Coming out?

mountaingirl

mountaingirl

Active member
Hello all!
I am wondering if anyone has experiences to share on coming out as poly, whether it's with friends or family etc. (not to a monogamous partner.. thankfully I've already done that 😅). I have been sitting on this for a bit and while I don't personally think I am ready, I am curious about other people's stories. I have so far just taken the stance of being openly affectionate (hugging, close talking) with my boyfriend in front of my roommates and friends. It's been interesting (and encouraging) to see how many people know about/are close with my husband and don't get freaked out by these displays of affection. I know with my family (because I live far from them and they are more closed minded) I would have to have an actual conversation which seems tricky... I feel like not being explicit about it with my friends/roommates has kept it 'normal' like any other relationship, but I've already been avoiding questions from my family. Also if a thread similar to this has been posted, please include the link! I didn't find something like this when I looked, but I could have missed it.
 
Hi mountaingirl,

You should watch the following YouTube ...
... I think it's about 26 minutes long but it's really worth it, it's all about coming out. As for my polycule, we mostly haven't told anyone, basically just a brother and one friend. The reactions from those two so for have been positive and supportive. We don't know how other friends and family would react.

Good luck in your own journey of coming out,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Adam and I developed a new circle of friends for a while wherein poly was already normalised. No coming out necessary.

But right now, most of our friends and family don't know. Since I'm in a long distance (international) relationship, Covid travel restrictions mean my partner can't visit anytime soon. Nor can I go there. So for now, we rather sweep the coming out issues under the rug.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi mountaingirl,

You should watch the following YouTube ...
... I think it's about 26 minutes long but it's really worth it, it's all about coming out. As for my polycule, we mostly haven't told anyone, basically just a brother and one friend. The reactions from those two so for have been positive and supportive. We don't know how other friends and family would react.

Good luck in your own journey of coming out,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
ah thanks so much for the link! it was super helpful
 
Late to the party, but here is my two brass farthings. :)

I am out to very, very, very few people. Not on account of I feel ashamed or anything like that, it's just that I do not think it's any of anyone's business. The few that do know are already poly or in some sort of ENM situation. I am full no contact with the vast majority of my side of the family, and if they ever found out, I simply would not care. I've gone NC for very good reasons and their adamant insistence on everyone being like them so that they do not have to feel bad for their own life decisions is one of the main reasons. It is also tiresome to "have to" explain oneself as a grown adult to someone who still views you as a 16 year old they can order back to their room. And at my advanced age. I am not available for that, as the cool kids say. :)

Insofar as my DH's side of the family, no one knows as of yet, as we have not opened up nor do we have any prospects at this time. When the time comes to tell them, we have bets placed as to who is going to flip their biscuit about it and who isn't ;). I have told DH on many, many occasions that his family will be dealt with by him and any fallout can be discussed/dealt with in private.
 
We're MUCH more out as swingers than poly BUT we're new to poly plus covid has meant we haven't seen many of our closest long-time friends since we began the poly journey.

Regarding coming out as having an open relationship - we have a strong circle of friends from when we were all in our early 20's. It's amazing really how close and large this circle is. We are the longest relationship in there but followed by a few other couples...

We had some years where it was really apparent we were unhappy together, going through the motions. Opening up came with growing pains but it brought us back together and back to being in love not just in life together.

So we decided it was right for us to tell our closest friends why we were suddenly so fucking good together. And being a circle like that it was common knowledge pretty quickly because the ladies love a gossip. No big deal - just a few knowing looks and a little degree of awkwardness for me from frustrated husbands until they all worked out really we were the same people.

This was about 18 months into our journey. Since then my partner leaving a swinging app open on the ipad meant 2 of our then teenage kids know, plus my mum (dad when alive) and sisters. The kids took a while to settle but apart from 1 sister my family were terrific - my dad saying we seemed happy and whatever made us happy was fine by him. My relationship with our now adult son has never fully repaired, he went into slutshaming and seeing his dad as a victim but he now lives with us so it's not broken just never the same since. That's the only real negative. Last year our daughter gave me her blessing to just be us however we want. Took her moving to one of the world's biggest cities to gain that maturity.

I then made my partner tell his dad because I thought it seemed fair. This is all 2015 - his dad bless him said 'Do I need to do anything?' 🤣 Partner said no and he was relieved and no issue at all.

Then we have told a few different close friends over the years not many - it's not their business.

So when I caught feelings and poly came up I had to tell a few friends in the swinging community that felt huge but really it's new and covid has messed up plans so I have told my closest vanilla girlfriend, another vanilla male friend and that's it. My partner has probably told his best friend no secrets there.

It was my partner's 50th a few months back and I was hoping we'd invite some of that old friend circle, a few new friends and my boyfriend and I would have the opportunity to break the news in a friendly, low-key matter of fact fashion but we had lockdowns so that never happened.

Because of physical distance and a few hardships I'm back to not feeling as deeply entrenched with the new boyfriend as I used to so any urgency has lifted - we're in FWB who care deeply territory until life let's us feel romance again. I hope it does and I am looking forward to telling a good vanilla friend about him next week when I see her.

So we've come out (with ENM) happily, like a bandaid on a sore wound AND slowly but surely. And not at all to people where it's just not their business. My partner and I both want to be really open - especially about poly. We feel we have an obligation to all those who come after us - like gay people did in the 80s and 90s (but without the stigma of AIDS).

I don't know how our poly journey will continue, we may slip back into just ENM without the feels if there's no-one special for either of us - but we want others to understand that they can tread off the path of relationship expectations.

My boyfriend seems to be mono - although he has been/could be sexually open he just chooses not to. He does not want anyone - primarily his family - to know, but he's proudly told a few old guy friends - and that's part of why I think our relationship might not to go the distance. He's traditional and worried about what others think. He might be able to sit in the lovezone and keep moving with us but for now being judged for being different seems to terrify him as a concept. But he also opened up to me and said he doesn't like the idea people might see him as gay (he's not) - so that's entrenched social conditioning that is so not for this era... I probably need to put a disclaimer that he's not a judgy guy, very gentle soul, doesn't look down on others ever himself - maybe got teased as a kid who knows.
 
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Coming out has been kind of a long journey for me - for so many people in my life, explaining it felt like redefining what they knew of me since Knight and I have been together since we were 16. When we were still swingers or vaguely / not particularly actively non-monogamous, a few friends knew but it really wasn't particularly important knowledge as it wasn't a huge part of our lives - people who are only in our beds and not the rest of our lives don't really need to be explained to people who are NOT in our beds, y'know?

Once the whole mess with HipsterBoy / P!inkGirl started, I told my circle of very close friends - at first I thought they were weird about the poly thing, as it turned out those friends just didn't like those partners and honestly they weren't exactly *wrong*. Future partners they have been much happier to include, and both Joan and Artist are now invited as a matter of course on group outings / in group chats. At this point, especially since Joan lives with us, I'm as out as it's possible to be amongst friends without like taking out an ad somewhere ;-). (And yet I still get surprised reactions from distant acquaintances occasionally...) Joan's friends are mostly poly so nbd, though there are a few that don't know the exact dynamics of her relationship / living situation.

I don't have a relationship with my family, really - parents are out of the picture, and I wasn't raised with my sisters so we aren't close, although I did eventually tell them in the group FB chat we occasionally are on and they were all either cool with it or even curious for themselves.

I haven't really had to deal with coworkers for years, as a freelancer, though I've had a long enough contract at my current gig that I may have to think about that. Knight isn't out to his coworkers, Artist is (to the degree that I've met a few of them on various occasions).

Family is where things get complicated... Artist is out to his sister but not his father, and thus I've met the former and not the latter. I generally consider it a dealbreaker to have to be around people that don't know the reality of my relationship with someone - I'd rather skip the social event or meeting than pretend to be "just friends". And we finally, finally *had* to come out to my mother in law. That didn't exactly go *well*, and that's an understatement, but it's actually improved to the point where she actually likes both Artist and Joan.

Overall, I can say that being out of the closet, if at all safe for you, is SO much better than being in it. Practicality aside, there's something wonderful about being able to live your truth out loud, and it's something I'm very grateful that my life allows me to do without (much) fear of the consequences.
 
When I decided to cohabitate with my two partners; we decided that since Bird and I were married and my family was accustomed to our union, we would describe Daisy as a roommate. It did not take long for me to reject this idea. Even though this idea sounded plausible before we entangled, it was not possible for me in practice. For Daisy not to be invited to family events -when she lives with me, is a partial caretaker to my child, monetarily contributes to the household, and serves as emotional support for the child, Bird, and I- It would be a slap in the face...

My family is now defined, and people can accept it or kindly uninvite all of us. At least, that is the way I see it.

It was a couple of years before I was able to completely let go of what my family thought. I came out to my mother first (by accident), and that was beneficial because served to rip-off the band-aid so to speak, before I was actually ready. She didn't take it well, and that bothered me for a long time.

To her credit, mother has come a long way, she recently said that she loved both Daisy and Bird like they where her own daughters. I think her real struggle is what other people think...

I recently attended a family event (on my mothers side), and one of my cousins asked about what the situation was with Daisy, and that "everyone is talking about it". So I told him. The next day, I let my mother know, since it is her side of the family. I received a call from her a few hours later, crying. She said something about being proud of me and the way I treat my loved ones, and that she will stand by me, and support me no matter what the consequences are.

I think that conversation would have meant a lot to me a few years ago. However I am now long past giving a fuck about what people think of me... I enjoy almost total indifference.. I think it is good for my mother to accept it though, because family is so important to her and I know it would break her heart for the family to be fractured.

My father is accepting, however has requested that I do not tell his side of the family because he feels like they will not "accept" me anymore. I agreed not to tell them, however my condition is that I will not be going out to see them either. I do not need people in my life whom would not accept me if they "knew who I really was"... I am not sure I agree with my Father's assessment of his brothers and sisters.. He is an orphan who was taken in by a rural Christian family, he clearly has abandonment issues, pleasing the family that raised him is a central part of his identity. It took a very long conversation to make him understand that I am not burdened by the same traumas as he.

So far, I am out to friends, my parents and siblings, and my mothers side of the family. I am not out publicly as my professional persona is an extension of my public persona, and I take my income strategy seriously. Although I wish very much that Poly could be more visible in society, and if the call ever comes I may answer... As a rule we all attend work social events solo (not that we have had to deal with that in a while)...

Daisy is out to her friends and entire family (who are all religious conservatives). They do not like it however they have been accepting. Daisy's mother even sends my daughter birthday cards, which is a sweet gesture.

Bird is out to friends, and her mother only. Bird is also burdened with abandonment issues and is terrified of disappointing her family. We see less and less of them as time goes on; for a lot of reasons, but poly certainly has not helped the situation...

In hindsight; has it been worth it? Yes. Living a life free of guilt and shame, is living freely.
 
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I've been polyamorous now for 9 years with 3 partners. We've found it's better to just let people assume than to tell.

When people assume, their cognitive dissonance kicks in if they're more conservative, ("there's no way they're all together!") or they'll ask if more open to the idea, at which point they're almost always safe to tell.

Confirming someone's thinking by coming out, especially if they may be hostile to the lifestyle, is just creating drama where there doesn't need to be any.

That said, we don't outright hide all of us hanging out all the time or being alone in public with just one of us doing grocery shopping or the like. So we live our lives openly. We just don't go out of our way to tell anyone unless they pretty much ask.

Cognitive dissonance is a powerful emotion in people and can work in your favor to those that could be hostile to your lifestyle. Let their doubt keep the drama away.

My opinion*
 
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icesong said:
Family is where things get complicated... Artist is out to his sister but not his father, and thus I've met the former and not the latter. I generally consider it a dealbreaker to have to be around people that don't know the reality of my relationship with someone - I'd rather skip the social event or meeting than pretend to be "just friends". And we finally, finally *had* to come out to my mother in law. That didn't exactly go *well*, and that's an understatement, but it's actually improved to the point where she actually likes both Artist and Joan.
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I feel this paragraph a lot; all of our families have met each of us, and while I love hanging out with my husband (J) and boyfriend's (P) families, sometimes it hurts when either my parents or one of their parents asks when P is getting a girlfriend... P and I joke about him answering that I'm his girlfriend one day, but that seems so far as neither of us are really ready. And oof mother in law. I anticipate that being the hardest move for us as well. J's mom is very religious, has been cheated on, has been there for J when he's been cheated on.... basically a very protective mother. I would probably need to come out to everyone if I came out to anyone as far as family goes because she would take it so personally if she found out before we could tell her personally. This STINKS bc it keeps me from telling my family lol
 
BlueClover said:
Cognitive dissonance is a powerful emotion in people and can work in your favor to those that could be hostile to your lifestyle. Let their doubt keep the drama away.
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I love this haha. I think for most people i am very okay with letting them figure it out for themselves. I have received some questions from nosy family members who are clearly NOT okay with the concept of polyamory (e.g., an incredulous: "Are you having sex with BOTH of them?"), and usually just take this as a cue that I won't be having the conversation with them.
 
Inaniel said:
When I decided to cohabitate with my two partners; we decided that since Bird and I were married and my family was accustomed to our union, we would describe Daisy as a roommate. It did not take long for me to reject this idea. Even though this idea sounded plausible before we entangled, it was not possible for me in practice. For Daisy not to be invited to family events -when she lives with me, is a partial caretaker to my child, monetarily contributes to the household, and serves as emotional support for the child, Bird, and I- It would be a slap in the face...
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aghhh that makes total sense. we don't have any kids involved, but at this point my boyfriend is as much of a support in my life as my husband is, loves and gets along with my family, etc. I'm pretty certain he doesn't care, but it feels very unfair for him not to be invited to things.
Inaniel said:
So far, I am out to friends, my parents and siblings, and my mothers side of the family. I am not out publicly as my professional persona is an extension of my public persona, and I take my income strategy seriously. Although I wish very much that Poly could be more visible in society, and if the call ever comes I may answer... As a rule we all attend work social events solo (not that we have had to deal with that in a while)...
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I also plan on keeping poly far from my professional life. I am a scientist, so most people I work with are pretty accepting, but also stiff and "professional", so it's anyone's guess how coming out would go. The field is so small that I'd worry about having to completely start over if reception wasn't great.
Thanks for sharing!
 
mountaingirl said:
I love this haha. I think for most people i am very okay with letting them figure it out for themselves. I have received some questions from nosy family members who are clearly NOT okay with the concept of polyamory (e.g., an incredulous: "Are you having sex with BOTH of them?"), and usually just take this as a cue that I won't be having the conversation with them.
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The idea that anyone thinks they have a right to know where I sleep or whose bits I’m naked with … just 🤯

To be fair, the whole concept of marriage has convinced people for generations that they have the right to that information. But yeesh. Asking?
 
SlowPoly said:
The idea that anyone thinks they have a right to know where I sleep or whose bits I’m naked with … just 🤯

To be fair, the whole concept of marriage has convinced people for generations that they have the right to that information. But yeesh. Asking?
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ugh I know barf
 
SlowPoly said:
The idea that anyone thinks they have a right to know where I sleep or whose bits I’m naked with … just 🤯

To be fair, the whole concept of marriage has convinced people for generations that they have the right to that information. But yeesh. Asking?
Click to expand...
Yeah the "need to know" is toxic. My wife and I have been poly for a while and we suffered with treating it like a window that we both open and close when we feel hurt. I recently have been struggling with "re-opening" due to miscommunications. I'm trying to alter my view of it as room that you stay in, like you can stay in the mono room or you can stay in the poly room but only in the room your comfortable with and my wife can stay in whichever room she's comfortable in. We have been happier while trying to change our approach to ourselves.

And to round back OP's ordinal point. My wife and I live in a very conservative area. Not a sundown town, but my hometown is 40 minutes away and it is. We aren't super open because of this but we have a tightly not group of supporters. We plan to tell my parents when I finish school and sadly her mom and grandma are much more "aggressively conservative" so they won't be privy to that aspect of my life.

Coming out is important to the person who comes out and know has the right to make you do so before you are ready.
 
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