Coming out

[bookbug]

I tend to make the distinction between friends and acquaintances. I do not share the information with acquaintances, among many other things. However, if a person has become what I consider a friend, then, while I might not make a point in telling them, as if it were a confession, I do share if it becomes pertinent to a topic we are discussing. So far everyone has been quite accepting.

That said, if I were to misjudge and consider someone a friend who ultimately proves to be judgmental, then this would be a great way to weed them out.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I tend to make the distinction between friends and acquaintances. I do not share the information with acquaintances, among many other things. However, if a person has become a friend, then while I might not make a point in telling them, as if it were a confession, I do share if it becomes pertinent to a topic we are discussing. So far everyone has been quite accepting.

That said, if I were to misjudge and consider someone a friend who ultimately proves to be judgmental, this would be a great way to weed them out.

Good policy, bookbug. So, in my example of the girl I smoke with outside, she can think what she will when I mention Nudge, and perhaps I'd tell her if we crossed into actual friends territory?

I find this topic very interesting. I will probably bring it up with Nudge on the way home from work.

 

[bookbug]

So in my example of the girl i smoke with outside, she can think what she will when i mention Nudge, and perhaps I'd tell her if we crossed into actual friends territory?

Yes. That is how I would handle it. Otherwise it is nobody's business.

I will put this disclaimer in here: being an INTJ (Myers-Briggs personality type), I am not prone to caring about what other people think. Some people care deeply, and s/he might want to use a different strategy.

Also I agree with London about not jeopardizing your job.

 

[london]

Well this case was someone from a different floor/company, Nudge and I have already experienced the fall out in our own office, we almost got fired actually. There is now a policy in place for coworkers dating, but we have faced a lot of judgement from people for being married and dating, luckily its cooled down recently

You know, I can imagine that it really strikes fear in people. The married people suddenly wonder if their spouse would want this type of arrangement, and the single people realise that even when they do meet "The One (that they end up marrying and having kids with)", either or both of them might still want/need other people too.

 

[YouAreHere]

I will put this disclaimer in here: being an INTJ (Myers-Briggs personality type), I am not prone to caring about what other people think. Some people care deeply, and s/he might want to use a different strategy.

Back when I took the test (oh, probably going on 15 years ago now, so I'm sure things have changed a bit), I was a very (VERY) firm ESTJ. I have to wonder if I've skewed a bit more toward the 'F' over the years, though.

I was *very* concerned, at first, about how my friends perceived our relationship. I think part of the problem was that *I* was still getting over a lot of my hurdles and couldn't defend myself and my relationship against their points. I'm sure that only served to bolster their case (that I'm a victim) in their minds. At this point, however, I've reached "not giving a shit" status. It feels kinda nice.

 

[Vicarious]

We have been only telling a select few people that understand our dynamic. We both feel like we are doing nothing wrong or illegal (here in Canada anyway), and if the conversation comes up, I think we would be happy to discuss it further, though not go into great detail.

The only big issue we have faced so far is that my ex-wife stumbled across my POF account (figured me out pretty quickly as of course she knew me well) and is now threatening to take away my son as I am a sexual deviant...I may I have to go to court at some point to set up some boundaries around her intruding into my private life. Anyone have experience around polyamory in the courts regarding children? Ugh.

 

[twoplus1]

Coming out

We are of the nature feck 'em, nobody's business if I do, as the late great Billie H said. If they ask, I ask why. They ask something else, I again answer with a question I have myself the wife here been one to have a knack of annoying people by always repeating "Why?" like my kids did to me upon growing up, that I figured eventually they just feck off with a huff, a roll of the eyes and flustered. lol I don't mince words and don't feel anyone requires any info I don't think they're worthy of, as I would not be askin,' "Well, hey there, pennywee, how's your crack these days?" as their reaction would be one of utter disbelief. So I must say I do this. Then if they persist, I ask "Ok, so why? And why are you pushin ur head so far up me arse I feel hot air?" I then say b4 reactions, "O, btw, is your hubby or significant other any good in bed, or do you foresee problems?" And I walk off b4 rebuttal!!! As an ex-lawyer I found most won't dare repeat a rude comment as I make for fear of bein' asked, "What the hell did ya do to piss her off?"

Don't know if this helps others less of an offensive side to them, but I tell ya, never do you get bugged again.

As all my life, but for an afro, folks couldn't figure me out, so I still get the "Where ya from?" question, and I say "From my mum, nowhere, from my mum," till finally they say, "No like, what country?" "Um, earth and my mum, not quite a country, but well, she fecken had one, so me mum and planet earth," Happy! hope nun to rude Slan!

 

[Vinccenzo]

I would say be very careful about disclosure at work. It really sucks to feel some responsibility to stand as an example of NOT being everything people would automatically assume "weird poly folk" are likely doing to help move it past discrimination. BUT I just got a little taste of the consequences of that this week. When a position opens up and everyone on your team has said it should go to you, you're the only one who applied to it, you have the most experience and knowledge and yet they pass you over and cannot (will not) give you a reason for why, you just have to remember telling your supervisor how a few months back you needed to leave work because your non-spousal partner had an accident and was in the hospital. You have to remember how another very qualified (and open about being a triad member) person had recently interviewed for a position your company just can't seem to fill, and then was never called back.

Yeah.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I would say be very careful about disclosure at work. It really sucks to feel some responsibility to stand as an example of NOT being everything people would automatically assume "weird poly folk" are likely doing to help move it past discrimination. BUT I just got a little taste of the consequences of that this week. When a position opens up and everyone on your team has said it should go to you, you're the only one who applied to it, you have the most experience and knowledge and yet they pass you over and cannot (will not) give you a reason for why - you just have to remember telling your supervisor how a few months back you need to leave work because your non spousal partner had an accident and in the hospital. You have to remember how another very qualified (and open about being a triad member) person had recently interviewed for a position your company just can't seem to fill, and then was never called back.

Yeah.

I am so sorry to hear this. Nudge and I have already had the work fallout. Everyone knows. We did get a lot of crap and got in some hot water etc. But actually, he DID have to come to the hospital with me once and his boss was nice about it. (I'd been in a car accident). Hopefully one day we could all be out without it being such a huge deal.

 

[Squashking]

Tough one

GK, we have had a few conversations about this in our quad this summer. We are out to NO ONE. I know this topic has been discussed at length here. As our relationships continue to develop, I find it gets harder and harder to live in secrecy. But all four of us have to completely agree to doing this, and I just don't see that happening, esp. with potential career-ending consequences.

If the responses to your article on Mommy-ish is any indication, I am not sure that society in general is ready to comprehend polyamory and its many, many forms.

I am simply not willing to potentially blow up or even strain any relationships with family, friends or colleagues based on my desire to be open with my new lifestyle. However, there is very good chance someone may get caught. We have had a few close calls. I guess in that case, the decision will be made for us.

~S

 

[gorgeouskitten]

GK, we have had a few conversations about this in our quad this summer. We are out to NO ONE. As our relationships continue to develop, I find it gets harder and harder to live in secrecy. But al four of us have to completely agree to doing this, and I just don't see that happening, esp. with potential career-ending consequences.

If the responses to your article on Mommy-ish is any indication, I am not sure that society in general is ready to comprehend polyamory and its many, many forms.

I am simply not willing to potentially blow up or even strain any relationships with family, friends or colleagues based on my desire to be open with my new lifestyle. However, there is very good chance someone may get caught. We have had a few close calls. In guess in that case, the decision will be made for us.

SK, have you read this week's article? The comments are so much more constructive and I'm having some lovely convos. Check it out!

But I agree, it's difficult. For next week's article, my editor wants to know how and why Nudge and my coworkers know. This has been a hard one to write.

 

[RainyGrlJenny]

I'm out all over the place!

Fly and I have our Facebook relationship statuses set to "in an open relationship with Fly/Jenny," and my family knows that I'm dating Moonlight also. Everyone at work and all our friends know, and Moonlight's friends and family know that I have a boyfriend/stepkid. Heck, even the woman who owns my favorite boutique knows, and will ask if I'm shopping for something special for one of my lovers, or for someone new.

Despite the fact that I'm in a somewhat sensitive occupation (childcare), I've had no negative fallout whatsoever, either professionally or personally. My boss even gave me a +2 on my company Christmas party invite.

I've encountered curiosity, envy, and disbelief, but that's it. I attribute it mostly to living in a fairly liberal place, and to the fact that I treat it as normal, so everyone else does too. I've never "come out" to anyone (except my sister, when I told her that Moonlight was officially my girlfriend), but I talk about my partners quite a bit in normal conversation, so it doesn't take long for people to figure it out. I almost never use the word polyamory, though, since I think it sounds kind of pretentious sometimes, and most people haven't really heard of it anyway.

Funny story-- Moonlight's daughter called her up a few months ago and said, "Hey! I just watched this show on TV, and there's a nice name for what you're doing with Jenny. It's called polyamory!"

 

[Squashking]

I'm out all over the place!

Thanks, RGJ. Perhaps there is hope for us down the road. We live in the PNW, as well, and yes, I agree people here are very liberal. My wife is also in childcare, so that's very interesting.

Either way, it's a big decision, and it will require all four of us to make the leap, or, as I mentioned before, it will just happen naturally, which I think is more likely.

~S

 

[alibabe_muse]

Perhaps there is hope for us down the road. We live in the PNW, as well, and yes, I agree people here are very liberal. My wife is also in childcare, so that's very interesting.

Either way, it's a big decision, and it will require all four of us to make the leap, or, as I mentioned before, it will just happen naturally, which I think is more likely.

It's going to be a bit longer for those of us in Eastern WA/N Idaho to come out. There is definitely a more conservative presence here. Now, had hubby and I realized we were poly two years ago, we may have not left our liberal community. Spokane is not as uptight, but still nothing like the I-5 corridor.

 

[iceman]

Parents?

This thread has both been heartening and disheartening at the same time. I have been with J for almost three years. We started out mono, but moved into being poly. I am also seeing B for about 8 months.

My question on here is: How do you come out to your parents? I live about 3000 miles away from them and they are coming to visit me over Christmas. I would like to introduce them to B, but he wants only to be introduced as my partner, which I totally agree with. However, I have absolutely NO idea how to start that conversation. Any suggestions?

 

[AilaLynn]

I can understand the dilemmas I have read from some of those here. I'm facing somewhat of the same issues. My hubby and I have told his family and mine. At first, his family was going to "take me in and help me divorce him, \ because I don't need to be treated that way," yada, yada, yada....

FINALLY after months and months, they realized he was not cheating on me and that I was okay with it and was just as much of a part of it as he was. It's just the lifestyle we live.

My family, however, is a different story. My mom has hated him since she discovered we are poly.

The rest of my family doesn't know, EXCEPT my aunt. Funnily enough, it turned out SHE and my uncle were also poly. I had no freaking idea for years! Just like I didn't find out for years she was bisexual. I am bisexual, but I'm thinking the term is more along the lines of pansexual.

Anyway, our neighbors FINALLY got the nerve up to ask us about our gf living with us. When we told them we were poly, they looked at us funny and one of the guys said, "I don't know how you do it. I wouldn't be able to live with more than one woman at a time" LMAO! But everyone else acts like I'm the victim and he's cheating, yada, yada, yada...

Wtf! Why is it so hard for people to understand that you CAN care for or love more than one person? Why is it so hard to understand that it's possible to be open like that? I've always been that way, I just never understood what it was or that it even had a name until the last few years.

So, yeah, I would offer advice if I had any, but I'm in the same boat with people looking at us funny. lol.

Sometimes I wonder if I should move to Europe or Germany because a lot of my friends from there are certainly waaaayyyy more open-minded and accepting about "taboo" stuff and they say that the majority of people there are generally more open-minded than we are here in the US. No wonder I have never felt like I fit in here in my own country LMAO!

Let' not even get into the subject of bdsm, s/m, golden showers, etc etc lmfao! The looks I get for those LMFAO! All I can say is I am so lucky and happy to have a hubby at least who is open-minded enough to try just about anything lmao!

But I am going off topic here, dang ADHD! Ooohh shiny! lol

But yeah, I wish I could offer advice, but I'm still trying to not scoff at or get pissed at people who start the whole "oh he's cheating! he's no good for you!" without stopping to think and realize that HEY! I'm just as much a part of it and it's not cheating if it's open between everyone. duh! *facepalms*
Remind me why I just grit my teeth and not slap them silly? lol

 

[viracochaloves]

Coming out?

I'd like to see if anybody has a particular style for how to come out as polyamorous to potential lovers.

I'm extremely interested in an old friend. He's coming to visit my current country in a few weeks and I not only have just a limited window to see if we hit it off, but I also have to "come out" as ethically non-monogamous.

The lovers I left behind when I immigrated have my complete support, and I know they deserve recognition, because they've been a monumental part of my life. My experience in the past has been that lot of friends are willing to understand and support my life decisions, but it's a completely different thing asking someone if they'd consider an ethically non-monogamous lifestyle. It took a lot of personal research and decision-making to come to my own conclusion; I didn't have any poly friends or lovers to converse with, so I don't have an idea of what I would want to tell someone I was interested in.

 

[bookbug]

It sounds difficult, given the limited timeframe, but if it were me, I would first tell him my personal history/philosophy and gauge his reaction. If his reaction is unduly negative, I probably would not proceed any further. If he is neutral, but curious, I would answer any questions he has, and then re-evaluate. Did going through the question and answer process make him more negative or positive toward polyamory? Only if I was sure that he had some degree of positive attitude toward the concept would I then reveal my own attraction.

 

[bykrmark]

How do You come out to your friend?

First, if they are truly your friend, they will be there even if they do not agree with your idealism.

I have found we (my two wives and I) have lost quite a few "friends" because we came out and announced my marriage to my second wife. So be it. If they can't handle our love for each other, I will not live for my friends. I have one judge and He is in Heaven. I'm very open about my life. Our true friends/family are there for us, applauding us on.

So to answer your question with a question: is it a true friendship if you are hiding part of yourself from your friend? Remember, I love you no matter what.

 

[Hathor]

I'm also very intrigued by this topic. All my close friends know, and most are pretty accepting of it. The main thing was being able to clarify and answer questions they had. Be ready to explain your definition of "open" or "poly" and be ready for lots of "advice" about if it's a good idea or not. Once they understand the why, they are more comfortable with it. I have told a few acquaintances from my job, but never someone above me, like a boss or something. Many family members know and accept it, even if they think it's odd.

The person I could never come out to would be my mom; she would never understand. Thankfully, the likelihood of her finding out is extremely small, so I'm not worried about it. However, I do worry about J's mom finding out and I'm wondering when we will have to face that situation.

In general, I feel pretty okay with telling people... friends, acquaintances, my family members (excluding Mom). I'm more nervous about J's family members. I'll let him decide when it's a good idea to reveal it.

The main coming-out problem I'm having right now, though, is a situation where, even though it's my reality, I don't feel comfortable because it could put someone else in an awkward position. I'll explain. I have a friend who I want a relationship with. We've talked about it; he knows I'm poly, but he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I respect his choice, and when we hang out I try to stay in the friend zone and avoid being flirty or touchy.

I have rules I set in place to keep me from disrespecting his decision. He, however, does not. He is very physical with me, and his roommates definitely notice. Anytime he is more physical with me than he "should be" his roommates give us looks like "Um... what's going on here??" I don't feel comfortable telling his roommates about the situation, because I'm revealing my friend's part in it. But at the same time, they probably think he is hitting on a married woman and are confused by it, and even though I don't usually initiate the intimacy, I definitely don't discourage it, so they also probably think I'm being unfaithful to J.