Broken rules and feeling sexually threatened/inadequate

L

LAsoul88

New member
Hi everyone,

This is my first post here and I'm happy to join this community.

My girlfriend and I recently decided to give being in an open relationship a try. While it was my idea, I haven't made a move outside of our relationship yet. She has had sex with one person on two occasions, and the last time things didn't go well.

We tried to go about this in the most responsible way by laying out clear ground rules all united under the idea that we have complete honesty and transparency with each other (e.g. we can ask each other anything). The first time she had sex with this other man (a coworker of hers) I felt jealousy and the expected feelings that go with it. We talked about it and she did a great job of soothing those feelings. The second time that happened recently, an important rule (ironically something she was very adamant about) was broken. That is that we always use a condom with other people otherwise we don't have sex with them.

She tells me that the first time they had sex, he had some performance and couldn't ejaculate, apparently because they were using a condom. Their sex session lasted for hours (which tops my sessions with her by a mile). It happened again the second time, and she decided that they wouldn't use a condom so he could finish. He didn't pull out and he finished inside of her and she ended up feeling awful about it.

She was uncommunicative the night it happened, and we talked about everything the next day. This time I felt hurt, betrayed, unimportant, and threatened. She said that she did like the sex because she had never been with someone that had gone that long. I didn't ask for any more particulars because I was already feeling threatened enough. She is unsure why she would ever have not used a condom with him or anyone else (we've never even had sex without a condom).

After things got very emotional and tense for both of us, we did reconcile and I feel generally better. In addition, she has closed her side of the relationship for now (meaning I'm still open to explore) as she feels this experience was too intense for the time being.

I can forgive the broken rule as mistakes happen and I love this girl. We talked about our sex and she made no indication that she's dissatisfied with what we do in the bedroom. She even maintains that sex we have is amazing and intimate. Despite that, I still worry that sex with me will seem "vanilla" or plain in comparison. As this is all still fresh, I may just be feeling especially tender, but it's hard to think about these things without coming back to feeling inadequate and less special.

My questions are these:

-How have you all dealt with rule-breaking before (we never discussed what to do in this situation)?
-Have you felt threatened by the sexual prowess of another partner? We have a rule of not making comparisons, but I'm having a hard time not thinking about their sex and whether I'll measure up. We haven't had sex together since this incident and I'm nervous about when we do again.

Thanks to all who stuck through the long post and have any advice or wisdom to share. I'm all ears here!
 
When Hubby and I opened our marriage, we imposed a "condoms always" rule that was supposed to be one of our three set-in-stone rules. (The other two were "if you fall in love, you have to stop seeing that person" and "No other partners at home"...at this point, the only set-in-stone rule is the no partners at home one; obviously I'm in love with two other people I'm still seeing, and depending on circumstance and partner, the condom rule is now negotiable.)

After Guy and I had been in a committed relationship for a number of months, Hubby said it would be okay if we stopped using condoms as long as Guy could be certain he didn't have any STD risks. But the understanding was that the condom rule still applied with any future partners. (At that time, I was with only Hubby and Guy.)

When I started seeing S2, we used condoms. At one point, because of something he says on his dating site profile, we had a conversation about sexual health, because he believes that fluid bonding should be at least considered after a reasonable amount of time dating someone regularly. But we agreed at that point that it wasn't time for that yet, so I didn't mention the discussion to Hubby. My intention was to bring up the idea with Hubby at a later date, when it did seem more like the right time, and if Hubby didn't agree, I would not have fluid bonded with S2. That's the way we work.

But... a week after S2 and I had that discussion, we were fooling around, kind of wrestling, and...as I put it in my blog, things went into other things. I immediately realized I should stop him, but chose not to because I at least knew there were no STD concerns.

I broke the rule Hubby and I had set. And the moment I got home from that date with S2, I told Hubby about it. Hubby, being the man he is, told me that because I'd been honest and had made sure S2 was clean, he could let it go.

Your girlfriend was honest with you about breaking the rule, and it sounds like she's imposed her own consequence by choosing to close her side of your relationship. If you've already discussed it with her, I would say you don't need to do any more. It's clear to me from your post that she knows she did something inappropriate (by breaking your agreement) and that she regrets it. If and when she chooses to start seeing other people again, you might want to revisit the discussion about protected sex, and at that point, if you and she wanted to establish a protocol for dealing with broken agreements, you could. I would say you don't need to do that now, because she isn't seeing anyone else at the moment.

As for dealing with your feelings of sexual inadequacy compared to her other partner... You realize, I hope, that you are the only one concerned that you don't measure up? I would assume your girlfriend never had a problem with your "sexual prowess" before, and I doubt she would now, especially if she's making an effort not to compare you with other partners. Sex with you is going to bring her something no one else can, at least not at this time: Sex with a committed, loving partner who knows her well enough to know all the right buttons to push.

(And honestly... having sex for hours because of an inability to come while wearing a condom doesn't strike me as prowess; it strikes me as a guy who couldn't come and was determined to do so one way or another. But that may be just me.)
 
I'm sorry you deal in this. :(

Could turn to practicalities first, and then sort the feelings.

1) Get your STD tests.

2) Use condoms with her from this point on til labs return and you are all clear. Then you can decide to keep condoms with her or return to fluid bonding with her at THAT point in time.

3) Maybe as a result of this first "opening" being so wonky, you both Close for a bit. To sit back, reflect, plan better before trying another Opening again. You sound like you might have some jealousy work to do with the "competition fear" thing. Maybe these help you guys in your talks:

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
Hi LAsoul88,

Although I haven't had the same experiences you have, I can state a couple of thoughts I have about it. First, when a rule has been broken, I think it is okay to forgive and even trust again as long as the person who broke the rule is truly sorry and doesn't make a pattern of doing it again. Furthermore, in some cases when a rule is broken I take that as a sign that the rules should even be renegotiated. Maybe the condom-only rule you guys have isn't as beneficial for you as you thought it was. Are there other ways you can address the same concerns? require STI testing before sex can happen, for instance?

Re: comparing yourself with her other lover ... is a mind game your mind plays on itself, thinking up the worst possible scenarios and then assuming those scenarios must be reality. It's like KC43 said: The guy didn't last a long time because he's a great lover, he "lasted" a long time because he couldn't finish. You've got to trust your girlfriend when she tells you that sex with you is great and just fine. I think that because every person is a unique individual, that sex with that person won't be like sex with anyone else. Is sex with you vanilla? If it is, who says that's a bad thing? Vanilla is a popular flavor, and for good reason.

I think it's really exemplary of your girlfriend to close her side of the relationship; this gives you and her some time to talk, recover, and regain your balance. Please don't judge her too harshly, people don't always act rational when they're having sex ... and please don't go into panic mode about your own sexual abilities. If you want you can ask her if there's anything she'd like you to do to improve her sex with you. But you might be surprised to hear that she doesn't want you to change a thing. When she wants sex with you, it's you she wants sex with, not somebody else.

Hope you guys are able to work things out!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for these responses!

I know she feels terrible about it and I have no desire to guilt her anymore than she has done to herself. While I'm all for the condom rule, the confusing part of this all was that that rule was something she was particularly adamant about. That's why it was alarming (for both of us) that she broke it. For me, it stung simply because she and I have always used a condom and I was hoping that if she wanted to do it without that it would be with me. Still, I know mistakes happen and she was immediately honest and transparent about the whole experience so I'm really thankful for that. I'm not a grudge-holder and wouldn't want to be.

Comparing my sex to that of another is definitely foolish but it is getting easier to not worry about it. I'm still getting used to the idea that love is not a finite resource and that liking sex with another person doesn't mean she likes it less with me.

Thank you guys so much for your responses. I don't know anyone in my personal life that is poly (outside of my gf) and it is difficult to talk to others about it. I'm taking this all into consideration.
 
I'm just guessing of course, but I think she broke the condom rule because she thought it was the only way the guy she was with could finish. That and as I was saying, people aren't always in their right mind when they're having sex.

I'm glad you turned to Polyamory.com for help because you do need to be able to talk to someone. We are here and happy to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
falis ndrdly

Thanks again for the support.

I will say one great thing that has emerged from this event that we had never discussed is what kind of open relationship we have in particular. I had assumed we both were operating as polysexual but not polyamorous. Until joining this forum, it is a distinction I wasn't even aware of. I know a popular rule for polysexual relationships is to not fall in love with any partners outside of the main relationship. We both agreed that it felt like an unenforceable rule as one can't simply mandate not falling in love and follow through (at least I don't think either of us are built that way). She is interested in beings both polyamorous and polysexual. I've never seen myself as a polyamorous person as I like to invest my emotions into one person, but I'm now wondering what it would be like...

What a confusing but ultimately fascinating path this is!
 
Well keep on studying about it, and studying will help prompt a reflection process within you to help you decide if polyamory is something that would be right for you.
 
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