Can anyone out there help me understand?

[Ambivolent]

I am 30/m and living in the uk. I am happily married but something happened to me recently and I could really use some perspective. If you have time I would appreciate your help...

About 7 years ago I was in a relationship with this girl lets call her blue. She was 19 at the time, had an 4yr old boy and 1 yr old girl. We were very close, and i loved those kids as my own. Unfortuately blue also suffered from an undiagnosed personality disorder. She had attempted suicide many times, was into self harm etc. She was also popular, honest, loving, fiercly intelligent, and exceptionally kind, as well as beautiful. When she walked into a room full of people, everyone seemed to notice blue and gravitate towards her.
During one of her bad weeks I suggested she voluntarily go to a mental health ward for a little while to get help (she was resistant to any kind of help).

She agreed and I would visit her. Her mother took the kids while blue was inside for a week or two. Eventually blue came out of hospital, and her mum refused to give the kids back. Started court proceedings etc. Thats when things got really bad. She spiralled into depression, began some serious self harm, the talk of suicide pacts etc increased in frequency.

I couldn't hold down a job because she would have regular crisis' which would require me to attend to her straight away. I had no mental health training, became incredibly anxious and depressed about the situation. Tried to access support but it would never amount to anything...

Then one day I decided I needed to move back to my parents for a while who lived very close by, at least until I had the strength to carry on. I still spoke to her everyday and saw her regularly. Until a day after her birthday communication stopped. I knew instantly. The police wouldnt come with me to break into the house for three days. We had dealings with them before during one or two of her previous episodes. Eventually we went in together and I am very sad to say she had hanged herself. I couldnt fix her. It was over.

The next five years or so were hell. Sufficed to say that since then I have had a real issue with loss. Not fear of missing out, just losing important people i guess. Whenever I fall in love with someone it seems to never really go away. My wife and my ex exponentionally so.

Fast forward to last week. My ex broke off her engagement. and even though I am happily married I longed for her even harder to be in my life as well. I wrote some of this down on reddit and realised for the first time that the loss of blue has changed my perspective on love and relationships completely. It was a genuime breakthrough to me. Someone mentioned the word poly and I started reading. Havent stopped. A door has been opened if you will.

I feel so conflicted about these feeling for my ex. I literally love her and my wife in the same way. My commitment to my wife is completely primary to my actions however I want us all to be a family somehow. The thought of losing either of them makes me feel how i used to when i had lost blue.

I also want them to be happy, the thought of my wife or ex wanting to see other people has never bothered me. I just want them to be happy and fulfilled, I just need them in my life as my primary.

I feel like something has unlocked in brain after I had my little relevation my mind is no longer the same. The more I read about poly the more little relevations about past behaviour I seem to have.

I feel like crap. My world has bottomed out yet again. I am going to talk to my wife about my revelation its the right thing to do. i just dont know how much to say at first. This isnt what she signed up for, hell I dont even know what I want. I just know I need to love them both. And I feel like I will most likely lose them both.

Please, can anyone help me make sense of this?

All the best,
Ambivolence

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. I am also sorry to hear you lost someone to suicide.

hell I dont even know what I want

I mean this kindly ok? I am concerned that you sound discombobulated and might not be thinking clearly.

Your focus at the end of your post is all caught up with realizing you can love multiple people and attempting a poly V with your wife and ex-wife. And I could be wrong here... but I think somehow it is tangled up with survivor guilt. And that is the problem to solve first.

I think you could seek counseling for yourself to get your thoughts in order and you in healthier shape first before you make any changes and before talking to your wife about Poly.

(Undertaking life changing choices like Polyamory) is NOT the solution for (a deep sense of loss from Blue's suicide lasting for YEARS and still coloring your life today.) That loss is called suicide survivor guilt. It's normal after any death to want to cling to loved ones who remain. And after a dramatic death like a hanging even more so. But that doesn't mean trying to intensify your connections by making a poly V happen with your wife and your ex-wife so you can feel secure and no longer fear losing loved ones.

Death is a part of life. Coming to terms with loss is a part of life.

Whenever I fall in love with someone it seems to never really go away.

Cool. So love your people. You won't lose the love you have for them. You know this already.

The thought of losing either of them makes me feel how i used to when i had lost blue.

Your wife is your wife. Your ex is your ex. Neither is lost. You can talk to either at any time. You can love both right now without changing anything. Where is problem? The problem is your thinking fueling unprocessed grief bringing you fresh pain. Then instead of single load grief, you get double load. You could work to break out of this rather than adding more layers.

I just want them to be happy and fulfilled, I just need them in my life as my primary.

It seems you want them in your life as coprimaries to bring you a sense of security when that sense of security needs to come from yourself. You have been shaken to the core since Blue's passing. You don't sound like you dealt with that yet and restabilized.

Wanting them for coprimaries because you are afraid you will lose them like Blue died? That's wonky thinking.

I strongly encourage you to seek a counselor instead to get your thoughts in order and help you process whatever unfinished business you have to process since Blue's death.

Point blank? You got over involved with Blue in inappropriate ways. It affected your own mental health and you ability to hold down a job. You had this idea you could "fix" Blue when you cannot. The only one who could fix Blue was Blue. This was 7 years ago and still lingers for you.

I am not sure of your time line or if your relationship with Blue exacerbated break up with ex wife or if you latched on to new wife right after Blue died or what.

But the idea that a poly V with your wife and ex wife could "fix" whatever leftover Blue stuff? That's inappropriate thinking. Discovering you might have poly inclinations and jumping into a co-primary V with your ex and your current wife is not the bandaid for survivor guilt.

You might think it would make the loss more bearable for you somehow, but I don't see how offering yourself as a broken partner is a great offer for them. They may have zero interest in poly much less in a V with each other and you. That V arrangement may not bring them happiness or fulfillment.

I feel like crap. My world has bottomed out yet again.

I am sorry you feel bad right now.

I think it is all the more reason to seek a counselor. This depression thing sounds like its been around a long time.

I encourage you to work to become healthy in your own right first. Google "survivor guilt" and look up some resources like this one. Make a counseling appointment to process unfinished business and formulate a treatment plan.

Polyamory comes with challenges of its own. I think entering it while messed up is not a good idea. If you are going to talk to your wife about anything at this time? I think you could talk to her about this depression funk and your need to seek treatment for it so you can feel better. That conversation could come first.

Getting yourself healthy could be your first priority.

I wish you healing.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Ambivolent,

GalaGirl is right, poly is fine for later on down the road, but first, right now, you need to get some healing for your fear of loss or abandonment. If you possibly can, see a counselor. A poly-friendly counselor would be great, but see a counselor of some kind.

I'm really sorry about what happened with Blue. It sounds like she was never really happy, maybe suicide was inevitable sooner or later. I am not an expert on these things, you need a professional.

If you'll keep posting here, we'll try to help as much as we can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.