Can I PM someone for advice?

J

JazzyTrazz

New member
I am a woman dating a man who is poly, and I would love to pm someone for advice. I don't think anyone we know might use this forum but I don't want to take any risks.

Sorry if this is weird.
 
You can PM me, if you want. :)
 
Same. I’ve been doing this for a while. :) that said, if you use fake names as most of us do, and perhaps a fake location, unless your situation is VERY unusual and recognizable chances are good even if someone you knew read it, they wouldn’t recognize you.
 
icesong said:
Same. I’ve been doing this for a while. :) that said, if you use fake names as most of us do, and perhaps a fake location, unless your situation is VERY unusual and recognizable chances are good even if someone you knew read it, they wouldn’t recognize you.
Click to expand...

That's true. And each member has their own experiences and opinions, so if you just PM with a couple people, it won't be nearly as helpful.
 
icesong said:
Same. I’ve been doing this for a while. :) that said, if you use fake names as most of us do, and perhaps a fake location, unless your situation is VERY unusual and recognizable chances are good even if someone you knew read it, they wouldn’t recognize you.
Click to expand...
I guess that is true, just pretty vary about it... I'll post what I wrote to Magdlyn, just edited it a little bit.

Thank you for letting me pm you!

This is both my and my boyfriend's first poly relationship. When I met him he had his girlfriend since 6 months back, he told me soon after that he was in love with me so we started seeing each other and we got official earlier this year. I am mono myself but I am doing my best with adapting and reading up on everything, sometimes asking a close friend that is poly for advice. However, my boyfriend is a pretty clueless person, and since I have previously been in an abusive relationship it's a bit of a struggle for me to open up about possible issues (caught up in thinking "am I unfair?" "am I selfish?""Is this actually a big deal or am I overreacting?" "What if he gets angry/sad"). But we are both doing our best in growing and communicating.


I am friends with his girlfriend, both she and I are pretty similar and have a lot in common. He hasn't said anything regarding there being any primary or secondary partner in this. However, I am starting to question it bit by bit. He has been openly commenting on her things on social media with "I love you", but never on mine. He was pretty unsure when we were going out as official (something that was a big deal for me, I was a secret with my ex because he was in a band and thought they would get less fans if they knew he had a girlfriend) because he was very concerned that Alice, the girlfriend, would have to answer a lot of questions regarding the situation and he didn't want to put her in that situation (valid concern, but she didn't mind at all when he finally called her about it so it was not such a big deal as he made it out to be), and a couple of smaller thing that I haven't brought up with him in fear of looking petty.

Today is his birthday, when I called him to congratulate him he was of course in a super good mood, and told me he was on his way to celebrate with Moa and her family. He is free to celebrate with whoever he wants, but the fact that I wasn't even invited to come along hurts A LOT. Again, I am friends with Alice and her parents are really accepting and are apparently fond of me as well... I want to bring up my question about me possibly being secondary tomorrow without he making it clear from the start, but I don't know how to do it at this point. This birthday thing is a pretty huge thing, since it for me proves a lot, but I don't know ho to bring it up without causing any bad emotional connections to his special day. I don't even know how to handle this emotionally.

What should I do? And how do I bring this up in a good way? I don't want to guilt him, even if I feel I deserve an apology, nor hurt his feeling in the process... sorry if all of this is a bit messily written, second language and my head is a bit of a mess right now.
 
Hi JazzyTrazz,

I was just getting caught up on your situation as described in your other thread. If you want to PM me, you are very welcome to do so. The only disadvantage to private messaging is, then you only get advice from one person, you don't get the variety of advice you can get if you post publicly. However, I can sympathize with the fact that you don't want to take any chances. As I said, feel free to PM me if there's a chance I can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It can really help to have multiple perspectives sometimes. It can help reframe things in ways we haven't considered.
 
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