"Closeted" Poly Wife

Polypanda89

New member
Hello all! I am woman happily married to an amazing husband... but the more research and soul searching I do, the more I realize that I am indeed poly amorous. I have tried to test the waters in conversations with my husband with some "what if" scenarios and he is very clear on the fact that he is not interested in either of us having relationships outside of our marriage. I love my husband dearly and would never risk my marriage in order to pursue a poly amorous lifestyle, but it is disappointing that his mind isn't open to exploring this. I just wanted to meet some people who could possibly relate to my situation so that I'm not feeling quite so alone in all of this. Thanks for taking the time to read!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings Polypanda89,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm glad you found us, as even though you cannot pursue polyamory, you can still come here, and discuss it with like-minded individuals. Have a look around, explore our various threads and boards, see what calls to you, and post any thoughts, occurrences, and questions you may have. You might find General Poly Discussions an interesting place to start. I hope you learn a lot, and enjoy your stay with us!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

TXretired

Member
Welcome. It took about 1.5 yrs for my wife to understand poly and to be open to it. During that time, I was in a relationship. Now we both are in relationships. She just needed to be in the right place, right time with the right person.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Welcome.

I love my husband dearly and would never risk my marriage in order to pursue a poly amorous lifestyle, but it is disappointing that his mind isn't open to exploring this. I just wanted to meet some people who could possibly relate to my situation so that I'm not feeling quite so alone in all of this.

Have you told him that more straight up? Maybe something like...

"Spouse, I need to tell you something. I have come to realize I am polyamorous inside. Now I don't want to open and risk the marriage it pursue other people. Esp since you don't want to.

I do want to be able to share my poly thoughts and feelings with you and not go around bottled up inside. Are you willing to talk to me?


I would like to maybe make some poly friends also. I want to be understood by other people so I'm not feeling so alone in all of this. What do you think?"


Rather than "hinting" I suggest being more clear about what you want. No dating extra people, so it's "Closed enough" for him. But more up front talking, so it becomes more "Open enough" for you so you don't have a part of you "hidden" or something. It sounds like you want to be understood in context.

Galagirl
 

Polypanda89

New member
Welcome.



Have you told him that more straight up? Maybe something like...

"Spouse, I need to tell you something. I have come to realize I am polyamorous inside. Now I don't want to open and risk the marriage it pursue other people. Esp since you don't want to.

I do want to be able to share my poly thoughts and feelings with you and not go around bottled up inside. Are you willing to talk to me?


I would like to maybe make some poly friends also. I want to be understood by other people so I'm not feeling so alone in all of this. What do you think?"


Rather than "hinting" I suggest being more clear about what you want. No dating extra people, so it's "Closed enough" for him. But more up front talking, so it becomes more "Open enough" for you so you don't have a part of you "hidden" or something. It sounds like you want to be understood in context.

Galagirl

Thank you so much for the advice Galagirl. I honestly haven’t thought about approaching it like this. I always felt like if I was really up front with him and said “hey I’m poly amorous” he would think that I wasn’t happy with our marriage or that I would be seeing other people behind his back. I think though that if I explain that if I am not going to risk our marriage and am just wanting to seek out friendship from others like me then he will probably be understanding and supportive.
 

Polypanda89

New member
Welcome. It took about 1.5 yrs for my wife to understand poly and to be open to it. During that time, I was in a relationship. Now we both are in relationships. She just needed to be in the right place, right time with the right person.

TXretired, I honestly don’t think my husband will ever be open to it. I know anything is possible and people can change their minds, but he has a couple of friends in successful/healthy poly relationships and he has always been very negative about it. I’m really happy for you though that your wife is open to it now.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Glad it helps you some.

I always felt like thought if I was really up front with him and said “hey I’m poly amorous” .... he would think that I wasn’t happy with our marriage or that I would be seeing other people behind his back.

I gently suggest using "thought" for things you think and "feel" for emotions you feel. Because one can always change their mind.

If you used to think if you were super honest with spouse that he would go off jumping to conclusions? Well, you can correct him then. You could even say "Now repeat that back in your own words so I know you got it how I meant it." to minimize misunderstandings.

If you are trying to share emotional and mental intimacy with your spouse and let him know about your inner life? And he thinks you are unhappy or frets that going to start cheating? Well, that all could be addressed. Communication issues or trust issues or whatever it is.

I think though that if I explain that if I am not going to risk our marriage and am just wanting to seek out friendship from others like me then he will probably be understanding and supportive.

I would like to think so.

I hope you are able to be more up front and clear with him and that serves you better in communicating with spouse.

Galagirl
 
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