Coming out

I just talk about it as part of regular conversation as it becomes relevant. It isn't really relevant to my co-workers, but i'm not afraid of what they think should it ever become relevant. We have Open Relationship on our facebooks, and Spouse told me that their sisters were giving them "concerned" looks at Thanksgiving and asking if "everything is ok between you and BG" (because i was spending tg with a friend who had nowhere to go this year.. last year, whatever). I guess to a lot of people, "open relationship" is something you do when you are breaking up but still get along well enough to share a living space... Well we just celebrated our 10th/13th anniversary.

Anyway it doesn't have to be a big huge "hey sit down there's something i need to tell you" event unless you make it one.
 
Nadya said:
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the subject of coming out - what it is actually, and of course how open I would like to be about my situation. As it is, very few people know about my poly situation and it feels like it is time to inform a few more people... Have come to the conclusion that I will tell first to those people I trust the most in order to have a support network for those times when judgemental people find out or when there starts to be gossiping about us in our surroundings... I see those as very likely to happen and want to be strong enough to handle it when it does.

In a more theoretical level I have been pondering about what is the difference between being closeted and being private... I think the important difference is whether there is fear involved in the thought that somebody would find out. You are in the closet if you are scared of being exposed. If there is no fear and you just do not feel the need to tell people about your life, you are being private. Any thoughts about this? Do you agree or disagree? Why?
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Why do it if you're scared? Privacy is your right. People change every day. One day they like you, the next they don't, for whatever reason, Just be yourself. It will all be ok. Just remember this: "Keep your head up and your chest out." And most of all, SMILE.
 
I got tired of being invisible at work. Mostly everyone is Catholic or Orthodox Christian, married, conservative. Since I'm married and my husband is Catholic, I am assumed to be just like them.

So I started wearing a ribbon cuff bracelet with flags on it-- the leather pride flag (black blue white, red heart), the rainbow diversity flag, the polyamory flag (blue red black, gold 'pi') and the bisexual pride flag (pink purple blue). I was sort of shocked that for months and months not one person commented, or even appeared to look at it twice. I figured even if no one at work noticed it, it was a good way to signal, to give other people I met a better glimpse of who I am, and a conversation starter, if they are into any of the above.

So, we hired some seasonal help, and one of them was a younger guy (who I had kind of a crush on) who started bugging me about what the bracelet meant. I told him he was too innocent to know if he didn't recognize the flags. He took offense (because he really isn't that innocent, just young) and bugged me ridiculously until I told him what each one was. He admitted he had thought I was gay when he first saw it, but was then confused when he heard I was married to a man.

He asked some about polyamory, and I gave him the briefest sketch. His mind was utterly blown. "He has sex with whoever he wants?" was pretty much the gist of his reaction. lol. So that was very embarrassing, but he's been calm and hasn't outed me to the rest of the office yet, so I suppose it went as well as it could have gone, barring simply clamming up and refusing to tell him, which would have kind of defeated the purpose of wearing it anyway. :)

One of our regular seasonal people is a middle-aged unmarried woman, who is very sweet, but also very Catholic and innocent. She started confiding in me the difficulties she's having with her current sort-of boyfriend, who she is in a long distance relationship with, and then started dismissing anything I said with, "Oh, you're married, you wouldn't understand." I finally pointed to the poly flag on my wrist. She asked me to take off the bracelet and examined it. She asked what it meant. I only told her that one, as it was the only relevant one, and she asked even less questions than the previous guy. But it really opened her eyes that I didn't fit in the box she always assumed I fit into, and it seemed to really reassure her that she could talk about relationships with me, and I would try to understand and help, and that I might actually have relevant advice. So that went really well. It wasn't embarrassing or weird at all. It seemed like she was relieved to have someone to talk to.

So basically I just let the bracelet talk for me. I'm still primarily in the closet, but the door is open, if someone wants to look in.
 
Nadya said:
I have been pondering about what the difference is between being closeted and being private. I think the important difference is whether there is fear involved in the thought that somebody will find out. You are in the closet if you are scared of being exposed. If there is no fear and you just do not feel the need to tell people about your life, you are being private. Any thoughts about this? Do you agree or disagree? Why?
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One way to think of it:

Private = I don't need people to know.
Closet = I need people not to know.

There are all kinds of reasons for each. Fear is a common motivator.
 
I had a *squee* moment last night- I'm taking a class that's supposed to help me with stress management (we'll see) and since some of my stress is due to the LDR nature of my partnership with TGIB, it's come up in class. However, my classmates and the teacher also know I'm married with kids, so I've been considering how to balance my desire to be honest about what is contributing to my stress so I can learn the best coping strategies, versus my desire to not waste a bunch of class time dealing with people's potentially negative reactions. (This is a more conservative part of CA. I'm sure there are people in the class who would tell me I'm going to hell, which *shrug* whatever, they're strangers, but it would be a waste of my time, the teacher's time, and the other students' time!)

So I decided to stay after class last night so I could speak to the teacher (an older LCSW, more of an educator now than a practicing therapist). I told her that, while I didn't feel the rest of the class needed to know, if she thought some of what I talked about sounded "off" or "odd," and she was uncertain what to suggest (I currently refer to TGIB as a "family member" in the class; sometimes it gets awkward) then it would probably help to know that I was in a polyamorous relationship, that I was married, but TGIB was also my life partner and like a spouse, so some of the recommendations about friends and extended family members wouldn't really apply. She looked confused for a moment, and then asked, "Does your husband know?" I assured her he did, and told her a little bit about the current effort to get us all living together, and she smiled and said, "Wow, your life must get pretty complicated!" I agreed, and we both laughed and left.

This is (I think) the first time I've come out to a medical/psychological professional of any sort, and the first time I've come out to someone who was not either a good friend or a COMPLETE stranger. I've been in 4 of her classes so far, and have 6 left to go, so I was unsure about coming out to someone who could make the remaining 6 classes very unpleasant and unhelpful. I'm so glad it was a positive experience!
 
I have a question for the poly masses: how do I come out at work gracefully and elegantly without jeopardizing my job and reputation? I work for a company that engineers and manufactures material processing equipment worldwide, and I am on a career track with my company to one day be the VP of operations. It is very important to me. But I am tired of people thinking my significant other is cheating or has cheated on me. I want people to know I am in a poly relationship and I am happy and I love it, and that our relationship is just as healthy, if not moreso than a traditional relationship.
 
kyrsten said:
How do I come out at work gracefully and elegantly without jeopardizing my job and reputation? I work for a company that engineers and manufactures material processing equipment world wide, and I am on a career track with my company to one day be the VP of operations. It is very important to me. But I am tired of people thinking my significant other is or has cheated on me. I want people to know I am in a Poly relationship and I am happy and I love it, and that our relationship is just as healthy if not moreso than a traditional relationship.
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Why do you need to? In some cases, it's not even possible. You can be as graceful and elegant as you want, but they can always find reasons to fire you, or at least to stop you climbing the ladder. Then again, being "dumb enough to stay with a cheater" could have the same results. But if there are specific people that you know to be aware that your SO is dating other people, you could go to them privately and just explain the situation, but ask that they not turn it into office gossip. Whether or not they'll listen is another matter, and one you have no control over.
 
^^ This. People will have their own ideas, no matter what. I find what works best for me is to just NOT be secretive. That means not exactly coming, out but just being normal. I mean, it's normal for me to talk about something and say, "Boyfriend watches that show!" or, "Oh yeah, Hubby and I do that on weekends with the kids." Some people pick up, some don't. If they ask, I clarify, if not, then I'm not worried about it. I get most often, "You mean ex-hubby right?" Then I clarify. Making it just a normality in my own life does a pretty good job of letting others know that it is indeed just normal, at least for me.
 
I struggle with the idea of "coming out" as poly because I've never felt the need to announce my relationships to anyone before, so I can't begin to imagine how or why I would now. I used to have a picture on my desk of me and a guy from a band that caused everyone who came in to ask if it was my husband. I figured that meant picture on your desk was the universal sign for relationship, so I replaced it with a picture of me, my husband and my boyfriend. Oddly, now no one asks about the picture.

Where would your co-workers have found out your SO was "cheating"? I guess I would go about spreading the poly information through the same pipeline.
 
kkxvlv said:
I struggle with the idea of "coming out" as poly because I've never felt the need to announce my relationships to anyone before, so I can't begin to imagine how or why I would now.
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One of the girls in our local bi-group has a funny story like that. When she started dating her girlfriend, her mom was like "You have to tell Grandma that you're dating Kim." My friend was so confused, she was like "What? Why? I didn't have to tell her when I started dating any boys." She's like 19 now, was about 16 or 17 at the time, so she's grown up knowing that it's fine to be non-straight. But she couldn't for the life of her figure out why she had to tell Grandma that she was dating a girl.

She also wasn't "allowed" to tell her little sister. Her dad didn't want her to set a bad example. At one point, my friend got grounded. Her aunt asked her, "Do you know why Jen got grounded?" "Because she's dating a girl." Not exactly true,. It just happened that this particular girl kept her out past curfew all the time and that got her in trouble. But as far as lil' sis was concerned, she was grounded because Dad didn't like her dating a girl.
 
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Vixtoria said:
Making it just a normality in my own life does a pretty good job of letting others know that it is indeed just normal!
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My mother taught me when I was a little kid that "If you carry yourself like you are supposed to be there, people will just assume it's true". When I am comfortable about a part of my life and I share it with people it rarely makes them uncomfortable or prompts them to challenge me.

If I am still new to an idea, or have not had the chance to express it to anyone outside of that particular viewpoint, I can be clumsy or passive about it, which prompts challenge and discussion. The idea of discussing CV with anyone is still a little shaky for me, and I've only done it a couple of times. I am sure people can hear in my voice that I'm still new to the situation and am hesitant to talk about it.

So I agree, how "normal" I feel about what I'm expressing has a big impact.
 
I'm not in the closet about being poly, not at all. That means I have no reason to not want people to know. I started a new job and a new hobby recently, so I've met a lot of new people in a short amount of time. Most of the people from the hobby are now my Facebook friends, and if they have been following at all, they should know. Most of them have also seen me with my girlfriend. But I've actually never mentioned my boyfriend to them, there just hasn't been a situation where it would've come up. What annoys me is that we usually hang out in a big group, and I feel more comfortable coming out to people one-on-one, but I just never have the opportunity to do that!

On the job it's a bit different, but equally difficult. I'm not Facebook friends with any of them and I haven't said anything about my relationship situation to anyone. When my coworkers refer to their partners, I just sit there quietly. My problem is that I would like to mention both of my partners at the same time. I mean I don't like the idea that one coworker thinks I have a boyfriend, another one thinks I have a girlfriend and a third one knows I have both. I want to avoid confusion and be clear about it. I definitely don't want to be in the closet forever. I've only been working there for two weeks now, but I still feel like I should just get it over with.

I just feel like there are too many people that I hang out with at the moment who don't know the whole picture and that bothers me. I like to feel relaxed, and I can't be totally relaxed if I have to hide a big part of myself.
 
How do you face "coming out"? Do you not care and just come out, or do you share because you are so happy and don't want to hide it? I'm kinda in a tough spot. My mom doesn't know completely what's going on, but knows there is something going on. Pretty much told me that I'm an embarrassment.

But I don't want to hide on my FB that I'm in a relationship with her. I don't want to hide her, because I am not embarrassed to say that I love two people. But it truly breaks my heart that my family is like that. I've pretty much unfriended all my family, and the ones I kept on, I put on restricted. How does everyone deal with this?
 
AZtriad said:
I've pretty much unfriended all my family... How does everyone deal with this?
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If I associated with people who looked down on me for my relationship practices *and* had the balls to call me out for it, they'd probably get cut. I have no problem with having a discussion about my relationship choices, in fact, I encourage it, but I won't be subjected to someone's dogmatic bullshit (not more than once anyway).

Also, do a search on the topic. This is a pretty common question.
 
Yep, I'm out. Or we are out, I should say. People have the right to any opinion they want. But they can treat our choice to be in relationship with respect or they can exit stage left. Just as some people we look at and think, "WTF are they thinking?" but we treat their choices with respect or we exit stage left.
 
It's a sad world when Facebook status is more important than family.

I'm out, but not loud and proud. I mention it if it happens to come up in conversation ("You mean your girlfriend girlfriend, or like... your friend who's a girl?"). I told my mom, because we talk about everything and I couldn't keep something like that from her. I haven't told my dad because we don't talk that much and it hasn't happened to come up. I think I did mention my girlfriend last time I visited, but he's so laid back I wouldn't know if he noticed.

I find that if you go out in the world, acting like what you're doing is perfectly normal, people are far less likely to openly criticise it. It seems to make them feel awkward for thinking there's something wrong with it when you clearly do not. So as far as the mom goes, just tell her that you're happy and ask, isn't that what she wants for you?
 
I don't offer it up, honestly, because I don't feel it is really anyone's business. But I don't hide it either, because I don't care. That being said, I can see how this would be a slippery slope, based on your background, family history and upbringing. The basic rule I have is that if people can't love you for what you are, then screw them. They really don't love you.
 
I'm pretty casual about our family. If I have something to mention regarding my girlfriend, I will, just as I would mention something about my husband. If people get confused and ask, I explain. But I don't broadcast it.
 
Coming out and rejection

Hi All,

I have been struggling for months and finally decided to post here about my coming out to my family. First, let me state that I am poly by my own choice. I have two wonderful male partners, one of 9 years ( P) and another of just over a year (Y).

Last Christmas I decided that I wouldn't spend my holidays without my second partner. It is actually a rule I have with my first partner that I believe is important to follow with my second partner, because holidays are supposed to be spent with family.

Now, I am aware that holidays are probably not the best time to come out, but around that time I was also very ill (steps away from being placed in the hospital). I considered that I might not survive my illness and decided that it was time to come out to my family. I didn't want them to find out after I had died.

I ended up deciding to tell my mother first and then decide with her what to do. I thought she would be more open-minded then she was. So I planned to go to coffee with her on a Sunday and tell her that I needed to talk about something. She insisted I tell her Saturday, no matter what. So I explained to her that I had two partners and that we loved each other and were really happy. This is not the first time my mother has been presented with poly or open relationships. Most of my friends are in some form of unique and wonderful relationship that is good for them.

I was kinda shocked when she freaked out completely. She told me that what I was doing was against god. She's not overly religious. I really don't know where that one came from. She couldn't accept it, and wouldn't help me talk to my father at all. She kept saying that she didn't want to know about my sex life, when she used to regularly ask me for details that I refused to give to her about that. I patiently explained to her that it was about love and not about sex, that I was with two wonderful men because I loved them and they loved me.

She further freaked out and basically said that she was against any form of different relationship, including LGBT relationships. This one threw me for a further loop, because she has had gay friends for years. I asked her about this and she again told me it was against god, and that what they were doing wasn't right, and I wasn't doing anything right. Things were going really badly. The conversation started to become unproductive, and I finally had to tell her I loved her and let her go. I told her that I would talk to her again after a few days, to let things settle a bit.

Forward a few days, my dad called me up and told me that they weren't disowning me, but they never wanted to see me again, or for a very long time. I tried to reason with him. I knew he was anti-gay rights. I offered to get him resources so he could learn about my relationships. I tried to get them to meet with my second partner. But no, they didn't want anything to do with me anymore and they didn't know what they were going to tell my grandparents.

(Tangent... my parents were extremely abusive while I was growing up. I have worked hard to have a relationship with them and keep my family together, because they were all I had. Blood is supposed to stick with you through anything.)

After this conversation, I texted my sister and told her that I probably wouldn't see her for a while because of what happened. She stated that I was stupid and that I shouldn't be doing this to my parents.

Christmas rolled around and I spent it alone. P spent it with his other girlfriend and Y was at his parents. My birthday was spent with just a text message from my father.

I've tried rebuilding a relationship with them through texting, but they still won't accept anything.

I don't know how to deal with the rejection. I hurt so badly that I can't do anything. I didn't do anything terribly wrong, other then be honest, which, in my personal belief, is right. There is not much out there to support a situation like this that I have been able to find. I try to stay happy and strong, but I am just starting to get so tired and worn down. I love my partners so very much. I will not break up with one of my partners (and that wouldn't help anyway). My men try to be supportive, but there isn't anything they can do.

I've considered therapy but I can't find therapy that would cover this issue. I can't grieve for the loss of my family because they aren't dead. And I know I will run into them some time. They live really close to me. I haven't figured out how to deal with this. I even asked if they would consider counselling with me to work through our problems, and they declined and basically told me that they can't accept my choice and never will.

Can anyone out there relate? Has anyone gone through this? Does anyone have ideas for how to cope with all this pain?
 
I am so sorry about what happened, and that you are hurting so.

You are a very strong person. Not only for opening up as you did, but for working so hard to maintain a relationship with people who are abusive. While you didn't go into detail about your childhood, it seems to me that this abuse in another form.

Therapy might help you understand them better, which might ease your mind somewhat. However, as far as they are concerned, it appears they have no desire to change, grow, and understand. You have reached out and they have declined. In that regard, there isn't much you can do, except take care of yourself.

I wish like hell I had some magic words that would make them come around, but I don't. The only thing I have noticed is that abusive people seem to have a lot of fear in their hearts. A lot of people think hate is the opposite of love, but really, fear is the opposite of love and destroys every good and wonderful emotion.

You are a strong person. You will survive this.
 
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