Can someone who really wants to be poly, but has had betrayal trauma do this?

W

WolDog

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Can someone who really wants to be poly, but has had betrayal trauma, do this? The title says it all (or most of it).

I have been discussing this with my current partner for many months. We both want to try, but I have two sides to this...

1 - I do want to, along with healthy rational fears

2 - I can get triggered by the thought of my partner with someone else and "fear of abandonment", "trust", "not being good enough" and more creep up.

No one can answer this for me and I am sure most will say "don't do it" or "you are not ready."

I am really curious to know if anyone out there has had success working through their fears and insecurities to make this work.

I am trying everything I can to challenge my thoughts and reframe my fears.

Part of me feels that if I can make this work, it could actually be one of the best tools for healing a lot of my relationship insecurities.

And part of me worries I just cant do this and that makes me feel like I will disappoint my partner.

Thank you to anyone who reads and can offer wisdom.
 
There's a great Polysecure workbook too.

Just Google Polysecure by Jessica Fern.
 
Ariakas said:
Yes.

Read Polysecure. It will help you build the skills and language to define boundaries that make you feel wanted and safe.
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Thank you! I have this book & will start it tonight. I know fears are just thoughts. However, trauma is more than a thought and I am struggling. I am trying to challenge myself along this journey, scared I can't do it.
 
Hello WolDog,

I suggest you get some therapy before you try poly. Look for a poly-friendly therapist. I do think you can be poly, in spite of your betrayal trauma, but why make it harder than it has to be? Do some digging with a professional.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello WolDog,

I suggest you get some therapy before you try poly. Look for a poly-friendly therapist. I do think you can be poly, in spite of your betrayal trauma, but why make it harder than it has to be? Do some digging with a professional.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
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Thank you for this! I am in therapy and will focus more on this matter. I don't want to rush this, I just really want to concur my fears
 
Methinks you're already taking the right steps in preparation for poly. Between therapy and the book (Polysecure), I think you will have the tools you need to make it work. Just, like you said, take it slow. One little step at a time.
 
kdt26417 said:
Methinks you're already taking the right steps in preparation for poly. Between therapy and the book (Polysecure), I think you will have the tools you need to make it work. Just, like you said, take it slow. One little step at a time.
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thank you, I appreciate this
 
My #1 piece of advice with this area of becoming poly: 9/10 the trigger's not the problem.
Ex. if your partner schedules a date with someone else and it triggers you, the problem isn't that they scheduled a date, the problem is your own trauma/insecurity. I found this revelatory because it means I don't need my partner to help me work through it, I can do that on my own. This has become a golden rule for me, to work through insecurity on my own/with my therapist first before bringing it to my partner (if I ever do -- sometimes I work through it alone and don't share it at all, just move on).
I know it's extremely painful getting triggered, but your prediction is true -- you can use polyamory as a healing tool & I can attest it works. It takes work to liberate yourself, but it's so worth it imo.
 
20thcenturyboygirl said:
My #1 piece of advice with this area of becoming poly: 9/10 the trigger's not the problem.
Ex. if your partner schedules a date with someone else and it triggers you, the problem isn't that they scheduled a date, the problem is your own trauma/insecurity. I found this revelatory because it means I don't need my partner to help me work through it, I can do that on my own.
Click to expand...
I would take this a step further. Its also likely that you have an unrecognized need not being met.
 
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