Broken Hearted

L

LondonGuy

New member
I'm feeling pretty low right now.

I just came out of my first ever poly relationship about 2 weeks ago, and I'm a bit of a mess. We were together for nearly a year, and it was kind of a rollercoaster of emotions, but I've learnt a lot from it.

When we got together we were both new to being polyamorous and both in long distance relationships with others. We both got a hit of NRE pretty strongly. I think we were also (or at least I was, certainly) going through what I would class as New Identity Energy; I was identifying in a way which suddenly made sense to me and I felt fantastic about it!!

Unfortunately, my LDR broke off a couple of months later due to the practicalities. Her work trip to London was cancelled (she was supposed to be coming for 2 months), I'd also changed companies, so was no longer going to be flying out to Boston every 6 months. We stayed great friends and promised to add on the "with benefits" if ever on the same continent.

My new girlfriend though was quite insecure about a lot of things. I was feeling this huge wave of energy from identifying this way and had such love in my heart. I thought this was a beautiful thing, but when I developed feelings for someone else about 2 months into our relationship she sought to control this through rules and manipulation. Attempting to manage your partner's feelings as a means to suppressing your own issues is a dangerous way to go.

I thought with enough talking, enough listening, enough understanding and enough reassurances, it could work. But letting go of her insecurity was not something she was able to do. Either way, it caused issues and a lack of ability to communicate properly which ran throughout our relationship.

Right now we have to work on ourselves. After the arguments that were caused by this, our mental healths have taken a battering. I still love her. I would happily take her back if one day she could take ownership of her own insecurity, rather than saying, "You're making me feel this way [...]". She's dated others and I haven't felt insecure about it.

I read a great post on here once by GalaGirl which was all about how jealousy stems from fear. Once you identify that and realise you have no fear of losing the other person, then you can suddenly start to be happy for them that they have this new exciting person in their life. I still very much believe in the principles of polyamory, but I am feeling very raw right now.
 
I am sorry you're hurting. A breakup usually does, even when there are good reasons to part. :( I hope you feel better over time.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
Thanks GalaGirl. I must say, I posted a couple of times through my relationship and you and LovingRadiance had the most helpful replies. :) You both rock!

I am trying to remind myself that many of the issues we had in my relationship arise in monogamous relationships too, and the polyamory wasn't at fault. We both struggled with communication as our brains are just wired differently. I think we did get a lot better at this throughout our relationship.

I would happily take her back one day. But there are a few fundamental things which would have to change:

1) We both need to take ownership of our own feelings. None of this saying, "You're making me feel X." It's "I am feeling X." Ownership and responsibility is with the person who is feeling it. The other can (and should) support however they can, but it's not their responsibility.

2) Feelings need to be allowed to be valid. My feelings are my feelings and I will want to share them with my partners. If that feeling is a revelation that I really like someone else, then that is valid. It is my feeling, and frankly, it's a happy feeling, so I'd like her to be happy for me.

3) Attempting to control the other person's feelings through rules and manipulation is not fair and it devalues the validity of those feelings. Attempting to control the other person so as to ease your own insecurities does not address those insecurities and it does devalue feelings.

4) Communication needs to be more balanced with active listening. Specifically, I want to be allowed the chance to fully understand her. That might mean asking lots of questions so I can build a 3D picture. Equally, I'd like to think she could understand my feelings. If she doesn't. and isn't interested in trying to understand them, then they won't feel validated.

5) Negotiation of rules needs to happen in a way which is fair and listens to both people's feelings. It cannot always happen ahead of time, since not every eventuality can be planned for, but where possible this should be aimed for.

6) Rules which apply to the relationship should be mutually agreed upon and fair. Using manipulation to force agreement is not fair.

7) The phrase "We're over" is a valid conclusion to unsuccessful negotiations, but it has no place in the negotiation process. Using that phrase at this time is done so purely as a tool for manipulation.

I would have thought all this was fairly obvious and should apply to monogamous relationships as well as poly ones... But hey ho!! I wouldn't take her back unless she demonstrated she understood each of these and their importance and agreed to it.

This afternoon's been great. I went to the poly picnic in South London and it was nice to see people and remind myself that this can work. I met one lovely poly family, a couple of poly couples, and a couple of poly singletons like myself. It was nice being surrounded by such love and happiness. :)
 
I should have included 8) always assume the best in your partner. They do love you and want this to work, after all.
 
I don't know if this helps you any in your healing process, but there are at least 6 different maturities.

Physical maturity and chronological maturity one gets for "free" simply by reaching another birthday. Those processes are automatic. They unfold at the same rate for everyone. Intellectual maturity, emotional maturity, social maturity, and philosophical maturity one has to work at. so they unfold at different rates for each person.

To me, the stuff you seem to be talking about there is a combo of emotional maturity (feelings) and social maturity (communication, both interpersonal and intrapersonal) not being aligned between you. Ditto conflict resolution. If a partner is going to threaten to bail with, "That's it! We are over!" to turn the conversation "off," just because they don't like doing conflict resolution, that would irk me, too. It doesn't give space to work anything out in. One could lean into conflict, not away.

It's good you are clear on what you want in a partner for basic relating skills.

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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It reads like you learned a lot from this relationship, even as it is still painful for you. And I think your list of 'lessons learned' is pretty broadly applicable. I do have some thoughts about a few points. If you find them useful, that's great.

Re 2): Compersion is nice, but can't be required. I rarely feel compersion. Best I can do is a general wanting my partners to be happy. Other folks seem to feel it at the drop of a hat. Both are ok. It's human to want our partners to be happy for and with us when we are joyful and excited. But expecting that will get you into trouble. It's best enjoyed as a spontaneous gift. It is entirely possible to validate the feelings of partners while not sharing that feeling.

Re 4): I think we have similar needs about understanding. I will also ask questions to try and understand. It makes me crazy when I can't understand something or someone. But understanding is also overrated. It is not always possible to understand someone or aspects of a person. There are things I will never get. At a certain point, I can either accept it, inexplicable as it is, and move on, or move out of the relationship entirely. And it is possible, essential maybe, to treat something someone feels as valid, even if understanding is lacking. Understanding is better, I agree. But seeking understanding can be a roadblock to communication when understanding is seen as critical to accepting.
 
I realised upon rereading it that some of these rules can be read in two ways, thus making them unclear as to exactly what I mean. I'll have to re-word them before I ever read them out to her, if I ever feel we're at a point where I could read them out to her. We're taking at least a few months complete break from each other, and I wouldn't consider even chatting until we're both healed.

A friend of mine made a point of saying that at least having these written down was good, because I can then show them to any other potential partners and say, "These are my rules for communication."

@GalaGirl - that post about different types of maturity is excellent. I loved reading it. I know that as much as I've criticised her here, I also need to improve on my emotional and social maturity. Hopefully being able to identify this and work on it can help.

@opalescent - again, I think these are two points I need to brush up the wording on. I don't require compersion, but I don't want my feelings to be treated as wrong because my partner can't handle them. They're mine to handle, not hers.

I also don't mean to say that understanding is necessarily required, but for me a desire to want to understand is.
 
I should also add in one final rule, which is specific to her, and specific to the "if we ever try again"-type scenario.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...rtner-five-step-recovery-plan-answer-yes.html

9) She must accept that I cheated because I felt lonely, like I wasn't allowed to make a decision for myself, like my feelings were being invalidated. She must also accept that the rule against which I cheated was mutually agreed-upon by way of manipulation. She forced it upon me, and was not prepared to negotiate or listen, nor was she able to explain her reasons, or prepared to work on her jealousy. Therefore, the whole thing in this article (which she has referenced) about moving on from it, being prepared to change, and building a new relationship which is stronger, can actually start to come into effect.

10) However, if we were to try again, and she were to continue to use the fact I cheated against me, then it would not work. She needs to recognise we both had a part to play in our relationship breaking down, move on from it, forgive me, forgive herself and learn from it all. Then we could rebuild.

Okay, so that's now 10 steps which would be essential in my mind if we were ever to try again.

I might contact her again in 6 months, +/- a month or two, just to see how she's bearing up and to see whether she's ready to talk.

Personally, I'm actually feeling a lot healthier. I had a good day today. I feel like I'm able to make decisions about what I do as a free agent. I just wish I could have that freedom and her, but it isn't to be at this time.

Either way, I'm not looking to rush into anything with anyone for a while. I like the idea of casual fun with no expectations, no rules, no serious discussions and no worries, at least until my heads clear again. I've signed back up to OKCupid and started chatting to a couple of people on there.
 
LondonGuy said:
She must also accept that the rule against which I cheated was mutually agreed by way of manipulation. She forced it upon me and was not prepared to negotiate or listen, nor was she able to explain her reasons, or prepared to work on her jealousy. Therefore, the whole thing in this article (which she has referenced) about moving on from it, being prepared to change, and building a new relationship which is stronger can actually start to come into effect.
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There are a couple of things about this that you might reconsider.

First, do you think it's wise to set up rules governing what someone "must accept" about how you personally justify your own behavior? People make assessments about their environment based on what they understand about the situation and their personal experiences, not because someone insisted they make a particular assessment. What is it about her perspective regarding your decision to cheat which you are having a negative reaction to? You don't get to tell her what she "must accept," but you do get to figure out what it is about you that is responding in a problematic way.

Second, no one forced you to do anything. Unless your children were held hostage by a kidnapper in South America, or she pointed a gun at your head when you agreed to the terms... you agreed to the terms. Telling someone that they need to accept that they made you make a certain decision is not reality. You decided to accept the terms, plain and simple. If you found the terms to be unacceptable, then you should have made a decision other than the one you voluntarily made.

Taking responsibility for your own decisions will prompt more constructive growth than trying to figure out ways to blame someone else for them.
 
Marcus said:
No one forced you to do anything. Unless your children were held hostage by a kidnapper in South America, or she pointed a gun at your head when you agreed to the terms... you agreed to the terms. Telling someone that they need to accept that they made you make a certain decision is not reality. You decided to accept the terms, plain and simple. If you found the terms to be unacceptable then you should have made a decision other than the one you voluntarily made.

Taking responsibility for your own decisions will prompt more constructive growth than trying to figure out ways to blame someone else for them.
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LOL! Got a giggle out of the South American kidnapper example. Totally agree. Unfortunately, emotional blackmail seems to have an effect that is nearly as powerful, and a lot of people learn to identify it only in hindsight.

So yes, LondonGuy, while using emotional manipulation to evoke agreement is a shitty thing to do, it is up to each of us to recognize and have the strength and sense of responsibility to not be manipulated into agreeing to something we know will not work.

People often agree in hopes that things will improve, that it will buy us time to reach a better agreement on down the line, etc., but that never happens. The person in question has learned that emotional blackmail works and will not hesitate to use it again.
 
bookbug said:
LOL! Got a giggle out of the South American kidnapper example. Totally agree. Unfortunately, emotional blackmail seems to have an effect that is nearly as powerful, and a lot of people learn to identify it only in hindsight.
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People frequently resort to emotionalism to get what they want; I'm pretty sure most of us have done it or at least witnessed it at some point in our life. That being the case I suppose if someone were determined to outsource their ability to make a decision, something as villainous sounding as "emotional blackmail" might do as a scapegoat.

Once the healing process has begun, however, this blame game becomes an even greater enemy of progress. Telling someone "Yes, I was of sound mind and body, no I was not coerced or held at gunpoint... but you still (somehow) forced me to make my decision" is the opposite of working through the grief or pain of the past situation.

That righteous feeling which comes from blaming someone for your decisions is an illusion. So long as you continue to lean on that feeling for security, you'll be denying yourself actual growth.
 
Marcus said:
People frequently resort to emotionalism to get what they want; I'm pretty sure most of us have done it or at least witnessed it at some point in our life. That being the case I suppose if someone were determined to outsource their ability to make a decision, something as villainous sounding as "emotional blackmail" might do as a scapegoat.

Once the healing process has begun, however, this blame game becomes an even greater enemy of progress. Telling someone "Yes, I was of sound mind and body, no I was not coerced or held at gunpoint... but you still (somehow) forced me to make my decision" is the opposite of working through the grief or pain of the past situation.

That righteous feeling which comes from blaming someone for your decisions is an illusion. So long as you continue to lean on that feeling for security, you'll be denying yourself actual growth.
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Totally agreed.
 
Marcus said:
There are two sides to every story, and both of them are generally skewed beyond recognition by personal perspective. The original poster detailed how he saw it and that's what we're discussing.
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It's true that we both contributed to what happened. What you put forward is a very one sided view and completely skews the truth.

First of all you say it was all public? Yet many of my closest friends were coming to me after everything and asking what the hell happened and saying they had only heard her side... Before we had split I had only confided in 2 friends (if you require it I'm happy to tell you who they are, admittedly one of the conversations I had with 1 of those 2 friends took place in front of a third person I only half know)... either way that FORMER friend decided it was therefore her place to spread shit about me and tell my ex that I was telling random strangers how controlling and manipulative she was - WRONG.

I confided in that friend because I was looking for advice on polyamory (she's also poly) and because she had confided in me when she felt the need to lie to her partners and metamours just to fulfill her need to be polyamorous. With hindsight though I can see just how manipulative she is and I'm in two minds as to whether I should be open and honest with her partners and metamours so that they all know the truth. I've concluded however that doing so would just bring me down to her level and I'm better than that.

Now as for what you allege regarding abuse - you have heard ONE side of what happened and deemed that good enough for you to be judge jury and executioner? Maybe with that in mind I should post up my side publicly? Y'know just so I can actually balance it out? But honestly what would I achieve from that? It would just keep this full fucking circle of drama going - so instead I come on here (away from Fetlife) trying to write one short list of points which I have learnt about myself and our relationship - a short list which I could not consider going back with her unless they were addressed and which serve a great deal of purpose to me for knowing what I need from relationships more generally. The critique from other members here has been most useful.

If you send me your FL ID I will happily send you an account of what happened from my perspective, similarly if anyone else on here feels they need to look into what happened in the interest of balance. I do not wish to post publicly though.
 
Thank you for cleaning it up

And Marcus, I meant to thank you for your kind support
 
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