Can anyone help us?

A

Ashylovey91

New member
Well, I'm married 5.5 years now. We're best friends and love eachother very much still. I also have a bf. We're amazing together and my family, including hubby, love him almost as much as I do. Here's the problem tho.... He's in the US National Guard and according to his Chaplin and his Sgt. he could be charged with adultry and get into a lot of trouble for being in a relationship with me... Even tho hubby is 100% a knowing and willing party to everything...
What are our options here to not let him get into trouble????
*Btw, I am a baptised Mormon and believe in the Universalist religion... Idk if that does anything to help us at all....
 
The (drastic) option would be to get legally divorced while remaining in a relationship with both men, because then it's not legally adultery. I'm not sure that's something you'd consider, but there are other people on this board who have divorced officially to make things better for another partner.
 
The problem is that it is a rule in the UCMJ which the National Guard member signed up to abide by when they signed up to serve. So it doesn't matter what religion anyone is, the determining factor is that he is commiting adultery, even if all parties are willing and all knowing.

Now, does this automatically mean he will be charged. No, it is just possible if the wrong person finds out and has a problem with him. Or if someone wanted to cause some problems. There are plenty of people in the military that do all forms of non-ethical and ethical non-monogamy. They are just typically super quiet about it and do not share that information.

Unfortunately, that rule is not likely to change any time soon in the military, unless of course laws change on a federal level.

The rule is one of their core values about representing the military as upstanding soldier holding moral values, etc.... Basically it is used as an easy way to charge someone with something who is not doing the job in the manner which meets the standards of their superiors but also not technically doing anything else wrong. The military uses it as an easy way to kick someone out or put them in jail. But most of the time if the relationships are kept quite and people aren't public - it's just ignored.

So it is a risk for the service member to be involved. Unless you were not married like Icesong said
 
I'm sorry. The only two ways I can think of is

a) You wait to be together once he leaves the service

b) you get a divorce. Because "dating two people" doesn't go against anything.

c) keep it really quiet and be willing to take the risk -- the dishonorable discharge, forfeit of all pay/pensions whatevers, and maybe jail

Galagirl
 
So I can actually directly contribute here -

Do not fuck around with this. You don't have to end it, but you need to take precautions or plan for what if. My interests SO is in and it is a huge concern. We only once considered pre-pandemic meeting up anywhere near the service but literally would have to had a backstory.

These things are a security risk as foreign field officers target them for blackmail. The US forces do not like this, nor does anything with a security clearance. So don't feel bad, it isn't wrong morally, just a target of exploitation.

Edit: Since you're looking for help, are you looking to be public with him? Where is the risk of being outed coming from? I think not publishing anything online and being discreet is pretty easy to uphold - I have done it for years with this problem.
 
tallbosguy said:
So I can actually directly contribute here -

Do not fuck around with this. You don't have to end it, but you need to take precautions or plan for what if. My interests SO is in and it is a huge concern. We only once considered pre-pandemic meeting up anywhere near the service but literally would have to had a backstory.

These things are a security risk as foreign field officers target them for blackmail. The US forces do not like this, nor does anything with a security clearance. So don't feel bad, it isn't wrong morally, just a target of exploitation.

Edit: Since you're looking for help, are you looking to be public with him? Where is the risk of being outed coming from? I think not publishing anything online and being discreet is pretty easy to uphold - I have done it for years with this problem.
Click to expand...
He was curious about weather we could be public or not and post pix on FB, even just pg, no kissing no pda pix of the two of us chilling like friends, so he asked his Sgt and Chaplin and they finally got back to him 2 months later with all of this info.
 
Hello Ashylovey91,

I guess my vote is to go ahead and keep dating your boyfriend -- but do it on the down-low. And do it as a calculated risk. If someone dislikes your boyfriend and wants to get him in trouble, this is a way they could do it.

By the way, I, too, am (was) a baptized Mormon. I identify as an atheist now.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Ashylovey91 said:
He was curious about weather we could be public or not and post pix on FB, even just pg, no kissing no pda pix of the two of us chilling like friends, so he asked his Sgt and Chaplin and they finally got back to him 2 months later with all of this info.
Click to expand...
I mean, and I mean this in a manner to instill confidence in you - you know the answer. Be civil, be clean, be discrete. You said it yourself here with social media.

As being public off of it - the risk is just too much. I know this hurts but there are reasons which have nothing to do with you at all behind it. Just enjoy the love as you can, and eventually you will be able to one day without fear of reprisal.
 
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