So here lies my question. Is it a realistic goal to try to find another partner who will accept me being poly, while not wanting another partner for themselves? I would love to find a male to settle down with, marry, and raise kids with. Needing sound advice and success stories if they are out there! Thank you in advance for any help!
Well, I have not one, but TWO mono partners. So based on my experience, it can happen. However, I think it is important to be up front with your potential people that you want them to remain mono, if that is in fact what you are seeking. Be prepared for a lot of them to tell you that you are being unfair - if you are allowing yourself to have multiple partners, then why put a restriction on them?
My guys are absolutely allowed to date others, as long as we are all up front about it. For a long while, early on in my relationship with PunkRock, I was REALLY uncertain about him dating. However, I didn't have the same feelings about DarkKnight. When I really took the time to try and figure out why, it really came down to the length of our respective relationships - I knew I could trust DarkKnight to have my best interests in mind, and that I was secure with him. That wasn't the case then, with PunkRock, since our relationship was so new.
I have dated guys who were already married, or already juggling other partners, but the difference was that those guys were not primaries to me, and weren't angling for that sort of position in my life. So I didn't mind them dating. If that makes sense. With PunkRock, right away we knew that we were meant to be together, and I wanted to protect that, and build on it. Now that I feel secure, I am cool with the idea of him dating. That said, he has no desire to do so at the moment.
We also have a standing rule that prior to either of my guys beginning a relationship, I want them to read the book, More Than Two. Since neither of them has finished it, them dating is kinda moot at this point. I bring it up every few months, but they're both kinda, meh. We have a lot going on in our lives right now, so none of us are looking to open at the present time, for sure.
So, I understand that you want a primary of your own, because you feel you will never be more than secondary with your girlfriend. And that is a very normal, real thing to want. However, I don't think it would be entirely beyond the realm of things for your new primary to maybe want a secondary too. Or maybe a second primary. Would you be ok with this? I would caution shutting down the love life of a person that doesn't exist yet, and instead be open to the idea that your new partner may already be a secondary himself - maybe he's searching for a primary relationship too!
Coming from me, I completely understand not wanting your new partner to start new dating experiences when you are trying to launch a primary relationship. I need trust, and that takes a long time for me to grow. But I wouldn't want that person to feel restricted their entire lives, when I myself am not. That's just me personally though.
