Broken triangle... I miss her

Mahogany

Mahogany

New member
Hello Everyone,

Its been about a week since I last posted.

Well things have greatly changed between LoveisEvol, Crunchymama, and me. After reading her thread and her post here, I began feeling very guilty about the boundaries Bo and I put into place. I also knew that I was not ready to lift the boundaries, though. :(

So I told Bo that I needed a break from him and Bess (basically the whole situation). Bo was not comfortable with me breaking away from him, so we broke it off with Bess. It was difficult for me to do, but I felt I was causing her more hurt, and that if I severed ties, she could move on and heal. Bo still has contact with her, though. (He does not see her anymore, but they communicate through Facebook.)

Bess and I were Facebook friends, but she deleted me as her friend, so I have no way of interacting with her, other than to call (and I just CAN'T call her). I know I can't accept her as Bo's secondary in this time in my life right now. I do want her in our lives, but not to the extent she was, just friends, no more.

I miss Bess, but I don't feel good about contacting her, not because of hate between us (I believe we can get past that), but because of the fact that she and Bo betrayed and hurt me so bad. (I am referring to the affair they had behind my back for 6 months.)

Any thoughts? Maybe there is nothing to do at all, but feel the way I feel and continue to move on.

Maybe we will meet again in this life, or the next.

Have any of you felt this way, or know about this type of situation?

I hope all is well with you guys. :)
 
I'm confused. You had a relationship with Bess that you were working on, and now have decided to not work on it? Has Bo left her, then?
 
Dear sweet Mahogany,

I don't think you should indulge in feeling guilty anymore at all. So, lovingly, I say: stop that! :)

Good for you for standing up for yourself!

Really, you tried your hardest to live with an affair turned into (so-called) poly. But in your previous threads, it became evident that Crunchymama (Bess) was not taking any responsibility for what she and Bo put you through, and it seemed she was a cowgirl. You should be commended for making the effort that you did. Bo cheated on you while you were pregnant with twins (I still can't get over that), and focused his attention on his mistress, Bess. Then she came here trying to paint you as the bad guy.

Do not waste time and energy feeling guilty. Now is the time for you and Bo to repair your marriage. He betrayed you and your trust. It is a good sign that he is willing to let Bess go as a lover in order to stay with you, but what else will he do? Does he expect your relationship to just get better by itself? You have every right to ask for, and perhaps even demand, better treatment from him.

I would suggest therapy/counseling and a clean break from Bess, for the two of you. (Why is he still even staying in touch with her??? It's like he's addicted.) Focus on each other (and the kids, of course), at least until you both have made some progress in healing the wounds he caused.

I know Bo comes here, too, so it would be good to hear his side. But I'd like to know if he has stepped up his game as a father to your babies. You have two infants who need your attention. Dealing with the drama of his affair, and trying to handle it all as a poly relationship surely added to the stress and strain of being a new mommy, along with the normal exhaustion that goes with it.

Personally, I think Bo owes you big time. You were treated quite disrespectfully, and then expected to go along with whatever he wanted in the end, without any consideration for you. He didn't even acknowledged being a new dad when he posted here. What's up with that?? He should be doing all he can to make it right again, and EARN your forgiveness.

You don't owe Bess a thing, in my opinion. She tried to drag you through the mud. She tried to make it seem like she was being victimized by you! Then she stopped posting when people here said she should own up to her part in Bo's betrayal. You have better things to do with your time than worry about her. She certainly never worried about you.
 
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Redpepper, to make a long story as short as I can, I did not decide to quit on her alone. I decided that I needed a break from both of them. Bo decided to let her go. He chose to work to keep me and him together.

I was very down this past weekend. I am very hurt by the lies, the lack of understanding. Somehow this whole thing simply hurt, flat-out felt horrible. After reading her posts, I felt bad about the boundaries, and guilty, because I do NOT want to come between two people who love each other, even if Bo is involved.

The words you wrote-- "This woman thinks she has it all tied up in a bow. She doesn't," in Crunchymama's thread titled, Torn Between My Heart and My Mind, really hit me too. I don't want to misbelieve in one situation, and it be something complete different. I have done that with Bo and Bess cheating behind my back already.

I am not upset about what you typed. I have NO idea what is going on now. I have learned my lesson in trusting/believing in things ONLY seen through his betrayal.

Currently, there is no more Bess and me relationship at all. Bo and Bess talk by phone and FB, and that’s it. I am not caging Bo. He is making his own choices in this matter. But it seems as though he is comfortable with the way things have turned out.

Our future is the unknown, as everyone's is.

Do you think this is a mistake?

I hope I am not offending you. It is so hard to establish rapport with you through typing. Thank you for your questions.
 
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NYCindie, thank you for your words. Bess's posts are the reason I decided to end things. After talking to her the night of her posting on my thread, I felt guilty for the fact that I was hurting her, and that Bo had decided to back off a bit with her. I didn’t want to come between them, even if they treated me the way they did in the past. I thought I would back off myself, and be alone, and let them have each other.

But of course I was hurting. Who won't be hurting in this situation? You are right. Bess did yearn for Bo to leave me and his sons. She admitted it to me, but then downplayed it when I brought it up in my thread as a concern.

She justified it by saying, "I never told him to leave you!" But she didn't have to, because Bo knew she wanted him for herself, and SHE knew it too.

Bo and Bess admitted that she knew everything about me and our situation from the beginning. She was married at the time too, and when her husband found out, she chose my husband over hers, and is now getting a divorce (along with other reasons, I guess).

She even peed on her ex-husbands toothbrush! No matter what someone does, they don't deserve THAT, right?

Maybe they do, who knows? :p

The point is this, shoot, if she did THAT to him, what would she do to me if mad enough?

Bess was pushing Bo to act on something that she thought would result in the end of our family. Bo told me this, and she did too. She is lying if she says different.

If she wasn't, then how did she know that Bo would never leave me for her? Somehow this conversation had to come up, right?

Bess also said that I was emotionally abusing her! Honestly, we have had words twice during this whole event. We BOTH said things. I never called her out of her name, etc. I always simply voiced things that hurt me. It was a structured debate/argument, no fighting, no screaming, no violence.

And now I know why I can't call her...

She is a cowgirl. The proof is in this forum.

Thank you for your support.

XOXO
 
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Hell yeah, honey, you're angry!

I think you have every right to be.

Now just make sure you do something constructive with that anger and ask Bo for what you need. I do believe relationships can heal.

My own marriage is ending because my husband was unwilling to repair it and made up his mind to leave, but I have seen friends whose relationships had deteriorated to such lows you would not believe, and they were still were able to bounce back, forgive, and move on. Even a close friend who was subjected to physical abuse was able to forgive and make it into something better. But it took courage and a willingness to say, "I won't put up with this shit anymore!" as well as her partner admitting where he went wrong and being willing to work together with her on healing the relationship.
 
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NYCindie, yes, Bo and I are talking a lot. I found that he really wants to save our marriage, and that he definitely loves me, despite his actions. I am working hard to rebuild my trust in him, and he is working hard, too. Only time will tell, though. But I think we have reached a point where we can now move forward in love and happiness, with some bumps here and there. :)

Hopefully looks are not deceiving again. :(
 
Broken triangle... and I miss her at times

This intrigues me. What do you miss about her?
 
Good question. I don't know... We really did have some kind of connection. Or maybe it was an unhealthy sense of connection. I was somewhat attracted to Bess, although I won't say that I am bi. She is very knowledgeable and we share a lot of the same interests. She is much like me, so we enjoyed doing things together. We were really compatible. We would have long conversations during our ups.

It is almost like we would have become friends, good friends, if we haven't met under those circumstances. But then I question her a bit because of some of the things she said and choices she made.

But I'm only human, as she is. I have my faults and bad choices, too.

I guess what I miss about her does not outweigh the ill feelings I have. I also worry about Bo. I guess when she was around I felt as though I had no worries, because he had what he wanted. Now, I wonder... Maybe I am just crazy, and stupid for it, because it doesn't make sense, especially when I think deeper about it.

What are your thoughts?
 
*hugs*

Sorry to hear this. We broke up with more than one within the past year. Oddly enough, every time there is a problem, I look around, and the remaining constant IS ME and MY WIFE! I have figured out that WE are the problem. So we are fixing ourselves. If we only knew what it was that was "wrong" with us. :rolleyes:

Never had an affair, but we feel ya.
 
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