatrictive) love is still in place. But, oh, does it break my heart that part of the price of them deepening is the loss of what we had with me.

Well, all I can say is that being poly isn't about dropping one person to have another. That's serial monogamy. So assuming no other factors are in play that would make dumping you understandable, if you're being dropped by someone claiming to be poly, then they obviously just don't get it. Let them go and carry on.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Compersion and open-handed (rather than reatrictive) love is still in place. But, oh, does it break my heart that part of the price of them deepening is the loss of what we had with me.

There are many interpretations of "compersion," but this is not my understanding of the concept. What you're describing is compassion. Appreciating why a parter has decided to transition back to friends (or whatever we want to euphemistically call breaking up) isn't compersion, it's maturity. Compersion is being happy for our romantic/sexual partner at their happiness with another. This distinction is important because as the others have said, dumping one because you've found or are trying to appease another isn't really a poly way to go about it. If I was with a self-proclaimed poly person who did this, I'd assume that he was making more of the metamor's issues than was actually the case in an attempt to let me down easy because he just wasn't into me anymore. Also, if I was with a self-proclaimed poly person who would break up with me solely because of the meta's feelings, I'd be running in the opposite direction anyway. That is not a stable poly partner in many ways.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi 1234567,

Sorry to hear about that breakup, that's a hard thing to have to go through.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[anamikanon]

Sucks, but not much you can do. Be kind to yourself and pamper yourself a bit. Do stuff you like, etc. Celebrate relationships you enjoy. Whatever your equivalent is for "chocolate for down moods".

 

[1234567]

I stand by compersion. I do - or did when I wrote it- feel happy for my partner’s happiness. I know what compersion is- and that was it.

 

[1234567]

Also, my partner seemed to be bimodal when it comes to poly, potentially happy either way. So it was a known risk this would happen, but not a foregone conclusion.

She was trying it out as part of getting back into dating again, and while being loved by and loving two people brought her happiness, having two new relationships in the same timeframe with two different sets of needs was too much. And she was ‘r willing ng to cause stretching pain constantly to either of us- it made her feel like a failure. And that threw her into a really hard emotional space that she did not want to repeat.

We really were different.. We had my meta, the beginning, struggling with poly and would rather be mono person on the one side, and me, the bimodal but currently poly and poly long enough to have lost some of the sympathy for the beginning predicaments that let you tolerate stuff like hierarchy or couple privilege or mistreatment of one partner to create space for the other.

She wasn’t willing to cause pain, and my meta was struggling- and so was I, with having to advocate for being treated like an absent partner when I was an absent partner, not something lower than a friend.

Meta’s preference was no contact at all when they were with eachother, even in three day holiday weekends, the kind you reach out to absent loved ones for, or if there was good reason of the emergency type for a brief text- the temporary split attention being too jarring for her- and expected perfect remembering of schedules so that I didn’t accidentally text asking if my partner was around during time together. (Which only happened once, when I was overwhelmed starting a new job in remembering anything.)

Mine was for mutual grace and support and if that wasn’t possible, there being space to being treated by my girlfriend the same way you would a close friend or relative, not a shameful hidden secret. And our partner’s preferences and needs being the important ones when it came to eachother, not ours. Which the break up did- got her out of the middle.

Thank you all for your words. The sympathy helps. Despite it not being a perfect poly situation, and the risk being known, it still hurts. But there is peace in the “at least my girlfriend isn’t torn anymore” aspect.