Came out to husband and need support

Well our last session was very intense, he was very open and emotional.

We had a talk after ward and that was very intense as well.

Another talk last night. I feel like I am starting to have hope that even if things don't work out with us being able to stay together we are still going to love and support each other. And for the first time in my life I feel like I'm with someone who loves me for me instead of what I can do for them.
 
That sounds pretty hopeful to me. Glad he is opening up!
 
polywanna said:
. . . I am starting to have hope that even if things don't work out with us being able to stay together we are still going to love and support each other. And for the first time in my life I feel like I'm with someone who loves me for me instead of what I can do for them.
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This is good news! Glad to read it. Please keep us posted.
 
We have been talking and crying and talking more. Last night we agreed that if this doesn't work out we are going to stay friends. Which I know a lot of people say but this was a very intense and deep conversation.
I've been having a lot of guilt and shame over this that I am working on. It's been really emotionally draining.
Last night he said "I almost think it would be easier for me if I found a girlfriend first. But I don't want to be greedy." I just told him that if he wants to do that I'd be more than happy to support him. We talked some about how to find someone and I told him that we just need to get involved in the poly groups.
I don't know if he will change his mind but I thought he was dead set on remaining mono even if I were poly.
 
I am glad that you see hope in your marriage. Do you think that he is afraid you will find a guy that isn't a CD and leave him? He took a big risk telling you he is a CD. He may think you are seeking a replacement and he sees his world crashing.
Does he cross dress home only? or does he go out dressed? Maybe if you accepted his dressing more, even took it as part of foreplay, he may not be as scared. You said he is straight, could he be bi and holding that back? I have known a few CDs and TGs and many were bi. Men are usually afraid to express that, throw in he likes to dress like a woman and that could scare him into you thinking anything less of him.
 
I don't think he feels that way. I'm as supportive of him as I can be. It's not a sexual thing for him. I know it is for many but that's not why he does it.

If he's bi that's fine. I'm not really concerned with it. I have never seen any signs of it. He and I have spent a lot of tone in gay bars. Maybe he hides it well but I've never seen him even remotely seem attracted to another man.
But if he is I don't care.

There are many advantages to being married to a CD. He has a lot of stereotypically female emotional qualities which I like, but he's also a strong man. Best of both worlds.
 
You are in a unique position, you seem really happy and not frustrated, that is good. It is better to read about how you make this work, not how much drama is in your life. For you being poly are you attracted to women at all?
 
No I'm not attracted to other women, and I'm not really attracted to him as a woman. So it's been a bit of a process.
 
TheWind said:
Is he adverse to sharing you?
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Yeccch, what a phrase. He would not be sharing her. A wife is not her husband's property; therefore she is not his to share. She chooses to share herself, or not. Totally up to her. All he can do is accept that, or not, or consent to a poly arrangement, or not. The idea that a husband "shares" his wife is so archaic and sexist.
 
Well I think people talk about "sharing" their husbands,

I think the more appropriate question would be "how does he feel about you having a love relationship with another man?"

Sharing also implies that people are finite resources that can be divided up.
 
Well, I once had a new lover say to my long term gf, after our second date, "Thanks for letting me borrow Mags." We all kind of giggled. I think he was trying to be polite. She doesn't own me, but he did take me away from her for a time.
 
I asked him the other day if he would set up a poly dating profile because I'm really curious about how I would feel. I just want to know if I'm going to feel jealous or insecure even just seeing that. And I want to know how I'll feel if he starts talking to other women.
He said he would but we haven't had time yet to do it. I feel excited and nervous about it for him.
 
Sounds like you guys are gradually working things out.
 
We went on vacation last week, had a great time. There was one night when we had a long talk about poly and he expressed his concerns. I think he needs to read More Than Two because so much of what he is worried about is covered in there. Things like time management, etc.
He started an account on OK Cupid Friday night and I was surprised by how little I was jealous or worried. I just was kind of excited for him. I know how hard it is for men to meet people so I think it won't be until he actually gets a potential date that it'll be real to me. I am hoping if I do feel jealous I will be able to work through it.
We are also talking about safer sex and birth control, that kind of thing. Again I wish he would just read because it's easier than reinventing the wheel. I'm going to suggest it again and just tell him I'm not pushing it on him but if other people have already been through all this it is easier to read about how they did it and just get their suggestions first. It's not like we have to do exactly what it says in a book.
 
Well More than Two is a great book. I hope he'll read it.
 
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