Change in Primary Language

J

jayblue122

Member
My boyfriend and his Partner recently made the decision to no longer use the term "Primary" with one another. She brought this up with him and said that he and I were acting as Primarys and that it had turned more into a co-primary situation. She was not sure this was what she wanted and she also felt (for many reasons unrelated to my relationship with him) that their relationship had changed in the past months such that the language of "primary" no longer accurately described their relationship. There was also a factor of her wanting more freedoms to seek out new partners.

After much renegotiatation between them they have begun to figure out what there relationship will become from now on. At the moment things are still getting figured out but they have stepped back a bit.

He asked me if "Primary" was a term I wanted to use with my relationship with him.

I don't know if it is. I think it is? I'm not sure. I don't know what he means and when I asked him I get some mixed answers. I see potential for a long term comitted relationship with him. But I also have another partner. I don't know how she would feel about this change and I don't know what to do if she is for it or against it. Jason has spoke of such language making it easier for the power exchange we engage in to grow. But then what of Sarah? I am also in a power exchange relationship with her.

I was generally of the mindset that I don't like primary/secondary language. I don't see my relationship as Sarah as less then my relationship with Jason. To me they are equally important to me. That said I have given more control to Jason than I have to Sarah because that is just how out relationships have grown. I could see a co primary situation with them but I do not know if either wants that.

I see "primary" as intent for long term commitment, potentially living together and whatnot. In that sense I do see Jason in that light. However I also know he had so many plans with Beni and now that their relationship is in flux I feel a bit nervous. When he said he wanted to use that language with me I felt special.

Do you have any suggestions on bring this up with Sarah? I don't want her to feel forced into a situation she is not comfortable with (like Beni had expressed), and her input on this matter means alot to me.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? How did the shift in language affect your relationship?

What does the word "Primary" means to you? Do you think definition of this term is important? Or is ambiguity okay? Are there benefits you have found to using this language?

Are there questions I should be asking that I am not thinking of?
 
My partners are coprimaries. I basically consider a primary as someone I am entangled with such as living with. Primary to me basically means to me that I am with them the bulk of my free time
 
If you consider your boyfriend a coprimary that doesn't really have anything to do with your girlfriend, it's really just a label and should not affect her otherwise.
 
To me, primary does carry the connotation that that partner is more important than any other. Personally I refuse to call Hubby my primary, even though at one point he tried to persuade me to. He's my husband and the partner with whom I live, but that doesn't make him more important than, say, Boots. It just means he has involvement in more aspects of my life.
 
Jon and I will use primary if pressed by someone who is looking for an easy understanding, but for us using that word in no way implies that we would potentially have another partner who is just as important. When he was dating Lora, Lora and I were technically his coprimaries, though none of us actually felt comfortable with that language. It's was just easier to use those words sometimes with people who don't get it.

If I were to use it (or hear it), I think primary means that there is significant, long-term life entanglement, and that the primary person may have a higher degree of input into a person's life than any other partner. That said, I would pay more attention to what each partner says about that than my preconceived notions.

I would also equate primary language with BDSM terminology, in terms of how it can feel very personal, even to those peripherally involved. Jon had a BDSM relationship with his ex, Lora, and he also has one with me. Lora and I each called Jon a different term and he called us each a different term (let's say one set used "Sir/Slut" and the other used "Dom/Pet". None of us would have been comfortable with those words overlapping. I think in part because we had evolved very different BDSM relationships, with enough different parts to them that using the same words would have felt confusing and jarring. On my end also, two non-BDSM relationships in my life will have far more in common than two BDSM relationships. My non BDSM relationships will all have mutual respect, a strong desire and careful self-monitoring to make sure that I don't try to control the actions of the other person, and I'll expect that we fight fairly (no name calling, bringing up past issues, trying to manipulate each other). My BDSM relationships can be all over the map, especially since I'm a switch.

I'm bringing all this up in part to say that the places where we find language to be painful or fraught with meaning can come from anywhere. If you're worried about your partner's reaction to it (and I can understand that. much as I never want to control a partner, I do believe that words have meaning, and I would hope any partner of mine would have patience with me, if I struggled with some of the words that my metamour wanted to use with my partner), can you talk about how you're talking about it? It sounds like you haven't deciding anything, so it could be fair to say "hey, Meta asked how I felt if he called me his primary. How do you feel about that?". I would stress that nothing is carved in stone (if it wasn't) and see if you could talk through all the feelings there and see what you learn about each other.

I've personally see friends who thought they had really passionate feelings about the Big P Word realize (when in a particular relationship) that it actually wasn't a big deal. And vice versa.

You won't know until you ask, and hopefully asking will lead to some good conversations for everybody involved, about the feelings that you all associate certain words with and how to handle them.
 
I was generally of the mindset that I don't like primary/secondary language.
Click to expand...

Then don't use it. Could tell Jason he can consider you his primary if he wants in his head, but you don't want to be using that language. To you Jason and Sarah are equally important.

Do you have any suggestions on bring this up with Sarah?
Click to expand...

This is stuff happening on Jason's end of things. Why does Sarah have to know what Jason wants to call you? He could call you Snugglebunny -- how does that impact what you share with Sarah any? :confused:

I don't want her to feel forced into a situation she is not comfortable with (like Beni had expressed), and her input on this matter means alot to me.
Click to expand...

If you want to ask her for her input? Then just ask.

"Jason wants to start calling me his primary. I'm not really into language like that but I liked how special it made me feel. I'm thinking about telling him sure even though it isn't my usual thing. What do you think? How do you feel about it? Would it bother you? "

Just be straight up.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? How did the shift in language affect your relationship? What does the word "Primary" means to you? Do you think definition of this term is important? Or is ambiguity okay? Are there benefits you have found to using this language? Are there questions I should be asking that I am not thinking of?
Click to expand...

To be honest, I think you are over thinking it a little bit.

Since you want to know... just ask her if she's comfortable with it or not. Then you make your choice after having checked in with all your people. In the end, it is YOUR choice to make.

I don't use language like that... but to me? Primary-secondary is NOT about the people's value. Like a secondary is not as important or as valuable to me as a primary. It's about their role in my life and how much time I can spend with them. For example in an LDR...That would be secondary to me. I can't see them as often or as long because they live far away. They are still just as important and valuable to me as people, but let's be real here. If they live several states away, I can't just call up and pop by after work, can I?

You seem to be worrying about how Sarah will feel about it -- so just ask her how she DOES feel about. Then you can know.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I also do not like to use labels such as 'primary', 'co-primary', 'secondary' because I find them to be limiting. Instead, I prefer to allow my relationship(s) to evolve organically. That said, when I was new to poly, and new to my relationship with my current partner, Blue, I considered his other gf (now ex-gf) to be his primary relationship because they spent more time together and practically lived together and were dating longer than he & I were at the time (now he & I have been dating longer than they dated.) She also used the term primary for herself. Blue did not use the word. After they broke up, our relationship evolved, as relationships will. Now, we're planning to officially move in together in the nearish future. We also have long-term plans and intentions, including a commitment ceremony. I still don't use the term primary for our relationship though, because I recognize that either of us could (hopefully will!) find another relationship that will be similarly important to us.

That said, I don't like ambiguity either. There's nothing ambiguous about my relationship with Blue or our intentions with one another. We just may choose to have similar relationships with other people and similar intentions with said people :)
 
Last edited:
I just use it as a descriptor especially because monogamous people just assume my boyfriend is a secondary and less Important and I want to make it clear that he is equal to my husband
 
I think in some instances - "primary" gives the illusion of security. Which is kind of funny (maybe not so funny, really..) because there isn't anything in life that is actually secure. To me, security kind of goes hand in hand with trying to control the outcome of a relationship. Almost like self sacrificing for the sake of your relationship instead of just being authentically what you're supposed to be for however long you're supposed to be together. A label isn't going to insure a long relationship, nor will it insure a happier one. It's just a label. If you're not entirely comfortable with it - at this point you can't just say yes... it's not an authentic or enthusiastic yes. I'm not a fan of hierarchical set-ups in general. They box in and compartmentalize... which is definitely not my cup of tea :D

I'm a huge fan of radical honesty paired with some good ol non-violent communication. If you have concerns, voice them to your partners with an open heart and no expectations. <3
 
dandyandy said:
A label isn't going to insure a long relationship, nor will it insure a happier one.
Click to expand...

This is exceptionally astute.

Likewise, I would never, ever call myself or think of myself as "secondary" or even worse, "a secondary." I assume that anyone who is spending time with me in any way is just enjoying my company - that's it. I don't get the prioritization mind set. I don't ever run into a situation in which I have to "prioritize" or rank my friends, so why would I need to with lovers? My experience is that the more open you are to love, the more you allow love to flow through your heart, the less guarded you need to be with people in general, the more you see that love doesn't need to be wrangled and managed. Love is everywhere and experiencing it is a matter of opening to it, not receiving it in prescribed doses from this or that person.
 
Last edited:
It seems to me that what is important is not the label, but that everyone is on the same page about the nature of each relationship. So to my mind, if you feel you are on a potential moving in type relationship trajectory with Jason, this is what I would think is most important to convey to Sarah. It makes sense to me that you love them both, and wouldn't want to place your loving feelings on a hierarchy, but it does sound like you are thinking differently about your two relationships in terms of 'potential for degree of life entanglement' or something like that. If you actually think you could possibly want something like that with BOTH of them, then you also need to bring that up and figure out if cohabitation in the future is a possibility for either of them, or if you'd be up for having multiple places to call home with each partner.

Personally, I've found myself using terms like primary or secondary as a shorthand to reflect that elusive concept of life entanglement. It's a habit I'm trying to fall out of because I think it's become problematic: when someone else describes one of their partners as primary I tend to ask them what that means, and I always seem to get a different answer, so clearly it's a muddy concept for most of us. Terms like 'life partner' or live-in partner' aren't great either, as they also come with cognitive baggage that needs unpacking. For instance I might be up for multiple life partners (people who will always be around, even when I'm a wrinkly old lady) but I'm not sure I want another live-in partner, at least at this stage in my life. So no matter what label you use, you are always going to have to unpick it with the people you're involved with.

It's not easy, especially since feelings change over time. In your shoes, I would resist making strong proclamations right now. Maybe just check in with Jason about what he means when he uses that term, check your feelings on that, and update Sarah if that functionally changes anything? If you want to spend more time with him now he is freer, and that means your availability for Sarah is likely to be reduced, then that's a functional change that it would be good to discuss, so she doesn't interpret as a loss of interest in her.
 
Hi Jay,
I was wondering if you had any updates on your situation.

The word "primary" means different things to different people. To some it means, "more involved." To others it means, "more important." And there can be other meanings.

In your case I am tempted to advise you to avoid primary/secondary labels, because they seem to be so complicated and emotionally charged. I am a fan of keeping relationships simple, whenever possible.

That aside, I think the advice you've received in the other posts is good. Don't be afraid to discuss the situation with Sarah and ask how she feels.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
First off I want to thank everyone for their responses. I found them very helpful and it gave me a lot to think about.

So I spoke with Jason yesterday about this. We spoke a lot about what "primary" meant to us and working to get on the same page. In summary, for me there is a lot of future-life-entanglement meaning to the word. And with where we are in life, and having only been dating for 6 months, those future plans are not there and thus I do not feel the word is appropriate. However I did express that that's something I would be open to. I have not talked to Sarah about this but I do not think that at this point it is necessary... Do you think I could be wrong about that?

Jason is also renegotiating his relationship with his other partner right now, who used to be his primary, so I also want him to be on a bit more solid ground with that one way or another before other big changes happen.

Another issue that popped up in the conversation was "How will my power exchange relationship with Sarah interact with my PE relationship with Jason-- particularly when Jason moves back?" I think this concern may have been what prompted the discussion of primary language- I think that in some ways that would act as a safety blanket (I was not comfortable with that use of the language).

This is a conversation I had begun to have with Sarah, and now Jason as well. But I think its something we need to speak with as the 3 of us. So plans will be made for that in the future. I think the general consensus is to try and keep the two as separate as possible and since my dynamics with them are very different this should be possible. But will have its own challenges.

I think I may have been overthinking this a bit- then again I am very good at worrying. But I really do appreciate all the feedback.
 
If you've told Jason you're willing to move toward a longer-term relationship, one in which you might take on a more "primary" (for want of a better word) role, it might be good to speak with Sarah if it's something that would affect your relationship with her. For example, if you'll be spending more time with Jason.

My personal preference is to keep my partners informed of any big changes or important news about my other relationship, especially if it involves a schedule change or something along those lines, and I prefer to be kept informed now that I'm involved with someone who has another partner. But I admit I tend to overshare, and to get twitchy if I don't know things. It's up to you whether you think Sarah should know that you've had this discussion with Jason.
 
KC43 said:
If you've told Jason you're willing to move toward a longer-term relationship, one in which you might take on a more "primary" (for want of a better word) role, it might be good to speak with Sarah if it's something that would affect your relationship with her. For example, if you'll be spending more time with Jason.
Click to expand...


You make a good point. I probably should talk to Sarah about it. At least to some degree. I do see potential for things with Sarah to work out long term too. But there are alot of other factors to consider with both of them outside of the relationship. Namely I'm a college student.

Right now I see those as changes (towards primary language/furture planing) as things more appropriate to discuss 6mos-1yr in the furture of either relationship. Me and Sarah have not talked about the future of our relationship and really neither have me and Jason. Jason as expressed that that may be something he wants and I have expressed that I see that as a possibility but its nothing more concrete than that. I am a college student. So where I go after I graduate will be highly dependent on work and possibilities in that regard... I don't know what my graduation would mean for my relationships. That's such a big step and its still 2 years away... The reason none of us have spoken about that sort of future things is that it's just too up in the air. I've been with them for 6 months now. So I think at this point talking about it would be somewhat pointless.

I don't know what graduating will mean. I don't know where I will be able to find work. I don't know if I will be able to stay here, although i would like to, maybe. I don't know if either would be able to or desire to relocate with me. There are just too many possibilities.

Does that put my choice in a better perspective?

As for time allocation I would like to see them both fairly evenly. Right now I'm long distance with Jason but I'm essentially living with Sarah. Prior to Jason monving away he essentially lived with me and I saw Sarah twice a week. When he gets back though the current plan we have talked about is to split my time between them rather evenly.
 
Even though you aren't able to plan things out long term because of your current life situation (being in college, not sure where you're going after graduation), I think it might benefit you and your partners to discuss the possibilities and narrow them down. You're right; you're young, and you have a lot coming up, so it is difficult to see where things will go. But sometimes having too many possibilities is worse than not having any.

Are you willing to transition into a more primary role in Jason's life, even if you don't use that terminology? Is Jason willing to have that happen?

Are you willing to transition into that type of role in Sarah's life? Is Sarah willing to have that happen?

If your relationship with either or both partners progresses, are you willing to consider staying in your current area after graduation? What would make it easier for you to do that? What would make you unwilling to do that?

Etc.... Obviously you don't have to plan everything out completely or exactly right now. Even if you wanted to, no one can predict the future and you have a lot of variables to take into account. But I think it might be helpful for you and your partners to at least pare down the possibilities and sort them into "I'm willing to consider this happening" and "Nope, not a chance."
 
Wanted to also second the idea of talking about a rough idea of where things could go, even if it's up in the air now. In my relationship experience, it's typically been a really good idea to check in every few months with a conversation like that, just to make sure everybody is on the same page.

I'm not sure if this would be relevant for you, but I've found that specifically talking about where things WON'T be going is nearly as important as talking about where they MIGHT go. I was dating a person one for nearly six months, and although the relationship was getting increasingly serious, I didn't realize that the other person 100% did not see me as a serious, long-term partner. By the time I found that out, I'd already developed deep enough feelings for the person that it was healthier for me to exit the relationship entirely, versus to try "manage my feelings down".

I know that's totally not your situation, and I don't know what kind of talks you've had, but if you (or your partners) have any idea of what you WOULDN'T be willing to do (like if they're absolutely not willing to move where you might end up, or vice versa), it's good to have that out in the open.

I hope your talks with them continue to be fruitful!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top