Cheating vs. Polyamory
- Thread starter abnormal
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Bobbi
Well-known member
Cheating is done behind your back without your consent. It's a betrayal.
With polyamory, all parties know and consent.
If you consent to being in a polyamorous relationship, that means both you and your SO can have other romantic relationships. It means you both know about the other relationships you each are having, and those people also know about all of the relationships.
If this isn't happening in any part, then most poly people would consider it cheating.
For me, cheating isn't about sleeping with or loving others, it's about hiding it, the deception, the lies.
If you don't consent, and he does it anyway behind your back, it's cheating. The relationship should end if you cannot agree on this principle. If you don't want it and he does, then you are not compatible.
With polyamory, all parties know and consent.
If you consent to being in a polyamorous relationship, that means both you and your SO can have other romantic relationships. It means you both know about the other relationships you each are having, and those people also know about all of the relationships.
If this isn't happening in any part, then most poly people would consider it cheating.
For me, cheating isn't about sleeping with or loving others, it's about hiding it, the deception, the lies.
If you don't consent, and he does it anyway behind your back, it's cheating. The relationship should end if you cannot agree on this principle. If you don't want it and he does, then you are not compatible.
Hi abnormal,
Cheating is when you get (romantically and/or) sexually involved with someone new without your original partner's (knowledge and) consent. There is such a thing as cheating out in the open, which is when your original partner doesn't want you to be involved with someone else but you involve yourself with them anyway. You then have knowledge (your original partner knows about it), but not consent (your original partner has asked you not to do it but you do it anyway).
Polyamory is when you have (knowledge and) mutual consent by all of the involved parties. This means your original partner knows about your involvement with someone new, and consents to that new relationship.
I hope this answers your questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Cheating is when you get (romantically and/or) sexually involved with someone new without your original partner's (knowledge and) consent. There is such a thing as cheating out in the open, which is when your original partner doesn't want you to be involved with someone else but you involve yourself with them anyway. You then have knowledge (your original partner knows about it), but not consent (your original partner has asked you not to do it but you do it anyway).
Polyamory is when you have (knowledge and) mutual consent by all of the involved parties. This means your original partner knows about your involvement with someone new, and consents to that new relationship.
I hope this answers your questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
abnormal
Member
See? That's what I thought. Somebody I know thinks he's poly. But all he was doing was cheating. He's monogamous. He just cheated.
Also, even if he is poly, I feel like it's rude to come out so close after another person does. Don't steal their thunder.
Consenting, ethical polyamory means all persons involved know ahead of time and consent to participate in whatever poly grouping those people want to be in (ex: a poly V).
Some people just cheat.
Polyamory isn't anything special. It's not magic. There can be people who cheat on their poly agreements too. Same with swinging agreements, kink agreements, friendships, etc.
You draw the line where YOU feel like drawing it. It is your personal ethics. If you don't want to date a cheater, don't.
Who is this? Another person? Would you please be willing to use fake names? You know who all these "he's" are -- but readers do not. Even generic color names will do.
Here? He is NOT monogamous. He's a cheater.
It would have been more honest to tell the person, "I don't want monogamy. I also don't cheat on my agreements. So I'm not promising that."
OR
"This agreement no longer works for me. I'm making you aware that from this point on, I won't be keeping it." The person might be disappointed hearing this news, but then he isn't cheating on any agreements. He ended them.
Instead, he told whoever that he promises/agrees to practice monogamy, and then cheated on agreements.
Some cheaters sometimes want to wave the polyamory brush at it to assuage their guilt, or something.
Like, Red is dating Blue, but started a cheating affair with Orange on the side. All of a sudden, Red wants to do polyamory and talk Blue into it. Lo! They start dating Orange and just leave out the fact that this person was someone they were ALREADY involved with, cuz it's okay now, right? Since it's poly now? Why upset everyone for nothing?
Hint: It's NOT okay to deceive with the original cheating affair. And if Red left out pertinent info, Blue can't give fully informed consent to change to poly. It's just another new deception from Red.
The third deception might be Red lying to themself about, "Not saying anything, to spare Blue's feelings," so they can think of themselves as "generous" or "a nice person." But really, it's Red keeping it quiet because it benefits Red.
Who are you talking about here? The BF you date that told you he's poly? Why's that stealing your thunder, if you realized you are basically poly, dating your BF and your FWB, you just never knew the name for it? They are in the poly system WITH you.
Galagirl
Some people just cheat.
Polyamory isn't anything special. It's not magic. There can be people who cheat on their poly agreements too. Same with swinging agreements, kink agreements, friendships, etc.
You draw the line where YOU feel like drawing it. It is your personal ethics. If you don't want to date a cheater, don't.
Who is this? Another person? Would you please be willing to use fake names? You know who all these "he's" are -- but readers do not. Even generic color names will do.
Here? He is NOT monogamous. He's a cheater.
It would have been more honest to tell the person, "I don't want monogamy. I also don't cheat on my agreements. So I'm not promising that."
OR
"This agreement no longer works for me. I'm making you aware that from this point on, I won't be keeping it." The person might be disappointed hearing this news, but then he isn't cheating on any agreements. He ended them.
Instead, he told whoever that he promises/agrees to practice monogamy, and then cheated on agreements.
Some cheaters sometimes want to wave the polyamory brush at it to assuage their guilt, or something.
Like, Red is dating Blue, but started a cheating affair with Orange on the side. All of a sudden, Red wants to do polyamory and talk Blue into it. Lo! They start dating Orange and just leave out the fact that this person was someone they were ALREADY involved with, cuz it's okay now, right? Since it's poly now? Why upset everyone for nothing?
Hint: It's NOT okay to deceive with the original cheating affair. And if Red left out pertinent info, Blue can't give fully informed consent to change to poly. It's just another new deception from Red.
The third deception might be Red lying to themself about, "Not saying anything, to spare Blue's feelings," so they can think of themselves as "generous" or "a nice person." But really, it's Red keeping it quiet because it benefits Red.
Who are you talking about here? The BF you date that told you he's poly? Why's that stealing your thunder, if you realized you are basically poly, dating your BF and your FWB, you just never knew the name for it? They are in the poly system WITH you.
Galagirl
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