Change in all the areas of my life...

Two days into Joan living here and so far... it’s actually pretty great! I admit I had some wobbles the first day she moved in - I didn’t really help with the actual move at all because I wasn’t entirely needed AND because there was just something psychological that made me twitch at the idea of not only encouraging this to occur but actually having to do the work. And it was a little weirder to have Knight go upstairs to bed in her room rather than that being our guest room or even sleeping in the guest room myself while they’re downstairs (our former dynamic for this sort of thing). I mean, clearly that was a moment of “she lives here now” and ... that was a thing. I don’t know if I’d call it a hard thing, per se, really it was more of a *weird* thing.

I mean I’m writing this entry while we’re all sitting in the living room on our various devices, partially while texting husband across the room about random logistical stuff that doesn’t involve Joan yet, so that’s... also a thing.

And Artist got laid off from his job last week so that’s an extra level of stress for everyone, and Knight’s father is in the hospital yet again, ditto. ::sigh:: Can we be done with summer now? Maybe after my vacations at least, the next few weeks are at least full of those.
 
Although I have at least had a couple more normal dates the last few weeks with Artist and even chatted here and there with ArtistWife, so I’m not terrified of the dynamics _there_ on a poly front. That’s something? Actually that’s a pretty huge something as I’m still so very smitten with him, in that poetry-and-wordlessness kind of way.

And Knight has mostly quit drinking for the past week. Like, really really for reals this time in what feels like an actual sustainable way. That, too, is wonderful - hell, *I* am not even drinking much because he isn’t, and I think that it’s probably emotionally really great for me too.
 
This summer is getting to be a *tedious* roller coaster. On the upside I spent the weekend with a few old friends and am getting ready for an awesome vacation next week, on the downside? My father in law is officially in hospice and even my occasional comet partner has managed to cause drama in my life.

I mean, what the fuck? I see MartialArtist maybe... once or twice a year? So that shouldn't even be possible but here we are. Obviously he's married, I know his wife, she's cool. And I knew he casually dated people and had had a more serious partner for a while but he gave the impression that had ended. Wellllll... apparently there was a partner that he lied to about me the last time we saw each other. So not only did he break the literal ONE rule I had for him (we aren't doing this if you're cheating) but now I'm kind of dubious of the "oh we're friends and it'd still be great to hang out even if we didn't have sex" spin that I thought we had. And now he's sort of beating himself up over it in text which... is interesting. I'm pissed, yes, but not I think at the level that he's expecting... but then I think he was / is far more into me both as a friend and a sexual interest than I was him. So while I'm not going so far as to just say "boy bye" as I think he expected, I'm also not really interested in reassuring him that he's not terrible or whatever. This is just not worth that level of emotional labor.
 
Summer... summer hasn’t really let up on me and it’s now fall. Or at least that’s what all the pumpkin spice everything in the world would have one believe, although the still upper 80’s of the weather would argue with that.

So things are still so very eventful here, in ways that are brilliant and ways that are terrible and ways that managed to be both at once.

Went to New Orleans for a week at the beginning of August with Knight - part a work trip for him , part a vacation for us. It was... both astonishingly awesome in that we hadn’t been on that sort of trip in, well, ever, for various reasons, and we ate and drank our way around the city. Still managed to fight about sex though. ::sigh:: (things might be trending better there, more later on that front)

Things with Artist are going amazingly well, despite his stress about continuing unemployment. For me that’s just meant a lot of cheerleading and a bit more creativity when it comes to date activities - not the worst thing. And I’ve actually been pleasantly surprised at some of the ways that he and ArtistWife’s relationship has been changing - she’s been doing a lot of therapy since her other partner left and it’s, well, I don’t know the exact details but it’s meant that some of the bits that she was controlling about his life are now his decision and not hers. (I mean yes of course they were always his but he was willing to continue to abide by the agreements they made when they first started out on this journey five years ago, some of which are no longer in play.) So *that*, at least, is utterly stable and wonderful.

And back at home things have been going... better... on the relationship front with Knight. We even managed to go to a kink party this past weekend and have it be rewarding, though in a very different way than going to a similar kink party hosted by the same people the month before with Artist. With Artist I basically ended up in a ... sexual trance for large portions of the evening, which sort of limited the amount of socializing I did - we were just so very very very wrapped up in each other, plus or minus some random bits playing with other people’s toys (roses dipped in liquid nitrogen are REALLY interesting impact toys). With Knight we socialized a lot more, I spent a lot of time flirting with other people (with his encouragement) and I ended up getting co-topped by Knight and a woman who was new to the scene when we did finally get around to playing. I mean that was totally fun but it was less about intense sexual connection between us and more about *playing* - I was sort of giggly and turned on at the end rather than in OMG intense NEED mode.

And *that* in a nutshell is a mindset I’m trying to learn. I tend to want to experience sexuality in an “intense need” mode - it’s where I have my most, as I have described them here previously, face-melting experiences. But in seeking those I’ve forgotten how to HAVE sex that’s a little bit less serious, a little bit less something that feels like it’s straight from an erotic novel, a little bit more two people just figuring out how to have fun. And that’s something I really need to re-figure out with Knight - we’ve had these past five years or more where we just aren’t connecting to each other and I think it’s still possible for us to if we try - I have to quit blaming him for all of it though. I’ve realized that my RSD doesn’t just mess with my social relationships, it can and does strike into the heart of long established relationships too. And that’s on me to fight, just like it’s on me to try to fight the rest of the ADD stuff.

(Not that I’ve been terribly good at doing that lately. I just can’t seem to get into a habit or routine or anything since MiniMe went back to school. And that doesn’t look to change soon for Reasons.)

Part of that is that I’m still adjusting to having someone else in “my” space. At the moment my office/studio has exploded and I haven’t managed to get myself to rearrange it, and I find that I’m having some resistance to doing so since part of the reason it’s crowded now is that it has more stuff in it than I intended it to when I set it up. (It was supposed to be just office and photography; it has also acquired a small futon, an exercise bike, and a closet worth of fabric and historical costuming that originally lived Elsewhere. So that’s a thing.) Though I’m not sure I realized that was part of my resistance until I typed that and I’m going to have to dig into it more.

I also still think the hardest part of living with Joan is when she and Knight don’t go out, we all just hang out in the living room, and then he sleeps upstairs. I don’t know why I never expected that to happen. Perhaps because if I could go out more I would? I just sort of want to compartmentalize to where I’m not hanging out with a partner and then going to bed alone, that’s weird for me. And I end up not sleeping, though that’s often true no matter whether it’s me sleeping alone because he’s upstairs or because he’s traveling or what.

I think a huge part of the problem here is that it’s really unclear as to whether Joan is meant to turn into a life partner or is a partner that happens to be a roommate. I think I could handle either model if I knew which it was - but Knight isn’t really clear on it either, for all I know Joan isn’t either although she acts, now that she’s here, more in the vein of what I would have called life partner. Although how much of that is based on just the practicalities of living together, I don’t know.

I mean, I honestly do really like having her around - we are perhaps unsurprisingly similar in ways that I hadn’t realized, and yet I can see how her somewhat more... straightforward and practical approach to life is a balm to Knight as a counter to my emotional intensity. Like even when she’s having a fairly intense amount of emotional crisis she just sort of... handles it, or at least filters it in ways that minimize what it does to other people. And our interests are highly compatible - we can even cook well together - won a historic competition doing so a few weekends ago! which means we have stuff to talk about AND we work in similar fashions.

I wish I could do the filtering though. Maybe someday. I’m getting better. I managed to talk to Knight about my emotions about him sleeping upstairs without actually changing anything for anyone but me and without blowing up and freaking out.

Sometimes I doubt the path I chose. Sometimes my dreams feel all on hold. There's no doubt that this will make me strong. Because it's the hardest thing I've ever done (this is my favorite poly compatible love song, Honeythief by Halou, and it’s the one I listen to on repeat whenever things seem rough with Knight or with Artist, because they’re both perfect in their own ways.

And things really are going to get rough for the next few months. I’ve mentioned, here and there in this blog since it started, that my father in law was in rough health, and that he entered hospice at the end of July. Yesterday the nurse said it’d be a month or less. So. Yeah. That.

(And Joan’s being amazing at trying to support Knight who doesn’t even realize how much support he really needs and for that I love her, even outside of the fact that I love her because she makes him happy. )
 
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So this is an interesting moment. Right around... now-ish (well, as of when I started writing this a few hours ago), Joan is meeting Knight’s mother. So that’s a thing. (I am elder-sitting to facilitate this, which is not great but on the other hand it means at least I’m done with listening to Joan complain that Knight has been putting off this meeting.)

Come to think of it, there’s an interesting pattern here - and honestly it’s a little bit why I hadn’t ever made friends with her to any significant degree before she moved in. Wasn’t anything personal, just I was tired of getting more intimately (either in the sexual sense or in the simple sense of closeness) involved with Knight’s partners simply because I was there, and he kept dating people who were more... emotionally needy than he was available for? So we’d talk a lot. This starts off great but I’m a little tired of working out the triangulation of Joan having issues with things Knight does and telling me, when she doesn’t want to tell him because she’s too sensitive about it but knows (because I’ve told her) that I’m most likely going to eventually tell him or attempt to fix the situation.

Yes I know this isn’t the best plan. I do it anyway. In this case it worked.

More later.
 
And the hits keep coming and they don't stop coming...

Knight's father died last week. He's... ok? maybe? Or at least not any more upset by it than you'd think. (How do you grieve when someone has been gone for five years, in many many ways?)

i think he desperately needs to go find some therapy though as he's really just overall not happy. Like we've had so many conversations about what he wants out of his life other than just work/veg out/repeat and he can't answer that, doesn't even really seem to have any goals and maybe for some people that's enough, and if he was content that'd be ok but he's not. That's where the drinking comes in, it's where the lack of sex drive comes in (like literally half the reason he doesn't want sex is he can't figure out what he wants vs what I want and he ends up being so wrapped up in being afraid I won't be satisfied, despite my primary "need" to be turned on being... being wanted.).

It's... so many things.

And I get it, I really do. The more I talk to his mother the more fucked up I realize his family was growing up under a veneer of respectability - not that I blame them for that, exactly; MiniMe may be writing the same once he's old enough to process things. I hope not but I can't guarantee it.

And Knight is just such a people pleaser. The dynamic his mother set up is that she just wants and wants and wants and he tries to make her happy - it's what his father did, and taught him to do, and taught him to do for me, and what drove his father into a bottle (I mean perhaps that's just my read on it). And for a long time I thought that was ok, after all "as you wish" means "I love you", if you squint through a certain shade of glasses.

But at this point he just... can't do it anymore, or doesn't want to, or... whatever... I mean that's good but the "I don't know what I do want" phase is really painful, and has been going for years now. I'm so very very tired...
 
Sending some love your and Knight's way. I realize quite well what it means to not know what you want out of life, because you have been never really encouraged to have wants of your own in the first place.

Talk therapy is certainly a good idea, but also, some kind of body-centered practice may be necessary. These could be certain therapies, exercise which encourages getting in contact with the body (joga, martial arts, ..?), mindfulness, free dance & expressive movement. It's almost impossible to make progress on talking therapy only, if you've been cut off from the body and emotions.
 
Hugs. I hope you're doing some self care, icesong. And I hope that Knight gets the professional help that he needs.
 
I don't know whether Knight will get pro help or not - but I think for the first time in years he's actually *seeing* his own issues and is actively working on them - like, I've *told* him he needs to do something with his life other than veg out but it felt like nagging so he ignored me - at this point though he's actually seeing it for himself. And he's not drinking in the evenings at all. (Admittedly we both got a bit hammered at my father-in-law's wake-thing but that was almost unavoidable, in that crowd.) And I think/hope he's even going to get back into swords... yay!

But even little things... like "I'm choosing to do this thing my mother wants because I want to" (maybe it's to avoid her reaction, but it's still a choice) vs "I have to do this, I don't have a choice" are helping.

Though on a similar note I am still having some issues I wasn't expecting with the interactions between Joan and Knight. The problem is, on a lot of levels I expected a partner moving in to be a clear/logical step on a relationship escalator OR explicitly not one. And really I thought we were more at "explicitly not one" than has turned out to be the case. Like, I thought this was a little more in the category of "roommate that happens to be a partner" vs "building a life together". I'm not entirely sure that that's what is happening. Hell, Knight is not sure that that is what is happening, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I suppose on some level this was inevitable - you build a life with daily contact with someone and they become closer - it's inevitable - it's why I wish I could build a commune some days with my close friends group. (Seriously, it's #retirementgoals in a way that might actually happen - probably a fleet of tiny houses rather than one big house, but still.) And when that person is a partner, well, there's an intimacy there. Hell, there's an intimacy just in living with someone - she and I are certainly much closer now. (Sometimes too close, it's been a little hard some days staying out of any friction between her and Knight and I'm having to be very very careful about boundaries in the "please don't put me in the middle of this, I will not do his emotional labor for him" sense - a lesson I learned very very well from the Pink!Girl days.) Closer but with inevitable friction - why I love and hate that I don't have that level of contact with Artist, as I've mused here at length. (But I wouldn't give up the way he listens to me when we are together - and sometimes just in text - for anything. He has been so amazingly supportive through this whole roller coaster summer, despite having his own stuff to deal with...)

But back to the V - the whole thing feels so tentative - like making plans on a one year basis seems reasonable, but I can't picture things past that? But I can't picture them changing either? I don't know whether this is just my ADHD kicking in with inability to plan for the future though - I don't know that I've felt like I was able to plan for more than a few years out ever. (It seems so futile sometimes when my life is never what I expected it to be - I *hate* changing plans and would rather not have them...)

I mean, at the same time that this whole V is fucking hard, I also *love* having someone else in the house, someone else who gets the uniqueness that is loving Knight (and I sort of wish I was closer to ArtistWife just for that connection on that angle, but that's not even a question right now). if someone believed me, they would be as in love with you as I am It's kind of magical that someone does believe me / see what I see / but also see something entirely different that's all between them.

And too, there's fun stuff going on. I have a second date on Friday! Another funny small world story - several years ago, when I was dating around after HipsterBoy (back in 2014!!), I went on a couple dates with someone I named OldFriend here - we were in the same graduating class in high school, which means a lot more than it might to some people as I went to a boarding school which only had 500 people on campus - it's where Knight and I met. She went there too, actually. Welllll that went nowhere... but I ran into his ex-wife on OKC a few weeks ago and we started talking...and had coffee... and have another coffee date scheduled for later this week? It's actually my first "second date" since Artist (hell I hadn't even been on a FIRST date since 2016 and that one was terrible). And unlike a few of my other relationships with women I'm not pushing this one forward - if anything she is. This could definitely turn into a thing... (not to mention we're apparently both going to be at the same kink party the day AFTER our coffee. I mean I'm going to be there with Artist, we have Plans with a capital P, but still....) Guess I'll have to come up with another name at some point...
 
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Oh! ha! I almost forgot, but I had told @Vicki82 I'd write about this - a couple days ago something, I don't even remember what, made me think of MartialArtist and I popped in on his FB to see what he had been up to, only to find he had unfriended me. Not blocked, just unfriended. Now, this isn't really a problem - technically if I wanted to talk to him I could still message him or whatever, and I'm a ridiculously prolific FB poster so I totally get why someone would do that.

But now I'm dreadfully curious, as the Other Woman in my last post about him, wanted him to cut contact with me and he told her he wouldn't, because he valued my friendship... but he also disappeared when I wasn't really interested in his self flagellation and I have to wonder what happened after that. I'm not actually curious enough to *text* him about this, mind you, but still...
 
One step forward and one step back and now we chachacha?

A step forward:
Had a bit of a tiff about lack of planning with Knight yesterday - he had told me Tuesday he was going to his mom's for a bit last night to help with some things, implied there might be dinner without actually making plans for it. Then didn't bother trying to make said plans until late in the afternoon which I found to be terribly rude, especially as he was phrasing it in the usual "mom wants to do this" sort of way that A) drives me batshit and B) I could care less what she wants on this one, I resent the obligation on a lot of levels. (Less so right now, given the circumstances, but she's tried to hit the "we have to do this because family" button that pisses me off instead of making me want to do things WAY too often.

Anyway we were about to have a "lather rinse repeat" kind of repetitive fight, but I managed to step back and say "I could care less what mom wants, what do YOU want" and knock Knight out of the "but I have to do this and now you're annoyed and Joan is annoyed and I can't make everyone happy" loop. Et voilà! He says "oh, I wanted to do dinner today because it's the last free night in several days". And I'm like "Well, duh, ok, why didn't you say that sooner?!?!" and went along reasonably happily with the whole dinner plan. (I'm not sure whether Joan was happy with it or not, she didn't seem upset once we got home despite having declined the invitation to come but Knight did mention that they were going to have to talk about her desired level of involvement there.)

And he thanked me this morning for showing him that, as he put it, trying to keep all the plates in the air and everyone happy except himself was actually not working for ANYONE, especially him. SO yay.

And yet a step back.
On the other hand we had a bit of a tiff later because I am SO frustrated that he goes to sleep, like, five minutes into cuddling like every time we do. He sees it as a good thing, he likes sleeping with me, but I am usually not ready to sleep (I don't like sleeping, truthfully, and don't tend to want to be asleep until after midnight) and I'm frustrated that even when I choose to spend time with him in bed (aka not doing whatever else I wanted to be doing elsewhere in the house) he can't stay awake for it. He points out rightfully that he needs more sleep than I do AND gets up a bit earlier, but at the same time he doesn't ever suggest going to bed early enough to accommodate any length of time spent together. (And yet he goes to bed earlier if Joan wants to? but then she suggests it... I don't, because I don't trust him not to just go to sleep and I don't want to be stuck there. Damn it.) Somehow it's almost worse getting a little bit of cuddling than none at all - there's no "oh yay!" before getting it pulled away.
 
It’s really astonishing, sometimes, just how much Artist gets inside my head. Astonishing and wonderful and yet something I have to process because it definitely leads to the “poly sin” of comparison.

And why am I writing this now? So Knight and I have had another few days of fighting over physical affection and/or sex (it’s two different fights, that overlap and intertwine in many ways). And the thing is he’s *trying*. He’s trying so damn fucking hard. Like he really does want to make me happy, I know that, and what I want and need in romance/sex doesn’t come naturally to him and he tries to do it anyway. He’s the most amazing life partner ever in so many ways, and yet...

The problem is he doesn’t really *succeed*. Like, his natural approach to sex/affection is very... playful. No better word for it than that. Affectionate not passionate, “let’s have some fun together” not “I desperately want you”, more practical than sensuous. And on some deep level I don’t connect with that approach. It’s not that he’s not a generous lover, he’d be happy to give me (in the good giving and game sense) anything he could understand; but he just doesn’t grok what I’m trying to describe and gets frustrated because he takes all the things I try to describe as a todo list, rather than trying to describe a mood. So on a good day our sex when we manage to have it is like a... 6 of 10. And I know I should just let it go except...

(And why I don’t connect with the more playful thing? In order to really let go in sex, really hit the heights, I need to be able to turn my brain off - let myself sink in someone else’s desires. If they’re in intellectual mode, I can’t do that and so I think too much and overanalyze everything too much and don’t actually enjoy myself.)

Enter Artist. Artist and I are astonishingly well matched in this, even though I’ve never really explained any of this to him - after all, why dissect and discuss something that works? And by astonishing I mean he literally used a phrase I’ve never said to him and have said OFTEN to Nick in fights about this but in a positive way. (“I want to feel like you can’t not touch me” said by me to Knight vs “you’re so amazing I can’t not touch you” said by Artist to me.) And I can just... surrender and be a toy and be alternately used and worshiped until I lose the ability to form words let alone sentences.

And the obvious answer is that one shouldn’t affect the other. True, of course, but easier said than actualized.

I wonder if there’s a way to learn to like “in my head” instead of always “out of my head” sex?
 
icesong, sent you a PM.

I hear you on the getting out of your head- I struggle with that sometimes as well since I'm an overthinker.

Do you prefer sex to always be one style? Or do you enjoy it different ways in different moods?
 
There are definitely different sorts of sex and moods for sex I like but if I'm honest the differences are subtle and some things that other people seem to enjoy are right out for me. That common bit of advice of "don't take sex so seriously?" Makes me twitch becaus yeah bodies are funny but sex to me _isn't_.
 
There's nothing wrong with you being you, and don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise!

Especially when it comes to sex. I'm sorry that you're having a tough time making that connection with Knight the way that you need it, but I am glad that you get it with Artist. I find that I have very different sorts of sex depending on my mood and my partner's mood, so that's why I wanted to ask if it was a thing for you. Some days I like that intensely passionate connection, some days I like it soft and romantic, some days I like it laid back, and yeah some days even silly. I like sex being more of a menu personally but I am big on variety. I am lucky that both my partners are pleasers and they tend to pick up my mood, which works great for me. I can understand being frustrated if you aren't getting things the way you want even sometimes, though.

Hmm. Does Knight ever get desperately lustful in general, instead of playful? I am sure you've tried lots of things but just thought I'd throw it out there- if you got him really worked up, would that incite that desperation/need that you're looking for?
 
Sex aside (and in an ironic turn of events Knight did have a random more sexual than usual moment the other evening, after I wrote that he never did... I don’t *think* he reads this but now I wonder... Still! for sex with no buildup it was surprisingly passionate and connected. ) Anyway, I’m enjoying the dynamics between me and my loves and their loves right now - like, in so many ways this is all working so very well, in all the ways poly is supposed to work in theory but so very rarely seems to in practice.

Last Friday I hung out with Artist and ArtistWife for the evening - which is, like, not really a thing that has happened almost at all. She and I have a reasonable amount in common, just ... well, it was complicated, and I think mostly on her side. But she’s been working on a LOT of things since the breakup with AWP, like allllllllll the self work, and it’s been helping a lot. At least she seems a lot more comfortable with me, and I ended up offering to help her with a project she was doing for Christmas presents for friends/family (there was a component that was trivial for me to do but would have been a pain for her, so it was an easy offer.)

Truthfully theirs (Artist and AW) is one of the more successful transitions to a romantic / nonsexual / mixed orientation partnership I’ve ever heard of (and I spend a lot of time on this and other boards). Wasn’t always graceful, I suppose, but at this point it’s lovely to see - especially now that she doesn’t seem to see me as the... I don’t know if it was ever threat, exactly, but for a while it seemed like she resented my emotional entanglement with Artist and that vibe is gone now.

And still on the meta front, Joan and I are becoming really very good friends - it’s not just that we live together, certainly I was never this close to say, my first high school roommate as we had very little in common. I mean, our conversations do often fail the Bechdel test - as there is more than a little bit of conspiring to make Knight’s life better whether he wants it to be or not - but that’s not necessarily a bad thing! I mean, it’s pretty amusing sometimes when Knight is being ridiculous to have someone else help out stubborn him. And she’s getting sucked into our hobby and thus pulling Knight back in more! He started teaching her to fight yesterday, and she and I are going to work on clothes, and she helped me with my last feast, and and and!!! yeah I’m thrilled about that, the number of people who really understand “let’s do this crazy thing on the weekends” is... low. I mean obviously the people who already do it, get it, and there is poly overlap but I’ve only had the poly overlap ONCE before and that was with TheBride (and even she only dabbled in the history thing).

Hell, I’m even getting along with my mother in law AND I’ve now gone out for coffee three times with the lovely redhead I knew in high school. Still pondering her pseudonym here. I can’t *quite* tell what this might be - whether we’re just building a flirty friendship or whether it’s going to eventually escalate. Either way it’s fun though.

Also I’m in an extra good mood today because Artist came over to, um, retrieve the project I did for AW. And as usual he amazes me, and I am lost in him. (...i do not know what it is about you that closes / and opens;only something in me understands / the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses...)
 
So things have been developing in somewhat surprising (to me anyway) directions between Artist and I, in ways that I think may actually be good for Knight and I too.

I've written here, a lot, about how far inside my head he is, on a kink/sex level, and we've been having more conversations about whether and how and should we push that. I had even sort of been thinking about making a collar (not a 24/7 one, a play one but one with a lot of symbolism) as sort of an anniversary marker (I have at least some leatherwork skills), but thought that that shouldn't be a surprise. And so finally I got up the courage to talk about it Thursday night. (Sober, even! Well I suppose I had had one cocktail hours before and a lot of sex and endorphins in between but close enough.)

I mean it helps that a little bit earlier in the evening he had said some really wonderful things about our relationship and how much he appreciated me being emotionally there for him while he was out of work (new job found!), so that made it a lot easier to be vulnerable about just how much power he has over me without even really trying and how willing I am to see exactly where that goes.

He feels it too... neither of us ever expected this type of connection to develop but he knows and loves just how much he can wrap me around his finger at will, how much I really am his toy to play with (in that area, anyway, neither of us really want this to extend into non-sexual areas at all).

So there's going to be a bit more conversation but I've been looking for designs for said collar as a thing that's going to happen in a month or so. And I'm utterly giddy about it.

But the other thing I realized about giving him some level of ownership over that aspect of my sexuality is that by doing so, I feel so much more free to NOT have that same kind of connection with Knight. I don't need to feel slighted that he doesn't treat me like he owns me, because he doesn't. That type of sex can go in that box, over there, with Artist, and (hopefully) I can figure out better what kind of box Knight and I should be in. Like I actually have hope that *I* can get into a better headspace about this so I don't fear or feel rejection in the same way anymore. So that's pretty amazing too.
 
That sounds pretty awesome, icesong! If you feel like sharing, I'd love to see pics of the collar once you've made it. I had Henry's made through a mutual friend who is a leatherworker and it's fairly simple but definitely us, and I had a lovely tag added to it for our anniversary a year later.

I'm glad things are continuing to go well for you :)
 
So that wasn’t entirely unexpected but...

So I guess I last wrote here just before Christmas. The holiday was... fine-ish, there was sort of a lot of drama around it because Joan just doesn’t handle holidays well for SO many reasons and having to go home to her racist drunk family didn’t help. So that part wasn’t great but things got better once we took the decorations down, LOL.

And then things took an interesting turn. I can’t say it was *surprising* - Joan and I have been dancing around each other a bit in that way that it’s almost impossible for two people not to do, who are emotionally close on some level, live together, and have no philosophical obligation to NOT sleep together. And at some point it was discussed just how much Knight liked that sort of thing, and that it’d be an amusing thing to do for his birthday, which isn’t until next week, but then we found ourselves all sitting on the couch watching a movie and... well... Netflix and chill is a thing?

Still though, it was actually one of the better threesomes I’ve ended up in. There was enough attraction between Joan and I to have fun together, but more importantly enough trust between us that it wasn’t weird for me to watch them together (which has been a thing in the past - completely casual was OK and relationships between all of us was ok, but the couple times where it was someone that I was attracted to but didn’t trust and didn’t trust their intentions towards Knight? Those got weird). And more importantly still, Knight was glowing, I had forgotten how much he loves being that sort of center of attention.

I don’t think this is going to turn into a *really* regular thing, although who knows? There was some chat about it happening again in the next few weeks, so we shall see. I think it very much doesn’t change our actual relationship, which would probably confuse anyone that wasn’t poly on some level. Like, wait, shouldn’t sex be somehow significant? But in this case it was so very wrapped up in the relationship we already share and the partner we share that it was just... oh! Yeah! We can throw bodies at this too! :-D

And then Knight and I went off to spend a week at the beach with friends. Would have been somewhat more fun without MiniMe, or at least had MiniMe had somewhere to sleep that wasn’t in our room, but mostly it was wonderful. The off-season coast is so very gorgeous. Though I did drink a bit too much at New Year’s and wound up more than a bit hungover, and then didn’t sleep a couple of other nights because kid, so by the end I was dragging. I mean I took a nap today which NEVER happens.

So yeah. If we can just get through some of the financial challenges of the first part of the year, I think (assuming the world doesn’t end, cue existential dread) 2020 might be a pretty promising year?
 
I enjoyed reading your update.

People always think that sex has to change things - and maybe it does for many, but I don't find that to be true for me personally. Maybe that is why poly (and periodic threesomes) fit for me so well?

...I think (assuming the world doesn’t end, cue existential dread) 2020 might be a pretty promising year?
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Yes, aside from the fact that I am in an absolute panic that our idiot POTUS is trying to start World War Three (and that practically an entire continent in the southern hemisphere is ON FIRE :eek:), I think that 2020 may, in fact, be pretty awesome.:D
 
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