Hi everyone,
I find myself in a difficult situation and would appreciate any clarity or insight that people can provide. My wife and I have been together for 9 years, married for 3. We both have children from previous marriages and have worked hard over the years to make our blended family work.
The past few weekends my wife has been asking me about poly or open relationships and has been making persuasive arguments for it. Then, this last weekend, we were drinking/smoking and one thing led to another where she finally told me she thought she was poly...and that she was seeing and having sex with someone already. At the time I thought it was hot. I was turned on thinking about my partner getting pleasure and being happy.
However, she then proceeds to tell me it is with the same person that was a cause for concern at the beginning of our relationship nine years ago. At that time she was having a rough marriage and this friend/person apparently reminded her of her value and worth.
Anyways, we were on a date and his name came up on her phone. After that I went into a tailspin and was paranoid jealous in a very unhealthy way. We stuck together but it was rocky and over time I came to trust her and moved in with her.
We’ve been doing pretty well, or so I thought, for the last few years but then this. Also, when she told me I took it kind of hard. I was hurt but turned on. During these mood swings she kept asking if I could see it from her position and also if I had done anything similar. I tried to relate and wanted to be honest and I also admitted that I had previously cheated with a masseuse while getting a massage. I freaked out a bit and haven’t had a massage since. I was intent on holding that in because I thought it was/is a mistake.
Anyways, I’ve been feeling unhealthy/sick the last few days. Her fantasy of me being totally on-board from the get go kind of crumpled after she saw my differing reactions. I keep trying to keep the lines of communication open with my wife and it seems like we’re trying to continue to be honest. She says she wants to continue seeing him (I.e. 3 times a month, one of which is an evening) but that I am her main partner. She says that if I want her to stop then she will. That I’m the love of her life and that she doesn’t want to break up her family yet again. My problem is that I feel betrayed/hurt but am also turned on (I had/have a fantasy about sharing her). We’ve talked through a lot and have decided to see a therapist, which we’re trying to get set up. She wants to talk to this other person and let them know what’s going on. Apparently they’re going through a hard time (I.e. multiple deaths in the family, divorce in the last couple years, pandemic, etc). I guess that pretty much brings us up to speed. I feel confused and sad mostly. This doesn’t seem to be affecting her as much as me. She keeps trying to reassure me but her mind is very much on him/his needs. On the flip side we seem to be close and connected and communicating and having great sex right now. Just very confusing and I don’t know if I should let her continue talking to him (she wants to check in and make sure he’s okay) or ask her to stop everything immediately.
Ah - she also mentioned why she started seeing him. She said she was looking out our window and was thinking she had the perfect life. She then saw a post come through from this other person on LinkedIn and she liked it. They started talking and he asked her to come over and chat in person. They had tea and then when she was leaving he starting trying to kiss and grope her. She said she felt sorry for him and left. Apparently it was weeks after and she went back. They were taking and he started fondling her, she asked him to stop a few times and he kept going. It continued from there and she has seen him another couple of times before she finally told me about it. She says she felt powerful, liberated, and is now more connected with me.
So I feel like it’s a question of can I grow to accept this and believe she actually wants a poly life? Can her heart accommodate so much love and it just started out really shitty with an affair and secrecy first or is this something else? She also says her friend is just looking to keep it simple, like a booty call but whenever she talks about him and their conversations it seems like a deeper connection. It’s hard to trust what she says after the fact.
It’s an awkward and confusing position to be in and I still feel like a I got gut punched from finding out about the affair/betrayal. It would have been so much better if she had discussed with me before she started seeing him but she didn’t. Sorry for the long winded recap - just trying to be thorough so insight can be helpful. Thank you in advance.
I find myself in a difficult situation and would appreciate any clarity or insight that people can provide. My wife and I have been together for 9 years, married for 3. We both have children from previous marriages and have worked hard over the years to make our blended family work.
The past few weekends my wife has been asking me about poly or open relationships and has been making persuasive arguments for it. Then, this last weekend, we were drinking/smoking and one thing led to another where she finally told me she thought she was poly...and that she was seeing and having sex with someone already. At the time I thought it was hot. I was turned on thinking about my partner getting pleasure and being happy.
However, she then proceeds to tell me it is with the same person that was a cause for concern at the beginning of our relationship nine years ago. At that time she was having a rough marriage and this friend/person apparently reminded her of her value and worth.
Anyways, we were on a date and his name came up on her phone. After that I went into a tailspin and was paranoid jealous in a very unhealthy way. We stuck together but it was rocky and over time I came to trust her and moved in with her.
We’ve been doing pretty well, or so I thought, for the last few years but then this. Also, when she told me I took it kind of hard. I was hurt but turned on. During these mood swings she kept asking if I could see it from her position and also if I had done anything similar. I tried to relate and wanted to be honest and I also admitted that I had previously cheated with a masseuse while getting a massage. I freaked out a bit and haven’t had a massage since. I was intent on holding that in because I thought it was/is a mistake.
Anyways, I’ve been feeling unhealthy/sick the last few days. Her fantasy of me being totally on-board from the get go kind of crumpled after she saw my differing reactions. I keep trying to keep the lines of communication open with my wife and it seems like we’re trying to continue to be honest. She says she wants to continue seeing him (I.e. 3 times a month, one of which is an evening) but that I am her main partner. She says that if I want her to stop then she will. That I’m the love of her life and that she doesn’t want to break up her family yet again. My problem is that I feel betrayed/hurt but am also turned on (I had/have a fantasy about sharing her). We’ve talked through a lot and have decided to see a therapist, which we’re trying to get set up. She wants to talk to this other person and let them know what’s going on. Apparently they’re going through a hard time (I.e. multiple deaths in the family, divorce in the last couple years, pandemic, etc). I guess that pretty much brings us up to speed. I feel confused and sad mostly. This doesn’t seem to be affecting her as much as me. She keeps trying to reassure me but her mind is very much on him/his needs. On the flip side we seem to be close and connected and communicating and having great sex right now. Just very confusing and I don’t know if I should let her continue talking to him (she wants to check in and make sure he’s okay) or ask her to stop everything immediately.
Ah - she also mentioned why she started seeing him. She said she was looking out our window and was thinking she had the perfect life. She then saw a post come through from this other person on LinkedIn and she liked it. They started talking and he asked her to come over and chat in person. They had tea and then when she was leaving he starting trying to kiss and grope her. She said she felt sorry for him and left. Apparently it was weeks after and she went back. They were taking and he started fondling her, she asked him to stop a few times and he kept going. It continued from there and she has seen him another couple of times before she finally told me about it. She says she felt powerful, liberated, and is now more connected with me.
So I feel like it’s a question of can I grow to accept this and believe she actually wants a poly life? Can her heart accommodate so much love and it just started out really shitty with an affair and secrecy first or is this something else? She also says her friend is just looking to keep it simple, like a booty call but whenever she talks about him and their conversations it seems like a deeper connection. It’s hard to trust what she says after the fact.
It’s an awkward and confusing position to be in and I still feel like a I got gut punched from finding out about the affair/betrayal. It would have been so much better if she had discussed with me before she started seeing him but she didn’t. Sorry for the long winded recap - just trying to be thorough so insight can be helpful. Thank you in advance.