Captain's Log

I feel peaceful about my situation. When people say they're sorry to hear Arlo and I separated, I don't know what to say, because I'm not. Sad sometimes, sure, but I'm not sorry. I know I should be putting more focus on work and making money and downsizing my living situation, but my focus really is on love and connection. I feel like loving and being loved is my job. I don't even mean just romantic love, I mean friendships and just interacting. I feel like I need to figure out this new way of moving through the world where infinite love might exist. It's taking up a lot of my attention.

Arlo has a long-distance, mostly-unconsummated thing with a woman named Amy. He met her while she was here on vacation. She's looking to buy a home here. He might visit her after the holidays. He hasn't told her he's still intimate with me. That would probably be a dealbreaker for her, so if they move forward, my relationship with Arlo will probably have to change.

I've had two first dates recently with two very different women, and I will have 2nd dates with them both. The first was the woman I complained about in this post: Her name is Tina. I know, I called her the worst date ever. Thing is, after I rejected her, she contacted me, told me how much she had liked me, and asked why I'd rejected her. She tells me I'm wrong about her, and asked me to see her again. I thought that took real balls--I'm so rejection sensitive, I would not dream of asking someone to tell me why they didn't like me. So I said ok. Maybe she has something to teach me about not taking no for an answer. I admit I'm turned on by her forcefulness. Maybe it would be fun to have a woman really dominate me in bed. She's got a pretty face, pretty blonde hair, though she's a bit more buxom than I'm used to, and she's older than any woman--or man-- I've ever been with (seven years older than me.)

The second woman, Jules, was a sweetie I really liked her, and she seems to really, really like me....but I'm not sure if I'm physically attracted. She has a cute smile and nice eyes, but she's not the feline, feminine type I usually fall for. She's got short hair, lots of tattoos, full-figure. Also, she doesn't have much experience with women. In fact, I don't think she's ever gone down on a woman. But I enjoy her company, and she seems like a great person. I feel like I need to be a bit careful with her, and whether we stay friends or become lovers, I really want this to be a positive experience for her.
Disappointment. My third date with Jules, and I just don't think it's going to go anywhere. She's still dealing with chronic pain from her injury, which leads to depression. She's always tired and uncomfortable, spends her day at home with her mother, who also suffers from chronic pain (fibermyalgia) and they smoke weed and watch t.v.. I sympathize with her, I really, really do, but I 'm healthy and active, and I require a certain amount of energy, and I just don't think she's able to be physically passionate, which is very, very important to me. I don't know if I need to say anything to her or just let it be. It is bumming me the heck out, though. I so badly want to have a real relationship with a woman.
Last week I had my fourth (and last) date with Jules:

Jules had told me before that she wanted babies, but on this date, she said she was obsessed with the thought. We had dinner out, then went back to my place. Her phone started blowing up. She says it's her ex coming into town, and she promised him a booty call!! I was pretty insulted-I don't mind if she has a lover, but we're on a date, for crying out loud! Then she says she's only doing it because she's ovulating, she's gone of birth control, and she wants his sperm! And no, she's not telling him what she's up to, because she knows he doesn't want a baby with her.

Needless to say, I was appalled. I told her what she was thinking of doing was a horrible violation of this guy. Then she backtracked and said she wouldn't do it, but admits she'd still maybe kind of like to sleep with him. At that point, I wanted her out of my house without drama, and the guy was still calling nonstop. I told her "You made a promise to him, you need to go deal with him."

Five minutes after leaving, she called me to say she decided not to sleep with her ex, and she's sorry she left our date, because she really wanted to kiss me. I told her I accepted her apology, but I don't want to date her anymore. She's sounded upset, but whatever. She didn't ask for a second chance, so I didn't offer her one.

I'm finding myself completely triggered by this, feeling back to where I was a year and a half ago, after the woman I opened my marriage to be with turned out to be a total narcissist. I don't know that Jules is a narcissist, maybe she just lacks a moral compass, and social skills. But the whole thing has thrown me back into feeling like I'm a magnet for careless treatment, and an idiot for thinking I will ever find a girlfriend who will actually love me.

Meanwhile, Arlo and I continue to grow apart. He says he misses wearing his wedding band, misses living with me, and I confess that I don't want to wear a ring and be perceived as a "wife" anymore. "Wife" assumes I'm heterosexual, and monogamous, and breeding, none of which is accurate. Still, I love my husband, and I asked Arlo if he'd like to spend more time with me, maybe spent 3 or 4 nights a week instead of 2. He said "no thanks," and that stung, though I understand. He wants to find a way to move on.

Arlo has a photo of his long-distance "friend" as his phone's wallpaper. I know I have to do the right thing and let him go if they decide to pursue a relationship. A full time, monogamous woman is what he wants for a wife, and I can't be selfish and stand in his way. It isn't easy for either of us. He had a dream last week where I was possessed and floating over the bed. I had a dream where he was in the house and leaving and I wanted to stop him but something held me to the bed and wouldn't let me call out his name.

Meanwhile, Shane, the guy I was sleeping with for a while last spring, has been asking me out again. A couple of days ago, with nothing to do, feeling lonely and wanting to talk to someone, I agreed to meet up. I thought I'd just have some wine with him, catch up, then go home. I really didn't enjoy our last sexual encounter, plus emotionally, not much existed between us.

Two glasses of wine later, and I'm back at his place, naked in his hot tub. I forgot how good-looking he is, how easy to talk to. I actually spent the night--Shane is the first man I've spent the night with, besides Arlo, in 17 years, and I feel kind of in shock. Shane was actually very sweet, and the tenor of his attention felt different than before. I don't know if it's because he feels I'm "available" now, or if I seemed more open or vulnerable to loving attention, or if it's just because he's moving overseas soon and he knows our relationship has an expiration date, but he was very romantic and affectionate. He wants me to spend the night with him again tonight, but I don't know.

I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now, and confused, and ambivalent about everything.
Topher texted me out of the blue. I'd written him off after he ghosted on me a second time, though I really liked him. I tried not to take it personally. He was going through a divorce, and isn't terribly experienced with poly so I figured he just wasn't ready for me.

I scolded him a little for ghosting, but honestly, when he called, I came running. I spent the night in his apartment (I have now spent the night with 2 men who aren't my husband in 17 years.) I have to confess, this guy just does it for me sexually, plus we have a lot in common. It's great to meet a man who is so environmentally aware, into animal rights, and, though he makes plenty of money and has nice things, isn't into lots of status symbols and tons of material possessions. I don't know what I'll do if he ghosts again, my pride tells me not to let him treat me that way, but a part of me says to just relax and enjoy when he's around who cares if it's only once every two months?

Meanwhile, Arlo changed his mind about wanting to spend more time with me. He says he's lonely and depressed going home to his crappy room every night, and can't save money because he goes out drinking to avoid going home. At least at the house, we've got plenty of cable channels for him to watch, and pets to keep him company if I'm out, and he feels happier. We've agreed we don't want to live together full-time again, but this arrangement might work out well. At least, it will work until he finds a woman to be monogamous with, or I tell him I'm serious about someone else and the jealousy does him in.

Apartment-hunting is depressing as fuck. I have to go to the police station because someone contacted me with an attempted real estate scam. Then, I happened to discover that somehow, Coco, who, two years ago when I was with her, lived in a crappy studio, worked two 12-dollars-an-hour-jobs, and was tens of thousands in debt, has bought herself a two bedroom house. She's renting out one room in my price range, and I nearly contacted her on Craigslist before I saw the same listing on a local's Facebook page with her name on it. Honestly, any time I even see her name on social media, I get an anxiety attack. My body considers her a danger worthy of a flight-or-fight response, how sad is that? I couldn't calm down for the rest of the day. I honestly wonder if I'll ever recover from the brutality of that "love" affair.

I spent Christmas eve with a bunch of friends, will spend today, Christmas, with Arlo. We can't really afford gifts, which is fine, I don't need anything. Honestly, the gross consumerism of this holiday disgusts me, though I do love carols and cookies and certain other things about the season. I don't yet know what I'm doing for New Year's, had a few offers but nothing that's grabbed me yet.
Topher invited me out, we went to a movie. We sat in the back row of the theater, and it's a good thing, because halfway through the movie we had our hands down each other's pants.

I can't believe how much I love being fucked by this man. My orgasms are consistent and intense, and I love how he puts his whole weight on me and gets deep, deep inside every part of me. He completely swallows me whole, puts his hands around my throat, breathes the air from my mouth...and I become fully HIS creature. The only other person who ever made me cum like this was my girlfriend Sonya, and that was 20 years ago.

I really looked forward to spending the night with him, maybe being taken by him in my sleep. He seemed pleased enough to have me stay over, but then, a couple of hours after I'd gone to bed (he stayed up watching t.v.) he stuck his head in and said he was going downtown to give a friend a ride home, and he'd be back in an hour.

He never returned. I left his place at 4:30am, and haven't heard from him since.

I'm disappointed for sure, and a little hurt. I'd begun to think of him as "my lover," and I enjoy spending time with him. Ideally, I'd like someone who is stoked to have me in their bed. Realistically, I know he's just divorced, he knows I'm still very involved with my husband, and maybe he just isn't ready for a woman sleeping in his bed. I'm wondering if I should ask him what was up, or just leave it alone. The truth is, I'm dying for more frequent sex with him, but I also know I might be mistaking intense sex for intense emotions.

Arlo and I had a big fight last week, same old shit, but have since made up. He spent last night with me. I didn't feel like having sex with him (still a bit sore and squishy from my session with Topher.) I'm finding I need to have a bit of space and time between lovers, I don't like going from one person right to another, need a day or two in between to readjust my body and mind.

I'm meeting up tonight with a woman I've been talking to on She's married and a swinger but wants to try one-on-one with a woman. I'm not sure how I feel about being someone's experiment. My first time with a woman was so long ago, and I was such a young thing. But we'll see.
You have a lot going on LoveBunny but it seems to me like you managing quite well. I hope your date with that lady went well. I hope you see Topher again!
You have a lot going on LoveBunny but it seems to me like you managing quite well. I hope your date with that lady went well. I hope you see Topher again!

Thank you so much, @MsJulles! The woman wasn't a love match, I think. She was very nice and not unattractive, but totally not my type. She was a giggly, chirpy little thing, and I need someone with a bit more gravitas and a lot more "edge." I'll probably have drinks again with her sometime, but I didn't feel like I wanted to touch her in any way.

Still no word from Topher. I even texted him wanting a booty call, no response. Guess he's ghosted again. Sigh.
Thank you so much, @MsJulles! The woman wasn't a love match, I think. She was very nice and not unattractive, but totally not my type. She was a giggly, chirpy little thing, and I need someone with a bit more gravitas and a lot more "edge." I'll probably have drinks again with her sometime, but I didn't feel like I wanted to touch her in any way.

Still no word from Topher. I even texted him wanting a booty call, no response. Guess he's ghosted again. Sigh.

Bummer! I know you'd love to fuck him again. It's not easy to find a man who can blow your mind in bed. Dating women is no walk in the park either. I am blessed to have found my wife years ago who had what I wanted physically (she's voluptuous) and mentally. We are impressed at how our hubby can deal with both of us:D. You are exploring your options well and taking advantage of any opportunity that comes you way IMO.
Thanks, MsJulles. It's nice to hear that two bi women (and a man) can have a real relationship. I recently left a facebook group in a huff. It was supposed to be a group for femme bi women in my area. I hoped to find some out-and-proud bi women who had learned to balance relationships with men and women. I expected to find some poly, some swingers, and sure, a few women just looking for threesomes with their men. Instead, I found a bunch of women hiding, sneaking around behind their husbands' backs, having causal hook-ups with women, or forming FWB relationships with women that were dissolved as soon as their husbands got upset. They were treating women like bits on the side while tending to their "real" relationships with men. It was depressing as hell.
So you give me hope! :)
You're welcome LoveBunny. It is so sad that bi women out there are still "bi on the back burner" instead of "out-and-proud" like we are. I saddens me to know that the women you found on facebook didn't live out the fullness of being in a true relationship with a woman. Sex with the right woman is mind-blowing but when ladies sneak around to do it in secret and can't love a woman openly as they should because of their selfish husbands, it just confirms to me how the prison of monogamy with a man for bisexual woman robs her of having the freedom to love a woman as she should.

That is one reason why I took a different route to polyamory compared to most bi women. I fell in love with my wife and married her first before we together entered into a triad with a quality man. I enjoyed men a lot, always have, but struggled to find ones who could stay with me knowing I wasn't going to leave women alone. Plus, I just had hard luck bonding with many men because emotionally at that time they couldn't or wouldn't connect with me like a woman would (which isn't surprising for most men in their 20's) My wife had been in an abusive relationship with a man before we fell in love so she needed time to heal before she explored that avenue again..

My wife and I didn't deny that we still wanted to connect with men. Seeking men to enjoy as good dates and/or have great sex met with mixed results. (Nothing is a bigger turn-off than a man who wants to jack off just to see two women make love!! We are not a show assholes!). Fortunately, we met our man and he was a smart and confident guy who was a good listener and affectionate. We had been without men for several months before we met him and we were aching for some dick. He fucked us both senseless (separately) that first magical night and it eventually become the loving triad we have now. Still have our ups and downs but I hope more bi women have something similar to what we have. Glad to give you hope in finding the man and woman of your dreams!:)
Last night I went out drinking with a woman I'll call Mira who I've known, on and off, for several years. Mira was a friend of a poly friend I don't see much anymore since she and her poly husband had their babies (Mira and my friend, apparently, had some sort of falling out over a guy.) Mira always seemed very young to me (she's ten years younger than me) and kind of hippy-dippy, and a close friendship never took off between us, though whenever I'd run into her, we'd chat happily enough.

Over the last few years, she's lived in Asia and India, and now she's back in town staying with her family, trying to work and save up to return to Asia. We've been saying stuff to each other on Facebook lately, so I contacted her and said let's catch up.

She's a knockout, a Mila Kunis lookalike, and I'always had a little crush, but of course, I was monogamous and couldn't act on it. Before going out last night, I found myself thinking of it as a "date," then I'd laugh and myself and talk myself out of it. She's just a friend, a woman I know, and I had never had any indication of sexual interest from her.

Immediately, Mira seemed really touchy-feely with me, which I don't remember her being before. It's that damned confusing woman-thing, where you don't know if she's just being friendly or flirting, and if she's flirting, is it because she actually wants to get with you, or just because she likes the attention and finds you non-threatening. She kept grabbing my arm, and rubbing my back, at one point we walked into a place with her arm around my shoulders, mine around her waist. I sort of brushed my hand down to her ass for just a second...Our hug goodbye was long and tight. It felt...more than friendly, I thought, but I'm aware that might be wishful thinking.

I told her about my bisexuality I couldn't recall if I'd mentioned it back when we first met. I think I did. I've always made a point of bringing it up to attractive women, just in case :) I told her I am actively choosing nonmonogamy right now, and she seemed down with the idea, and mentioned she's in no place to start a committed relationship when she plans to leave soon. At one point she told me "I engage sexually with both genders, but I really love the energy between a man and a woman," which I guess means she's more into men, but likes women some?

So I was confused by the physicality, but can't deny I liked being touched by her. But then, there were these red flag moments. I can't tell if she's another sociopath, or if I've got it in my head, thanks to 5 months dating an emotionally abusive narcissist (Coco,) then a series of dates with the awkward, morally-stilted Jules that the only females who want me have no intention of treating me well.

The red flags: Mira seems to become angry very easily if someone says something she perceives as too "Western-thinking," and she dismisses the worldviews of others quite quickly. At one point, she asked me where I grew up then sort of mocked something I said as "such a New-England point of view." Sometimes I found her wildly inappropriate and aggressive. At one venue, she told the bartender she had nice tits then asked if they were real! Granted, we had drank a lot by then, but....shit. And, she has these weird views on suffering, that if a person or animal is suffering, the are MEANT to suffer and it does no good for those of us outside the situation to suffer over their suffering too. She believes even the holocaust happened for a reason. Zen or sociopathic??

I didn't invite her home with me, I left her talking to a friend she hadn't seen in a while at a bar. I found the whole evening confusing, and when I got home, I erupted into tears. I have no idea if my crying was a trigger from her mixture of affection and argumentativeness, or if I'm taking it personally that here's another woman who will fuck a woman but love a man (why is my love less valuable than a man's?) Maybe I'm just frigging lonely.....Arlo, my someday-ex-husband and I recently decided it's best if we stop sleeping together so that we can truly move on, so I'm grieving the loss of him as my lover, and I'm feeling very physically lonely.

This makes me think I need to give the chirpy little swinger woman I went out with a couple of weeks ago more thought. She seemed sincere, she's on the mainland now taking care of her mother during chemo. So what if she's not very experienced with women, not gorgeous and "edgy." She seems like a good, sincere person who isn't all about herself. Maybe I should try that for a change.

I had lunch last week with Shane, who I consider a FWB. If I get too lonely, Shane reminded me, I can always spend the night with him, he's got a nice bottle of wine waiting for me. I'll keep that in my back pocket for now, but might be nice to take the edge off.
I found the whole evening confusing, and when I got home, I erupted into tears. I have no idea if my crying was a trigger from her mixture of affection and argumentativeness, or if I'm taking it personally that here's another woman who will fuck a woman but love a man (why is my love less valuable than a man's?) Maybe I'm just frigging lonely . . . I'm grieving the loss of him as my lover, and I'm feeling very physically lonely.
Oh, honey, yes - you are lonely. And in pain with grief. That's exactly what I was thinking while I was reading your post, and I was hoping that you didn't take Mira home because she sounded all kinds of wrong for you. When we are lonely and hurting, it's so easy to make a bad choice to avoid the pain, because we just seek out any kind of comfort we can find. But she sounds like someone to steer clear of.

This makes me think I need to give the chirpy little swinger woman I went out with a couple of weeks ago more thought. She seemed sincere, she's on the mainland now taking care of her mother during chemo. So what if she's not very experienced with women, not gorgeous and "edgy." She seems like a good, sincere person who isn't all about herself. Maybe I should try that for a change.
She does sound like a better choice, though I don't recall much of what you wrote about her before.

Or you could be alone for a little while and just be with the fellings that arise, no matter how uncomfortable and sad and challenging it is to do that. I'm sure you will emerge a stronger person and will atttract people who are good for you, if you will just give yourself time to heal.
Or you could be alone for a little while and just be with the fellings that arise, no matter how uncomfortable and sad and challenging it is to do that.

@NyCindie, I love when you chime in you always give me something to think about. I do feel for me the challenge isn't being alone. I've dealt with hardcore loneliness, starting with benignly neglectful parents who had no ties to family or the community. Growing up, I always felt deeply lonely and different from everyone else, too sensitive, unable to withstand the bumps and bruises of human interaction. As a young woman, having a dozen lovers didn't cure it. Then, marriage didn't cure it. I've learned to enjoy spending time alone, and how to self-soothe, and all that. But I feel inner work now is all about trying to learn how to connect, to stop withdrawing into myself all the time. Of course, a big part of that is figuring out the right people to connect to, and pretty, cruel Mira is probably not my best choice. I'd love to be able to just have hot tantric sex with her, then disengage. Not sure I'm capable, though.

I've been trying to figure out why I'm so drawn to this particularly damaged kind of person, and why they seem to keep showing up in my life. I almost feel like they're my flip side, my foil. What is it like to move through the world like a bulldozer, fearless, never moved by emotion or attachment? I know they're only living half a life, but sometimes I envy them their callousness.

Late last night my best friend, Victoria, had a drunken meltdown at the karaoke bar. Her relationship with her live in boyfriend is crumbling in an ugly way. I felt bad she felt bad, but I am ashamed to say I also felt jealous that she got to make a scene, and me and two other friends sat with her and made a fuss. Here I am coming out of a 17 year relationship, and everyone seems to just assume I'm hunky-dory. I honestly felt that if I were to make such a scene, no one would comfort me. If I think about it, I have no idea if that's accurate. Likely someone would comfort me. But I wish I felt certain.

Victoria also told me she's making plans to move away. I know she's been toying with the idea for a while. If/when she goes, that will be a huge blow to my support system and my social life. I'm also a little hurt that our friendship doesn't tilt the scales towards her staying.
I don't want to have sex with anybody. Or, maybe there's no one around I want to have sex with.

Arlo sleeps on the couch when he stays over. I hug him and kiss him and hold his hand, but I don't want to have sex with him.

I took down my free dating profiles off AFF and OKC. Left up my paid one on SDC directed only at women. Is it just that men aren't doing it for me right now? No, because a lesbian friend of mine mentioned a lesbian friend of hers who was asking around about me. She's kind of cute, but I don't think I want to have sex with her, either, because she smokes and is "soft butch" while I'm all about femmes. What makes us attracted to what we're attracted to? It's so interesting how individual and subjective it all is.

Last night I reconnected with a guy I dated briefly two years ago. His name is Collin. He's twelve years younger than me, adorable and sweet, but not super-smart, and very emotional (and this is coming from me.) We were coworkers several years ago, but at that time I was monogamous to my husband. Then, we bumped into each other two years ago, after we'd opened up the marriage, and Collin and I dated. Back then, Coco and I were just on the verge of breaking up, then just broken up, and I was a mess over her. I simply wasn't emotionally available to Collin. Also, he grew uncomfortable dating a married woman, though he was open to the idea of nonmonogamy. The one time we came close to having sex wasn't good for me. Colin is great at the sweet kissy stuff, but doesn't seem to know what to do in bed, plus he has erection issues because of anti-anxiety meds. I also bowed out because he required way more attention and coddling than than I could give without feeling exhausted.

He texts me periodically, usually lame "What's up?" texts. I brush him off nicely, and when I do hang with him I've kept it brief and strictly in the friend zone. But now, with my best friend Victoria talking about moving away this summer, and Arlo not sleeping in my bed anymore....I feel like I need to bolster up my support system and reach out to peripheral friends. And I'm ashamed to say I'm craving sexual attention.

So I met up with him at last night,. I had Victoria join us. I thought I'd keep it flirty and friendly, but he looked absolutely gorgeous, he really has a killer body, and I ended up kissing him.

It was loud at the bar, and we were drunk, but I think he told me he thinks about me a lot, and that he knows I don't feel the same for him as he feels for me. I didn't know what to do with this information, and I wasn't in the mood for deep conversation while Victoria was singing Taylor Swift karaoke! He texted me he wants to hang out today. I ponder giving it another chance. He is a really sweet man, and eye candy! But though I enjoyed his touch and his kisses, I don't want to have sex with Collin either, and I definitely don't want to be his emotional caretaker.

In other news, Arlo met my friend Mira at a dinner party this week. It's a small town, so I shouldn't be surprised, but I guess I'm wondering what it means that they meet NOW, now that I'm having lascivious thoughts about her. I casually asked him what he thought of her. He said, "She's an aggressive little thing, isn't she?" Then, "Something is missing in her."

So I'm not the only one who sees those qualities. A part of me really wants to hang out with Mira again--she was definitely not boring, and if I'm being honest, she's the only person around I fantasize about having sex with--not that she's offered. But I'm resisting the temptation to contact her, reminding myself that one should avoid sociopaths, not pursue them romantically.
You know the old saying - "don't fuck crazy!"

It sounds to me that some part of you might be pulling back from pursuing sex with anyone so you can grieve the end of your marriage. You're probably not ready to date again yet, and perhaps don't want to conciously admit it. Take it easy, hon, and be kind to yourself.
I told myself I'd try to go three months without sex, but I failed. This brings me back to my thoughts about being a "love addict." Not a sex addict, luckily, but I'm definitely someone who feels like she needs intimate, sexual relationships (not casual encounters) to survive. For a while, I was on a forum about love addiction, but I left because I didn't agree with several philosophies. They tout monogamy as the only possible outcome to curing one's love addiction, while I argue polyamory might offer its own solutions. They preach that being sexually unfulfilled is certainly no reason to leave a monogamous marriage. I really must disagree. Also, there was too much talk of "God" on the boards and I'm an atheist. But after spending some time there, I watch my own patterns more closely. I see nothing morally wrong with having lots of sexual partners, but one must not damage or exploit oneself or others in the process.

I redid my AFF profile, which led to an uninspiring date last night. The guy was 6'5'' great body and had a nice face, but he had a snaggletooth I couldn't see in photos but couldn't stop staring at in real life. He also had a southern accent and ended his marriage because his wife had an affair while he was overseas in the military. I just couldn't see myself with him, and told him so this morning.

Last week I visited with Carey, a guy I used to hook up with a couple of years ago. I was picking up gift certificates from him for an environmental nonprofit I'm on the board for. One thing led to another, wine led to naked hot tub led to sex. He's handsome and charming but lacks depth, and the experience was a diversion at best.

Meanwhile, Arlo told me he wants to start divorce proceedings. We'll do "no contest" which means no lawyers, we came to a tentative alimony agreement. Might be foolish of me to agree to a handshake, but I trust him, plus I'm able bodied, college-educated and no children, so it's not as if I can't find a way to make more money if absolutely necessary. Arlo and I still hang out together a couple of times a week. Though we'd officially taken sex off the table, we fell off the wagon a couple of days ago and made love for the first time in months. It was nice, and I don't regret it.

So if I'm feeling lonely, who do I call? The closest people in my life are my STBX Arlo, and my platonic bestie Victoria. If they're not around or I've had my fill of them, I can call on my FWB swinging-single Shane. Or Collin the adorable make-out buddy who crushes on me. Dashing Carey, apparently, still offers himself as my occasionally fuckbuddy. Then there's Birdie, the very nice if not terrible exciting swinger-woman I'm talking to. Or Mira, the sociopath I really want to fuck but don't dare. I've also got a handful of solid platonic pals of various gender and sexual orientation. It's not exactly the family of close friends and lovers I desire for myself, but it's what I've got and I'm grateful for them all.
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My someday-ex husband and I have put divorce-talk on the back burner while he concentrates on opening his own business while simultaneously finishing a consulting gig for very demanding clients. We had a wallop of a fight over taxes. He knew I needed us to file separately because it cuts down my student loan payments, but he ignored my wishes, filed jointly, and spent the return before I even found out. He was in a panic about money while waiting for work to pan out, and behaved stupidly. I was livid, but he is making amends and getting it fixed. We have plans for a nice date tomorrow night.

I'm generally happy with my life, except for the fact that my love life isn't where I'd like it to be. The last woman I was messaging with on OKCupid who seemed promising just ghosted. She gave me her phone number, said she wanted to meet, but she wanted to talk on the phone first. I gave her a few good times to call me, but she never did, and she never returned my texts when I asked her when was a good time for me to call her. WTF?

I've been chatting with a man and a woman on AFF, separately. Both have young children, though, which is annoying, because their time isn't often their own. We'll see if anything comes of either. I'm a bit depressed after tea with a lesbian friend who just broke up with her girlfriend. I was kind of hoping she might want to date me. I've always had a flirty thing with her. But she told me during casual conversation that she's already interested in someone else, and besides, she's told me before, she prefers butches.

Ironic that I've worked so hard to get to a place where I can maintain multiple relationships without strife, and now I can't even manifest one person to date. A good guy friend of mine has a crush on me, and he's been sending me moony texts whenever he's drunk. I wish I could feel attracted to him, but I'm just not, and I've been very clear about that. I think the problem, for me, is that he's very insecure, and honestly, in a male right now I'm looking for some serious sexual swagger.

In a moment of weakness a couple of weeks ago, I contacted Mira, the very attractive woman I suspect might be a sociopath. She is definitely not good for me. It's like this horrible game where we both keep upping the anty--"Movie?" "No, drinks at my house." "How about we switch from wine to tequila?" "It's cold out here, shall we move into the bedroom?" I left her company with my head spinning. Nothing happened, though. I'm pretty sure it's just a power game to her, she enjoys my attention and would love it if I embarrassed myself by professing my desire to her, which I simultaneously do and do not do. Ugh. No more.
A friend of mine says "Relationships are negotiations." All mine certainly seem to be exactly that.

With almost a year of separation between us, negotiations between Arlo and I may have reached an impasse. Arlo wants a monogamous, traditional marriage. But, he says, he is willing to let me have another woman in my life as a "secondary." He will never feel ok about another man. He wants us to live together again.

I'm not sure I want the compromise. I miss living with Arlo sometimes, but at other times, I really enjoy having lots of space from him. And I'm not sure I can agree with an OPP. I'd really like to explore more with other men, and I really am bored of sex with Arlo. There's no nice way to say that. After 17 years together, I'm just bored. My ambivalence about our marriage causes Arlo pain, and I know he won't hang on much longer. I've already told him when he's ready to divorce me, I will sign the papers. It sucks though. No one on this Earth knows me better or loves me more than Arlo.

I dreamed last night about fishing (which I hate) and that I HAD to fish, it was my job, though I hated causing the fish pain. I accidentally tore one's mouth off with the hook. I was fishing off an 80 foot bridge, by the way, so throwing them back caused them pain too. Quite the vivid dream.

I'm also in pre-sexual negotiations with two men. One is a 29 year old skater dude. He is offering a casual, sexual thing, as I have told him he's not what I'm looking for in a serious partner. He's a bit rough around the edges for me, and I'm not sure about my level of attraction, but it could be fun. We've hung out a few times, and I've agreed to see him again.

The other man is much more my speed, and slightly more age-appropriate (mid-30's) but he lives 4 hours away. We've messaged each other on OKCupid, talked on the phone, and become Facebook friends. He said he's driving down to meet me this weekend, I said fine, but get a hotel room so I don't feel pressured. He's smart, funny, poly, makes good money. He's in a "primary"relationship already. We'll see if he shows up, and if he does, if there's chemistry. He doesn't call or text me much, but maybe that's because I told him I hate talking on the phone.

With my platonic bestie, Victoria, moving out of town in a couple of weeks, I've been trying hard to reach out and make new friends. I've been spending more time around some lesbians I know, which is new for me (lots of gay guy friends, not many women.) I've often felt like lesbians don't take me seriously as a queer woman because of my marriage to a man, but now that I'm separated they seem more accepting of me. I'm even starting to get the feeling that I'm being flirted with sometimes, which is encouraging. They all have so much drama among themselves, though, not sure I want to get mixed up in such a small, incestuous dating pool.