Can someone give me some advice?

I

ivy74

New member
Hi everyone. I need advice, as I'm having a big wobble.

So, I've been single for many years, as I couldn't do traditional relationships. They don't seem to work for me. I get bored. So I have avoided them for a long time.

I only started this poly journey about a month ago. I have been lucky enough to meet a wonderful man that is at the start of his poly journey also. He came out of a toxic marriage 2 months ago, but it was over years ago.

Our feelings have been growing fast for each other, which has been scary for the both of us. He likes how it's going, but needs more time before a label can be put on it, which is fine. He has told his friends about me, and has said that I make him happy and accepted, and I feel the same way. So as we are both new to poly, we are guessing our way through all this.

From the start, I've been encouraging him to talk to others, and the same with me. I felt fine about this at the time. For the last few days we have had a few troubles with our communication styles, but have sorted it out.

He has now sorted out a new date, which happens tomorrow, and I'm getting freaked out, cos my green-eyed monster has turned up. I think it's happened cos I don't feel stable yet in this (let's call it for now) relationship. I do think we need time to establish and nurture what is going on with us first, before anything more. But I do believe that it's his body, his mind and his journey.

I'm laying in bed freaking out, when I should be sleeping, as I have work in the morning.

Should I tell him how I'm feeling? Do I tell him before the date or after? Do I tell him at all? Because of the troubles we have had lately, I don't want to stop his journey. I'm not saying I don't want to do this anymore, not at all. It's just now.
 
I don't know if this helps you any. Here's what stuck out to me.


I've been single for many years. I couldn't do traditional relationships, as they don't seem to work for me. I get bored. So I have avoided them for a long time.
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If you've been avoiding relationships for a long time, this isn't just "new person I'm dating" but more like triple load. "Dating again for the first time in a long time" + "poly dating for the first time" + "dating THIS person who is new."

It's ok to take it easy and not invest too heavily at first. Maybe focus more on building your dating skills again?

I only started this poly journey about a month ago. I have been lucky enough to meet a wonderful man that is at the start of his poly journey also. He has come out of a toxic marriage 2 months ago, but it was over years ago.
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Even if the marriage was "over" years ago, he's just 2 mos since the divorce was final. (It IS final, right? And not just separated and still working out paperwork?)

I think in any relationship model, dating newly divorced or widowed people is risky. They aren't totally healed just yet. They are still figuring out their "new normal" and might be wobbly.

He has told his friends about me, and has said that I make him happy and accepted, and I feel the same way. As we are both new to poly, we are guessing our way through all this.
Click to expand...

It might be helpful to remember that SOMEONE has to be the first poly person you date. It doesn't mean it's going to be automatically compatible or last forever. And that's ok. Breaking up is NORMAL in dating. Doesn't meant anyone is a bad person. Just not enough in common to keep going.

I think it's happened cos I don't feel stable yet in this (let's call it for now) relationship. I do think we need time to establish and nurture what is going on with us first, before anything more.
Click to expand...

Could go the other way. It's only been dating a month, not a whole lot invested, so no need to wig out if it's a wash. Break-ups are NORMAL in dating.

To me, y'all are dating. I know some people groove on the "no labels" thing, but I prefer them. "Dating" brings some expectations. Not a lot of them, but still. If one makes a date, I expect them to be punctual, I expect them to be polite, I expect them to split the bill. They can expect those kinds of basics from me. Over time we might keep going and add other expectations, but "no labels" has no expectations and ill-defined boundaries, and honestly, I'm not going to waste my time on that. I think my time and energy are valuable.

Rather than close up and try to stabilize the relationship, you could work instead on stabilizing yourself. You are coming out of a long dating break and trying something new. Some wobble is ok, but if it's keeping you awake at night lots... is there other stuff going on? Maybe anxiety?

Should I tell him how I'm feeling? Do I tell him before the date or after? Do I tell him at all? Because of the troubles we have had lately, I don't want to stop his journey. I'm not saying i don't want to do this anymore, not at all. It's just now.
Click to expand...

What troubles? This early on, when people are trying to be at their best behavior, if there are troubles, it might be easier to cut him loose and move on.

I think you'd be better off investing in a poly counselor, if you can avail yourself.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

You are getting to know yourself as a poly dating person, so some wobble is to be expected. Sounds like this is the first time you'd be checking out his hinge skills too. You are new, don't know what to expect, etc. Maybe you want to read this.

www.multiamory.com

334 - What Makes a Good Hinge Partner — Multiamory

Being a hinge partner can be tough sometimes. This episode focuses on some unique struggles that hinge partners may face, some common pitfalls, and what it takes to be a good hinge partner.
www.multiamory.com www.multiamory.com

Perhaps it helps soothe your nerves to remember that even monogamous people don't jump into "going steady" from the first date. They might play the field a bit, and take some time to get to know people before investing. You don't have to super invest here if you don't want to. Slow your roll.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
GalaGirl said:
I don't know if this helps you any. Here's what stuck out to me.

If you've been avoiding relationships for a long time, this isn't just "new person I'm dating" but more like triple load. "Dating again for the first time in a long time" + "poly dating for the first time" + "dating THIS person who is new."

It's ok to take it easy and not invest too heavily at first. Maybe focus more on building your dating skills again?

Even if the marriage was "over" years ago, he's just 2 mos since the divorce was final. (It IS final, right? And not just separated and still working out paperwork?)

I think in any relationship model, dating newly divorced or widowed people is risky. They aren't totally healed just yet. They are still figuring out their "new normal" and might be wobbly.

It might be helpful to remember that SOMEONE has to be the first poly person you date. It doesn't mean it's going to be automatically compatible or last forever. And that's ok. Breaking up is NORMAL in dating. Doesn't meant anyone is a bad person. Just not enough in common to keep going.

Could go the other way. It's only been a month. Break-ups are NORMAL in dating.

To me, y'all are dating. I know some people groove on the "no labels" thing, but I prefer them. "Dating" brings some expectations. Not a lot of them, but still. If one makes a date, I expect them to be punctual, I expect them to be polite, I expect them to split the bill. They can expect those kinds of basics from me. Over time we might keep going and add other expectations, but "no labels" has no expectations and ill-defined boundaries, and honestly, I'm not going to waste my time on that. I think my time and energy are valuable.

Rather than close up and try to stabilize the relationship, you could work instead on stabilizing yourself. You are coming out of a long dating break and trying something new. Some wobble is ok, but if it's keeping you awake at night lots... is there other stuff going on? Maybe anxiety?

What troubles? This early on, when people are trying to be at their best behavior, if there are troubles, it might be easier to cut him loose and move on.

I think you'd be better off investing in a poly counselor, if you can avail yourself.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

You are getting to know yourself as a poly dating person, so some wobble is to be expected. Sounds like this is the first time you'd be checking out his hinge skills too. You are new, don't know what to expect, etc. Maybe you want to read this.

www.multiamory.com

334 - What Makes a Good Hinge Partner — Multiamory

Being a hinge partner can be tough sometimes. This episode focuses on some unique struggles that hinge partners may face, some common pitfalls, and what it takes to be a good hinge partner.
www.multiamory.com www.multiamory.com

Perhaps it helps soothe your nerves to remember that even monogamous people don't jump into "going steady" from the first date. They might play the field a bit, and take some time to get to know people before investing. You don't have to super invest here if you don't want to. Slow your roll.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for your reply. I was really struggling this morning and last night. I did forget to add that I'm neurospicy, so I'm impulsive, inpatient, intense and bloody funny at times. I'm trying to do better, but it's hard.

Hmmm I sent the message telling him how I felt this morning. He was so kind and understanding and has gone to think on the matter. I don't know where this puts us now.

After reading your reply, it was like a mental reset for me. I had to look at it in a bigger picture. Yes, we have only been seeing each other for a little while, and yes, I think it was unfair to drop the bomb on his lap. So I've told him that.

I don't know where this leaves us now, but what I can take away from this is... oh, who the hell knows at this point? What I do know is I need to find a polyam community. I need people that I can talk to, cos it's a lot to navigate and I don't know what I'm doing.
 
Hello ivy74,

I think I would tell him if I were you, don't tell him in an accusing way, just tell him you want to keep him up to speed on how you're doing. No need for me to mention that, I see that you did tell him, and the conversation went well. In the meantime, Polyamory.com is a good polyamorous community for you. You are very welcome here, and you can post whenever you need help, whether it's for advice, or just a listening ear. If it'll help, I also have a list of jealousy links you can read:
I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Don't tell him in an accusing way. Just tell him you want to keep him up to speed on how you're doing. I see that you did tell him, and the conversation went well. In the meantime, Polyamory.com is a good polyamorous community for you. You are very welcome here, and you can post whenever you need help, whether it's for advice, or just a listening ear. If it'll help, I also have a list of jealousy links you can read:
I hope that helps.
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Thank you so much for the understanding and helping. It's nice to know that I can chat to people about my worries and get a reality check, which does reset my mindset.
Polyam is harder than I thought it would be, but I know that things that are hard are worth the effort.
 
Yes, I believe that polyamory is worth it, even though it can be a lot of work. Hang in there, I believe that polyamory can work for you.
 
Do you feel "in love"? You don't say. To the NRE brain, it doesn't matter much that you've been dating for a month and don't really know each other. It can feel anxious about every bit of attention or lack thereof.
 
Thank you for more info.

You don't have to say, but what kind of ND? Like ADHD, hyper-focus on this guy? Something else? That would certainly add another layer to cope with. But ND people can still date, practice polyamory, etc.

You might have to talk to him about info management, WHAT is "big deal news" you'd like to know, and WHEN to share it.

A lot of first dates don't pan out long term. So... maybe you don't need to know right then, since both of you can date other people? Maybe it becomes "newsworthy" if the potential becomes a regular dating partner? You might also talk about what else is "newsworthy" and what is just too much data. You might want to know about big deal things that happen to him -- new regular partner, a break up, changes in risk profile, a death in the family, a wedding in the family, a child being born, getting fired, a new job, moving in with someone, etc. But you might not want to hear "smaller" news.

Otherwise, having to deal with getting all cranked up at EVERY first date or EVERY little thing is gonna be a lot of stimulus for you, which may lead to a lot of stress.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
ADHD hyper-focus on this guy would certainly add another layer to cope with. But ND people can still date, practice polyamory, etc.

You might have to talk to him about info management. WHAT is "big deal news" you'd like to know, and WHEN to share it. Maybe it becomes "newsworthy" if the potential becomes a regular dating partner. You might also talk about what else is "newsworthy" and what is just too much data. You might want to know about big deal things that happen to him -- new regular partner, a break up, changes in risk profile, a death in the family, a wedding in the family, a child being born, getting fired, a new job, moving in with someone, etc. But you might not want to hear "smaller" news. Otherwise, having to deal with getting all cranked up at EVERY first date or EVERY little thing is gonna be a lot of stimulus for you, which may lead to a lot of stress.
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Yes, ADHD. I get hyper-focused on things I get excited about. I'm an artist, and you should see me in an art supply shop. I'm like a kid in a sweet shop. I can't stop talking about things that stimulate me.

We spoke last night, and then he went quiet. I think he was on the date, but I never asked and it didn't really bother me. We have spoken this morning, and again, I didn't ask and he didn't talk about it. I think that works better, tbh. As you said, sometimes it's to much data to process. I need to know my limits and be kind to myself. He knows I'm ADHD. So is he... Interesting pairing, lol But I can be myself for once, without judgement, which is so refreshing.

We do talk about day-to-day stuff. We have become good friends in that way.

I do find it hard to connect with people on my level. I'm finding on the polyam journey, the people I seem to connect with are the neurospicy people.
 
 
Tinwen said:
Do you feel "in love"? You don't say. To the NRE brain, it doesn't matter much that you've been dating for a month and don't really know each other. It can feel anxious about every bit of attention or lack thereof.
Click to expand...
I wouldn't say love, but I would say I'm feeling accepted, seen, beautiful and sexy because of him. Yes, I'm getting feelings for him and it's new and exciting, so NRE is in full force.
 
We spoke last night, and then he went quiet. I think he was on the date, but I never asked, and it didn't really bother me.
Click to expand...

You could let it go this time, but if he's taking calls while out on a date with you, you might not like that. So you could request that he put his phone on mute during dates and let things go to voicemail or whatever, when out with you or others.

We spoke this morning. I didn't ask and he didn't talk about it. I think that works better, tbh.
As you said sometimes it's too much data to process. I need to know my limits and be kind to myself.
Click to expand...

Yes, info management so you don't get overwhelmed. You don't need TMI details.

GG
 
It seems like you are dancing on the razor’s edge between him being your primary or an important person in your life, and on the other side instead someone that will bore you once they latch on. The best is you two seem to be able to talk through things. The more you do, the less significant other relationships will seem. And you may start to gravitate more towards the former instead of the latter.

And to echo someone else, yes, a divorcee can be playing the field, but can also be tremendously genuine after the pain and hardship they went through.
 
So far
GalaGirl said:
You could let it go this time, but if he's taking calls while out on a date with you, you might not like that. So you could request that he put his phone on mute during dates, and let things go to voicemail or whatever, when out with you or others.

Info management so you don't get overwhelmed. You don't need TMI details.
Click to expand...
So far.

We have spoken tonight and it's going great again, and all thanks to this community for the reset of my brain. So thank you.

We have spoken about not needing to know everything because it's too much information for me and how my brain works.

He has never taking a call or text from other dates, so far, and I don't think he would. Only calls and texts I would expect him to take is friends, family and his children.
 
Juan234 said:
It seems like you are dancing on the razor’s edge between him being your primary or an important person in your life, and on the other side instead someone that will bore you once they latch on. The best is you two seem to be able to talk through things. The more you do, the less significant other relationships will seem. And you may start to gravitate more towards the former instead of the latter.

And to echo someone else, yes, a divorcee can be playing the field, but can also be tremendously genuine after the pain and hardship they went through.
Click to expand...
Ok, so, he was in a marriage for 20+ years. His wife, before they got married, knew he was bi. When she got the ring on the finger, she didn't want him to explore that side of himself. She even was threatened to out him to his children and family.

So now he is out of the marriage, he was scared cos of all the stuff she said about him and his sexual orientation. It was hard for him to open up about it. But me being me, I love this for him. He needs to find who he is, and I encourage him in every way I can. It's a beautiful thing to watch him come out of his shell and see that he isn't dirty or wrong. I've been helping him to find out what he does and doesn't like in the bedroom as well.
There is already a trust and a emotional connection, which I haven't felt before, and he has said the same thing.
 
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