Cohabitation and economic privilege

S

sunray

New member
I'm wondering what people's thoughts are on the interrelationship between economic privilege and the ability to make cohabitation work. I've run into conversations in my local poly group more than once where someone has expressed a positive horror over the idea of living with more than one partner in a situation where not everyone could have a separate bedroom. But when my husband and I were ready to buy a house, let me tell you, the bank sure doesn't look at the income of any extra 'unrelated' people who might or might not be living in your house when they decide how much mortgage you can afford (and thus the size of the house you can buy). So I find that when people express their strong feelings about separate bedrooms, it kind of rubs me the wrong way, like, sure, it's a great idea... if you can afford to do it.

If I'm ever going to pursue a live-in poly family, it will have to be despite constraint, and no, not everyone gets their own bedroom, at least for now. It really doesn't make this idea impossible, just more difficult.

Thoughts?
 
I would have a hard time sharing a bedroom, I need my own space and privacy. My two V companions do share a bedroom, but they also "have" the rest of the house (when they're at home).

I'm a lucky, lucky guy.
 
Where I live it's possible for unrelated people to get separate mortages and buy a house together. The banks don't care how many people live together, as long as everyone is able to pay their share. And also renting a place with more than two inhabitants is perfectly fine and normal, although maybe not super common (except for students, for them it's very very common).
 
I've known homes purchased with 3+ names on the mortgage as well.
 
Love your attitude, Kevin.

Nettle - You bet, on the renting thing. I live in an area with a LOT of colleges, so it's actually super common around here, just not relevant to my current situation.

That's very interesting, AlwaysGrowing -- what state are you in?
 
sunray said:
Love your attitude, Kevin.

Nettle - You bet, on the renting thing. I live in an area with a LOT of colleges, so it's actually super common around here, just not relevant to my current situation.

That's very interesting, AlwaysGrowing -- what state are you in?
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Family of a friend in Indiana have done it (4 people -2 couples- bought a house, unsure if it's all one mortgage or two). Friends in Oregon and coworkers in Washington - those are 3 completely unrelated people purchasing together.
 
Where I live it's actually illegal for unmarried people who have a relationship to live together.

I have a 3BR townhouse, but I can't imagine it holding 3 adults. I guess I'm not cut out for that big poly household thing. Living with someone and having our own bedrooms might be okay.

Okay, I just remembered we have had three adults living here at various times, but they were just roommates that didn't really hang out much.
 
If you don't have money you have to live with someone, so there's certainly more motivation to make it work even with meta's.
Although for me, without the privilege to live alone, it would be still more acceptable to live with either my parents or friends than my metamour.
My own room is a must. If I had to share a room (apart from one trusted partner), I'd escape as soon as possible, probably at the cost of a long commute.
 
OP, you sound agitated. Is your local group uppity about this topic or something?

AlwaysGrowing said:
Friends in Oregon and coworkers in Washington - those are 3 completely unrelated people purchasing together.
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I'm not a home owner, but I can attest that Portland Oregon is fully on board with the idea of roommates. It was strange in Dallas Texas to have a roommate that wasn't your sexual partner. Out here, it's expensive and everyone just assumes you have at least one roommate unless you are *moneyed*.

If at all possible I will always have my own bedroom. For me, space to retreat is a requirement to not be a complete wreck.
 
IME, most people who romanticize "living together" haven't had a roommate since age 22, if ever. :rolleyes:

Actually, sunray, it's a really good question, but you've kinda squished various factors together. A few folk here have addressed some of the considerations; maybe I'll eventually think of something smart to say about others. :)

My friend Nancy bought a five-bedroom house. She asked me & one of her other partners to commit to renting for at least a year, to get her started out. She had plenty of cash saved up for a proper down-payment. As I'd previously had hands-on experience with group-funding a house, she relied on me to give her good footing.

But the idea that it's any sort of "privilege" is not sitting right with me. IMO, "privilege" would be "having enough cash to myself that I could create a household of my chosen friends." I know adults who share a bedroom specifically because of a LACK of privilege: they can't afford anything different at the moment.

But back to financing. No, it's likely NEVER to be allowed to consider "spare" bedrooms as rentable property, a.k.a. income, in getting a mortgage. Doesn't matter whether tenants are at that time unknown strangers, or individuals with whom you frequently exchange various bodily fluids.

If that's important to you, then get a plex. Or adjacent properties. Play the game by its rules, or leave the table.

There's other conderations. While I agree that "having my own room" is important, what happens if that "room" is like 5x8 (a kitchen pantry, perhaps) or a walk-in closet only accessible through someone else's bedroom, or an unfinished basement, or a garage loft, or a finished attic with a four-foot ceiling?
 
My V cohabitates - we bought a house together in January of this year. DarkKnight is the sole mortgage holder, though PunkRock has done almost all of the upgrades and renovations. They each have not only a bedroom, but a second private space as well - DarkKnight has his office, and PunkRock has an art studio (though under construction right now). I have nothing. Rather, I bed hop every other night. I have a desk in DarkKnight's office for paperwork and bill paying, and I will have a table in PunkRock's studio for my crafting. We have a converted garage that a previous owner turned into a paneled den, which is now our game room, but that is used collectively.

There is definite disparity between states and banks - I looked at laws all over the US before deciding we would settle in Maryland. I do consider that a privilege, as my husbands both had jobs that allowed freedom of movement. Not everyone has this as an option, and yes, may have to consider less than ideal options. I have read about poly families creating an LLC so they could own a house together in areas where it would otherwise be difficult to structure a purchase. Thankfully, that wasn't the case with us.
 
Thanks for sharing your story, Bluebird!
 
I cohabitate with my boyfriend and husband in a one bedroom house - we make it work. The house is in my name, I work and take care of the finances. The boys take care of me.:p
 
Every dynamic is different and while I don't think I quite understand "economic privilege" in this context, I do understand that there has to be clear communication from all parties on what they expect in terms of living arrangements.

My house is too small to give everyone their own bedroom and even with three incomes, our budget doesn't permit us to entertain purchasing a larger home for the time being and stay in the same general area in which we live. We're also very comfortable with our housing expenses, which permit a better-than-average other-than-housing budget. All of us are better off living together than we were before, which I believe removes money as a source of contention.

When my boyfriend moved in he understood that we would all be sharing the master suite. Occasionally, either my husband or boyfriend will take the couch - if someone needs to go to bed earlier than the other two. At current, my boyfriend pays rent - which covers his portion of the utilities as well as wear-and-tear from having an additional family member. All of this was clearly outlined before he sold his house and moved in.

If, hypothetically, my boyfriend decided he wanted to build equity in a new home and we were willing to move, I would expect that he'd come up with some kind of down payment to add with our existing equity in order to establish an ownership percentage in future appreciated value + whatever percentage of the new mortgage he was paying. If a member of the household can't contribute to the down payment I see little need to have them on the mortgage. As a large portion of the first few years of a mortgage is paying interest, little equity is built through payments alone - at least to start. Maintenence and Sundry expenses whittle that down even further.

But, if I did agree to such an arrangement, I'd draft a co-ownership agreement that outlined what would happen in the event that someone decided to move out - such as how the buyout amount would be calculated. I'd do so with a real estate lawyer and consulting with my tax pro - of which I am neither.

You can put anybody you want on your mortgage, and as many people as you want. Keep in mind though, your interest rate if you get a loan will be based in part on the person with the lowest credit score (as well as your down payment/LTV).

Renting has some privileges. Renters don't generally pay out of pocket for things like maintenance, improvements or deductibles. They're also more or less able to walk away whenever they like - whereas selling a property carries some risk in terms of current market value if the market sucks or, in the case of a profit on a sale where principle-residence conditions aren't met, capital gains taxes (possible with a short sale).

I wouldn't personally enter into a co-ownership agreement on a property I couldn't afford to maintain on my own, nor would I buy a home with anyone whose credit score raised my rate far beyond that which made financial sense to me. A home is an investment and I'm not that sentimental.
 
The reality of life is that money does solve a number of life's problems. But usually not the ones that really matter.

We live in a moderate cost of living area and I owned a good sized home before I met my partners. The house is large enough to allow each of us plenty of our own private space. It does cut down on some types of conflict to have extra space. But I've been in a huge house with one other person and had plenty of conflict, so that isn't the only factor.

If the s**t hit the fan and the three of us were in a tent together, I'm sure we'd make it work.
 
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