Calming Resources for an Irrational Brain

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Dhakian

New member
Hey folks,

Short version: Anybody know of some calming websites/articles to read/rituals for when you feel like crap and like everything's gone wrong?

Long version:
Given current evidence, I'm probably the mono half of a mono/poly relationship. My partner has two other (long-distance) relationships, which they had before we met. Said partner has been incredibly supportive and patient with me, and I've been doing all the usual work and generally have a handle on my jealousy, fear, what-have-you.
Still, sometimes I'm a wreck. I have Mental Health Issues, which sometimes leave me insensible and terrified for hours. When the demons descend, I'm usually calmed down fastest by my partner. (The demons are named "fear of abandonment" and "anxiety.") Great bonding experience, but I'm trying to grow some independence here, both to lighten the load on my partner and for, well, healthy functioning as a self-sustaining unit.
Sometimes I just need to hear that it's going to be ok. That the voices in my head are wrong, or lying. I want to see if I can find resources other than my partner to remind me of those things.
All that is to say: Especially from mono folks, what words do you turn to when your brain won't listen to sense?
 
Hi Dhakian,

I think that this forum is as good a resource for you as any; if you'll continue to post here, people will respond with help and advice, and you can accumulate more and more of that on this thread as time goes on. Let me be the first to assure you that things will turn out fine, not that I can guarantee that, but that your demons are biased constructs and are darkening your view of the future. So it is quite likely that things will turn out better than you think.

Another resource to consider is counseling, it costs money but very often it's just the type of support that you need. A counselor can help you analyze your thought processes and help you build tools for calming the panic you sometimes feel. I can provide links for finding poly-friendly counselors if you're interested.

Finally, Franklin Veaux's Mono/Poly Pages may provide you with some relief when the demons attack. Check those pages out.

I hope this helps some.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Firstly, please get something correct AND have a good long chat with yourself: there is NOTHING "irrational" or "illogical" about what you are feeling, much less ANY need to beat yourself up for it.

Okay? :)

It's common. I've been openly poly for, well, decades, & I still get twinges.

I reached the stage where it's usually just amusing, & I truly enjoy the endorphins... but I also keep the specific partner informed as to my feelings of how this might go sideways considering we DO still live in a culture full of people who'll readily twist "polyness" to suit their personal ends.

At what point did you learn that your partner was nonmonogamous?
 
Wow, my demons have the same names as yours! I wonder if they're relatives...

Seriously, I deal with that constantly. I'm the poly one in my *marriage* (Hubby is monogamous, and seems to deal better with the situation than I do sometimes...), but in my committed relationship, my boyfriend also has other partners. He and Hubby are currently the only partners I have, and it can be really hard for me to know my boyfriend is with someone else, or is getting to know another potential or whatever.

I've been with my boyfriend for about 15-16 months now. I don't know if I can say it's gotten easier; it's more that some of the earlier difficulties are now easy, while other difficulties have arisen.

One thing that sometimes calms me, though it definitely wouldn't work for everyone, is a sort of meditation/visualization that grew out of something my boyfriend said to me shortly after we got together. We started working with it as a way for him to help me through my anxiety, and, since I'm a writer with strengths in imagination and visualization, I've vastly expanded it. It's unique to me and very personal, so I'd rather not share the details. But the purpose is to remind me that I'm safe in my relationships and that I'm not alone, and it definitely has that effect.

Depending on your comfort level in sharing online, forums like this can be a good place to come and say "Hey, I'm feeling crappy, can anyone help?" The blog section on this site is a good place for that.

If you have friends other than your partner, and are able to be open with them about dating someone who's poly, they might also be resources who can say "Okay, are you sure that isn't your demons screwing with you again?"

One important thing to remember is that you *aren't* alone, and you definitely aren't the only one who experiences insecurity and jealousy. It isn't exclusive to mono folk; it isn't exclusive to people who are new to poly; it's something lots of people experience, because we're human.

It's also important to remember that your partner is *choosing* to be patient and supportive with you. They wouldn't do it if they didn't believe you were worth it. (I think I've just given *myself* advice there...)

So try to be kind to yourself about your struggles. The same demons that cause fear and insecurity can sometimes make you believe you're too fucked up for someone to be with, or that everyone other than you can cope just fine, or that you're ruining your partner's life by having a hard time. NONE of those things are true either.
 
Hmmm... I think this request needs clarification.

Firstly, please get something correct AND have a good long chat with yourself: there is NOTHING "irrational" or "illogical" about what you are feeling, much less ANY need to beat yourself up for it.

Okay? :)

It's common. I've been openly poly for, well, decades, & I still get twinges.
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Thank you; it's nice to hear, sometimes. In this case, though, I'm going to argue that it is illogical - and that that's ok, because I understand that. I get the normal twinges, too, and I'm alright at dealing with those; they're pretty easy to talk through. What I'm talking about here though has... less of a direct cause-effect link. Anxiety disorders are a physiological phenomenon, for the most part. There's usually an incident that got the maladaptive pattern started (see, Childhood Nonsense), but after that, a lot of the trouble is biology. Biology follows its own logic, yeah, but it's not one I can talk to.

And I am getting help. I'm in therapy, yes, and may try medication again, but therapy is a slow process. In the meantime, while I get better at managing my behavior loops, I'm still looking for things to distract myself, or cut through the fear with humor, or else calm my ass down for a minute so I can think through the problem.

One thing that sometimes calms me, though it definitely wouldn't work for everyone, is a sort of meditation/visualization that grew out of something my boyfriend said to me shortly after we got together. We started working with it as a way for him to help me through my anxiety, and, since I'm a writer with strengths in imagination and visualization, I've vastly expanded it.
Click to expand...

THAT is an excellent suggestion. I thank you, KC43! I'm working on making symbols and rituals with my partner - things that I can use as surrogates when I can't talk to them directly. Right now, it's a slip of paper with agreements and reassurance written in their handwriting. I like the idea of a visualization, though, for the portability of it. All I need's my brain. The less equipment I need, the better.


At what point did you learn that your partner was nonmonogamous?
Click to expand...

A month or two after we met, back when we were "just" friends. Took a couple repetitions for me to wrap my head around it. This was the... second time I heard of polyamory, and the first time I got any details.
 
Another thing I have, though I did this one on my own, is a ring that is meant to represent my boyfriend. It has a symbol on it that is relevant to something personal about him, that he has shared with me. I bought the ring for myself, but told him I was buying it and why and he okayed it. It helps remind me that he's always with me in heart and spirit even if he's with another partner physically. I don't know if you're a jewelry kind of person, but something like that might help, maybe?
 
I do breath work.

So, breath in for the count of 5, pause, and breath out for the count of 7. I'm not sure what kind of therapy you're in, but I've found cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety helpful. Also, I think jealousy is an easy outlet for anxiety, so just working on calming myself generally helps insecurity go down.
 
My partner made me a beautiful card for one of our anniversaries, which among other things, listed a bunch of things that she found really special about me and our connection. Earlier on in our open relationship, it was my 'go to' object whenever my brain weasels decided to get agitated. It was her words, to me, but available when she wasn't or when I didn't want to ask her for reassurance in person.
 
There are a lot of good suggestions in this thread. Like KC43, I also have a piece of jewelry that reminds me of my partner and I wear it when I specifically want to connect with her in my mind without her being with me physically. And like tenK, I also have a card from my partner where she says a lot of nice things about me. Looking at the card often makes me feel good and secure about myself and our relationship. I also try to meditate when I feel anxious for whatever reason. And one more thing, I sometimes write my feelings down. Just on a notepad, stream of consciousness style. Not meant for reading later, but just for getting the feelings out of my system. When you write them down, they can be harsh, petty, unfair or whatever. Nobody needs to ever see what you wrote. Sometimes it's just difficult to articulate what you feel and writing stuff down as they pop in your head can possibly help with that.
 
My nesting partner and I are both poly, but she suffers from chronic depression/anxiety. She is on a cocktail of meds that help GREATLY. If she runs out or doesnt remember to take her meds, I can see a huge difference.

She still gets anxious sometimes even on meds. What helps her is to hug me, sit or lie down and just hold each other quietly and lovingly. She says it's the best place in the world for her. I love hugs, I'm real touchy feely, so it's nice for me too!

Hugs AND drugs ftw lol
 
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