Coming out to parents about new gf

H

hellokitty

New member
Hi! I've been dating Jules for nearly 5 years now. I recently started a relationship with another girl, and we've been dating close to 8 months now. Aimee is my first *real* girlfriend, the first one I've had a serious relationship with.

I don't think I'm really necessarily a polyamorous person. I just happen to be in love with two different people. Jules has always been open to me being physical with women. We have shared experiences with women together. It took us off guard when I ended up falling in love with a woman I thought was just a crush. Jules supports us being together and Aimee supports and respects me being with him.

The reason I'm writing all this is I would like to stop hiding her from some of the most important people in my life, my parents. They've had their suspicions in the past, but technically, to them, I'm straight, which is funny, because I'm more gay than straight. But anyway. The point is, they don't even know I like women, so I've been holding off springing that on them, and the fact I have a girlfriend (and a boyfriend) for a while now. I've been waiting to see where things are going with Aimee and me. Now that I know things are serious and we plan on this lasting a lifetime, I think I should let them in on what's going on. I want her to feel included, and not just like "some female friend" of mine.

My parents have become more open-minded in recent years. They have many gay friends, however none in polyamorous relationships, as far as I know. Jules thinks the only problem both our parents will have when finding out is the chance of me hurting him, or ruining things with him. This is a real fear, and nothing can be determined 100%. But we are all happy right now, and I don't want to have to hide it any longer.

Any tips on comin' out?! Thanks. :)
 
Check out some coming out threads. You can find them by doing a search. It's really a personal choice. You know your parents better than anyone. I am 41 and don't tell my parents shit any more. It isn't their business. I am a grown woman and although they raised me, I am WAY past honouring their idea that they are entitled to any info about me. That being said, we get along great with what we have. Like anyone else in life, some people don't have to know everything. It depends on the level of relationship you want to have with them.

(I have many more details in my blog. My coming out sucked. I have good reason to be discreet, and I'm totally happy with that.)
 
Coming out to parents

I have a similar conundrum, but with additional complexity. I'm interested in someday having kids with an OSO, in addition to the kids I already have with my primary. So it's not just an issue of coming out as polyamorous to my parents, it's an issue of introducing my parents to their future grandchildren.

In that case, I'm thinking I'll have to come out and take whatever lumps there may be. I can't deprive a kid of his grandparents, and grandparents of their grandkids. And I'd hope that if they fall in love with their grandchild, then maybe they'd forgive me a little? Maybe. And even if not, as long as they love the kid, then it's worth it. (Psyching myself up for this possibility.)
 
With poly relationships and coming out, it can be good to think about the nature of the relationship you have with an OSO. If it's a pretty stable feature in your life and doesn't plan on going anywhere, it can be good to just say, "Hey look, this is my life and this is how it is."

But if the relationship is still forming, it can be pointless to go through a lot of drama and possibly pain over something that may or may not be around in a few months.

It also depends on how your parents might react. If they are relatively sex positive, gay friendly and openminded, you'll have an easier time, most likely. You know them best. You could always bring up poly in a neutral context to hear what they might think about it... Test the waters, as it were.

Coming out can be good. I know how hard it is to have a relationship in the closet. Since you're not financially dependent, you've got a lot more freedom. Keep us posted.
 
Thanks for the replies. I have attempted getting advice on this from a few different people (from my bf, gf, best friend and another close friend). But I'm still trying to work out in my head how to go about this.

Aimee and I have been together 7-8 months now, and are madly in love, always together. I don't see this ending any time soon. I want her to feel welcome in my family, not have to hide my feelings for her, or worry about being spotted being affectionate and having my parents be shocked or confused. I am close with my mom and want to be able to talk about my relationship, since it is such a huge part of my life.

I'm honestly not too worried about their reactions. Though maybe I am just so smitten with my Aimee, happy and confident in our relationship, I assume everyone else will be as well. ;) Really though, my parents have always been supportive of anything I try to do.

About 7 years ago, when I was a teenager, they suspected I had a gf, which I sort of did, and my mom was extremely upset. She was raised very religious. But she has changed a lot and become much more open-minded in the past 5 years or so. My parents are definitely gay-friendly. But I guess we'll see what they think when it comes to their own child being with another woman.

I guess I'm just stuck on *how* to bring this up to them. Aimee thinks I should do it face to face. She sees it as sort of a "facing my fears" type of thing. I am much more comfortable talking about it with my mom first, than with my dad, because we're closer. So I'm just trying to figure out how to go about this. Do I casually bring it up somehow, like say, "I've got a dinner date with Aimee, and oh yeah, we've been dating for this long now"? lol Or do I sit her down and say, "I have something I've been meaning to tell you"? Hmm...
 
I had a friend who considered herself straight all her life and then suddenly fell madly in love with a woman. A few months later, they moved in together and were in it for life. She was really nervous about telling her mother -- an elderly, conservative, religious woman from Eastern Europe. If I recall correctly, I believe she just said to her something like, "Mom, you know, ___ and I are in love." And her mother shrugged and said, "It happens."
 
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My husband and I lived with my mother for quite some time in the beginning of ur relationship. My mom and I have always been very close but it has also been a unhealthy closeness in that I was way to connected to her and had a hard time not telling her about every single aspect of my life. I told her about my husband (boyfriend at the time) and my going to "swingers clubs" which she called "sex clubs" and honestly in a way my mom being supportive but uncomfortable worked out. She would always ask me and my husband where we were going and we would say "the sex club" and she would say "I dont want to know, just go!!" and that stopped the "where you going,? When will you be home?" questions and actually helped us to not be annoyed by those questions.

When we first moved NT and TT (her daughter) into the house I felt the need to tell my mom as since she isnt in the same state she does visit a few times a year and I felt she needed to know rather then be surprised by this. I was worried as when I was younger she was much more against the idea but I think that had more to do with her own experiences as a wife of a husband who cheated on her and treated her like crap (my father) so the idea that I would "let another woman that close to your mans penis" as she put it, was just ridiculous, unsafe for the marriage and asking for me to be left when he finds he likes someone else more then me. I have come to learn that he doesn't love them MORE he loves them TOO!!

My mom has met the LG (little girl) when I brought her out for the day with my mom and my sister when they visited last. I thought this would be a good way to introduce my family to my family. It enabled my mom to be around my "step daughter" if you will, with my mom and sister knowing who she was, that she was not my husbands daughter. Ok, Ok I admit it, I figured the cute kid would win her over before I brought Natasha to meet them. My mom loved the LG and actually told me that I needed to not be so freaked out about the possibility of getting hurt. I was making the LG stay right by me, and she wanted to run up and down the steps of a gazebo in a park. My mom said let her do it, I said but she might fall and hurt herself, my mom said "well then we will deal with that, but you cant make her be a perfect little sit next to you all the time kid or she will think your mean. I have loosened up and while I still find it hard to trust myself and my ability to handle all the "what ifs" that come up. What if she jumps on the bed and hits her head on the wall and then gets a concussion that causes bleeding on her brain and I dont notice it cause I dont have experience with medical or kid stuff. My mom said "Don't worry, if she is bleeding onto her brain you will probably see blood coming out her ears" my mom said this as a dont worry statement, but that made me worry even more (and check the LG ears anytime she even mildly bumps her head) but I have found that little kids are a pretty hardy species of human. They seem to be able to take a few more bumps and bruises then the larger older models.

I think that if you think your family can handle it, then tell them, if they bother you about where you are going, try my "the sex club" response and see if ti also gets you out of the 20 questions, and if you dont think they would understand, then maybe it is best to just leave it be. My hubby was very against anyone knowing in his family until his mom passed away. For some reason, the possibility of her knowing about his lifestyle scared him so he was very closed about it to his family. Next month his younger sister is coming to FL to visit, and she is going to meet Trustynatasha and LG and I have concerns that she is going to feel very "sideswiped" about it because it isnt like he even mentioned "Oh yeah we sleep with other women" and while she is an adult in her own adult relationship, i am sure it will be a experience that is awkward at first but hopefully it is not so awkward that his relationship with her suffers as that is the last thing I want.
 
An update...

In case any of you were wondering, I did it. About a month and a half ago, I just woke up one day and decided today would be the day.

So I called my mom up and we went out to lunch, as we often do. I ordered a drink and kept trying to think of ways to bring it up, but just kinda sat there nervously. Then my mom noticed. lol. She stopped what she was talking about and said, "Is there something you wanna tell me? You look like you have something on your mind. What is it? Now you have to tell me."

lol omg

I started blushing and getting all nervous. She suggested we drive around and talk about it. So I got in the car and started mumbling about how I would like to be honest with her, because I respect her and want her to be a part of my life. "And well, a huge part of my life is the people in it I love. And well... I'm in love with someone... someone besides my bf."

She paused for a second and said, "You mean Aimee?"

"Haha. Yes... that's exactly who I mean."

We talked about it for a while. She said she had suspicions, and as long as I'm happy, that's what mattered. She could never be with two people, but if I can, then okay. And she doesn't see it working out, being with them both.

I told her, "Well, that's life. We will just have to see what happens. There are no real guarantees."

She said she would tell my dad if I wanted her to. But he has yet to have mentioned anything about Aimee. She did say she doesn't want her parents finding out. But I avoid them as much as possible, anyway.

So... yeah. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.
 
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