Casual three some but I want poly relationship

Fair enough. I couldn't think of a better nuanced word.

What I meant is that you were fooling yourself thinking hubby would come around to poly. You weren't really ok with it but you went along anyway. He might get upset over that. That's another thing to deal with now.

As for husband? He's not into poly, he only wants group sex. He might also be "not listening" or "hearing only what he wants to hear" and fooling himself some too. And neither being super clear leads to this mess.

Don't do any more threesomes. Don't point the finger. Just say that was a mistake, and ask for what you really want instead.

"I tried it once. I don't like it. It was a mistake to start like that. I really rather pursue poly on my side. Could you be willing to Open the marriage, and have it be casual or group sex on your side of it that you do on your own, and then I pursue poly on my side on my own?"​

Just move the conversation forward. Don't keep it in the stuck.

Galagirl
 
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Could you be willing to clarify?

He's not ok with each of you fooling yourselves? Or he's not ok with casual sex on his side and poly on yours?

Galagirl
 
He's not ok with casual on his side and poly on mine. He heard all my points but he cannot grasp his mind around how if I fell for someone else it wouldn't change my feelings for him. Love multiplies, it doesn't divide. But he doesn't understand that.
 
So he's not willing to be Open and each of you pursue the thing you each want on the side.

Does that mean you both prefer to Close then and not Open? Or does that mean you prefer to break up with him?

What is your desired outcome?

Galagirl
 
I don't know. I'm so confused right now. I wish I had never learned about poly. If my options are only him or not him I would chose him every time because I can't imagine my life without him. Problem is he gives me false hope. Even after our conversation yesterday, today:confused: he told me that friend wants more so we will try to get together once a week. I don't understand. Idk if he doesn't realize what he is doing or what.
 
You sound like if you cannot have Poly, then you prefer Closed on your side or both sides Closed.

Then the issue becomes...

  • Can he be Closed with me without triggering me on this over and over? Like dangling candy I cannot have?
  • Or do I have to end it with him to be free of the triggering and free of him not respecting my boundary?

Because he's "dangling." Whether he is doing it on purpose or not doesn't matter. What matters is that he IS dangling, that bothers you deeply, and you want him to stop this behavior around you.

You could set a firm boundary about it and expect him to abide by it if you guys Close. And if he does not respect it and continues "teasing" you like that? You could leave. With regrets, but leave.

It's not loving or kind to be doing that behavior. It's not harmless. It is stressful and not respecting your limits. It's pushing you beyond your limits.

You deserve to be treated well. Not endure mind games. That's mean.

Galagirl
 
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I'm just glad I'm not the only one who sees it like that. I had two boyfriends at the same time in high school. One knew about the other but the other didn't know. I really enjoyed it except the secrecy of it. I never knew that it was actually an option until husband started talking to me about a hall pass and possibly an open marriage. I'm a person who researches things so I bought the book Open and it changed my life. Now for him to be doing this is just crazy. I've got to explain to him again that he's opening a door that I don't think he wants to.
 
I've got to explain to him again that he's opening a door that I don't think he wants to.
Click to expand...

I encourage you to talk to him. But could not frame it like you think he's opening a door that he doesn't really want or hasn't really thought out well. People can get defensive and huffy with that approach.

You could keep it way simpler.

  • You be in charge of stating what YOU are and are not up for at this time.
    • If Open, You want poly on your side. You do not want casual. He can do casual on his side of it if he wants.
    • Otherwise you prefer Closed and that he stops bringing it up.
  • Let him be in charge of stating what he is and is not up for at this time.
    • he wants... what?

See what lines up or not. Keep the conversation more focussed. Maybe that will help keep the confusion down and avoid circular conversation.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks hun. Friend hadn't had my number but he just gave it to him so friend can text me. Wth am I supposed to think about that? I feel like he is setting me up for failure and heartbreak.
 
I would be mad if my DH did that. I don't like people giving out my number or address without my permission. What if it were not crush man but some jerk face who was harassing me for a date? Sheesh! DH would have made it even easier for the person to harass me! The polite thing to do is to say to the friend "Ok, give me your number. I'll pass it on" and come to tell me so and so wanted my contact info. Here's their number if I want to share mine.

Leave it up to ME. I can then either lose their number or call them myself.

I think you could be allowed to own your phone and who you give the number to.

You seem to need to set a lot of boundaries with your DH. I suggest you do them.

Otherwise it is true. Your DH causes you a lot of heartbreak and misery due to his inconsiderate/thoughtless behaviors. :(

Again, you deserve to be treated WELL.

Galagirl
 
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No he asked me. He said is it okay if I give him your number and I was all we talked yesterday about how that might not be a good idea but I don't mind talking to him. He was like I don't think it's a big deal you can text him.
 
Instead of saying a "soft no" like

I was all we talked yesterday about how that might not be a good idea
Click to expand...

you could learn to say a hard

"No, do not do that. It is not a good idea."​

Especially when you seem to recognize your DH is not good at subtle emotions in previous posts and he's all "jumping the gun" right now and not listening in other ways.

One of you has to put the brakes on and I think it has to be you.

You are on a slippery slope. You could take charge of the steering wheel.

Galagirl
 
I know I suck at telling him no. But you are right. When he gets home from work in the morning it's time to put everything out in the open. I can't do casual.
 
Good for you. Stick to stating plain what you are and are not up for.

If you are going to Open, you want poly on your side.
  • You will tell about sex health practices and labs.
  • You will not tell every little thing because that is draining and every mini couple inside the larger network needs some privacy.
  • You do not want group sex. You prefer a "V" model with (you and husband) and then (you and a BF).

You are ok with casual sex on his side if that is what he wants for himself. (in 1:1 or groups up to X size)
  • You want to hear about sex health practices and labs.
  • You do not want to hear about every little thing.

If he is not able to do that, then you prefer Closed.

  • If Closed, you don't want him bringing up Open stuff -- either group sex or poly any more.
  • You want to lay it to rest once and for all so you can enjoy being with him peacefully.

If he is not able to do Closed without dangling the topic about like that?

  • You will have to consider leaving in order to be free of the stress.
  • With regrets, but leave to be free of the stress.


You seem pretty clear cut to me in your posts. It's mainly about being brave and putting it out there to DH up front and and honest.

Once you get past that initial "see what lines up or not" conversation, then you can continue to discuss details. Birth control, what to do about accidental pregnancy, how often to run labs, money for dating, time for just you two on the calendar, etc. One thing at a time. But def no more jumping the gun.

Galagirl
 
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Hi curiousjanet,

I think GalaGirl has the right idea, and this is an important time for you to decide for sure whether you can stand to live without poly (til death do you part).

I'll follow this thread in case I think of any more ideas for you ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It sounds to me like your husband views you as his property and gets off on the idea of pimping you out to his friend. His friend wasn't even contacting you before, just him, like calling up for a hooker. Sheesh. I especially don't like reading how you're afraid he will "flip out" and how he was upset when you had something important to do which cancelled his plans for a threesome. He is like a selfish baby who only wants what he wants, while what you want doesn't really matter all that much to him, it seems.

I wouldn't want that dynamic with my husband. You two definitely need to talk, and you have to come clean abut what bothers you, and assert yourself as an autonomous individual with wants and needs of your own. Every relationship, whether mono or poly needs to be respectful of each person's autonomy. If you keep kowtowing to him, letting him believe he's in charge of how you express your sexuality, and swallowing what you really need to tell him instead of speaking up, you'll just continue to be miserable for a very long time.
 
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Yeah, I just read through this thread and I agree with Cindie. It is clear to me that the husband likes to be in control of the situation, most likely due to insecurities on his part. The bad thing is that behavior is most likely never going to change.
 
We have had numerous talks since I started this and we have met up with friend twice. Ironically no sex either time. We just hung out, drank, and had fun. I was sitting on friends lap and stuff most of the time. It was like going out with a boyfriend, except husband was there too. Friend is now even introducing me as his girlfriend. Ran in to one of his friends last night and he was like this is my girlfriend and her husband. His friend was like cool, nice to meet you. Husband has said it's all cool as long as i just like the friend and don't fall in love, but where is the line.
 
How do you deal with closed minded people? I am new to this and last night when a guy at the bar heard friend introduce me to someone else as his girlfriend and then my husband he was very closed minded even though the conversation did not involve rude guy at all. My husband and friend both fought the dude last night because he called me a disgusting whore and a cunt. I do not condone violence and tried to make both of my guys just leave but they wouldn't. Now one has a swollen lip and black eye and the other had to get stitches in his mouth because rude guy was a beast. How do others deal with these types of things? I mean there are a lot of closed minded people in the world and what happened last night can't happen again because it was ridiculous.
 
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