Coming out

It seems this thread is old now, but coming out is difficult to face. I want to believe I am not different from society, but I am. I only recently realized I was poly, and it is not from experiencing. So basically I am identifying as poly and trying to figure out if I should come out about it, then pursue it, or pursue it and then come out about it.

It's more complicated then that though, because I am married with a three-year old, and although my wife has known I was different since early in our relationship (going on four years) I have only identified as poly for about six months.

She is supportive, or at least not un-supportive, but definitely mono. I don't want to hurt her.

My parents are open-minded people. My sister seems to be poly, as well, and we are now beginning to discuss what that means for us. But I only introduced her to the term poly a few days ago, and I don't think she has done any research yet. I came out to my brother and that went really well. I guess it will probably go well with my family, but it is still quite scary.
 
meinsb said:
It's more complicated then that though, because I am married with a three-year old
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There must be something wrong with me. I read that sentence completely wrong at first (as in, your spouse being a three-year old). :p

Other than your partner, I don't think you have any obligation to come out to anyone before pursuing it. However, I can see how you would want to get it out of the way. It would also help if the coming out weren't associated with anyone in particular. Nobody will blame that person, thinking they "turned" you poly, since it's the first time they heard about it).

On the other hand, it's always hard to come out, and it can seem pointless when you could live very well without coming out.

Really, it's your call. I can see benefits to both options. Since your wife already knows, that's really all I would have advice about and you don't need my advice anymore. :p

I just realised I'm in a similar situation. Originally I came out to my husband, and pretty much nobody else (only one close friend). Years later I started a relationship with Seamus. Then, later on, I separated from my husband, and lots of people blamed Seamus, not understanding the situation.

Now though, I'm with Seamus, and to a bunch of people who didn't really follow things, I never came out as poly. So if I do it now, I'll do it before having another partner.

And honestly, I want to do it now. I've had bad experiences with coming out too late, or not coming out and being found out and misinterpreted.

But that's really my situation. In your case, if you think you might stay mono de facto, despite being poly, you might think it's less important to ever come out. You need to consider your wife's feelings, as well. My boyfriend is poly and out to everyone. But my husband was mono (then poly-identified to me, but it turned out after we separated, actually still mono), and didn't want me to come out to people who also knew him, as he wanted to be the one doing it when the time was right. Which happened for some, and not for others.

Anyway, each situation is unique. In my case, from now on, I want to be open regardless of how many partners I have. However, when I was in your shoes, I picked the other option, and it could have worked out better if the circumstances had been different.
 
My story has been a long time in development. In high school, I watched a peer who I had known since early grade school come out of the closet as gay. He was not flamboyant, but once he came out, took his sexuality very seriously and become an important figure and leader of the GSA club, which I joined as an ally.

More recently I have begun to identify as bi or partially bi, and am beginning to feel like I should/would like to be open to my family. Of course, this is a different topic than poly, but is somewhat tied in. Coming out in general as poly or bi is way uncomfortable for me, but I have watched very highly-respected friends do it and was always proud of them. They also seem to have had positive results.

For now, it seems like I will be spending a lot of time reading, pondering, and seeing what others have to say about me as I explore my new relationship-ness. (Is there a poly term for this? Is it just poly or polyamorous?) And alongside that, will probably explore how I feel about being bi.

It's great to have support from you and the community. Did the end of your relationship with your mono partner have anything to do with him not being poly, or was it more typical relationship struggles? I worry a lot about my wife and me breaking up over all this, even though things are going well and communication is good, so far.

I tried to walk out on the relationship not too long ago, for fear that I am only delaying an inevitable failure and only going to do more damage in the long run. I know I am a good father, but I struggle with how I am as a husband because of being poly. I told my wife this, and that I didn't want to do harm in the long run, and she basically said she would never want me to leave. BUT the whole poly thing is really hard for her at the same time.
 
The whole coming-out thing has been very much on my mind lately, and on my wife's. We're a historically-mono couple, married 20-plus years, and we're just starting what looks like, maybe, hopefully, with luck and communication and quite a bit of adjustment on everyone's part, is going to become a long-term committed equilateral triad relationship with another woman. My wife and I never thought of ourselves as poly. A year ago, we would have laughed at the suggestion of any such thing, honestly. And we weren't looking for this; we just happened to both fall very hard for the same woman at the same time, and she seems to feel the same way about both of us.

Things are getting to the point where all three of us really need to think about how open we're going to be about this with our friends and family. Our friends are probably going to be able to take it in stride, and I think most of our family members are going to be ok with it, with the notable exception of a couple of the new partner's relatives. But what they're mostly going to be shocked about is that she's no longer identifying as a full-on lesbian, which she did for a number of years. None of us has employment-related issues about being involved in a non-traditional family, which is certainly something to be thankful for.

One wrinkle about coming out, however, is that for my wife, on top of everything else, this is going to be coming out in the classic sense: none of our friends or family has ever known she's bi. She always has been, but she's been extremely private about it. I suppose we could just keep quiet about the details and let people wonder whether this is a full triad, or a V with me as the hinge, in which case there might be some doubt about her orientation. But for various reasons it's pretty unlikely that anyone's actually going to think that. So that makes it extra-specially difficult for her. On the other hand, it's becoming increasingly obvious that keeping the relationship secret would involve more self-discipline about public hand-holding and so forth than any of us has. So we're really wrestling with how to handle this.

Are we completely nuts to think that our friends and family will be able to deal with it? They're all nice lefty liberal tree-hugging Birkenstock-wearing types, so it seems to me that they'd be accepting, but maybe I'm kidding myself. This thread has been very instructive, but I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who's been in this situation. What kind of horrified reactions should we expect? What are the pitfalls associated with this part of the process of forming a poly family?
 
My dad comes from a conservative religious Catholic background, but my mom is more liberal spiritual (no religious affiliation). It seems my sister had a hard time being accepted as bi, but mostly the lack of acceptance is my parents not believing her, thinking it is a girl thing, or making some poor jokes at her expense (which she mostly lets roll off her back).

For some reason I feel like the rejection of being a son who is bi and poly will not go over well for my dad's pride. My mom may be supportive, but she doesn't fully endorse her more liberal laid-back raising, because I think she wants to get as far from it as she can at times.

People are going to notice if there are other romantic relationships in our marriage. And frankly, I want to be who I am without concern, and therefore feel coming out is an important step for me. But I am afraid.

The interesting thing about me is that becoming poly and coming out are not tied to any new people in my relationship. I may choose not to come out until my wife and I are comfortable with a new addition.

It is becoming clear to me that this forum isn't helping me just see what poly is and if I am poly, but more helping me to figure out what to do with the knowledge. And there is the big question of how to figure this all out with my wife, who isn't.
 
I'm all for not coming out until there is something to come out about, as in, you have established another relationship. As far as I'm concerned, the only one that really needs to know you are thinking about or starting to date is your existing partner. If people notice that something is out of the ordinary, they will either blow it off or say something. If they say something, then they are ready to receive an answer. I'm all for letting people be willingly ignorant if that is their choice, as long as no one is getting hurt (actual danger, hateful remarks, etc.). Mind you, I don't have any experience in this, other than knowing how my super-religious, judgmental parents think, and how they respond when faced with someone who has a different opinion on religion, politics and morality.
 
I totally agree with you, SNeacail. People seem to get NRE about their situation, when really, settling into something real and sustainable before getting possibly bashed by others would be far more constructive and less hurtful. I think being on one's game before coming out makes a person confident, untouchable and unstoppable in their vulnerability, and that is a much better place to be.
 
Well, I can see how you are in a much more vulnerable place when you haven't explored poly yet, and people will maybe even try and stop you. However, it seems to me you avoid a few things that way:

- Having the whole "I can't believe you lied to me for so long" thing from everyone, on top of all the rest, when you do come out

- Hiding someone you love, and therefore not giving them the same level of respect you've always given your first partner by acknowledging them (unless you were hiding them as well, at first)

- If someone finds out before you can come out, have them misunderstand the situation, draw their own conclusions, and never come to you, but spread it to other people, in effect, causing you to suddenly lose a bunch of people who were important in your life without ever being told why or warned before being cut off (I'm saying this because it personally happened to me)

- Having your polyamory be associated with the person you're with when you come out. Similar to how homosexuality can become your bf's or gf's "fault," as in they seduced you and made you believe you're gay, or something. In this case, that person gave you crazy ideas and manipulated you, and is obviously unsafe to be around, etc.

I realise the risks that go with coming out are high, and it can seem more tempting to be able to say, "I'm polyamorous, and yet it can last, it's been X years," but during these X years and at the time you come out, you have to go through things I would personally rather avoid.
 
I think it really does simply depend on the people in any given dynamic. For me, it was easy to come out. I don't give a SHIT what anyone else thinks. I love two men. End of topic, unless they want to have a friendly talk about HOW.

At the same time, I've ALWAYS been that way. I was the same way when I came out as having just gotten a girlfriend, and when I came out bi, and when I told everyone I was pregnant (out of wedlock). I just don't care.

It was harder for Maca and GG, because they don't tend to be the type to speak up, AND they are both worried about offending others. Shrug... Pretty much everyone in my life knows. Most of Maca's coworkers do not know. Some of GG's don't know.
 
Family Matters

I get more and more into my polyamorous curiosity as we get deeper into our relationship (using the L word and all!). But today, I found out my mom is EXTREMELY against polyamory, though she's not against homosexuality, whatsoever.

A couple questions for you guys. Do any of your family members know? If not, do they know you're with one person and not others? If your family is against it, as mine is, how will you explain to them your relationship status?

Sorry if these didn't make a lot of sense. I can try to re-word them later.
 
polyt said:
I get more and more into my polyamorous curiosity as we get deeper into our relationship (using the L word and all!). But today, I found out my mom is EXTREMELY against polyamory, though she's not against homosexuality, whatsoever.

A couple questions for you guys. Do any of your family members know? If not, do they know you're with one person and not others? If your family is against it, as mine is, how will you explain to them your relationship status?
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This will likely get merged with other threads about opening up. (I find it an unfortunate practice, personally, because it loses the individual flavour of each person's "story.")

I am open. I don't hide my sexual/relationship practices, but I also don't walk around bragging about it. My cousin (really my brother) knows about my girlfriend and wants to meet her. (He has already congratulated me on 1 year, even though we are a couple of weeks away yet.) My mother knows I... experiment with sex. Haha The reality is, next time I see her I will be telling her about my gf. All of my closest friends know.

Its simple for me. "I am in an open relationship and am currently dating someone else." I rarely use the word poly, I find it connects me to groups of people I can't relate to.

If I find, or have in the future, a family member against it, I will simply tell them the truth and they can take or leave it. As a black sheep on both sides of my family, their opinion means very little to me. I take it like I take others, with a giant grain of salt. I guess I am lucky that way.

That said, not everyone is like me. I don't have kids; I am not that connected to family beyond the two people I love. For me to be open is very different than for someone with kids, with a lot to lose and a large family of potential haters. So being open is very situational and people's options need to be respected.
 
Ariakas said:
This will likely get merged with other threads about opening up. I find it an unfortunate practice personally, because it loses the individual flavour of each persons "story"
\
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It's a thread about "coming out", not "opening up". And the polyt hasn't said anything about their "story". All they did was ask a very generic question.

Thread merged. Unfortunately.
 
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Ariakas said:
I rarely use the word poly. I find it connects me to groups of people I can't relate to.
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Yes! I feel similarly. It's always problematic when I use the word polyamory. I prefer to talk about my feelings regarding exclusivity and attachment, and my goal of having "multiple, ongoing, loving relationships."
 
polyt said:
Do any of your family members know? If not, do they know you're with one person and not others? If your family is against it, how will you explain to them your relationship status?
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Close family knows. Mum is very worried that I am being taken advantage of. She thinks polyamory is just a phase that will last until I find the one true (male) partner for me. We haven't gotten to the point of speaking about polyamory yet, but I am out as to my comings and goings and the people I am seeing.

Just like with coming out as non-heterosexual, I strongly recommend that you live on your own and are not dependent on your parents for financial support before doing it.
 
polyt said:
Do any of your family members know? If not, do they know you're with one person and not others? If your family is against it, how will you explain to them your relationship status?
Click to expand...

Wolf and I are only out to one member of our family, his cousin, who is also poly. In 2009, my sister, brother, hubby, and dad outed me as bi to my mom at Christmas Eve cookie making. Mom stayed in denial until earlier this year, when a friend tagged me in a FB photo of me kissing a mutual female friend. I promptly untagged myself, but the damage had already been done, though my mom never spoke directly to me about it. *shrugs*

Our families know Wendigo and Pretty Lady as our best friends. We "double date" every few months, when we can afford it, and PL can get out of picking their son up from JROTC practice.

Wendigo and I have gone back and forth on letting various friends in on our secret, but only two friends have direct knowledge of who Wolf and I are involved with, and they are probably the last two we will ever tell. Almost all of our friends are mutual.

In January, our quad officially came out to a close mutual friend, in part because he'd taken notice of how Wendigo and I interacted, and the lightbulb went off over his head. This did not end well, and resulted in Pretty Lady asking that Wendigo and I be more careful, as she was concerned with too many people knowing, especially after said friend commented that I should shoot a porno and he'd love to videotape it for us. She realized he was of more of a swinging mindset and became concerned that he'd film us and spread the film around to our other friends behind our backs.

(Background on Wendigo and PL: They live in a small town with her entire family living within three miles of their house, share property with her sister, and rely on shared family vehicles to get around town. Her family still treats Wendigo as an outsider after 19 years, in part because he is biracial.)

About a week later, said friend leaves his IM window open and his fiancée reads our conversation about my relationship with Wendigo and starts asking questions of Wendigo and me, because she sees sex as a spiritual/ metaphysical expression of love that you can only have with your singular soul mate. I end up in the dog house for 24 hours while Wendigo and PL sort out their feelings about how she found out. Fast forward three months, we're doing okay, but our friendship with said friend is not as strong as it once was and our friendship with his fiancée is strained.

So far, being out is just not worth it.
 
I had confided in one of my daughters, and she told my older daughter (accidentally -- she thought she kind of already knew). My older daughter promptly called my mom and my sister, and outed me to them. Fortunately, the "telephone game" stopped there. My mom and sister have been really cool, and are trying to just stay out of my business. My oldest daughter has not spoken to me in two months. :( She is angry because she feels I am disgusting and immoral, and jeopardizing the stability of our family. (She fears we will get divorced and my four younger kids will be devastated.)

There are some people in my life who I will never come out to, voluntarily. I hope they never find out. However, they will never know the real me, and that makes me sad for them.

I'm not sure I could handle other relatives turning on me like my daughter has. To be honest, I never expected such an extreme reaction from her. I figured she'd be over it by now and just say, "It's your life, Mom."

We're trying to be very discreet. I don't go out in public with my boyfriend unless it's all three of us, and we haven't even done that in quite awhile. I go to his apartment once or twice a week when all the kids are at school. Making the best of it.
 
I really think that the change that I desire to see in the world around acceptance of poly is going to come from people coming out and feeling more capable and confident in talking about poly from the perspective of an alternative to monogamy; not a replacement, but an alternative; not as a means to get more sex, but a way to create more belonging, love and deeper ties to chosen family.
 
Well, RP, I'm doing MY part. Everyone where I work knows that my wife and I are poly. I asked one woman at work out. Her first response? "I don't do wives." My reply? "No-one said anything about doing my wife! But you might like it if you did. haha. No worries, though. If you ever change your mind, we can go do lunch sometime... and I mean lunch... at a restaurant... with food... and ...yeah." LOL It was my failed attempt to let her know I wasn't simply in it for the sex. Oh well. I really don't think I want to date someone from work anyway. What happens when we break up? Things at work become strained and really weird. I already did something similar and
it sucked.

Anyway, enough of my stories. Needless to say, I'm doing my part. ;)
 
I'm staying with a friend of almost 15 years and she doesn't know I'm poly. It's very weird because we never really talk about relationships. She knows I was with Seamus before I left Raga, I think, but she never really asked or wondered. I know she doesn't think I cheated on Raga, but she probably thought the relationship was already over, or something.

I don't know if I should actively tell her about it. It's hard to bring up because we don't talk about relationships. She knows I'm separated from Raga, because that's the reason I needed a place to stay. She knows I'm with Seamus because I talk to him on Skype. That's pretty much it. She never asked anything about the breakup or separation with Raga, or what went wrong, or anything. She never asked how I met Seamus or checked the exact date. She just knows when I left Canada I spent three months in the US before going to France and living with her.

I do want her to know I'm poly, but I don't really know how to. I don't think blurting it out out of context would make much sense. And I don't even know most of the vocabulary in French anyway, to explain things to her. (Well that much isn't a big deal, I can check easily.) I'm also not actively looking for someone, or being out enough that it would come up. For instance, if she saw me flirting and asked, "What about Seamus?" then I could explain, but that's unlikely to ever happen, so...

At that point, is it better to just wait, not actively hide it, and say it if it comes up? Or should I try and go out of my way to let her know?

To give an example, I know she's bisexual, but we never actively talked about it. I told her one of our friends was bisexual (she wrote me an email while we were staying together between 5 and 10 years ago, coming out to me and asking me to tell S, my roommate) and S's answer was "Ah, her too." It's hard to explain, but it was obvious it meant she was as well, and that was that, we didn't talk more about it.

Then there was a comment in 2004 or 2005, when a guy said he could detect non-straight people (saying he had gaydar, I guess) and she said to me, "I wanted to clear my throat and say 'I'm right here.'" But it's something we never talk about, because it's like, okay, so what?

I figure my being poly might be along the same lines, so I don't want to make a big deal out of it by coming out instead of just implying it, but it's a bit hard to imply it in normal conversation, I guess. And she's a very good friend of mine so I don't want to hide it from her, either.
 
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