Breakups

[New2This3]

I've tried doing a few searches and haven't really come across the kind of advice/help I'm looking for....

Without going into too much detail over my current messy situation (you can read my blog if you'd like to know details), the short version is my husband is loosing (or has lost) the other woman he loves. She was unfaithful to her husband with my husband, and he found out, now he wants to work on their marriage (she still says there a lot of issues they have to work through and she feels like he doesn't get her at all but i think she's going along with it out of guilt who knows)....if they do work on their marriage, he doesn't want her to continue to be friends with us at all. So my husband is devastated at the thought that at the very least, he cant continue his friendship with her.

My specific reason for this post isn't about our relationship or the situation itself, but more about how or what we can do to help our partners through their breakups if and when they happen. This is new territory for me, and I think what confuses me are my own feelings about how to be there for him when he's mourning the relationship while continuing our relationship and family life, etc. because of course, life goes on and I want to help encourage him to mourn the lost but not dwell on it.....because there have been times where he becomes consumed by it and projects anger and cant concentrate and is just in a very dark place within himself that it affects his life and surroundings. I'd like to help him go through this in a healthy way, and it seems challenging since frankly i don't know if I'm doing anything right.... I'm also his love and his wife, so I'm not sure if that causes more conflict within him because this lifestyle is new to him as well, this is the first 'other love' he's had and now he's lost her and he doesn't know how to handle it at all.....

I will add that I have my own opinions on their relationship that I try not to bring up to him because I don't want it to come across as negative or make the mourning/anger worse but I honestly don't think it could have worked out anyways (again, read my blog for details if you want)....but that doesn't mean his feelings for her aren't real or make the lost of her in his life any less painful to deal with....

so...
I guess any kinds of advice on the subject would help.

 

[GalaGirl]

Encourage him to find someone outside the system to talk to in detail and tell his story to. Not you. You were in the poly network -- you are inside the system. And you have your own opinions. Talking to you NOT in deep detail like "I feel sad today" is ok. You can tell him you see he feels sad and validate that. But no deep details. You need your own breaks from all this too.

Do maintain household routines, meals, laundry -- concentrate on "basics" like those. Encourage him to participate in family life. Invite him for a walk. Simple things like that.

But mostly I think it takes the understanding that it will take time. Could anything here help?

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

http://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from New2This3):

"My specific reason for this post isn't about our relationship or the situation itself, but more about how or what we can do to help our partners through their breakups if and when they happen."

Not much. You can make yourself available as a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on, but there's no guarantee your partner/s will want those things from you. They might just need some space.

Sorry to hear your husband isn't coping very well. Perhaps he'd be willing to see a counselor?

Regards,
Kevin T.