Checking all the boxes

V

Vicki82

Active member
How do you really figure out if a relationship is missing elements that you need and you're settling, or if it's satisfying on its own level given that no one is perfect?

I guess, given my history, I am struggling. I've dated several men as secondaries who could give me most of what I wanted, just missing one or two things. And I'm starting to wonder if I'm settling, or if I am seeking perfection where it's not necessary since I do have a husband at home as well as some casual partners.

I would really appreciate it if maybe people could read back a couple of posts in my blog (link in signature) and give me some advice? I'm having some trouble figuring this one out and don't want to type it all out again.
 
There is no reason or reality in someone having to meet all your needs, especially when you are poly. None of my friends meet all of my needs nor do family members or my wife. So why should a second or third romantic partner? I highly doubt you are meeting all of their needs. I see that you describe yourself as a dominant, I equate that with fragile ego and self centeredness from past dealings and readings in the bdsm community. You're not settling just enjoy what you have.
 
my poly therapist says there are areas of romantic needs. Affection, Sexual, Financial, Emotional, and Sexual. You can write out for yourself hhow each partner meets any of those needs, and what you are feeling youre lacking and how you can get it. One person is unlikely to fufill ALL of those at the same time, that's a big part of the reason i'm poly.

Take me for example, Im a huge attention whore. I cant demand my boys are always fawning over me, talking to me, texting me etc. When I feel needed, I talked to a friend. or Journal. Or...come on here. lol
 
Honestly I never looked at my initial relationship and check boxed it.

I did look at how I engage in other interpersonal relationships and realized I really wanted to have sex with more than one woman for the rest of my life. We hit obvious low spots in the sex department, but that didn't initiate my non-monogamy.

Poly just layered on top of that because of the sex after many years of non-monogamy.

I am also far more clear about my needs vs wants. I don't NEED someone to be outdoor and adventurous with me, but it would be cool if they were. I don't NEED someone who likes "insert sexual act" with me. I have a vivid fantasy and can survive without said act.

I do need love, affection, someone to be my partner, someone to be my lover. Those are things I need out of a romantic relationship.

I guess if I were trying to fill a sheet with checkboxes, I wouldn't be poly.. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who fill other roles.
 
graviton said:
I see that you describe yourself as a dominant, I equate that with fragile ego and self centeredness from past dealings and readings in the bdsm community.
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<snip>. That was not only rude but uncalled for.

I'm sorry you have had shitty dealings in the bdsm community but that does not give you the right to make assumptions about me. I could just as easily say that I think people who post on message boards are rude and obnoxious due to past experience and I'd be way out of line. So what makes you think that your comment could possibly be appropriate?

Ariakas, I am both non monogamous and polyamorous. I enjoy casual sex, but I also really enjoy relationships. I have pretty much the whole package with my husband, minus the D/s. It's felt like in my past relationships with my lovers that I've always been missing something, too. So I don't know.
 
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Vicki82 said:
Ariakas, I am both non monogamous and polyamorous. I enjoy casual sex, but I also really enjoy relationships. I have pretty much the whole package with my husband, minus the D/s. It's felt like in my past relationships with my lovers that I've always been missing something, too. So I don't know.
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This statement wont be meant as an insult. Simply an offering of introspection.

They say bored people are boring...

The statement simple implies that maybe you need to look into yourself to find whats missing? Not an external source

That sounds all zen of me, which I doesn't fit my personality, but it is something I believe. You have tried the external source, maybe you need to do some checklists for your own happiness.

I see that you describe yourself as a dominant, I equate that with fragile ego and self centeredness from past dealings and readings in the bdsm community.
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Rude and insulting.. and likely wrong.. I have met many dominants who do not have fragile egos or suffer with self centeredness in fact it is usually the opposite (not to say there aren't doucey doms). Being a dom has little to do with the dom, and more to do with the sub, so please go back and continue reading or experiment a little. Your opinion is lacking in fact and built around fiction
 
No, I hear what you mean there. I'm not bored in my relationships. The last one was missing the D/s, so I struggled with that because it's something I need in my secondary relationships since I don't have it in my marriage. This one, I'm missing the sex since my partner has a medical condition.

I am not sure that's quite the same thing as you were getting at... I can't solve those things within myself.
 
Thats relatively common for someone who identifies with BDSM.

Partner a - vanilla
partner b - bdsm only without the other intimacy
partner c - casual sex

Its tough to find someone who fits all the bills, start subdividing the bdsm world further and you have a mess. I am dominant & sadist and my gf and wife are submissive. But my type of dominance doesn't really suit either. My sadism suits my wife but not my gf.

All of that said, I don't tend to look at what I am missing. I feel satisfaction with what I have. But.. I can't relate to a partner who can't have sex. Thats a TOUGH thing. Sex is so intertwined to how most people connect. That may be a gap that can't just get filled by a checkbox :)
 
So, I understand you want advice considering your partner's impotence. My thoughts: It has only been one month!! He says it takes time for him to warm up with a partner - then give him the time! I doubt the doctor will be of much help in this. Some men are like that, they just need to warm up for the partner and feel safe with them in order to perform.

You say the tricks he has used before have not worked with you. I doubt it was the tricks that worked before, it was the patience of the partner. Now this is a big deal for you, you worry about it, he worries about it -- it is a vicious circle. My guess is that the more you put emphasis on the PIV sex, the less likely he is ever to be able to perform with you. He is not feeling emotionally safe with you, so no hard-ons in your company. Could be as simple as that.

If you two manage to take the stress out of the sex, the problem might just go away.
 
Nadya said:
So, I understand you want advice considering your partner's impotence. My thoughts: It has only been one month!! He says it takes time for him to warm up with a partner - then give him the time! I doubt the doctor will be of much help in this. Some men are like that, they just need to warm up for the partner and feel safe with them in order to perform.

You say the tricks he has used before have not worked with you. I doubt it was the tricks that worked before, it was the patience of the partner. Now this is a big deal for you, you worry about it, he worries about it -- it is a vicious circle. My guess is that the more you put emphasis on the PIV sex, the less likely he is ever to be able to perform with you. He is not feeling emotionally safe with you, so no hard-ons in your company. Could be as simple as that.

If you two manage to take the stress out of the sex, the problem might just go away.
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*shrugs* I think a month is a pretty long time for adults to have sex, frankly. So I don't think that I've been out of line by being surprised.

He tells me that he doesn't feel pressured, and I know he trusts me and feels safe with me because we do BDSM. I hurt him and degrade him. We wouldn't do these things without trust.

PolyinPractice, I date my BDSM partners. For me the intimacy of BDSM is something I want with a lover.
 
Vicki82 said:
*shrugs* I think a month is a pretty long time for adults to have sex, frankly. So I don't think that I've been out of line by being surprised.
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To me, one month does not sound a long time, if a man is known to have impotence issues in the beginning of a relationship. You have all the right to be surprised, though. It never happened to you before. All I am trying to say is that it does not need to stay like this forever, if you choose to continue the relationship.

Vicki82 said:
He tells me that he doesn't feel pressured, and I know he trusts me and feels safe with me because we do BDSM. I hurt him and degrade him. We wouldn't do these things without trust.
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Yes, BDSM requires trust, and I do believe you have trust between you two. But, there are different kinds of trust. Now, I understood of these posts here that you are seriously considering ending this relationship because of the difficulties in sex - please correct me if I am wrong. This lead me to think that he might not feel safe - about the future of your relationship. That kind of stress is well enough to prolong the impotence issue.
 
PolyinPractice said:
That's not polyamorous. It's "poly" if by poly you mean large number of partners....
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Partner C wouldn't be poly, it would be non-monogamous. This post was partially taken from her posts above where casual sex is part of her spectrum of non-monogamy.

You can have loving poly relationships without intimacy (or typical forms of traditional intimacy). What I described can be inclusive of poly but not limited to poly.
 
Nadya said:
To me, one month does not sound a long time, if a man is known to have impotence issues in the beginning of a relationship. You have all the right to be surprised, though. It never happened to you before. All I am trying to say is that it does not need to stay like this forever, if you choose to continue the relationship.



Yes, BDSM requires trust, and I do believe you have trust between you two. But, there are different kinds of trust. Now, I understood of these posts here that you are seriously considering ending this relationship because of the difficulties in sex - please correct me if I am wrong. This lead me to think that he might not feel safe - about the future of your relationship. That kind of stress is well enough to prolong the impotence issue.
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Okay, you have a point there. He did mention last time we were together that he was concerned I'd break up with him because of the lack of PIV, and because he knows I have a very high sex drive and his is lower. We're still having sexual contact but I am missing the connection I get from intercourse in a relationship. I told him not to worry about that and let's just enjoy our time together. After all he is trying to fix the problem.

I have tried really hard to make it not a big deal. He did get an erection with me once, but as soon as he put a condom on he lost it. I told him if he thinks the condoms will be part of the problem I'd consider going bareback after STD testing and making some agreements about fluid bonding.

He's only 28 years old, so no, I hadn't expected this at all. I've never met a man who didn't get hard from a blow job. It's been hard on me, too. It makes me feel like he's not attracted to me even though he assures me that he is. I haven't voiced that one because I know it's my issue.
 
Vicki82 said:
Okay, you have a point there. He did mention last time we were together that he was concerned I'd break up with him because of the lack of PIV, and because he knows I have a very high sex drive and his is lower. We're still having sexual contact but I am missing the connection I get from intercourse in a relationship. I told him not to worry about that and let's just enjoy our time together. After all he is trying to fix the problem.

I have tried really hard to make it not a big deal. He did get an erection with me once, but as soon as he put a condom on he lost it. I told him if he thinks the condoms will be part of the problem I'd consider going bareback after STD testing and making some agreements about fluid bonding.

He's only 28 years old, so no, I hadn't expected this at all. I've never met a man who didn't get hard from a blow job. It's been hard on me, too. It makes me feel like he's not attracted to me even though he assures me that he is. I haven't voiced that one because I know it's my issue.
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My partner had some issues too...with us, it seemed to be the condoms combined with other issues. Through talks with my spouse, and both having clean testing, we decided to go bareback and its been so much better.
 
I read some of your journal entries. I still end up here...

How do you really figure out if a relationship is missing elements that you need and you're settling, or if it's satisfying on its own level given that no one is perfect?
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Are you able to articulate what is you need so your partner can try to meet it and you both can measure if it is being done or not?

Have you asked for it from the partner in question -- ask if they are willing to meet your request? Or are you wanting mind readering or to not have to ask... So "settle" for whatever?

Are you able to articulate what is "missing?" What are your deal breakers? What you can be flexible on?

Is there action behavior being done/not done by the partner in question that you would like to see change? Are they aware?

What causes you to be thinking this at this time:

I'm starting to wonder if I'm settling, or if I am seeking perfection where it's not necessary since I do have a husband at home as well as some casual partners.
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What is it that you are looking for in a partner?

Galagirl :confused:
 
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Vicki82 said:
I have tried really hard to make it not a big deal
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I get that it's not your *intention* to put pressure on him about this. But if you look at the language you are using it is highly unlikely that he is not picking up that this is a MONUMENTAL problem for you. Just re-read your posts and pick out the clearly negative language.

1. It's abnormal "I think a month is a pretty long time for adults to have sex, frankly"
2. It's abnormal "he's only 28 years old"
3. It's abnormal "I've never met a man who didn't get hard from a bj"
4. It's causing harm "makes me feel like he's not attracted to me"
5. It's a "problem"​

An earlier poster asked if you could turn your view of what is happening inward instead of seeking solutions from your partners. I would second this suggestion and focus squarely on your expectations and whether or not they are reasonable and realistic.

On the other hand if PIV is mandatory for you to feel close to a person then put this poor guy out of his misery.
 
GalaGirl said:
I read some of your journal entries. I still end up here...



Are you able to articulate what is you need? Have you asked for it from the partner in question -- if they are willing to meet the need?

Are you able to articulate what is "missing?"

Is it action behavior done/not done by the partner in question that you would like?

What causes you to be thinking this at this time:



What is it that you are looking for in a partner?

Galagirl :confused:
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Yes. I know pretty much exactly what I want from a secondary partner. I want someone who will enjoy a D/s relationship with me that we structure to suit ourselves, who wants an emotional and physical relationship that includes vanilla as well as BDSM, who I enjoy talking to and spending time with, and having hot sex with. J and I have a contract outlining how we want our relationship to go and so far we're both very happy with it.

Right now, it's only the last item that I'm having problems with. We are having sex in other forms, but I'm missing PIV. I am aware that my sex drive is much higher than his and that he's fine with me engaging with other partners. I don't think that it's frequency that's the problem since I'm still here, but it's the intimacy of it that I'm really craving.

So yes, we've had a discussion about it. We tried buying a cock ring. We tried having him cease masturbating. I haven't asked him to try and have sex for a couple of weeks now, we've just enjoyed each other's company physically.

He has made an appointment at an STD clinic to get tested, and has to get a new health card to book a physical and get a referral to a doctor who can help him. No ETA there, it could take a while.

So it's not the communication that's the problem... it's me wondering if this is something I should be supportive of since I care about him, or if I should try and find someone who fits the whole package of my needs.

Marcus said:
I get that it's not your *intention* to put pressure on him about this. But if you look at the language you are using it is highly unlikely that he is not picking up that this is a MONUMENTAL problem for you. Just re-read your posts and pick out the clearly negative language.

1. It's abnormal "I think a month is a pretty long time for adults to have sex, frankly"
2. It's abnormal "he's only 28 years old"
3. It's abnormal "I've never met a man who didn't get hard from a bj"
4. It's causing harm "makes me feel like he's not attracted to me"
5. It's a "problem"​

An earlier poster asked if you could turn your view of what is happening inward instead of seeking solutions from your partners. I would second this suggestion and focus squarely on your expectations and whether or not they are reasonable and realistic.

On the other hand if PIV is mandatory for you to feel close to a person then put this poor guy out of his misery.
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You're right. This is something that is important to me, and I'm sure he knows that. I'm honestly not sure how to handle myself because I've never found myself in this situation. I guess I've always pictured it getting resolved in some way. If I found out he could NEVER have PIV... I don't know how I'd feel. I've been trying to take it one day at a time.

I don't know if my expectations are reasonable or realistic. I never imagined not being able to have sex with a partner. I don't want to break up with him because I really like him and I care about him. But yes, something is missing for me.
 
Well.... If it is penis in vagina sex in general that you want, you have other partners.

If it is his erect penis specifically that you want him to use when stimulating your vulva/vagina and you aren't open to face to face sex with fingers, fisting or toys penetrating instead of penis? Or intimacy with other kinds of sex share?

It is your call. He can seek medical attention but if his health limits erections then it is what it is. Limit reached. The price of admission to date him is accepting him as he is.

Only you can decide if "not able to PIV" is a deal breaker or not for you. If it is it seems kinder to end it sooner rather than later.

Galagirl
 
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