Can you forgive a cowgirl/homewrecker?

Y

yul

New member
Hello,

I have been involved with what some of you may call a cowgirl or a homewrecker. There was nothing sexual, only emails, a couple nights out for drinks and a few phone calls. I didn't know she was a cowgirl and she didn't know I didn't want to stray. My SO was clearly hurt by this, even if there wasn't any sexual contact.

I am still communicating on a very occasional basis with Ms Cowgirl, and believe she wants to play a straight game. I am not talking about being sexually involved, but would like to give her a second chance at friendship.

I cannot blame her 100%, since the situation was very convoluted and not exactly clear on my part. This was my first attempt at reaching out to a second partner, and my SO was caught by surprise and made everybody panic. Can't blame her, either.

My SO is reluctant to have me talk to her again, yet she says she will give it a chance... when she is ready.

Can this be done? I mean, be friends? Thanks.
 
I don't really understand how she was a cowgirl or homewrecker. I assume she expressed sexual interest in you, but your post really doesn't make it clear what happened that would earn her those labels.

Could you please clarify?
 
The reason was she made advances to me and encouraged me to be unfaithful.

She basically thought I wanted to have an affair, which wasn't the case, but we hadn't had enough time to discuss this, since my SO panicked and ordered me to stop communicating. I think she understands better now, but my SO is still pretty messed up.

Is this something that can be forgiven? I am not talking about being romantic, but salvaging a friendship.
 
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That depends in part on whether you are comfortable being friends with the sort of person who has such disregard for others that she would encourage someone to cheat.

This does not speak well of her character. Granted, she may have thought you were up for it, but her willingness to take part in such a relationship shows a lack of empathy for your wife.

Just something to consider. Willingness to screw over a stranger or acquaintance is a bad sign, IMO, and does not foster trust.
 
Adultery is everywhere, and I think she is no better or worse that many of my parents, friends and acquaintances that dream of freedom, but do not know there is a possibility other than cheating. That's why.
 
Well, then, you have your answer. It's between you, her, and your SO now.
 
Would your SO be more comfortable doing group-type activities with this woman, to build the trust that she isn't going to continue trying to "steal" you? Who knows? You may all be able to develop a mutual friendship. At the moment, I think planning on meeting alone is just going to make your SO uncomfortable. At the very least, if you plan on having a friendship with this woman, public events are the way to go.
 
Personally, I would let her go, with an email about how I prefer people to be upfront and honest in my life, and most of all, considerate of people I chose to be friends and lovers with.

But, I might just strike up a conversation about polyamory/ENM, and some of the foundations and lessons I am grateful to have learned along the way. I would give her the benefit of the doubt that, while I have absolutely no respect for cheating and affairs, I am willing to let go and forgive if I understand a person is just simply naive or ill-educated as to their effect on others.

If she were to respond positively, with interest in a different way of behaving and finding partners, then I would forgive her, and work on perhaps doing what Derby suggests. Otherwise, if she seems agitated and unwilling to have patience enough to engage me in how I look at things, then I would say good bye and good luck. Just not worth my time, really.

Meh. At this point in my life, I think I would not bank on any successful friendship coming out of it. Might just chat a bit and see if anything more develops, or if it dies out. She really wouldn't be worth upsetting my partner about it, I don't think.
 
Both my SO and my "friend" are being very patient and cooperative. I think we are on the right track. It will take a long time to iron out, though.

Thanks so much.
 
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One more question: do you have the intention to take things with your friend to another level down the line? The advice I gave earlier I meant with the thought that all you wanted from her was friendship. Putting friend in quotation marks in your last post makes me wonder.

Honestly, if you intend to be in a relationship with her down the line, when your SO is more comfortable, I wouldn't hold my breath. If there has been a breach of trust with this specific person, it might not be the best idea to go there again.
 
No worries. "Friend" meant half-friend, since my SO isn't 100% on board, but trying to give me/her the benefit of the doubt. There is no way I could build a relationship with her, at this point, but I would like to salvage the friendship.
 
Has she actually changed her spots, or has she just become better at hiding them? I.e., does she deserve to be forgiven?
 
So, she wanted a relationship with you, and thought your wife didn't know. But did she actually try to break you two up? Did she encourage you to leave your wife? The way I see it, a cowgirl starts a relationship with the intent to have you for herself. Is that really what she did?

If she wanted a relationship with you, and thought you were trying to cheat (since you were hitting on her while being married), I think I would cut her some slack, provided you told her you were interested and didn't tell her you were poly. Because in that case, it seems to me she didn't realise there was an option to be open about it. In that case, her thinking might have been, "He's obviously going to cheat on his wife either way, and I like him, so I don't want to reject him." It would even be possible that she would have preferred being open about it, but didn't know it was an option.

If, however, she approached you first with advances, it's a tiny bit different. While she might still not have known poly was an option, I believe more people would refrain from hitting on someone they like who is married. I mean, it seems to me that case A (someone you like hits on you, he's married, do you go along or not?) and case B (someone you like is married, do you hit on him or not?) are different. I'm aware of poly, so in case A, I would say "poly or nothing." But if I didn't know about poly, it might be hard to resist. His wife is more his responsibility than mine; he's already made that call (to cheat on her); and I really like him.

I would really need to know the circumstances. Either way, how long has it been? If she really likes you and it hasn't been long, she probably isn't over you, so starting a friendship with the intent of it staying a friendship forever might not be the best idea. It's possible that she's hoping it will turn into more, for instance. If that's the case, you'll have to make sure she fully understand that a relationship isn't an option anymore at this point.
 
Oh, geez, is a friendship with this chick even worth it, for crap's sake? Seems to me you should focus on the relationship with your SO and get it strong and stable before branching out. If the friend or half-friend (whatever the fuck that is!) IS worth it, she'll wait.
 
I agree with Tonberry. You haven't really been clear about what happened in every detail. I also agree with NYCindie. Your relationship with your SO doesn't exactly seem all that stable in itself to be trying to find another relationship, as of yet.

I also don't understand this term "homewrecker." If a relationship is wrecked, it is the fault of whoever is in that relationship. Nobody outside that can harm a strong bond between others.
 
My thoughts are simple. I apologize if I am incorrect in assuming, but I will say it anyway. I'm thinking that the reason you want to continue this friendship is due to the fact that A) you have been friends for a while and really care for the friendship or B) you want to get this person to eventually join you in your relationship with your SO. My bets are on B. If so, I believe you should be honest with both parties and see it through, not manipulate the whole situation. But if you do truly just want to stay friends with this person, that can be done, as long as she understands that it is solely a friendship, with no other ties, and your SO is completely on board with everything (meaning she knows when you two are hanging out and speaking to each other).
 
OP, the questions I'm asking myself about what you've written are these:

1) Are you having an instability or insecurity with your wife that you need to work on first?

2) Are there trust issues between you and your wife, regardless of whether there's another potential partner in the pic?

3) Is the "homewrecker" sensing the insecurities in the marriage (if they exist)?

4) Are you willing to start a dialogue about it, especially about why you want to hold on to a friendship?

There are other questions, but those are the highlights. Basically, they are questions I would probably ask myself if in your shoes.

I have been in your shoes, or, actually, in the "homewrecker" shoes, although that wasn't my intention at the time. I'll leave my story for another day. But basically, what happened was, I realized that it seemed to her like I was trying to homewreck, when actually that was the furthest thing from my thoughts. She was married with kids, and he was gone all the time with work, so there were insecurities there, and I sensed them, but not because I wanted to steal her. I wanted to be with her, and I would have happily met and befriended him, but he was very traditional and the issue was cut and dried.

One day, she just cut me off. Can I really blame her? No. Worst feeling in the world, the idea that I was hurting someone's relationship.

I hope you can get it sorted, whatever the issues are that are going on between you and your spouse, or you and this other woman.
 
In my opinion, if all you wanted was a friendship with this other woman, you wouldn't be looking for advice on a poly site. I suggest you get really honest about what you want, and once you have that sorted out, talk to your SO.
 
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