So as some may remember I've had a bit of a roller-coaster ride after dipping my toe into polyamory.
Spent the better part of the 1st year of being in a formalised relationship with my boyfriend (the Surfer) running hot and cold - a traditional guy obviously challenged by polyamory but enjoying our vibe.
He always had 1 foot in the past with his ex and the other with the 'forever after' partner he's not even met, I nicknamed her 'couchgirl' as he wants a nesting partner to sit on his couch with him. It kept getting to the stage where I would say 'well go find her' and there was always an excuse as to why the timing was wrong.
The more I learn about Avoidant types the more I understand that's his vibe. When I push for deeper conversations he rises to the challenge and opens up. He's well and truly over the ex now and mentions couchgirl way less often...
Well he's had ongoing health worries which has now been confirmed as aggressive prostrate cancer possibly with spread. I'm the only person he's really talking to about all of this at the moment.
Our relationship is primarily sexual and deep friendship (we really get eachother), he's very experienced (or is that burned?) with past relationships, he's my 4th real relationship - and it's clear he struggles with giving us the space/time for romance. I believe it's intentional (we never spend much more than 4 hours together) and again that this comes down to his struggle with the untraditional nature of our relationship and the unlikelihood of us nesting together anytime soon.
As we learn about Prostate Cancer - best case he has an average of 12 to 24 months of erectile dysfunction (ED) and loses the ability to ejaculate - if it's spread depending on the treatment he may end up with the equivalent of chemical castration. Somewhere in between is radiology - more ED, physical exhaustion and incontinence.
Oh yeah and possibly a fight for life.
Anyway I've made it clear that I'm sticking around, at the very least to help with sexual rehabilitation and getting him to a point where he knows what he can and can't offer 'couchgirl'.
Meanwhile I'm very sexual, if the ED sticks around I'll be looking for another regular guy, could be sex only, could be more. Ironic as I've had 18 months of having to hear about couchgirl (apparently because he didn't to be the badguy when it finally happened).
So we're either going to de-esculate into friendship or it also feels like he's enjoying being in the now more (I guess death hanging over you does that) and there's starting to be a deeper emotional intimacy than either of us have been open to except in our brief NRE stage which covid cut short... I've told him I love him twice, both in emails... over 6 months ago.
This relationship has been both emotionally draining and also very fun and easy. I have learned to really understand the part I play in our dynamics and to deeply explore and try to understand my emotions, triggers etc etc.
I'm going to keep staying supportive as my key focus in the next few months and let the circumstances dictate our flow. When he's gotten depressed before he's completely shutdown, goes dead behind the eyes... that may kill us off more than penis problems.
I'm curious - breaking up aside - how other peoples' relationships have faced health or other external challenges (not other relationships) and what fundamental changes in your dynamic came with or through that?
My nesting partner has been great through all of this.
Spent the better part of the 1st year of being in a formalised relationship with my boyfriend (the Surfer) running hot and cold - a traditional guy obviously challenged by polyamory but enjoying our vibe.
He always had 1 foot in the past with his ex and the other with the 'forever after' partner he's not even met, I nicknamed her 'couchgirl' as he wants a nesting partner to sit on his couch with him. It kept getting to the stage where I would say 'well go find her' and there was always an excuse as to why the timing was wrong.
The more I learn about Avoidant types the more I understand that's his vibe. When I push for deeper conversations he rises to the challenge and opens up. He's well and truly over the ex now and mentions couchgirl way less often...
Well he's had ongoing health worries which has now been confirmed as aggressive prostrate cancer possibly with spread. I'm the only person he's really talking to about all of this at the moment.
Our relationship is primarily sexual and deep friendship (we really get eachother), he's very experienced (or is that burned?) with past relationships, he's my 4th real relationship - and it's clear he struggles with giving us the space/time for romance. I believe it's intentional (we never spend much more than 4 hours together) and again that this comes down to his struggle with the untraditional nature of our relationship and the unlikelihood of us nesting together anytime soon.
As we learn about Prostate Cancer - best case he has an average of 12 to 24 months of erectile dysfunction (ED) and loses the ability to ejaculate - if it's spread depending on the treatment he may end up with the equivalent of chemical castration. Somewhere in between is radiology - more ED, physical exhaustion and incontinence.
Oh yeah and possibly a fight for life.
Anyway I've made it clear that I'm sticking around, at the very least to help with sexual rehabilitation and getting him to a point where he knows what he can and can't offer 'couchgirl'.
Meanwhile I'm very sexual, if the ED sticks around I'll be looking for another regular guy, could be sex only, could be more. Ironic as I've had 18 months of having to hear about couchgirl (apparently because he didn't to be the badguy when it finally happened).
So we're either going to de-esculate into friendship or it also feels like he's enjoying being in the now more (I guess death hanging over you does that) and there's starting to be a deeper emotional intimacy than either of us have been open to except in our brief NRE stage which covid cut short... I've told him I love him twice, both in emails... over 6 months ago.
This relationship has been both emotionally draining and also very fun and easy. I have learned to really understand the part I play in our dynamics and to deeply explore and try to understand my emotions, triggers etc etc.
I'm going to keep staying supportive as my key focus in the next few months and let the circumstances dictate our flow. When he's gotten depressed before he's completely shutdown, goes dead behind the eyes... that may kill us off more than penis problems.
I'm curious - breaking up aside - how other peoples' relationships have faced health or other external challenges (not other relationships) and what fundamental changes in your dynamic came with or through that?
My nesting partner has been great through all of this.
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