Can polyamory and monogamy work?

[cswolfe9]

I've been with my wife for a total of 12 years and married for 5 of those years. We opened our relationship a few years ago when she came out as bi. I supported her exploring this side of herself, and in the spirit of fairness she offered the same to me.

We both had other relationships for the better part of a year. Near the end, it became too difficult for her. My other partner sensed my wife's discomfort and de-escalated our relationship, and we've been closed off since.

I recently had a conversation with my wife about a person I met organically. I wasn't looking. I brought up opening things back up, but she expressed a great deal of concerns, to the point where she isn't sure she can love this lifestyle. I don't want to force anything, nor do I want to hurt her.

However, I do feel like this is part of who I am.

How do I navigate this situation? I truly don't want to lose my wife as she is so very important to me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello cswolfe9,

There is such a thing as mono/poly relationships, people do make it work. It takes a lot of communication, a willingness to compromise, and a lot of love. The thing you have to figure out is whether your wife is willing to give mono/poly a try. If not, then you may have come up against a hard incompatibility. I hope that's not the case, but you have to be willing to face it if that's what happens. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to let go.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Jeambo]

Basically, yes.

But it needs a lot of mutual understandings and compromises. If you don't compromise with each other, the communication would be ineffective.

After compromises you would live a new life that you never expected before, and so would she. It could be a little bit uncomfortable, because you would lose both the freedom to do whatever you want and the satisfaction of being loved in the way before.

Mono/poly relationship is best handled by experienced participants. If you are both trying mono/poly for the first time you may feel very difficult. The incompatibility will bring torture ('emotional damage').

It' OK to give up because you can still be very close friends and life partners. And after some time (maybe months maybe years), when time healed and the problems are no longer problems for you two anymore, you can get back together as lovers again. It's the most comfortable way to solve in my experience.

But if you are in the US or other W.E.I.R.D. (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic) countries, you'll fine plenty of resources and therapists to help you navigate a mono/poly relationship. Seek professional help whenever it's needed.

Best wishes!

 

[Evie]

Sure, mono-poly relationships are a thing. My husband doesn't see anyone else these days (his choice). Except there's actually a bit of linguistic fallacy in calling it mono-poly since the "mono" person is actually an active participant in making polyamory work. "Legs" of a V shaped relationship are, to my mind, polyamorous as they are being actively supportive of the hinge partner having another partner. They may be disinclined to date themselves, perhaps even beholden to not dating by agreement (one hopes that agreement is fully consensual), but they are still a part of a polyamorous relationship and should not be totally labelled as monogamous. It does such people a disservice to say that they are monogamous given what mononormativity dictates. They are not that. They are fidelitous to one, but supportive of that one having other partners. That's a special skill set that totally monogamous people don't even need.

More importantly, it's skillset that it sounds like your wife tried to build, but failed. She had her one other partner, possibly got the bicuriosity "out of her system" and now that is over will happily live monogamously with you forevermore. It was never about polyamory for her, just about making sure she chose right in being with you, and she is now sure she is and doesn't want to build the skillset to be poly-leg rather than a poly-hinge.

Will she ever get on board with being a poly-leg? Oh buddy, I doubt it. Sorry to rain on your newly burgeoning connection, but then, your wife already did that, didn't she. She said no. She doesn't consent (even if she worded it as softly as she possibly could). Game over. Walk away from the new person. You are in a monogamous relationship now. Do not badger your wife to try polyamory again. That would be unkind. If you can't live with that monogamy, don't. Separation is always an option, even if it is the least desirable one. But even from the little you have posted, it seems like your wife does NOT want to be a poly-leg. And it's from a foundation of prior experience. She knows herself better now.

Yes, it's heartbreaking when that happens, and why so many marriages end up in divorce because one of them met someone new (serial monogamy, the most normal thing these days). Which statistic do you want to be? All choices suck for someone right now. Choose the least suckiest. Amicably. Because if you choose monogamy, it better be amicable just as much as divorce would be, or else the resentment will kill you. Perhaps literally.

 

[LoveBunny]

There's very little incentive for a mono person to stay in a poly-mono r'ship, unless she or he enjoys having a lot of alone time, or has a career/family/hobby/social life that takes up a great deal of bandwidth, or perhaps they genuinely prefer to outsource sex or support for their partner to someone else, for whatever reason.

Otherwise, being the mono-end of a vee is more likely to feel unsatisfying, while the hinge has all the fun and holds all the power.

If your wife was trying to only date other women--that can be tough. I know back when I was trying to be poly and hoping to date bi or lesbian women, I struggled to find them. The bi women just wanted me for threesomes with their men, while the gay women didn't want anything to do with a woman who slept with men. Men, on the other hand, were readily available, at least for sex.

I agree with Evie, that when someone says "I don't want poly," they often mean they do not want to have to experience their partner being with someone else. Your wife already experienced this, and wasn't thriving, and shut it down. What do you suppose has changed between then and now that makes you think you should try again?