Coming out to myself

A

Artist

New member
I've always shared deep connections with multiple people, which I've always accepted about myself when single but when in a relationship fallen into what someone else wants (mainly because I've liked the person and not wanted to lose what I had)
I've been in a relationship for 8 months and had found myself being drawn to someone else...
The thought of x or z rather than x and z created confusion with in me and led me to deceiving myself and the two others involved... Leading to feeling shame and guilt... I broke out of the relationship I was in... Fortunately my partner is open to discussing a poly relationship...
Is it normal when coming to out to yourself as poly to still feel guilt whilst coming to terms with who you are?
What are peoples thoughts on transference and being poly?
I'm currently learning that there are more than 2 relationships ie friendship and partner and that there are many subdivisions inbetween ie emotional and romantic.

My relationship with my partner is very sexually satisfying but I do have romantic feelings with others. I really enjoy deep intimate connections with others that feel more than platonic, but sometimes I find it hard to describe what it is I'm feeling apart from I really can adore multiple people at once and in equal measure appreciating them for who they are as individuals and enjoying what we bring to each others lives...

I guess I'm jst at a place of needing to accept this about myself so that I can be fully honest with myself and others who I'm sharing various connections with.
 
Artist said:
Is it normal when coming to out to yourself as poly to still feel guilt whilst coming to terms with who you are?
Click to expand...

I think the bulk of what we consider personal shame / guilt is us actually us self censoring ourselves because of societal norms. As social creatures we need our society for survival, therefore we preemptively judge ourselves, knowing that being good little citizens will keep us safe. Which is not the best way to be when going outside of the box of society.
 
Hello Artist,

It is certainly alright to be poly, however we do have a lot of conditioning in our society where we are taught that monogamy is the only good thing. And yes, that it is sinful to be and do polyamory. Hence the guilt you are feeling. I don't have any magic solutions, it's not like you can wave a wand and make the guilt go away, it's just something that you have to power through and it fades a little by little over time. You sound like you are mostly poly, and that is an okay thing to be. Keep reading and posting on this forum, and you will find that many others have been through the same thing.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Artist said:
...
The thought of x or z rather than x and z created confusion with in me and led me to deceiving myself and the two others involved... Leading to feeling shame and guilt...
Click to expand...

Although I have always ID'd as poly (so not a "coming out") - I went through a period of time when I got together with Dude where I was deceiving myself as to what was going on and thereby ended up hurting both he and MrS (as well as myself). (You can read about it in my Journey blog - Jackassery section starts at post 21.)

Learning more about who you are and how you operate can be painful but productive - :rolleyes:, welcome to the discussion!
 
Thank you for the responses.
Its certainly helpful to hear your thoughts and experiences. Me and my ex have reunited and it feels a relief to have been able to be honest and although she is finding some things challenging she is accepting and is supporting me through this and I am open to hearing how she's feel and giving reassurance when needed hat it's not a competition jst an appreciation ofthose I can share a wonderfully beautiful connection with...

I do feel a lot lighter in fully accepting who I am and being able to share that :)
 
Sounds like things are working out for you, that is good to hear. It can be such a relief when we don't have to pretend, when we can let a beautiful feeling for others just be what it is. Carry on!
 
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